AIBU to assume that if one person in a couple is at home significantly more than the other tbey should take care of more of the housework and cooking etc.

[HereForTheLineEyes]

Another thread got me thinking. The OP was on maternity leave and was cooking dinner for her DH every night who worked very long hours. Personally I thought this fine. I have been out of the house for full days and got in late and DH has kept me a plate from the dinner he made for us and the kids. I think it would be a bit off if I came home and DH had fed himself and his kids but expected me to start up making my own dinner myself at 7/8 at night.

The general assumption amongst friends and family and people I know in RL is that if one parent is a SAHM or working P/T or on maternity leave, then they will shoulder more of the childcare/housework.

Obviously if a person is on maternity leave the priority is looking after the baby and getting some rest and recovering. My DH and I lowered our standards around how clean we'd like the house to look and how on top of laundry etc we'd like to be when I was on maternity leave, because having an EBF clingy baby and trying to get stuff done can be tough. Saying that I had to eat and my baby had to eat, so (once over 6 months old) I'd be making food anyway. It seems a bit spiteful and selfish to not put a bit more food on just to ensure a perfect 50/50 split in household duties.

Now my youngest is 2.5, I work 3 days a week. I do try and get the laundry sorted, the floors hoovered and some home cooked nutritious food on the table and in the freezer. I also take my son to a toddler group and out to visit friends with kids, but in general I try to do the lions share of the housework so that we can enjoy our weekends as a family.

DH works from home and has a later work start than me, so he drops the kids off to school and childcare the days I'm working and will put on loads of washing during the day.

I don't see this as sexist or wifey or whatever, just teamwork. I would expect DH to keep on top of things the way I do if he was the one working P/T. We really enjoy our relaxed evenings and quality time together as a family at the weekends, and this wouldn't be possible if I was dead set on a 50/50 division of household labour.

HugoBearsMummy are you saying I insinuated that? Because I just didn't.

Mookatron, I quote from my own post, which you probably couldn't be bothered to read either. How you would have disapproved of my very hard working mother (indeed parents). All us kids went to university in no small part because of their hard work and determination.

*I am one of seven kids, all born close to each other. no such thing as maternity leave when I was born. My mother coped (she moaned a bit) but she coped. I thought about her reaction to the statement by a pp

'Totally disagree that a mum on maternity leave should be doing housework other than maybe putting the washing machine on. She's keeping a new human alive'

What about her other children. Should she bother to keep them alive too?
My mother worked evenings in a factory when my Dad got home and then as soon as the youngest was at school she worked full time until she was nearly seventy. In fact both my parents did.*

Hugobearsmummy you are the one who used the word “embarrassment” about how other families do things. You are contributing to making other people feel crappy about themselves. Own your judgement, don’t pretend it’s not there.

'Totally disagree that a mum on maternity leave should be doing housework other than maybe putting the washing machine on. She's keeping a new human alive'

This sort of comment is always taken out of context on these threads. It obviously applies to a first-time mum, and helps to remind her that when she feels shell-shocked and sore and exhausted that it’s totally not to manage to get anything done. Have some bloody empathy. Why try to make people feel like shit?

This is getting extremely tedious. The majority vote on this thread was an attack on the OP, with the opinion that JUST looking after a child was the job of a SAHP, and all domestic responsibilities should be shared with the parent who was out working full time. There's also a general consensus that Maternity Leave is just to recover from birth and look after the baby.
I happened to agree with the OP that I personally believe that the person at home should do more of the domestic work, (NOT ALL!!!!) rather than leaving it until DP returns from work or leave all till the weekend to share 50/50.

YES there are exceptions to this whereby DC are ill, you are ill & things don't get done etc etc.
Not just you but others HAVE insinuated that any mother that doesn't spend 100% of every waking hour glued to their child's side is somehow neglectful??? Sorry but it's ridiculous & as stated previous, I don't know of any family IRL that has this mindset.

littlemiss that sounds really tough. I'm not saying DH is entitled to be narky if the house isn't spotless and dinner isn't on the table as he walks through the door, not at all. It's one thing for someone to try to get stuff done around the house when they get the opportunity, and another for their partner to demand that they 100% of the housework done.

Of course there are times when your baby will be teething or have colic or be unwell or dropping a nap and things will be hectic for a few weeks or months.

I did state in my OP that the babies needs and mum's MH was the priority. I'm certainly not one of those ones who jumps up to iron or frantically bleach down the skirting boards (don't do that at all actually) the second my youngest is down for a nap, but if DS is happy and I can get 20 mins of vacuuming done or chop some veg ready for a quick stir-fry then great.

mrsmuddlepies You have no fucking idea what I would approve of or not. If you bother to read my posts you'll see what I'm complaining about is not people sharing housework or doing whatever they please - I'm suggesting people should not tell other people what to do.

You have found the ONE post on here that says maternity leave is about only looking after a baby (which admittedly I missed) - a post I suspect is written by somebody in the early days of maternity leave who is being made to feel shit by this post.

Don't put words in my mouth because YOU can't be arsed to read what I ACTUALLY SAID.

@HerSymphonyAndSong Apologies, but I personally would feel embarrassed if the ONLY thing I did on my 2 days off from work was just play with my DS and absolutely nothing else to contribute towards the running of the household, all the while DH was out running a business & doing hard manual labour for almost 12 hours. That's just my personal opinion.

And do you think other women should be embarrassed, or just you?

I'm truly sorry if this thread has made anyone feel bad about their parenting choices. I have just come across the attitude of leaving all housework until DP gets home and then splitting it 50/50 a few times in MN, but literally NEVER in RL and wondered if I lived in some sort of little bubble and everyone else was leaving all HW until their partner was home in order to ensure a fair 50/50 split.

I did honestly try to make it clear that looking after the baby was the priority, as was mum's MH.

It wasn't intended as a thread purely about time management on maternity leave. I've also seen the 50/50 split attitude on MN from people who work P/T or SAHMs. I don't think any one person in a partnership should be solely responsible for all housework and childcare, I just didn't think the 50/50 split was conducive to a couple pulling together and working as a team.

Surely at 8pm you would have made yourself dinner

Hahahahahahaha. When my kids were tiny there is no way on this earth I had made dinner by 8pm although possibly if DH was home one of us would have. As they started to get older we did their tea walker but even now years later we usually don’t have dinner made for 8pm. 8:30pm maybe and I view that as a win. With a baby and a toddler one of us usually started cooking at 9pm.

Their tea earlier that was meant to say.

I think what most hope for, once the newborn dust has settled (however many children you have), is to do their best during the weekdays and whatever isn’t managed is spread evenly in the time remaining. Hopefully allowing for family time and downtime as needed

@HerSymphonyAndSong Perhaps stop being so 'goady'. Everyone has their own opinion. I don't HAVE to agree with anyone about anything. And I'm not sorry for wanting to help my household run smoothly by taking on the majority of the domestic work whilst at home, as I believe it would be grossly unfair on my DH to expect him to do 50/50 when he returns from 12 hours hard manual labour on a building site, as well as mental labour once home organising work/managing sites/making important phone calls once he finishes!!! MY OPINION. Not asking for anyone to agree.

But what you do is, I think, what most people try to do. It’s not so unusual. And sometimes they don’t manage it and need not to be made to feel like crap about it

I'm on maternity leave, I do all of the cleaning and laundry except on the weekends. My husband does all the cooking. I had a normal delivery and quick recovery. Our daughter is 6 months old and between 8:30 am to 5:00 pm she usually naps twice for a total of 3 to 4 hours.

If I had a more difficult baby, poor sleeper, longer recovery then I wouldn't do most of the cleaning.

@HereForTheLineEyes You don't need to justify yourself, I also do not know of any SAHP / PT working parent IRL who expects a complete 50/50 split of domestic chores with the parent in full time work. And I agree with your opinion - it wouldn't be working as a team.

@HerSymphonyAndSong apparently not though according to the thread. Apparently doing ANYTHING other than looking after the child is neglectful as they mustn't be left alone And a DH/DW that doesn't do an exact 50/50 split of chores when working full time, despite not being in the house to do said chores, is a lazy git. STRANGE.

I know hardly any that don’t expect a 50/50 split. Maybe it’s just my friends but the prevailing opinion seems to be that looking after children is much harder and more stressful than work, unless you have a very stressful job. I speak as someone who has had jobs that would have been perceived as stressful / life or death type stuff in the past. Not in the same ballpark as looking after children.

That's what happens in our house, yes. DH works full time; I went part time after having DS 17 years ago and never returned to full time as DS getting older coincided with our parents needing more care, so, yes, i do more day to day housework and care. DH tends to do more specific tasks - although he's always tidying up!

I don’t know any adult who would expect to come home to their dinner on the table.
Dh and I managed to cook after we got in from work before kids so why can’t dinner prep start then during mat leave?

@HugoBearsMummy

How do you think single people manage their chores? They do them when they are not at work! Go figure!

I feel more tired on mat leave than I did working 50 hours a week. I think it's because there's no "break". My day starts at half 5 and finishes at half 8. I'm knackered.

DH comes home from work at about 5 and he cooks, but I do the washing and cleaning.

As others have said: different folks different strokes.

@A580Hojas the thread isn't referring to 2 parents who are out of the house working full time.

I agree rainbow that it can be harder than paid work at times. But I also found that when kids are younger and need to be looked after most intensely they nap the most, so hard work but you get a lot of little breaks most of the time. As kids get older they nap less, but by 2 or 3 when they're no longer napping they don't need to be constantly held or rely solely on breast milk for food, and are happy to potter about the house or garden independently a bit more.