AIBU to assume that if one person in a couple is at home significantly more than the other tbey should take care of more of the housework and cooking etc.

[HereForTheLineEyes]

Another thread got me thinking. The OP was on maternity leave and was cooking dinner for her DH every night who worked very long hours. Personally I thought this fine. I have been out of the house for full days and got in late and DH has kept me a plate from the dinner he made for us and the kids. I think it would be a bit off if I came home and DH had fed himself and his kids but expected me to start up making my own dinner myself at 7/8 at night.

The general assumption amongst friends and family and people I know in RL is that if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework.

Obviously if a person is on maternity leave the priority is looking after the baby and getting some rest and recovering. My DH and I lowered our standards around how clean we'd like the house to look and how on top of laundry etc we'd like to be when I was on maternity leave, because having an EBF clingy baby and trying to get stuff done can be tough. Saying that I had to eat and my baby had to eat, so (once over 6 months old) I'd be making food anyway. It seems a bit spiteful and selfish to not put a bit more food on just to ensure a perfect 50/50 split in household duties.

Now my youngest is 2.5, I work 3 days a week. I do try and get the laundry sorted, the floors hoovered and some home cooked nutritious food on the table and in the freezer. I also take my son to a toddler group and out to visit friends with kids, but in general I try to do the lions share of the housework so that we can enjoy our weekends as a family.

DH works from home and has a later work start than me, so he drops the kids off to school and childcare the days I'm working and will put on loads of washing during the day.

I don't see this as sexist or wifey or whatever, just teamwork. I would expect DH to keep on top of things the way I do if he was the one working P/T. We really enjoy our relaxed evenings and quality time together as a family at the weekends, and this wouldn't be possible if I was dead set on a 50/50 division of household labour.

My DD1 dropped her nap at 1 year old. At age 2 they are still complete tearaways and as soon as you have tidied something they have untidied it. Plus the fighting if left unsupervised at that age.

In addition, the point about single people doing their chores around work surely means that they shouldn’t expect someone else to do it for them, just because they have been out of the house all day.
To answer a PP. I wasn’t saying the working parent should be expected to view his/ her time with the kids as fun (although of course it can be). I expect them to take them when they walk in because they have had a break from them all day and probably went for a wee on their own. It is their turn. You need to get hike from work ready to do the harder work which is being at home IMO.

It depends on what feels fair doesn't it, if you feel like you're being taken for granted then it will become an issue but I do most of the housework as I am at home but I know dh appreciates it and wouldn't kick off if it wasn't done . I cook dinner cos I like cooking and enjoy having the alone time whilst dh puts the kids to bed tbh!
Other people might think that's old fashioned but I genuinely prefer to do it that way.

Oh and I definitely refuse to do anything while they nap, that is sacred time 

Hmm naps are not always so easy though - for about 50% of the parents with babies under 1yo that I know (and that is a lot - I have a 5mo so socialise with quite a lot of people with babies) they will only nap when in the pram, or the car, or on their parent, or in some other way that makes it difficult to get jobs done. I am fortunate that normally my son will nap in his cot, but it is only for 30-45 minutes at a time unless he is on me. So I do get things done but not all at once

I don’t care how other people organise their time/chore split, and I don’t expect them to care how we do it to be honest.
We also work on the ‘equal leisure time’ principle. Seems like the fairest way to me.
DH works from home (very senior, well paid role) so if we worked on the principle of the one being at home more doing more of the chores then he’d be doing far more than me (as a SAHM).

I work 40 hours minimum a week, usually more. DW works 30 hours. She does more childcare than me. I do the cooking (mostly). Household tasks we split.

Our rule was whoever was at home out out some sort of 'meal', it may have just been a toasted sandwich or frozen pizza, nothing angered me more than coming through the door to be asked 'what are we having for dinner'.

I know someone who got divorced over this. She was a SAHP to 2 dc under 4 and felt that was her job. She expected her DH to feel that was reasonable. He didn't. He was coming home from work at 7 and cooking for them both and doing all housework. They went for couples counselling and she wouldn't meet in the middle and they divorced. She now is a SAHP and has to do all of the cooking and housework!

I agree chilli. No one should feel taken for granted, whether you're at paid work all day or a SAHP.

I'm not saying this is how you should arrange your time and do your housework, but the general attitude from both parties should be I do what I can to make things better and easier for all of us.

Why this obsession with 'should'? There is no should. It totally depends on circumstances. How well and mobile the parent is. How much care the child(ren) need(s). How difficult/tiring the working parent's job is. It really is between the couple. As long as they kind to each other there is no criticism from me.

both parties should be I do what I can to make things better and easier for all of us.

That can be difficult for people with health problems or when caring for children who have high demands. A lot of parents are exhausted. People need to cut them some slack instead of talking about who should be doing what.

Why this obsession with 'should'? There is no should

Exactly. As long as neither party feels taken for granted, there is no ‘should’.

leafgrass I certainly wasn't talking about people who are ill or have high need children. All I was commenting on was an attitude on a thread that I found strange. It came across that the person was more interested in a 50/50 split of housework than the other parent or the family. Like making sure the housework was split exactly down the middle was the priority, not just trying to make family life run smoothly and be as enjoyable as possible for everyone.

Of course I don't think someone who is ill should do all of the housework.

I find the attitude of splitting housework 50/50 no matter how impractical this is to be odd. That's what I was trying to say.

Like saying let's split everything 50/50 exactly, so I earn 5 × more than you, I will now be working 1 day a week while you work F/T because it's essential it must be perfectly equal.

I just thought it was a bizzare attitude.

I couldn't care less how other families split their household chores. Each to their own!

Surprised that what other people choose to do is such a contentious subject with so much judgement around it 

canyouhearthedrums, there is no way I would want to be married to someone who didn’t feel it was reasonable to step up and help when I had been home all day with 2 dc under 4. Perhaps she was right to be divorced.

Likewise I absolutely hate it when someone who has been free out of the house all day, who possibly could have stopped at the shop if they were that fussed about dinner is annoyed to be asked ‘what’s for dinner’. To be fair though that phrase is banned in our house as it is so irritating in general.

Although hang on, was she saying she should do no housework at all once her DH was home and he should do it all as that would be unreasonable?

'if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework*'
*
I'm a SAHM to a 4 month old and an autistic 4yo (who attends nursery for 15 hours a week) and I barely have time to go for a wee

Rainbow I used to get mad when I stepped through the door after a very stressful day to find that DP hadn't organised something. No one is so busy that they can't shove a pizza in an oven.

Friend wanted her status as a mother recognised and protected, ie was doing no cooking/housework. Looking after dc is stressful I agree (I had 3 under 3.5) but again my point about taking 5 minutes to shove a pizza in an oven or make a sandwich stands. Her husband had a very stressful and lengthy hours job, I actually think she was being very precious and when her DH suggested that she work so that he could share childcare with her she went mental, saying that he was undermining her as a mother. She didn't want an equal role, she wanted everything as she felt fit.

Also she divorced him, he wanted to work things out.

Well nobody truly knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage but fair play to her for divorcing someone who walked in the door expecting some kind of waitress service instead of pitching in and helping.

I think that’s quite unusual - much more common to find men who want it the other way round (their status as bringing in all the money is set higher than everyone else’s, so they don’t feel they should have to do anything at home when they are there)

I don’t think that’s an unreasonable ground rule canyouhearthedrums, and when you are both hungry and need to eat soon is the worst time to be planning what to eat! What tends to happen with us is I get part of a meal ready (or get something out of the freezer) and H finishes things off whilst I do bedtime. This will change once we introduce solids

Do a lot of families not eat together? When I was at home I would cook for all as the DC needed to eat too. If you don't eat together then take it in turns or if the worker is home late have things that need little more than being warmed through.

Brick I think this is another of those things where there is confusion about advice/life for first-time parents and those with more children - first-time parents who haven’t yet introduced solids or are doing purées might well not be eating together on a working day, or may well be making separate meals for a baby

YABU, I don't think being lumbered with all the jobs if you're in part time work is the same at all. It depends on the hours of course but I work 30hours a week and do some work from home in the evenings. I go in really early so that I can pick up my children 4 days a week from school. I then carry on the children tasks and dinner housework because I'm present in the house and don't want them to eat crap or live in pit. I take and pick up them from their clubs and school pick up is always walked 3 mile round trip as I think that's important for their health. My husband doesn't expect anything as he has an amazing career in architecture, it's a labour of love, as he is in a senior position, he does a lot of client meetings which he openly admits he very much enjoys getting out of the office, having nice meals and late night drinks. It is not a hardship and in these circumstances I don't know why when I work as well I should feel that I am duty bound to provide all childcare, all housework, all meals!

I didn't say all golden. I actually kind of just meant what you've described you do. If you're in earlier it makes sense for you to pick up the kids and get dinner started. What I was saying is isn't this practical, working as a team approach more sensible than you insisting your husband must do half of the cooking and lifts because you need it to be equal.