DIL gave granddaughter her mum's name as a middle name but second granddaughter my aunt's name?

[Colgate85]

Hi maybe I'm being completely unreasonable here. DIL and son have a daughter already and he middle name is DIL's mum's name. They just had their second daughter and told me we "wanted to honour you this time" and I was obviously very grateful and excited, but she went on to say we have used your aunt's name?

AIBU to be a little bit miffed how this is honouring me?

My son said they wanted both girls to share the same initial in the middle, which is why they did it but  that's fine but why the big song and dance about how it's honouring me.

this is exactly how poor MIL/DIL relationships start

Precisely! I used to go out with someone who, when he couldn't be arsed going to see his mum, said I wouldn't let him 🙄 total bollocks of course, he just didn't wanna tell the truth, no wonder she was so cold with me.

He clearly said this to deflect the blame onto her

Why do ou think the child isn't named after her paternal grandma? Do you think the DS didn't want to honour his mother or that he wanted the easy life and gave in to his wife because she didn't want to use MILs name for whatever reason?

Yabu and op its both your ds and dil decision not just dil. Just enjoy your new grand daughter x

I do suspect that they just don't like your name. I would never have used my Mum's first name for my DC, it's awful, and she has never liked her name either. Some people do like the matching initials thing, and they have taken a name from your side to do this.

I would concentrate on your relationship with your DS, DIL & DGC. Assuming they are not across the other side of the world or anything, have you been able to meet your new DGD? Have you been able to spend time with them all, are you kept updated, and, if you are further afield, do they facetime, send videos etc? Time spend with your DGDs is far more precious than whether they have your name or not, and to be treasured.

If relationships are strained, however, and you have limited contact, then this suggests that there is perhaps more to the name choice.

Great they probably never thought about it until they had another girl and thought "oh crap what about mum, but we don't like her name". Why is the woman always blamed?!

It all sounds quite try hard and a load of 'trying to be deep but meaningless' bollocks to me.

I'd just give them an inward eye roll and let them crack on with the weirdness OP.

Mind you, my MIL (who is lovely but hugely overly-sentimental) has concocted her own tenous name links to her family, where in actual fact my boys have their own names, they're individuals not memorials.

last God, yes, this.

It's like 'look at us, we're faaaaaamily, we honourrrr each other'. When did British people start being so twee and sentimental about stuff?

It's just a name ffs. It's not that big a thing.

They either don't like you, don't like your name or both!

My daughter has my nan's sister's name as her first name and my other nan's name as her middle name. I loved my nan but her name isn't one I would chose to name a baby. Her sister who was also a lovely kind woman had a beautiful name. I still feel like I've honoured my nan through her sister.

Your son and daughter in law probably felt the same or they just felt they had to pretend they'd done that so you wouldn't kick off on mumsnet that the baby doesn't have your name.

BrokenWing - Your post was completely off and i’m Not the only one who noticed. You have made up your own version of what happened despite OP saying to the contrary in her posts. Your assumptions were nasty and spiteful to make OP feel bad. Infact it would seem you were rather projecting. This is not okay.

I doubt that Gelatine. Naming your baby is something that's thought about for months and months. The DILs used her mums name first and I doubt very much she thought " oh crap we don't like your mums name " after the second DD was born, this would have been discussed the first time round!

Either use both or none.

OP I agree with you. This is slightly unkind and thoughtless. I think they should have anticipated this scenario in advance when naming the first DD and desisted from using DIL's mum's name if they didn't feel they could commit to using yours if a second DD arrived later. There would surely have been other names they liked for the first DD.

And I agree they weren't really honouring you with the aunt name choice either. They were just trying to make themselves feel better about their actions.

I'd just try to find the humour in this op.

They picked names they like and they are giving you a bit of unasked for "honour".

It's daftness but not harmful.

It's not your child to name put bluntly.

One of my kids has my grandmother's middle name as her middle name, the other has a name with no family connections on either side whatsoever. Wasn't going to inflict either my mum's or MIL's name on either child as they are both very much names that are a product of the era they were born in and very "dated" at the moment and the use of my gran's middle name was partly a nod back to my family history and partly just because it's a nice, not currently dated name, that flowed nicely with the first name we'd chosen.

You can feel narked off but it's tough shit really. It's obviously more than feeling narked off if they're feeling they need to placate you with the idea the name they have chosen is from your side and other spurious shit to keep you happy.

(Ours would have been the equivalent of choosing between Sharon and Tracey for a baby if we'd named after either mother or MIL - that kind of level of dated name with certain preconceptions attached)

I can’t bear this ‘honouring’ business. “would always have reminded us of FIL and everyone knew that’s why we picked it. ” That’s so much to put on a child. Why should this new little individual be used as a memorial for someone else ? Why should they have to live with a name that constantly reminds relatives of someone else ? It’s not their role.

If you want to ‘honour ‘ someone , change your own name!

OP, I do think it was unfair of your DS ( and DIL) to mislead you. It sounds as if they got themselves in unthought out knots over this honouring business.

Laugh, say ‘good lord, honouring comes through how we treat our family, not how we name them? I would love my Dgd if she were called Tomato Maureen Socks’ and move on.

DS said "well it's what she wanted" hence I only said DIL in the title

Why a dick! Absolute spineless wet blanket.

And then we wonder why there are so many MIL/DIL problems when you've got shit stirrers like this in between them.

" It's like 'look at us, we're faaaaaamily, we honourrrr each other'. When did British people start being so twee and sentimental about stuff?"

We always have used older relatives names. The Royal Family is a prime example of it.

I know how you feel OP. I would have liked my middle name used for my second Granddaughter, but they chose her dead Paternal Great-Grandmother's name. What grates is that I've picked up the pieces for him being a shit dead, practically and financially.

I really wanted to be my youngest Granddaughter's Godmother, but they chose another Paternal relative, who turned up late for Church looking rough and their own children can't relay on them, let anyone else's.

My DD tells me it's meaningless, but if that's the case, why chose what they did, at all.

Another vote for MimiSunshine's scenario.

They may not think your name works for a current baby girl, that doesn't mean they don't like you. All our children have at least one family name but none of them were names we didn't like or which sounded too "dated" for the school register.

It didn't occur to us that in reflecting family we had to have exact parity across the families but fortunately neither of our families are daft enough to get uptight about it.

As they double barrelled when they got married for "fairness" so I don't know,

You have a problem with this? If not why the bunnies ears around "fairness"?

DS said "well it's what she wanted" hence I only said DIL in the title

Or possibly he was keeping you happy by blaming someone else.

This isn't just about the name is it?

What grates is that I've picked up the pieces for him being a shit dad, practically and financially.

This is what I don't get. How does a string of letters affect the sense of connection you have? Are you saying that you feel the support you have given them would be more justified if his child had a different middle name?? It's bizarre! They're just letters.

I wouldn’t take it personally. My DD has my late grandmother’s name as her first name but we love the name. If my Nan had been called Maud or Ethel on the other hand there would have been no ‘honouring’ going on!

I loved my nan but her name isn't one I would chose to name a baby. Her sister who was also a lovely kind woman had a beautiful name. I still feel like I've honoured my nan through her sister.

Would you really, honestly feel if someone named something after your sister it was really a tribute to you? If I donated a load of money to my old school and they announced that they were now calling the gym the 'Lisa's sister's name gym' would people be like 'oh, what a lovely tribute to Lisa'?!

I don't think there's any need to name your child after anyone at all - we didn't and I think all of DS's grandparents still feel pretty connected to and keen on him - but doing it one step removed and acting like that's the same thing is just bizarre.

I can get why it's like made you think hmmmm…...what did your son actually say though when you pointed it out? If you've made your point that you don't really feel like it's honouring you & you are of course happy with their choice of name but you'd like them to stop saying it's for you then I'd let it go. Point made.

I know a few people have said 'let it go' but if the point hasn't been made I'd try and explain it to your son and DIL. Calmly. If it's they don't like your name then you'll have to live with that...you've already said that you know they don't have to honour you and that you accept that.

For me if you don't talk this out then the resentment might start. As a family you should hopefully be able to talk it out. They have upset you - a little - they need to understand that. Not sure why people are saying it will be okay otherwise.

I loved my nan but her name isn't one I would chose to name a baby. Her sister who was also a lovely kind woman had a beautiful name. I still feel like I've honoured my nan through her sister.

No you haven't. In any way shape or form. You've chose the name of your Nans sister because you liked the name better, if your Nan had been named it you would have chosen that name and said it was after her.

My daughter has my grandparents surname as her middle name (it's a girls name) as she already has husbands family in her name.... her surname.
If and when we have another child their middle name will also be from my family, as I want a bit of my family in my children's names!

We named DS after my DF. We wouldn’t have named a second DS after my husband’s DF because we don’t like his name. But if he was going to be annoyed we might make up an excuse about how our chosen name honoured his side of the family. Let it go, they obviously don’t like your name.