Friend lost her 4 year old for an hour and didn't notice. AIBU to not leave DS with her for birthday party?

[PenelopeA]

This might be seen as extremely bitchy but honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted! She has a daughter who is 4. Was at home "doing bits and bobs" (her words) and thought daughter was in living room on tablet. An hour later police knock on the door saying they had found her daughter wandering around corner shop trying to take sweets for half an hour alone. I don't know the ins and outs of everything as she only told me the story. Apparently she had a big meeting with social services and they said they don't believe she's at risk at all.

DS is due to go there for a birthday party (he's 7 and it's for her eldest son). I'm a bit uncomfortable about it now tbh and don't really want to let him go!!! AIBU? I can't imagine not noticing my 4 year old leaving the house and not being there for an hour.

do you often leave your 4 year olds on their own for an hour at a time

My 4yo often plays upstairs in his room and if I'm busy with one or more of his siblings, cooking, cleaning, on the phone, etc then I can sometimes go a while without checking on him. Most of the time I can hear him and I'll call up periodically to see if he's okay but sometimes I'll realise he's gone quiet and it's been a while since I check so I'll go have a look.

He also plays out in the street with his siblings and the neighbour kids.

I'd give the poor woman a break. I nearly had a heart attack at the weekend when I realised my 4yo had gone missing from the garden. He'd actually gone through the hedge to play with the boy next door without telling me. She's probably feeling terrible about the whole incident.

I'm really shocked at all the posters defending it also.

I work for the police and you'd honestly be surprised at how often we get calls about people having found a very young child (4 and under usually) wondering the streets in their pjs. I'm always  at how people don't notice their child is missing.

I think you're being a bit extra.

Child quietly slipped out when mum believed she was occupied... safely in her own home. Yeah it's scary, yeah thank god all was fine

But I think it could happen to most people, it's not like she said "pop along to do a bit of shoplifting for mummy" is it? I expect she now locks her door...

And your child is 7. Attending a party.

I don't think she's likely to be so busy she doesn't check on a 7 year old boys birthday party

Happened to me too. I think your 7 year old will be fine unless he has form for being a runner?

I heard a story from a friend - happened in Chester about 20 years ago. A parent left their baby in a pram outside a shop. When they came out, the baby, wrapped in blankets, was on the pavement and someone had nicked the pram.

Just as well no one stepped on the baby.

I assume as your son is 7 you can just tell him not to leave the house?

I disagree that leaving a 4 year old for an hour is somehow wrong.
Children start school at 4. The year they are 5, thus they start aged 4.
I could leave mine happily playing, pre school. For an hour. As I pottered around.

Some children need more supervision than others depending on their personality and needs.

But if you never leave yours unsupervised, then you probably aren't preparing them for school properly.

If you don't want to let him go, don't let him go. If I didn't think my child would be safe somewhere, I wouldn't be umming and ahhing about it, there would be no question at all. I can't imagine not noticing mine were gone for an hour mind. But if I was busy doing housework or something and had left them to entertain themselves for a bit I can well imagine that they could disappear.

@Dontfeellikeaskeleton that's proper funny! 😁 sorry!

She didn't lose her child like she'd lose a set of keys, her child escaped. It may not have been the best moment of her parenting career, but I wouldn't worry unless you think she hasn't learnt from it.

Depends
If she’s usually diligent and this was an aberration then I’d let 7yo attend
If however there’s overall poor parenting and a lack of regard no I’d not send my child

As I mentioned before, I had two children who wouldn’t leave my side... then number 3 came along and we didn’t just have to lock the door we had to hide the keys... , I often leave my children playing upstairs and it sometimes takes me a while to check on them.
I bet any judgement thrown at this lady is nothing compared to how she feels about herself!

I found a girl from my road (3yo at time) walking down the main road out road is off of at 7am in best, pants and wellies and walking her dog!

I had to call police as I didn't know exactly where she lived and walking up and down road didn't solve problem.

She'd gotten up quietly and just made the decision having always woken her parents before that day.

Turns out family are lovely, totally sane and good parents and ds has since become friend with older boy. Obviously they put in safeguards after that happened.

It's not shit parenting to not have a crystal ball and predict your child will do something out of character.

YANBU at all - I don't care if I'm being bitchy and judgmental. She didn't notice her 4 year old was missing until the police brought her home. That's disgusting, lazy parenting at best.

Yes, little ones are a flight risk. The difference between the vast majority of the stories on here and the story in the OP is that most people realised their children were actually missing! This mother didn't even know, she just happily left the child on the tablet and didn't even check on her.

OP, I wouldn't be leaving my child with her whatever the age. She doesn't care enough about her own children, what's she going to be like with someone else's?

Seriously, kids escape, they hurt themselves and they generally make parents look terrible most of the time. But they don't go unnoticed by their own parents for a full hour and have to be brought back by the police. That's more than just taking your eyes off them for a few minutes.

I wouldn’t worry about leaving your 7yo unless he’s not at all sensible or is vulnerable in some way.
An nt 7 year old shouldn’t need constant monitoring at a party to make sure they don’t leave by themselves!

"Disgusting"?

Really? 🙄

"That's more than just taking your eyes off them for a few minutes."

Helicopter parenting isn't the only parenting style.

FFS

If you can't leave your child alone for more than a few minutes, (then apart from disability/sen of child) there is probably something wrong with YOU!

This thread is hilarious.

When posters ask AIBU to leave my child alone in the house for 10 mins whilst I pop to shop there is absolute conviction that the house will explode/you’ll die horribly in a freak tornado.

Any AIBU to leave my child in a hotel room with a listening service whilst I go to restaurant is met with cries of “But Madeline”

Yet here we have a really permissive attitude to not noticing a 4 year old was gone until the police brought her back. An HOUR later.

It’s a strange place, MN.

Clutching at straws a bit Oblomov.

This child was gone for an hour, and the Mother still hadn’t noticed she was missing until the police rang the doorbell.

Do you really that’s the sort of parenting style we should be aiming for, or that adequately prepares children for school? Really really really?

It’s OK to call shitty parenting what it is.

Well clearly the 4yr old needed more supervision but a 7yr old? Surely they should know themselves by that age not to wander off!

This happened to me many years ago. I was hoovering the stairs and my daughter aged about 4 was in the living room watching TV. Unbeknown to me she had opened the front door and wandered off down the street to the corner shop. Luckily the lady who works there recognised her and brought her back home.

I was wracked with guilt and the what might have happened but now my daughter is in her twenties with kids of her own so I obviously wasn't such a terrible parent.

SmileEachDay,yup I agree.folk post,can I leave toddler in car whilst I get quick shop +/-10min
Howls of derision,no there’ll be an alien abduction,foxes will climb in car,freak weather
Tonight, ok to leave child or so?Hell yes,otherwise you’re an overbearing tiger mom

SmileEachDay You're absolutely right. But that's MN. Whatever is posted there will always be posters who will be there contradicting or agreeing with the OP just for the hell of it. There's never a midway for some people.

If you don't think it's acceptable to allow your 4 year old to wander off for an hour then you're a helicopter parent apparently. Absolute nonsense.

Small children need supervision. If you live in a house with a door that you know your child can open you make damn sure that door is secured so the child can't open it and wander off. In the same way you make sure your child isn't able to access the cleaning fluids in your cupboard, or the medicines in your bathroom cabinet, at least hopefully people do - although, I'm sure there are MN posters who would make an argument as to why not allowing your small children to drink bleach is being ridiculously over protective.

If you're worried, why not just offer to help with the party?