AIBU to assume that if one person in a couple is at home significantly more than the other tbey should take care of more of the housework and cooking etc.

[HereForTheLineEyes]

Another thread got me thinking. The OP was on maternity leave and was cooking dinner for her DH every night who worked very long hours. Personally I thought this fine. I have been out of the house for full days and got in late and DH has kept me a plate from the dinner he made for us and the kids. I think it would be a bit off if I came home and DH had fed himself and his kids but expected me to start up making my own dinner myself at 7/8 at night.

The general assumption amongst friends and family and people I know in RL is that if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework.

Obviously if a person is on maternity leave the priority is looking after the baby and getting some rest and recovering. My DH and I lowered our standards around how clean we'd like the house to look and how on top of laundry etc we'd like to be when I was on maternity leave, because having an EBF clingy baby and trying to get stuff done can be tough. Saying that I had to eat and my baby had to eat, so (once over 6 months old) I'd be making food anyway. It seems a bit spiteful and selfish to not put a bit more food on just to ensure a perfect 50/50 split in household duties.

Now my youngest is 2.5, I work 3 days a week. I do try and get the laundry sorted, the floors hoovered and some home cooked nutritious food on the table and in the freezer. I also take my son to a toddler group and out to visit friends with kids, but in general I try to do the lions share of the housework so that we can enjoy our weekends as a family.

DH works from home and has a later work start than me, so he drops the kids off to school and childcare the days I'm working and will put on loads of washing during the day.

I don't see this as sexist or wifey or whatever, just teamwork. I would expect DH to keep on top of things the way I do if he was the one working P/T. We really enjoy our relaxed evenings and quality time together as a family at the weekends, and this wouldn't be possible if I was dead set on a 50/50 division of household labour.

When I was on mat leave and then when I was a SAHM, as far as I was concerned, my ‘job’ was looking after the children and all their associated admin like medical appointments, playgroups, etc. My working day finished when they went to bed, which was usually at the same time DH walked through the door in the evening. Then we generally divided and conquered the household chores between us until they were done. Any time after that was our ‘free time’.

Obviously the dividing and conquering averaged out over the month - some days I’d do more, some days he’d do more. I would always make extra food for him if I was cooking for example.

But the point is the household chores are separate and distinct from our work. Now I’m back working full time and work two days at home. On those two days I don’t do any housework until after I clock off.

I think we’d all rather not be doing those things in the evenings or weekends but sometimes that is what has to happen, and yes, both parents should be pulling together. Those weeks where I’m changing the sheets on a Saturday H isn’t sitting there with coffee and the paper saying “well you should have done it during the week, shouldn’t you”

Surely it depends on the situation and the.personalities involved.

I have just finished maternity leave. I have my 2u2 during the day, work evenings and still manage to cook most meals,.all laundry and the lions share of the cleaning. DH on the other hand leaves the house at 6am, has the boys straight after work and then studies as soon as I get home from work/as soon as the boys are in bed. He'll do bits depending on how bad the witching hour is.

Neither of us stop. It feels mostly fair. I don't martyr myself. We've dropped our standards. Key is - if it doesn't get done DH won't say a single word of complaint and if I'm struggling he'll pitch in and help out. I guess I am home more than DH so our point rings true for you but it's definitely a juggle with a 9mo and a 21mo

so that the SAH parent ends up busy into the evening when the working parent is already chilling on the sofa.

I wish it is generally the other way round. Me full time running around doing loads whilst he relaxes. It doesn't help he takes so long doing stuff. He allocates 1 day a fortnight to change the dc's beds and that is all he will do that day for example.

I would like to say tea was made every night but it isn't Monday I cook, Tuesday Dd1 does half of it, Wednesday he does every other week but only because I have to take Dd2 swimming, the other week I cook mine and dd1 as we are later home, Thursday cook my own, Friday he does it.

He is in no way hard done by, I need to change things going forwards though.

We have a 14 month old and a 4.5 year old.

I work 25 hours a week in the form of 2x13 hour shifts.

My DH works five days a week, leaving at 7.30am and returning at 5pm.

The oldest is at school every day and so I look after the 14 month old when I’m off work. On the days I am at work we use childcare.

I tend to keep on top of the hoovering, the washing, the ironing, the polishing and the bathrooms on a day to day basis but DH will do those jobs too if he sees they need doing.

DH cooks dinner for us every night when he comes home from work.

He tends to bath the children whilst I do the ironing.

I do bedtime routines for both the children whilst DH tidies the kitchen after dinner.

Once the children are settled I then go and prepare lunch boxes, and changing bags ready for school/childcare etc the next day.

My DH does the food shopping and he does the childcare drop offs and pick ups.

I tend to deal with all things school related like practising reading with our son and ensuring homework type stuff gets done.

It works for us and we are happy with our little routines.

You have to ask, OP? First of all, this is a TAAT. Secondly, you wrote that childcare isn't work, a job or a chore. That's untrue and snidey.

Different strokes for different folks, but I'm not alone in my thinking that nearly all your posts come across as 'Well, this is how it worked for our family so if it's not for yours what's your problem?' Families idea of how they work vary and one view isn't the way for everyone.

Well it really comes down to how it us handled. I do think the person who is home more should do more. But it doesn't mean they have to do everything. It doesn't mean that the person working gets to complain on the standards. It doesn't mean that the stay at home parents takes care of the kids 24/7 even when the working partner is home. It doesn't mean that annual leave and weekends give the working parent the right to just relax and do whatever they want.

donttalk what is a TAAT?

It was a different poster who said childcare wasn't work.
I probably don't classify it as a "chore" in my head, but DH and I both recognise that some days spent looking after the kids can be much more tiring than going to an actual paid job.

Good for you, Here, you do what works for you, but it doesn't work for everyone. Some people are fine with doing the bulk of the work at evenings or weekends, some people have high needs kids, some people prefer to do certain lifework tasks and on and on. You asked a question, but don't want to hear any response that's not agreeing with you. That's not how IABU goes.

What inspired my OP was advise given to a women on maternity leave to not cook dinner for her DH who was out of the house for 11/12 hrs out of the day. I thought it was petty to deliberately and consistently not do this just to prove/ensure that housework is 50/50. Surely at 8pm you would have made yourself dinner and keeping him some over isn't such a big issue? I was just saying each partner should do what they can to make family life enjoyable and support the other person.

I'm happily listening to all opinions and responding to some dont, I just don't want to insulted on the basis of what another poster has said. You had a go at me for something someone else posted, that was my issue.

It's not a popular view here but YANBU, houses are easy to sort with a baby with a few life hacks you get to know as time goes by!
In the evenings if I'm working on housework I don't tolerate anyone over about 11 sitting down and watching TV.

@Icannystandit Thank GOD someone came out and said this. In total agreement with you, and with the OP.

I have an almost 3 year old and work 3 days a week, on my Tue & Wed off I make sure I dedicate either a morning or an afternoon on both days to toddler activities whether that be swimming, park, soft play, walk in the woods etc.. then the other half of my day I do the food shop and then tackle the housework & prepare dinner.

Leaving this for my DH to do when he gets home after going to work at 6:30am to carry out an extremely physically & mentally challenging job (bricklayer & director of a building firm), not returning till 5/6pm in my opinion would be grossly unfair.

I feel good about myself that I contribute a large share of the domestic work because DH works his fingers to the bones to make sure DS and I have the best of things in life!

All these people stating that maternity leave should be about relaxing, leaving the house in a tip, never cooking because they are 'recovering' is an absolute embarrassment IMO.

I to could not dream of leaving all the housework till the weekend so DH & I can share it 50/50- I'd rather be out doing things as a family! Some very strange views on here that I've never come across IRL...

Not necessarily. I was a sahm when my kids were little and I was busy enough doing things with them and taking them out so the housework was shared. Yes I guess I couldn’t e sat them in front of CBeebies whole I sorted the housework but I didn’t want to and luckily my dh didn’t want me to either! On maternity if you have no other children and are well then yes you could likely get stuff done. I wouldn’t expect someone busy working from home to be doing housework but obviously it would depend on the kind of work.

Surely what works for you doesn't work for everyone. But crack on.

Nobody ever says maternity leave should be about relaxing, leaving the house in a tip and never cooking. Never.

Those of you who manage so brilliantly to do everything including maintaining world peace and getting hubby's tea on the table every night, well done.

But surely you can imagine that not everyone is having the same experience as you? Not everyone has the same levels of support. not everyone has the same amount of money. People have had different upbringings. People have varying states of mental health. There is no 'should'. If people lived their lives based on what Mumsnet threads say they 'should' do there'd be a lot of misery around. In fact the prescriptive attitudes on here really did nearly send me nuts when I was at home with small children/babies and that was before it was annexed by the Daily Mail. I won't apologise for telling people to give themselves a break about what they 'should' and 'shouldn't do.

All these people stating that maternity leave should be about relaxing, leaving the house in a tip, never cooking because they are 'recovering' is an absolute embarrassment IMO.

Im not an embarrassment thank you very much and you can fuck right off with that sort of judgement.

I've been the sole breadwinner for 3 years while DH has been setting up his own business. I've been working 60 hour weeks in a horrible job, no support, tonnes of pressure, lots of travel while still trying my damndest to be a good mum to DS1. I had a very tough pregnancy on top of that while work didn't let up an inch.

I'm exhausted and need a bit of time and space for my physical and mental health. My (very generous) maternity pay is still covering 90% of our household bills.

So people contribute in different ways. People need time and space at various points to recover from the pressure. Thankfully my DH understands that and is immensely grateful for the chances I've given him, at cost to myself.

For clarity, I still do all cooking and shopping. My house is not a tip, but resting is much more of a priority than cleaning right now and I make no apologies for that.

FYI I never sling my child in front of the TV whilst I clean the house for hours on end, as stated by OP children are capable of having some time to entertain themselves, playing with their toys/puzzles etc whereby I can get stuff done, I'm not saying everything is PRISTINE & cleaned to the highest of standards but it's not hard to throw the hoover round and bleach the bathroom whilst popping in & out of the living area to check on DS.

And yes some people who have had very traumatic births, suffer with their mental health etc will take a lot longer to recover & adjust to having the demands of a small baby but the general consensus seems that no matter what the pregnancy/birth, circumstances, that Mat Leave is for doing nothing except look after the baby?? Which I personally find embarrassing & pretty laughable!!

All these people stating that maternity leave should be about relaxing, leaving the house in a tip, never cooking because they are 'recovering' is an absolute embarrassment IMO.

Wow, what a narrow-minded, sneery, nasty post. I was lucky and had easy deliveries. Several of my friends had C-sections with complications that took months to recover from, instrumental deliveries that left them needing several surgical repairs, recurrent mastitis including abscess, severe PND but how very dare they not cook and clean on mat leave! FFS.

Not hard for you. Well done. I'm glad your life works for you. Don't tell other people how to live theirs.

Maternity leave literally is time off to look after a baby. The clue is in the name.

Which I personally find embarrassing & pretty laughable!!

I'd find it embarrassing that my employer paid me to become a domestic appliance because I had a baby.

Ime the amount of time a very little baby/toddler will entertain themselves for is slim. Lots of babies want to be pretty much constantly held and toddlers attention spans are not the greatest. If you had a young child who would sit happily while you did chores then great but I certainly wasn’t going to leave mine distressed for the sake of having the house nice for their dad coming home. I’m sure most people wouldn’t be happy to pay a childminder to do their housework while your kid was left to their own devices.

Perhaps it's because I was brought up by parents from an older generation with a different set of values. My mum had me later on in life but had my 4 siblings very close in age and was a SAHM and did 100% of domestic work whilst her husband was out working a 60 hour week.

That is probably extreme & very Victorian example but I just can't fathom in my head anyone being a SAHP suggesting that they just look after the child all day, do nothing else, but split all domestic work with the person who is out in the work place when they return home from work/weekends??? That to me is so unfair on the person who is at work.

And FWIW I only have my Mum for limited support, Dad has Alzheimer's, have minimal contact with family for various reasons & DH has no family (brought up in care).

I am one of seven kids, all born close to each other. no such thing as maternity leave when I was born. My mother coped (she moaned a bit) but she coped. I thought about her reaction to the statement by a pp

'Totally disagree that a mum on maternity leave should be doing housework other than maybe putting the washing machine on. She's keeping a new human alive'

What about her other children. Should she bother to keep them alive too?
My mother worked evenings in a factory when my Dad got home and then as soon as the youngest was at school she worked full time until she was nearly seventy. In fact both my parents did.

What you are saying is that your partners work outside the home is more important or worthy than looking after your child.
Luckily me and dh were on the same page that looking after our dc was the most important and an equally tiring job as working outside the home.