AIBU to assume that if one person in a couple is at home significantly more than the other tbey should take care of more of the housework and cooking etc.

[HereForTheLineEyes]

Another thread got me thinking. The OP was on maternity leave and was cooking dinner for her DH every night who worked very long hours. Personally I thought this fine. I have been out of the house for full days and got in late and DH has kept me a plate from the dinner he made for us and the kids. I think it would be a bit off if I came home and DH had fed himself and his kids but expected me to start up making my own dinner myself at 7/8 at night.

The general assumption amongst friends and family and people I know in RL is that if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework.

Obviously if a person is on maternity leave the priority is looking after the baby and getting some rest and recovering. My DH and I lowered our standards around how clean we'd like the house to look and how on top of laundry etc we'd like to be when I was on maternity leave, because having an EBF clingy baby and trying to get stuff done can be tough. Saying that I had to eat and my baby had to eat, so (once over 6 months old) I'd be making food anyway. It seems a bit spiteful and selfish to not put a bit more food on just to ensure a perfect 50/50 split in household duties.

Now my youngest is 2.5, I work 3 days a week. I do try and get the laundry sorted, the floors hoovered and some home cooked nutritious food on the table and in the freezer. I also take my son to a toddler group and out to visit friends with kids, but in general I try to do the lions share of the housework so that we can enjoy our weekends as a family.

DH works from home and has a later work start than me, so he drops the kids off to school and childcare the days I'm working and will put on loads of washing during the day.

I don't see this as sexist or wifey or whatever, just teamwork. I would expect DH to keep on top of things the way I do if he was the one working P/T. We really enjoy our relaxed evenings and quality time together as a family at the weekends, and this wouldn't be possible if I was dead set on a 50/50 division of household labour.

That works for you
Different things work for different families

I don't think many would argue, it's just that in a lot of cases posted on here the working parent comes expects everything done and doesn't lift a finger themselves - so that the SAH parent ends up busy into the evening when the working parent is already chilling on the sofa.

My girlfriend and I go about it similar to you and your DH - if we both muck in as and when it's logical we actually get to chill out and have a relationship with each other at the end of the evening! (We both nearly full time at work now, but we both have work from home days which as you mention are ideal for laundry!)

if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework

I agree if there are no kids or the kids are at school all day.

If there are kids at home, looking after them is work.

Totally disagree that a mum on maternity leave should be doing housework other than maybe putting the washing machine on. She's keeping a new human alive!

When I was on ml I looked after the house and all food etc... I didn't find small babies hard to work around.

I still do most of the housework and cooking but dh spends alot of his spare time bringing them to football/hurling and rugby training/matches. I would prefer to be doing housework to standing on a sideline 5 times a week.

Every now and again I get a pain in my hole with the house and I suggest we both put in a couple of hours together and do a blitz.

It just depends on the situation. When I was in maternity leave my baby screamed all day and all night. The health visitor and GO said they had never seen anything like it. I had to keep a diary. He slept about 5 hours (broken) in every 24. My husband was working long hours. I never once managed to get dinner on the table.

At the moment my DP is working 14 hour days from home, I'm at home with our 14 month old and I do everything in the house apart from weekends where we'll go 50/50 with cooking and watching/playing with DS.

When my DP manages to reduce his hours to something that looks a little more like part time work (he's running his own business so we'll still have our regular income) then I'll likely still do everything in the house but it means that he'll get more time with DS so he'll be able to do bedtime and bath times more which I do worry about him missing out on currently.

I think our division of labour works for us but I can see why some mum's would feel like a slave in their own homes doing what I do because as crazy as DS can drive me sometimes, I'm aware that he's a pretty independent and easy going kid and anymore on my plate than he currently gives me would drive me to have a frank conversation with SO about the house.

I'm a SAHM through non financially viable cos of childcare and now because of illness. Dcs at school now though. Dp helped when on ml obviously as ebf was constant. Dp works full-time and earns all the income..I do all the school runs clubs, housework cooking shopping laundry etc,basically because I see it as my ' job'. if I'm around the home it's obvious I'm going to be doing it all whilst he's at work all day. He doesn't expect me to do it,tells me to leave it and rest. He doesn't expect a cooked dinner ready or his packed lunch done every single day but I do it cos I want to. Hes always appreciated al I do and likewise. It suits us and that's what matters!

DH has always worked less hours than (he does night shifts on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night) so I expect him to pull more weight during the week and me on the weekends.

Tbh during the week I do expect food to be cooked (or at least the meat in the oven), when DD was at Primary School, majority of school runs were up to him (exl monday morning / friday afternoon), taking DD to extra-circular activities as was homework help, dishes done, laundry and general stuff such as gardening etc.

I work long hours during the week and the last thing I want to come home to is having to do the cooking and washing up. Although I do the bedding, bathroom and hoovering on a Friday night.

When DD was a baby, everything was split equally which is fair when there is a young baby.

I have generally been more at home than DH while our 4 DC have been little. It’s a lot easier for the at home parent to do at home stuff like cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that every day everything is done as obviously some days are hideous due to crying babies, sick children etc.

I also work later than DH on some days and on those days he cooks and baths the younger kids. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that the person who is home the most or home first focuses on the food preparation.

I'm a SAHP and in general I agree with you BUT maternity leave is a different matter. You are caring for a tiny person and recovering from the trauma (which is significant, both physically and mentally, regardless of how straightforward the pregnancy and birth were).

It also very much depends on the baby. If I'd had my son first, I'd have made a much better fist of the housekeeping - he slept through from weeks old, napped and fed on a schedule, and when not sleeping was content to sit/lie and watch the world go by.

Unfortunately my first was DD. Who screamed blue murder if I tried to put her down or give her to anyone else, wanted to breastfeed nigh-constantly, wouldn't nap unless I held her, and didn't sleep for longer than 45 minutes at a time till she was 18 months old - when it increased to 3 hour stretches, which felt blissful at the time!

Keeping us both alive was all I was capable of in those early days, and thankfully DH understood that!

I agree if there are no children or if children go to nursery a few hours or to school.
If it is a baby or toddler I don't. Twice a week I am home (I work part-time), my DD keeps me busy and I try to do thinks with her tbh, going to softplay or meeting other friends with babies, that leaves me with very little time to do much in the house. For me the priority is her, I went part-time to care for her, not to hoover or clean. Of course I do cleaning when I can and if it suits me the days I am at home when she naps or she watches TV for a while but it would bother me it it was demanded or expected I did all of that. Caring for a baby or toddler is a job, a lot of the days it is pretty much a non-stop job, so why would your husband deserves a break when he arrives home but you don't?We cook dinner when my DP arrives home and we put DD to bed, if the puts her to bed I cook in the meanwhile and the other way around. I think that's fair. It also works for us because we both love cooking so we are never going to fight about who cooks. But each family is different.

I think the key thing is that both partners should have equal free time. The problem (IMHO) is that very often it is expected that the woman will do everything domestic-related while on maternity leave and it then continues in the same way when she goes back to work. Too often work then becomes "too much" when actually it's doing all the housework on top of working that is the problem.

Luckily for me I had easy babies so both times on mat leave I have done pretty much all the housework which has meant that we can spend dh's days off doing fun stuff and enjoying time as a family without loads of cleaning to do. When he's not at work the day to day stuff like tidying, doing the dishwasher, cooking etc is 50/50 but I get the dusting, cleaning and laundry done while he's at work. Works for us.

Different things work for different people. I’m on ml and do most of the housework but DP has his own set of chores (the things I hate doing like emptying bins and changing cat litter). He works from home so I would say we do 50:50 looking after baby DD, I actually find it surprising so many men on here aren’t that interested in looking after their babies, DP loves it and wouldn’t sacrifice his time with DD for working.

The moment DP clocks off I hand DD over and go cook dinner, I actually love doing something non-baby related. Standing in the kitchen by myself, catching up on podcasts or listening to the radio. Makes me feel human after a day of feeding and being sicked on. DP offers to cook every day and I pretty much always say no.

Yes YABU. If they are at home with young children then that is just as much work if not more than being out at work. I would expect the working parent to come and take over the childcare (as they’d have had a break from the kids all day) then the other parent to start cooking, housework etc. I also expect them to expect to come into chaos and not to a tidy house if the partner has been busy taking care of objects of chaos, destruction and mess children all day.

It’s often quicker and easier to do a quick child’s tea then do an adult’s tea later.

I remain completely baffled by people who have relaxed evenings and weekends with small children. That ended years ago for me.

I'm on ML and do the vast majority of the cleaning and laundry but DH cooks every night because I HATE it and am bad at it. Works for us.

satsumaeater and greebo I said when on maternity leave looking after the baby was priority, and mentioned that the person at home more is shouldering most of the housework/ childcare because babies are full on and I totally appreciate that looking after them can take up a huge chunk of time. I had a very, very clingy DD who seemingly never napped and screamed blue murder when you put her down. I totally understand that there can be long stretches that just take it out of you, and the needs of the baby plus your mental health comes before dinner prep.

I do think that in general if you are at home more you do have more opportunity to pop a pie or a baker potato in the oven it doesn't have to be a full roast 5 nights a week.

I do my best but a lot of that is simply trying to do most of the nights for dh to get some sleep. That’s doing me in tbh. And I find looking after them both all day exhausting even when not sleep deprived.

I think one of the problems with this is the assumption.

Whether someone is home more for whatever reason if it is assumed that they will pick up all/most of the at home jobs that's where the resentment comes in.

If there are two adults responsibilities should be discussed and agreed upon. Just because someone works outside of the home doesn't mean they are working harder.

We work on the basis of more or less equal “pleasing-yourself” time. It is the only way that is fair. That doesn’t include commuting or going to baby groups etc but does include hobbies. If one of us were getting more of that than the other then something would need to be adjusted. With a 5mo that means I do as much as I can around the house during the day but with a baby the amount achieved is unpredictable depending on how cooperative he is. So in the evening the jobs that need doing are 50:50 and usually H is finishing off supper, tidying etc whilst I do bath and bedtime or vice versa.

My husband stayed at home with our second, and he did everything. The only thing I did was night feeds.
I never expected him to do it, but he did. We don’t think looking after our own children is work though.

I didn't, not when DD was under one. We hired a cleaner. I can't remember what we did for food, tbh. There are photos of DD tucking into her "first roast dinner", so I must have managed that at least once (would be beyond DH). And we lived near lots of lovely restaurants at the time, so would eat out if DD was amenable, get take away if she wasn't.

God knows how I would have coped if we hadn't had the luxury of a large enough income to do that. I suspect I'd have ended up with rampant PPD.

I think it’s what works for individuals. I work part time but spend most of my time at home, we have 3 DC. I usually do cleaning, wash up etc because I enjoy it, but DH will do the cooking because I’m not very good at it

Whatever works for the couple really.

However I dislike the implication coming across sometimes that Dad's entitled to do less house/family stuff when the Mum's on maternity leave. It's not wifework leave ffs.

I'm on mat leave now and having had a few years of very stressful working conditions and a difficult pregnancy I'm not killing my self on the house front. I'm more interested in spending time with the baby and my older child and enjoying a bit of downtime myself. DH and I continue to split the chores, with me taking a bit more on, but nothing crazy.

I think if someone is at home they could start on dinnner but each family is different and it shouldn’t be assumed. My DP literally does sod all now im on mat leave which drives me mad. It’s shouldn’t be assumed that women suddenly take on 100% of everything because they have children. Looking after a baby isn’t ‘work’ but it’s still full on and tiring.