AIBU to assume that if one person in a couple is at home significantly more than the other tbey should take care of more of the housework and cooking etc.

[HereForTheLineEyes]

Another thread got me thinking. The OP was on maternity leave and was cooking dinner for her DH every night who worked very long hours. Personally I thought this fine. I have been out of the house for full days and got in late and DH has kept me a plate from the dinner he made for us and the kids. I think it would be a bit off if I came home and DH had fed himself and his kids but expected me to start up making my own dinner myself at 7/8 at night.

The general assumption amongst friends and family and people I know in RL is that if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework.

Obviously if a person is on maternity leave the priority is looking after the baby and getting some rest and recovering. My DH and I lowered our standards around how clean we'd like the house to look and how on top of laundry etc we'd like to be when I was on maternity leave, because having an EBF clingy baby and trying to get stuff done can be tough. Saying that I had to eat and my baby had to eat, so (once over 6 months old) I'd be making food anyway. It seems a bit spiteful and selfish to not put a bit more food on just to ensure a perfect 50/50 split in household duties.

Now my youngest is 2.5, I work 3 days a week. I do try and get the laundry sorted, the floors hoovered and some home cooked nutritious food on the table and in the freezer. I also take my son to a toddler group and out to visit friends with kids, but in general I try to do the lions share of the housework so that we can enjoy our weekends as a family.

DH works from home and has a later work start than me, so he drops the kids off to school and childcare the days I'm working and will put on loads of washing during the day.

I don't see this as sexist or wifey or whatever, just teamwork. I would expect DH to keep on top of things the way I do if he was the one working P/T. We really enjoy our relaxed evenings and quality time together as a family at the weekends, and this wouldn't be possible if I was dead set on a 50/50 division of household labour.

I am actually starting to think that some women on here are actually buying into the whole 'you've had a precious baby so sit on your arse for a year ' mentality.
Surely if you have any respect for your home you would actually try to keep it clean and tidy if you are the person who is at home. I've had difficult babies but I always did my best to make dinner/ keep on top of things as much as possible. I think that all this don't lift a finger other than dealing with baby attitude isn't helpful to real relationships and real life.

2 years ago we had a 6 month old, and a 2 year old prone to earth-shattering meltdowns. Our huse was a state and housework had fallen dramatically by the wayside. Now my youngest is 2.5 and the other 2 are in preschool/school, I do find I have more than enough time to get the house stuff done. I run a mums and toddlers group once a week, so we do get out at least one of the two days I'm not working. It take a up 3 full hours out of the 8 hours my DH works, so I do find plenty of time to cook, clean, run earrands as well as read the youngest some books, do some colouring in with him, take him and the dog for a walk etc. I honestly don't think he suffers in any way because I'm trying to get stuff done. Kids also need to be encouraged to play independently. I'm just very aware that if I don't get it done then it'll be pushed out into the evenings and weekends instead, which I would hate. DH can finish work and spend time playing with and bathing the kids, reading them stories and putting them to bed, and after we both have time to pursue our hobbies or just relax together in front of the TV. I think it's nice that he can do this rather than finish work and start into housework and see very little of the kids.

Oh and my husband does plenty but he's at work full time and I actually want us to enjoy our time together.

“We don’t think looking after our own children is work though”

Nice bit of snide there. Looking after your children, however, may not always be compatible with doing other jobs around the house

Totally agree with a PP who said that a lot of the time problems arise from the parent on maternity leave taking on most of the housework when they were on ML and then this becoming the status quo and expected when the parent returns to work. This isn't right. It shouldn't be assumed that the women (as is often the case) will do it all just because she's a women. It needs to be a joint effort to ensure both parents are helping around the house, getting time to spend with the kids and getting their own downtime that they can use to relax or go out and do whatever.

icanny how about you do what works for you and let others do what works for them?

My house is reasonably clean. It's not going to win any mumsnet awards, but I have other priorities. Your priorities aren't relevant to me in the slightest.

We don’t think looking after our own children is work though.

Yes, it's like a Caribbean Cruise all year round

YANBU. It's only on MN where people tell you a bloke working 80 hours a week should do the same amount of housework and childcare as their SAHM wife.

I think as long as both of you are doing something, and not expecting the other person to pick up socks and scraoe your dinner into the bin just because you work more, then a 50/50 split is not imperative

I didn’t mean it in a snarky way, we just don’t class it as work like some people say. I think it’s horrible to think of a child you chose to have a job or a chore.

My H is a teacher so when I go back to work he will be with our son during school holidays. I hope my attitude will be the same as his now - if housework gets done then fab, but no expectations. I do agree that it’s good to have it done during the week so that there can be family time at weekends, but sometimes that is more difficult than other times. My 5mo has two teeth coming through and he is very clingy and only wants to nap on me right now. So fewer jobs are being done this week

I agree unbongo. But your implication is that the person spending their tine looking after their children should then be doing all the jobs around the house regardless of whether the other parent is there because otherwise it wouldn’t be fair and that is just not reasonable

Well, here's your , OP. Have a , too. Well done for virtue signalling and being snide about childcare all at the same time! Bravo!

Different things work for different families. Yours is no more perfect that anyone else's.

But you crack on.

YABU.

And if H came home to a spotless house and supper on the table but a baby screaming because his mouth is sore and he wanted a cuddle ge would be worried about my priorities

Realistically with a baby I do my best and most of the time I get plenty done but other times the baby is not cooperative and his needs take priority

Yabu. It's grim for the one who stays at home if they don't like cooking and housework if society has these expectations.

The busy partner should spend at least as much time on dealing with their own life admin (including buying underpants/booking the MOT/making social arrangements/and yes cooking and cleaning) as they would if they were single and didn't have this backup person at home.

I haven't read the thread so not sure if this has turned into the inevitable SAHP slag-fest or not.

I find it easiest to let other people get on with running their household how they see fit. There's no 'should' about it.

Let it be known, though, that doing ALL the housework and house admin is boring AS SHITE and makes you feel like a slave, so people probably make their decisions with that in mind too.

I didn’t mean it in a snarky way, we just don’t class it as work like some people say. I think it’s horrible to think of a child you chose to have a job or a chore.

Gawd, I should have told my childminder that when my kids were younger (they're teens now). 'I won't be paying you, because looking after kids isn't work or a job.' I wonder what her response would have been? I think along the lines of 'Off you fuck'.

I didn't take long mat leaves because we were running our own business but nope, I wasn't about to become the housemaid/cook because I was home with the baby.

I think a lot of problems arise from long mat leaves and entitled partners who think this equates to a Maid of All Work and that should carry on when they're both back to work.

Oh, boohoo, I work long hours! So what? A lot of us do. Who wiped their arses before they got married? You still have to function like an adult when you're single, why does that change when someone's on mat leave?

I don’t know how you get that implication from my posts.
Obviously if I wasn’t at work I’d be doing my share.

I agree with those who advocate the "same leisure time" principle.

if you've got more time at home you do more of the housework. I struggle with the view that a woman at him with a baby is entitled to hand over the children to the man when he comes home from work because she needs a break and he needs to see the children - its hypocritical to see the children as work for her but a pleasure for him

These threads always go the same way. There are people who find housework easier or less painful than others, there are people who have more or less needy babies (and more or less needy partners...). And these threads just make everyone feel like shit. It’s not remotely productive

I agree with those who advocate the "same leisure time" principle.

Going to work is not a "get out of domestic work" clause. Ask any single person or single parent.

When I first went on mat leave many years ago I took over majority of housework and cooking. I'm sorry but it's not that hard to get house work done with small children around. I had two in 18 months so had a baby and a toddler but I still managed. When I returned to work I worked three days a week so I did a big clean on my days off.

Unfortunately I was part time for many years and so my DH got used to me doing the lions share of the work and even though I now actually work more hours than him I still do far more than him. He can't see it though.

He puts 90% of the washing through the wash and drier and that's about it. I have to sort and fold the clothes. He irons his work stuff and kids uniforms but not much else. He does cook a couple of times s week or batch cooks so we have meals in ready but does very little other cleaning or tidying.

So while I agree it's fairer that the part timer does more of the house work so in theory you both get to spend more down time together it can store up trouble for later!

Oh, and you get dozens of posts along the lines of 'I had octuplets and Ebola but I still managed to knock up (bung together/chuck/sling/etc) a healthy meal from scratch for the Almighty Earner', Her. And 'Just put the baby in a sling/travel cot/bouncy and crack on!'

dontall, I really don't want to get into an argument, just genuinely confused, how was I virtue signalling and being snide about childcare?

I certainly don't think I'm perfect or have it all cracked, I just think couples should pull together as a team. I think looking after young kids can really be exhausting, but if you want to eat home cooked food and wear clean clothes someone at some point will have to do some housework. I'd rather not do the bulk of it in the evenings or weekends.