AIBU to assume that if one person in a couple is at home significantly more than the other tbey should take care of more of the housework and cooking etc.

[HereForTheLineEyes]

Another thread got me thinking. The OP was on maternity leave and was cooking dinner for her DH every night who worked very long hours. Personally I thought this fine. I have been out of the house for full days and got in late and DH has kept me a plate from the dinner he made for us and the kids. I think it would be a bit off if I came home and DH had fed himself and his kids but expected me to start up making my own dinner myself at 7/8 at night.

The general assumption amongst friends and family and people I know in RL is that if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework.

Obviously if a person is on maternity leave the priority is looking after the baby and getting some rest and recovering. My DH and I lowered our standards around how clean we'd like the house to look and how on top of laundry etc we'd like to be when I was on maternity leave, because having an EBF clingy baby and trying to get stuff done can be tough. Saying that I had to eat and my baby had to eat, so (once over 6 months old) I'd be making food anyway. It seems a bit spiteful and selfish to not put a bit more food on just to ensure a perfect 50/50 split in household duties.

Now my youngest is 2.5, I work 3 days a week. I do try and get the laundry sorted, the floors hoovered and some home cooked nutritious food on the table and in the freezer. I also take my son to a toddler group and out to visit friends with kids, but in general I try to do the lions share of the housework so that we can enjoy our weekends as a family.

DH works from home and has a later work start than me, so he drops the kids off to school and childcare the days I'm working and will put on loads of washing during the day.

I don't see this as sexist or wifey or whatever, just teamwork. I would expect DH to keep on top of things the way I do if he was the one working P/T. We really enjoy our relaxed evenings and quality time together as a family at the weekends, and this wouldn't be possible if I was dead set on a 50/50 division of household labour.

Threads like this really do make people who are struggling feel like shit (I am fortunate enough not to be one of those people, but I can empathise). But maybe that’s what some people want? It’s the only explanation I can find to explain the sheer lack of kindness towards others

You're basically putting value on work based on whether or not it's paid.

Unpaid work is still work.

I just don't know why you're so interested in what other people do in their own home. It has literally nothing to do with you. Presumably both parties are on board for whatever the arrangement is. And even if they're not, that's actually none of your business either.

And not being able to 'fathom in your head' somebody else's circumstances is just unimaginative. There are countless influences on people's lives.

Leave my child in distress whilst I clean?? Are you for real?? If DS needs anything I stop what I'm doing and go to him FFS. Talk about take things to the extreme.

Sorry I wouldn't like my house to be a shit hole & like things to be organised for not only my DH & DS benefit but for my own??

I do not know of ANY mum in my social circle who have the mindset of those who have posted on here, and many of them have had various issues with health etc.

I am laughing at the idea of leaving some of the 4-6mo babies I know to happily play by themselves for longer than 5 minutes (and just popping your head round the door to check on them every so often!). Some of them will be fine but some would be screaming for attention and others would be rolling under furniture. Some nap for 2 hours and some will only nap when being pushed round the park. Yet another thread where people fail to either remember the baby years fully or assume all babies are like theirs. Your ability to do housework whilst on maternity leave tends to be dictated by your baby from what I can see.

I would agree that the person at home should do more of the housework. However, with some men that translates into all the housework and childcare. Basically my poor DH came home exhausted after working for 8 hours - literally 8 hours door to door (with a one hour lunch break and plenty of time to text me asking for baby pics). If I didn’t reply he would get annoyed after all I was ‘doing nothing all day’. Whereas in reality I was doing all the night wakings and had a baby who refused to nap at all during the day and would not be put down. Then DH had the audacity to moan if on the rare occasion I popped a pizza in the oven for dinner (as he expected I cooked from scratch every night)

What is the mindset? Who here has said 'maternity leave should be about relaxing, leaving the house in a tip'?

HugoBearsMummy the point is what happens when you have one of those days/weeks where you just don’t manage to get things done for whatever reason. Are you expected to catch up on your own while your H rests from his working day, or does your H muck in because he is there and is a grown adult

And DH NEVER expects anything and understands how demanding DS can be and most importantly appreciates everything I do for him, DS & round the house. But god forbid I like to work as a team and take on the domestic work whilst I'm at home so we BOTH have evenings and weekends to spend with DS and together. Jesus!

Some people have very clingy babies. I had days were it was a struggle to go for a piss so no I wouldn’t have been running the hoover round 😂

Ok. Nobody was actually criticising your way of doing things HugoBearsMummy.

I just don't think you should tell other people how they should do things.

Of course - I don’t want to be doing housework in the evenings and weekends, but sometimes IT HAPPENS. Right now I have a miserable baby who is teething and just wants to be cuddled. Realistically I am not getting much done today. H will muck in when he gets home because sometimes you have to - that is being a family.

I had many a day especially when DS was under 6 months where DH would return from work to find me stuck to the sofa with baby on my chest in my PJs still, house a mess because I'd had a terrible day (baby ill/teething etc) and he'd not ever say a word of negativity, he would ask me what I needed, how could he help & would take over! TEAM WORK.

Currently on mat leave with EBF baby. Totally disagree that a new mum shouldn't do anything except maybe put the washing on. What are single parents meant to do?

I do as much as I can round the house, do the shopping, admin, sorting out selling current house and trying to get a new one- but CAN is the key word. If DS is having a difficult day and won't be put down I just don't do it, it's not a drama. DH just comes in from work and either takes care of what needs to be done or takes the baby so I can get it done. We're a team- but by god if he puts black sock fluff all over my carpets just after once hoovered one more time I'll go on strike!

In fairness I worked long hours before finishing for mat leave and really couldn't be bothered to spend my free time doing housework all the time so I'm actually enjoying having a tidy house and my clothes all ironed/ hung up instead of a pile on a chair!

@Mookatron If you read back on the entire thread you'll see that plenty of people on here translate Mat Leave as JUST looking after the baby and doing NOTHING else.

So, hugobearsmummy, all that stuff you said about shameful women on maternity leave not doing anything is bollocks - you did the same yourself because sometimes you had to

@KathyBates finally someone speaking some sense

@HerSymphonyAndSong Yes, key phrase being SOMETIMES IF I HAD TO. Not every single day of the ten months I had off.

HugoBearsMummy Nope. I see people saying their babies wouldn't let them put them down. I see people saying they did child related activities in the day and then shared chores in the evenings. I see most people say there was give and take with a partner.

I genuinely can't see one post that says Mat leave should be JUST looking after the baby and doing NOTHING else. It's not a question of having a political view on it. Mostly it's about understanding that people do as they see fit and minding your own fucking business.

@Mookatron In that case mind yours and don't comment on how I share my family work load with my DH. Practice what you preach.

Um, where did I do that?

Mookatron -

Satsumaeater posted Totally disagree that a mum on maternity leave should be doing housework other than maybe putting the washing machine on. She's keeping a new human alive!

What about keeping her other children alive? presumably she doesn't give a stuff about them.

@BumsexAtTheBingo Exactly. My DD plays by herself for a while but not long and I have to be around, she wouldn't be happy in another room where she cannot see me, meaning that maybe I can load/unload the dishwasher and do some things around the kitchen or living room but I cannot go upstairs to do anything there. We bought a playpen as I thought it will help with getting more housework done, but now that she walks she doesn't like it at all, not a chance, she wants to be running around and I am not going to force her to be there distressed in order to have a cleaner house. My house is not a pit, it is clean enough, it could be cleaner but my priorities are very clear.

By insinuating that there is no 'give and take' in my household because I do more of the domestic work because I am at home more, and because god forbid I clean my house or prepare dinner whilst in the presence of my child, what a neglectful mother I must be :-)

What a joke.

@mrsmuddlepies thank you

OK, missed that one. Hardly plenty of people though. And I would agree with this for the first few weeks tbh.

However I still think it's not a question of 'should' - obviously necessity makes you look after other children etc and do whatever else needs to be done as it crops up - I just really don't think people should dictate how the work is divided up in other people's households. And you'll note I have certainly NOT criticised anybody else's way of doing things.