DIL gave granddaughter her mum's name as a middle name but second granddaughter my aunt's name?

[Colgate85]

Hi maybe I'm being completely unreasonable here. DIL and son have a daughter already and he middle name is DIL's mum's name. They just had their second daughter and told me we "wanted to honour you this time" and I was obviously very grateful and excited, but she went on to say we have used your aunt's name?

AIBU to be a little bit miffed how this is honouring me?

My son said they wanted both girls to share the same initial in the middle, which is why they did it but  that's fine but why the big song and dance about how it's honouring me.

When we chose to give our DD a middle name that honoured her oldest living female relative we just used it regardless of what it was - otherwise you aren't honouring that person are you? You're just choosing a name you like

I used my dad's mum's middle name as my eledests middle name (I didn't like her first name so not going to name my child a name I don't like) and my second was given my husband's grans name as her middle name.

Maybe they don't like your name but are still honouring your family by using your aunts name. I don't expect my children to honour me by using my name for grandchildren because, well my name's a bit shit!

My dd has both of her DGM names as her middle name (classic English names). My dd regularly complains about her dull and boring middle names. So you can't win! I gave my dd both their names, they were happy, she isn't .

Also if someone said they were calling their dd after me I would tell them not to because I hate my name.

Hmm...DS1 has my dad’s name for a middle name, DS2 has no family ties to either name and DS3 has ended up with two names that are “family names” for my family, though we didn’t realise until after we’d announced and my parents got excited.

These “family names” have either skipped a couple of generations or been hidden in some cousins middle names. And yet my parents were excited and felt to some degree honored, I suppose.

If we ever had a girl, I don’t think I could saddle her with any of my mum or MIL’s names. Maybe a diminutive of MIL’s as a middle name, but they aren’t the sort of classic name that could belong to a 100 year old or a 1 year old, they are quite old fashioned.

Is your name Maureen or Beryl?

Yeah, I'd be pretty non-plussed too! If they'd said they wanted to recognise your side of the family, then whatever, but it's a bit weird to think you need to act all 'honoured' at the use of your aunt's name as a middle name!

"When we chose to give our DD a middle name that honoured her oldest living female relative we just used it regardless of what it was - otherwise you aren't honouring that person are you? You're just choosing a name you like "

This! Well said, @M3lon

They didn’t honour OP though. My guess is the dil didn’t really want to use OP’s name but DS may have pushed and the aunt’s name might have been a compromise. Let it go, OP. It’s not worth it.

I think you need to get over yourself and just say "it's nice you included a family name"

I come from a family where, unlike a lot of others, we like to pass things on through the female line and names is one of them. It pisses my MIL off and I just told her it had been my families tradition for generations.

Were you particularly close to/fond of the aunt whose name was chosen? Is that why they felt they were honouring you? I have no grandchildren on the horizon but I would be shocked (and a bit sorry for the baby) if the parents decide to name a child after me. (Nothing wrong with my name, just that it is rather dated). However if they named the baby after one of my late but dearly loved aunts - even a middle name. I would be overwhelmed.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone - have you ever questioned why your family had that tradition? My family (gran’s side) used to have something similar about passing names and traditions through the maternal line: discovered later that’s because a great, great, great, gran was Jewish and so the religious rites were passed along by women . As our family is Hindu now, a religion where traditions and the religion can be passed by either sex, it was no longer considered appropriate. A British colleague of mine had similar matrileneal naming traditions because the women in her family never used to get married back in the day (too poor). It’s not fair for you not to involve your mil if you don’t understand why you have those traditions in the first place surely!

If this were reframed and the DS had insisted on using his mum's name for the first DD and refused to countenance the DiL's mum's name for the second DD, the responses to this thread might look different. It does seem as if the DS has meekly gone along with the name choices. We don't know if he was happy with it but it sounds more like he didn't want an argument than he didn't want his mum's name used. Suppose it was DiL that was 'press-ganged' by DS to use his mum's name first time round and then not DiL's mum's second time round and it was DiL's mum that was writing the opening post feeling a bit upset ....

I come from a family where, unlike a lot of others, we like to pass things on through the female line and names is one of them. It pisses my MIL off and I just told her it had been my families tradition for generations

And where's your husbands say in all of this?

If this were reframed and the DS had insisted on using his mum's name for the first DD and refused to countenance the DiL's mum's name for the second DD, the responses to this thread might look different. It does seem as if the DS has meekly gone along with the name choices.

It would also be an entirely different premise. We have no reason to assume that DS isn't entirely happy with the names chosen. He may even be the instigator. Its pretty spineless for one parent to imply that the other parent is to blame for a name - both parents share responsibility. I can imagine such a person not wanting to use a particular name but not wanting to say so.

My daughter has my Gran’s name as a middle name. It isn’t the prettiest name around but the fact that it was my Gran’s name was really important to me, also why the middle name is the ideal place to honour a loved one!

OutwiththeOutCrowd I think you're probably spot on with your reasoning

I agree with those who say they jut don’t like your name. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you though.

Grasping at straws, do you have a daughter? Perhaps they have left your name free for her to use if has a daughter one day.

Lots of pp saying that they probably don't like ur name. That may or may not be true. However, initials are important. My middle name was after a family member but my initials spell a three letter word that is not very nice and I hate my initials. From your Op I get the impression that they chose your aunts name in honour of you. Their intention is to honour you while also honouring their own choice of initials for their daughter. Yabu and a little bit rude. So, they wanted to honour you in their own way and you are rejecting it because it's not your actual name. Can't you just graciously accept that they meant well even though it is not exactly what you want? Fwiw your son blaming his wife to avoid conflict with you is unhealthy and you shouldn't be encouraging it. Your dil just gave birth she doesn't need petty mil problems or unnecessary stress put on her marriage.

But on mumsnet they make out it is the mothers choice for all the names and the bloke does not get to decide and should just go with whatever the mother wants since she carried the baby......

To be honest I don't think most blokes care too much about names. They might intervene if the name Moondog Starship is mooted but otherwise ...

Why do people feel they need to 'honour' anybody via their children's names!? My son has my husband (his dad) name as his middle name. Anyone further up the line is a step too far for me.

OP, it sounds to me like they were trying to be nice and didn't want to upset you - this is not a bad thing. The 'honouring' thing is just a nice way of framing it - they're remembering, honouring, your side of the family. They're letting you know that you were a significant consideration. Again, this is a nice thing.

What doesn't seem nice, to me, is the way that your son decided to throw his wife under the bus and you bought into that. You questioned him and this was his immediate response, which sounds like something a fearful person would say. If you think about it, both parents choose the name together and would each veto any name they dislike. So, your son chose the name as much as your DIL. Do you think he has difficulty being honest with you? (It might help you to google FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.)

What they probably meant was, "We wanted to honour you this time, as we used DIL's mum's name last time, and so played around with different name options but they didn't work. Then we tried Aunty's name and it was a fit. We like it and it suits the baby, which is great! Still, we feel bad about it and didn't know how to tell you as we thought you would be upset about it." Now, here you are, upset about it. I might be wrong but it reads to me as though you're getting too hooked into the petty details of this issue. I would try to focus on the nice things about it and be thankful that you have a lovely family who consider you.

SandAndSea why do you think the son didn't chooses his mums name when his wife chose her mums name first time round?

It sound like "honouring you" was code for "shutting you up". My last child was named after my grandfather and my father. My mother had a hissy fit about there being no name from her side of the family (I had three other sons who were named after my husband's family and my late daughter was named after my SIL- I chose all of the names except the first).
I'd never met the family members my mother was talking about (family names handed down generations blah blah) and I'm pretty sure that they didn't care, what with being dead and all. But we added an extra middle name, just to make her be quiet. I think we framed it was "honouring her side of the family" or some such nonsense, but everyone except her knew what that really meant.