Friend lost her 4 year old for an hour and didn't notice. AIBU to not leave DS with her for birthday party?

[PenelopeA]

This might be seen as extremely bitchy but honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted! She has a daughter who is 4. Was at home "doing bits and bobs" (her words) and thought daughter was in living room on tablet. An hour later police knock on the door saying they had found her daughter wandering around corner shop trying to take sweets for half an hour alone. I don't know the ins and outs of everything as she only told me the story. Apparently she had a big meeting with social services and they said they don't believe she's at risk at all.

DS is due to go there for a birthday party (he's 7 and it's for her eldest son). I'm a bit uncomfortable about it now tbh and don't really want to let him go!!! AIBU? I can't imagine not noticing my 4 year old leaving the house and not being there for an hour.

Oblomov18

If you can't leave your child alone for more than a few minutes, (then apart from disability/sen of child) there is probably something wrong with YOU!

Not really the same as not realising your FOUR year old is missing, and having the POLICE bring them back though, is it luv?!

@Oblomov18

I disagree that leaving a 4 year old for an hour is somehow wrong. Children start school at 4. The year they are 5, thus they start aged 4. I could leave mine happily playing, pre school. For an hour. As I pottered around.

Some children need more supervision than others depending on their personality and needs.

But if you never leave yours unsupervised, then you probably aren't preparing them for school properly.

WOW. You HAVE to be KIDDING? FFS

She didn't leave the child alone for a bit. The FOUR YEAR OLD INFANT left the house, and she didn't even notice until the police brought the child back. Yes it IS disgusting, and appalling parenting. If you cannot see that and accept that, God help you.

Then again, reading all your posts on this thread, there is no WAY you are serious. You can't be. Your posts are bizarre.

So are the posts from a few others here. I cannot BELIEVE that people actually think what happened with the OP's friend is OK.

I bet in real life, they wouldn't say to people that they think it's OK.

Because they know it's not.

While I imagine a 7 yr old should be fine as he'd surely have more sense, I'm another who's surprised by many responses here and I think I'm a reasonably laid back type generally.

Most of the stories posters are sharing are about leaving their child for minutes! Yes we all know children can wander, that you can go into another room for just minutes and return to find they've absconded/found the matches/shoved toast into the DVD player. That's why you don't leave them to their own devices for an hour.

The shocking thing isn't "child wanders" it's that her mum didn't check on the 4 year old for an hour. She couldn't hear her bumbling around because she want there. She obviously wasn't calling out to her dd because she'd have noticed she wasn't there. She didn't realise the child was missing at all . It's the hour of not noticing and not checking that's the problem here so yes, I'd call that pretty lax parenting.

Sure, all's well that ends well but I wonder how sympathetic posters would be if this was a news story about a child who'd been hit by a car or fallen into a pond and mum hadn't even noticed she was gone.

@gigantus

That would seriously be your first concern?! What people might think of you? That's what I call bad parenting!

PMSL. Clutching at straws there a bit. That barely makes sense!!!

If you think 'worrying what people think about you' makes you a worse parent than someone who has not noticed their child is missing, (and has had to have the police return the child to them!) then you have a LOT to learn about being a good parent my dear.

That would seriously be your first concern?! What people might think of you? That's what I call bad parenting!

Bullshit, no you don't, you're just flailing there.

Leaving your kid unattended for an hour is disgusting, the whole story is awful. And the poster who said her child wandered from their apartment through a maze of offices in the middle East and didn't notice till the dad brought them back, hideous!

Not checking a four year old for one hour is now considered bad parenting when they're in the same house as you. Ok then.

It's obviously not great she let herself out the house but then if was feeling argumentative I might say that's more to do with home security than leaving a kid unattended. That's why when I realised my toddlers could open the door I put a bolt at the top.

I know someone who's 2 year old did this but was only ten mins but he'd got out the front door and down the road, his dad found him luckily. The mum was drying her hair and her son had been playing on the landing. She was horrified, she's not a shit mum. I worry about my 4 year old sneaking off because he's adventurous and no sense of danger, I'd hate anyone to think I was a bad mum if he did, I'm 100% devoted to my kids.

Not checking a four year old for one hour is now considered bad parenting confused when they're in the same house as you. Ok then

Well, yes

Who goes a whole hour without at least shouting to a quiet four year old to check they’re ok?!

Don't get me wrong, if the mum wasn't concerned and laughed it off I would be bothered. But it sounds like she was mortified and cooperated with SS who deemed it one of those things that happens with some kids.

Loads of people I expect @Umbongo. It often takes me longer than an hour to prep a roast dinner or lasagne or something, if the child is in the living room watching TV or upstairs drawing then no I wouldn't call to check they were ok. Four year olds aren't toddlers.

I’m not particularly maternal but I find that really weird.

Not checking a four year old for one hour is now considered bad parenting when they're in the same house as you. Ok then

It is, yes.

A four-year-old is a small child who can get in trouble extremely easily, and you should check on them now and then.

Surely anyone would notice that a four-year-old child hasn't made any noises and is nowhere to be seen IN ONE HOUR? That's a lot of time.

I would be concerned about your friend not realising her four year old was missing for an hour, that's not good parenting. I have 2 DDs (now 9 and 6) and I wouldn't have even thought of leaving them on their own for that long when they were that age without checking what they were up to. It's pretty negligent in my book.

I would be like you, unsure about trusting your friend. But she's likely to be extra careful as a result of what she's been through so very unlikely not to be carefully supervising at this party.

At any rate, as she's a friend, you should feel able to talk to her about this openly. It's perfectly reasonable for you to be concerned about your child's safety, after all.

What's the cut off then if one hour is considered too long? What's the cut off on timescales for not knowing exactly where they are at all times? Even when they're in the same house as you? (Obviously disregarding now what happened to this woman).

My kids have never been of the 'not making any noise' persuasion especially at 4 but like I said, colouring in their room? I don't expect a great deal of noise and if they got up to mischief then it'd be dealt with.

Yes. Not checking your kids for an hour is shit parenting. If you did this, and your kid got run over, I don't know how you'd live with yourself.

ButterflySugarBaby 😁

Reading all my posts on this thread, I can't be serious?

Ok. Then. Love. 🙄🤔

Don't get me wrong, if the mum wasn't concerned and laughed it off I would be bothered

But the mums reaction doesn't change what actually happened . You say you think it's fine to leave a 4 year old to their own devices for an hour, no popping into the other room or calling out to them, you'd only react depending on the mums response when something goes wrong as a result of not checking?

Meh. I did this as a child. Decided to get up and take the dog for a walk when I was about 3. A neighbour brought me back. It happens.

Send them or don't - I doubt that she cares much either way.

I've always kept the front door locked, so there was never a risk of something like this happening. Surely it's a case of better safe than sorry?

I'm saying I'd judge the mum's parenting if they weren't arsed their kid got out. Presumably she'll now lock her front door? I can't go back in time and neither can she? I mean I don't know why you wouldn't have doors and windows locked anyway.

My kid isn't going to get run over in their own house in the room next door or possibly their bedroom.

I lost my 5 year old. As a family we were frantic! We searched the house then organised a search party of the local area. All the neighbours came out to help us look for her. We live in a mountainous area of Wales. I was absolutely beside myself. Something told me to go.home in case anyone came with news. So I made my way home.

I had another search of the house to find my 5 year old fast asleep in the drawer underneath her brothers bed... I didn't know whether to kiss or kill her!

Kids are meant to try us! 😁

My parents lost me when I was 3 told them I was going shopping. They thought I was playing. We had a huge Victorian house at the time and were getting works done on it- they plumber found me on his way to work walking down the road!

They never lost me again (or realised I had left the house that time until the plumber brought me home). Thankfully it was 1985 I don't think as many cars around then!

Personally I would not leave my child there ,stay and help insist be
firm ,make something up about him having a odd turn anything .
but follow your gut if you are not 100 per cent comfy leaving him there
dont ,its just one day but he's your child and you parent him in your way.
I don't know anyone who's 4 year old has been missing , its not normal
your gut is right trust it !

I knew a little boy who used to go out in his jamas and wellies ( unlocking the door stood on chair to do so). He would walk to the corner shop and the man would say hi and give him sweets or a drink.
He was 4. It was a round trip of a mile. He did it at 6am.
When his parents found out they were absolutely flabbergasted.
The man in the shop thought the parents had sent him. That's what he told him! LOL

Are you kidding me?
His parents were “flabbergasted”. His parents were shit parents, and that’s the truth.

I think you know your kids.

My eldest is very sensible and I'd happily have left him unattended aged 4 (although house lay out would have made an escape difficult). My middle child couldn't be trusted long enough for me to go and take a shit so she was watched a lot more than DC1.

An hour is a long time to have not checked on even the most sensible of 4yo though!!