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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL gave granddaughter her mum's name as a middle name but second granddaughter my aunt's name?

165 replies

Colgate85 · 02/11/2018 06:17

Hi maybe I'm being completely unreasonable here. DIL and son have a daughter already and he middle name is DIL's mum's name. They just had their second daughter and told me we "wanted to honour you this time" and I was obviously very grateful and excited, but she went on to say we have used your aunt's name?

AIBU to be a little bit miffed how this is honouring me?

My son said they wanted both girls to share the same initial in the middle, which is why they did it but  that's fine but why the big song and dance about how it's honouring me.

OP posts:
Nodancingshoes · 02/11/2018 07:24

I don't think this means anything. My mum died when I was very young and I would have loved to have used her name for my daughter. However, it is a name rarely used these days and I would not saddle a child with it...(think Tracey, Eileen etc...) In the end I did use family names but not my mother's

voxnihili · 02/11/2018 07:25

They probably just didn't like the name so have tried to come up with something from your side of the family. I am so close to my mum but there is no way I would have inflicted her name on my daughter - I chose something that is a play on a family name as a way of 'honouring' her.

MumNeedsANap · 02/11/2018 07:25

Yeah they are not honouring you, it's very weird they said that!

Letshopeitsallok · 02/11/2018 07:27

So your DS felt the need to throw his wife under the bus and blame her, rather than own his choice. Interesting.

Does he often complain about being in “the middle” between you and DIL?

Liojhcdst · 02/11/2018 07:30

Yabu.they WERE sort of honoring you via your side of the family. Your name mustn't have worked but they liked your aunts instead. I think there's much more to be concerned about than the name you're choosing when you've just had a baby imo. My dm is still offended we didn't use HER dms name for our daughter just because she wished she'd chosen it for mine. I didn't like it so I didn't use it. It's silly.

Badgerandmole · 02/11/2018 07:31

My Dgm has over 50 Gc/Ggc. About 10 of these have been named after Dgf either first or mIddle names but none after her. This is purely because he has a nice popular name and she has a not so nice dated name. Regardless of this they are always both chuffed whenever anybody uses his name as the intentions behind it are good and more importantly they are more focused on the excitement of the new baby.

I think yabu to get worked up about this. It sounds like there were only good intentions from your DIL even if you don’t feel particularly honoured. I’m wondering if your relationship with DIL is not that great to begin with - try to put any negative feelings aside and just get excited about your new Gc.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 02/11/2018 07:32

They are being silly to say they are "honouring you" when in fact they are effectively saying "we love you and we really wanted to honour you, but... your name is too horrible to use for our lovely baby. So we've trawled through your family until we found a name we happened to like, and we're going to use that, and pretend to you and ourselves that it honours you."

I see this all the time on Mumsnet, actually. "What do you think of the name Ferdinand? It is very meaningful to us because DH had a great uncle Frederick who died before her was born, and we want to honour him by using a similar name."

They mean well but YANBU to think wtf.

Urbanbeetler · 02/11/2018 07:32

They’re trying to show you they aren’t favouring her family by picking a name from yours which they like. Honestly, accept it for what it is - say how lovely, such a sweet name too and don’t mention it again. If you make a thing about this, where does that take you? Down a rabbit hole of comparisons and complaints which will drive a big wedge between them and you.

Don’t see offence where I’m sure none was intended.

Glossymare · 02/11/2018 07:33

Op, I can only presume that they’re not too keen on your name but like your aunts name. They’ve just tried to pick a name from your side of the family. Okay so it’s not honouring you, but to be blunt, they don’t have to. Their baby, their name choice. You need to get over your disappointment. Don’t be ‘that’ MIL.

Hisaishi · 02/11/2018 07:33

The idea of 'honouring' people is so teeth-clenchingly cheesy anyway that I really don't think you need to worry about it.

lovetherisingsun · 02/11/2018 07:34

YABU. They probably don't like your name, hence not using it. I wouldn've liked to honour my dad but tbh his name isn't my favourite. Doesn't mean I loved him any the less, just didn't want to give my child his name.

Scottishgirl85 · 02/11/2018 07:34

It'll be the name itself. Our daughter has Alice as her middle name after my husband's gran. My gran's were Margaret and Agnes which I'm not keen on so we didn't use them for our other daughter. Let it go.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/11/2018 07:35

That's not honouring you. How strange that they could even think or say it was. Unkind and a bit mean of them.

Yanbu OP at all to be upset.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2018 07:35

“Accept it for what it is”: Tawdry has clearly described what it is Grin

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 02/11/2018 07:35

I have my MGMs name as my middle name, my older sister has the female variant of a name that runs through my DFs family and my younger sister has my DMs name as hers. My DPs didn't like either of my PGMs names. I don't think it was taken well but they tried to argue that DFs family were represented with older sister.

I suspect they don't like your name or feel it goes with their chosen first name.

MaisyPops · 02/11/2018 07:36

lovetherisingsun
But then you don't say anything and just name your child.
I think Hisaishi has it with the teeth clenching and cheesy. The whole 'we've honoured my mum and now we'll honour you' thing is cringeworthy without saying it all, being fake and not doing it

Mrsmadevans · 02/11/2018 07:40

'It’ll be a name thing. They like the aunts name, but not yours. They want to use s name for their dd they like.'
This completely .
YABU it is just a name, forget it and enjoy your DGC , many of us would love to have a grandchild to love and cherish . You are so fortunate OP.

ReadMyLipss · 02/11/2018 07:40

If you're going to get so easily offended at small insignificant things like this then I really do feel sorry for your daughter in law. She's going to have a hard time with a mother in law like you no matter what she does or doesn't do.

In my experience, attitudes to little things like this are a good indicator of the bigger picture. You don't like her, and you're going make it into a contest of you vs her.

Just let it go and try to get along for everyone's sake!

Chunkymonkey123 · 02/11/2018 07:43

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be hurt and of course using your aunts name is not honouring you.
We gave out DS1 my dad’s name as a middle name and my DS2 my FIL’s name. I try very hard to be fair to both sides of the family as they are both equally important. But tbh I don’t really care about middle names as I can’t see where mine has ever really come up in my life!

headinhands · 02/11/2018 07:43

Why would you be excited about someone having a certain name. You're over invested. It's just a string of letters.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2018 07:45

It’s not the name OP is annoyed about it’s being told disengenous bollocks about how she was “being honoured”!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/11/2018 07:46

Don't be ridiculous readmylips. Easily offended? The OPs granddaughter was named after her DILs the first time which is fair enough but the second time after her aunt as if this is some consolation prize!

I doubt there's many people in RL that wouldn't actually care. Of course people on the internet can say they wouldn't in a complete made up scenario that they aren't in!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/11/2018 07:54

I think what they did was unkind. Did you say anything?

Miscible · 02/11/2018 07:55

If you're going to get so easily offended at small insignificant things like this

How does "a little bit miffed" suddenly get translated into "so offended"? MN is very strange sometimes.

LordPickle · 02/11/2018 07:57

I think MimiSunshine nailed it.

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