Friend lost her 4 year old for an hour and didn't notice. AIBU to not leave DS with her for birthday party?

[PenelopeA]

This might be seen as extremely bitchy but honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted! She has a daughter who is 4. Was at home "doing bits and bobs" (her words) and thought daughter was in living room on tablet. An hour later police knock on the door saying they had found her daughter wandering around corner shop trying to take sweets for half an hour alone. I don't know the ins and outs of everything as she only told me the story. Apparently she had a big meeting with social services and they said they don't believe she's at risk at all.

DS is due to go there for a birthday party (he's 7 and it's for her eldest son). I'm a bit uncomfortable about it now tbh and don't really want to let him go!!! AIBU? I can't imagine not noticing my 4 year old leaving the house and not being there for an hour.

Mum was doing bits and bobs in the adjacent room and didn't notice 4 yo was missing / silent / not being a

Oops.

Mum was doing bits and bobs in the adjacent room and didn't notice 4 yo was missing / silent / not being a pain? I'm not sure I'd be convinced she was really just pottering round the kitchen and not asleep / ravaging the postman etc. And yeah I'd judge, because I cannot imagine my 3.5 yo being that quiet for an hour and me not assuming something was going on!!!!

But I can't see why your 7 yo is at risk, and I think it's kicking her when she's down to stop him because if she can't care for her 4 yo how can she look after your 7 yo, which is basically what you're saying

If anything she will be extra cautious now.

I went off with the milkman on his float (no innuendo intended) when I was four. Very long time ago. Police were callled. I was found at a neighbour’s house, who hadn’t thought to alert my parents. Imagine that happening now...

I couldn't agree more with ButterflySugarBaby

I can't believe people are defending this either and saying "it happens" I'm completely gobsmacked by the replies on here.

She's FOUR years old!! Yes every child is different, yes some children always play very quietly but regardless of how they play you would either quietly pop your head round the door or call out to them to make sure they were OK! No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, that's how we learn but not noticing your own child is missing for a whole hour is just unbelievably disgusting and wrong! Nothing is note important than the safety of your children!

Back in the day DM's friend opened the door to someone whose kid had told them 'Mrs X's baby is crawling down the road'. It was.

Nothing new here but if you're worried about your ds why not stay and help prevent a mass breakout?

I’ve had this happen. My DD (now 16) but 6 at the time took the split between me and her dad badly, particularly the not seeing him as much. So one night in the middle of night she got up, took her little sister who was only 2 years old out of bed and decided to go and find dad.

She unlocked the door, packed her favourite teddy bear and went off on a walk with a 2 year old in tow. She didn’t know the way to her dad of course.

I was woken up by a phone call from a friend who had seen them out, it was 3am, I have no idea how long they were out there wandering while I slept oblivious!

It scared me so much I slept with the keys under my pillow for 5 years afterwards!

Mistakes can happen to anyone.

Oblomov yes, lazy and disgusting.

From one extreme to another - it's hardly 'helicopter parenting' to shout from another room now and then to check your four year old is ok, come on.

Leaving the house, ok it happens. But to be brought back by the police after a whole hour? You have to admit, that's not the actions of a great parent. When you're in charge of a four year old checking in once in a while is pretty much the lowest expectation.

I'd be more concerned that your friend thinks it's ok to let her 4-year-old 'play' on a tablet for an hour. Don't really blame the kid for taking herself off on an adventure.

I want to know where the OP lives.

Was the child found by a policeman out on patrol, or by a member of the public who then rang the police, who in turn collected the child?

Details please OP.

@Rhiannon13 why? That’s like four episodes of Peppa Pig or something?

YANBU, I think that yes, ‘things happen’, and children can out of homes that we all thought were safe, but I do think leaving a four year old for an hour in the sitting room (and it might have been longer) while the mother was in the house doing ‘bits and bobs’ does sound a long time. As other posters have said, surely you would call out to her in that time? 🤔

Another one here similar happened to - another hide and seek. It’s how we found out my son had learned how to unlock the front door. He his outside in neighbours hedges. Neighbours heard me screaming and came out to help me look (sippy cup on floor in front of slightly open front door being the clue). Over 30 minutes later his giggling gave him away. Same son previous to this, while in a shop, sleeping in his pram with hood over, woke while I was at a counter making a return - standing next to pram. He woke, didn’t make a sound, unstrapped himself, climbed out of the pram and left the shop (department store). Store security were amazing and found him quickly (thank goodness for cctv).

Every birthday I always had many adults on hand to help. These incidents with my son were due to his ingenuity and determination. My daughters never did anything like this (though I will admit to using reigns for both girls following the incident with their brother). So I became extra vigilant. Never had any child go missing at any birthday party we hosted (I have 3 children).

I suppose OP, you’re just very lucky your child never tried one of these stunts as it’s very common. Let them go to the party.

So many replies.

I love how people are posting "same" stories but they're not really the same at all. She still didn't know her 4 year old was missing until the police knocked on the door.

No the shop worker called the police.

@Rhiannon13 you think a tablet is more worrying than wandering off. I somehow doubt you do really

It must have been a shock for your friend to have discovered that her DD had managed to get out without her knowing about it. She'll make sure it never happens again, hopefully. Also, when hosting a party where other people's DC have been invited, she's going to be on hand the whole time.

You could maybe offer to help her? Parties can be stressful to organise.

4 year old found wandering by the Police... protocol to refer to Social Care for an initial assessment, if no other concerns slap on wrist, chat about supervision, agency checks and end referral.
If the “big meeting” was an initial child protection conference then there would have been other safeguarding concerns identified. SC do do hold an ICPC for a child wandering off and no other factors. That would be what got me thinking.

I can't believe of all the people saying it's normal for children to wander.

Do you not lock your doors and keep the keys out of reach?

YABU, I would be worried about my child's safety as well.

Op do you think your 7yo will wander off or otherwise endanger themselves at a kids party? If you genuinely do then get your own house in order before criticising your friend! My kids were playing outside unsupervised at 7 and I was walking to school at the same age crossing 2 busy roads on the way! If your son can’t manage to be sensible for a couple of hours at a kids party at his age that is worrying imo.

A similar thing happened to a friend. Her 18mo wandered out of a (supposedly secure) play centre, and as found wandering down a main road by a number of the public. He wasn't gone that long, and my friend was looking for him inside (it's a big place with multiple rooms). She didn't for a second think he'd escaped.
If I think of my kids over the years, I could easily have gone for an hour faffing around in the house if I thought DC's were in front in the TV sitting happily. Your friend must be mortified. Your son will be fine at the party

I just hope you never experience the same, and maybe remember to be more charitable about other people’s mistakes. Go to the party and stay to help out.