Friend lost her 4 year old for an hour and didn't notice. AIBU to not leave DS with her for birthday party?

[PenelopeA]

This might be seen as extremely bitchy but honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted! She has a daughter who is 4. Was at home "doing bits and bobs" (her words) and thought daughter was in living room on tablet. An hour later police knock on the door saying they had found her daughter wandering around corner shop trying to take sweets for half an hour alone. I don't know the ins and outs of everything as she only told me the story. Apparently she had a big meeting with social services and they said they don't believe she's at risk at all.

DS is due to go there for a birthday party (he's 7 and it's for her eldest son). I'm a bit uncomfortable about it now tbh and don't really want to let him go!!! AIBU? I can't imagine not noticing my 4 year old leaving the house and not being there for an hour.

Yadnbu op, but munsnet sometimes doesn't do fair and right people justice. I'd be worried too.

Not knowing your child is gone for an hour seems different to losing them in the local shopping centre.

I'm not sure what to
Suggest to you though. Only you know how close to 8 your dc is, and how mature and reliable or not.

The op is saying she’s worried about leaving her 7yo though. If you can’t trust your 7 year old to stay at a party they’ve been dropped at then I think you need to look at your own parenting.

I don’t think she’s worried about the 7 year old wondering off. Probably just worried about how irresponsible the other parent sounds.

What harm is a 7yr old going to come to at a kids party? I doubt he’ll be chugging bleach or poking around in the plug sockets?

I agree with horizonglimmer; nice try though OP but many can see through this faux concern.

It's said that when you 'lose' your child you freeze. I wandered off. My two were on reins and, if I'd had access to Velcro suits and Velcro wall-pads, that's where they would have been 'stuck' so that I could get on with things when I needed to without having that sinking feeling.

It happens. I bet this woman felt horrible about it. I'm with her, I wouldn't want somebody smug like you anywhere near me or my children either. Hope your child has some other, more positive and less judgemental influences in his life.

I had a friend do something that I thought was worrying. My dd didn't go when invited to the zoo for a birthday as I didn't trust my friend to look after her. Your ds is 7, and hopefully sensible. At that age he probably knows not to wander off, but if you feel at all concerned that he won't be properly supervised then find yourself busy with something fun on that day.

When I was about 6 or 7, I found a toddler (aged about 18 months in hindsight) wandering on our road. I picked her up - she was chubby, gorgeous and heavy! - and carried her huffing and puffing back to our house.

I sat on my bedroom floor with her playing with my dolls tea set. She was very happy and pink and blonde. My mum came in to my room and FREAKED. "Where did she come from??" etc etc. I was surprised at the drama and said she was my new sister and that I was well chuffed.

My mother scooped her up and together we marched back along the road. I pointed to where I'd found her and there was a group of women chattering and laughing around a garden gate.

Mum casually asked if the toddler was one of theirs and a woman said 'ah yes. Thanks.'

I must have been 'missing' for a good hour - wandering about outside alone and with enough time to carry a heavy toddler back to my house and play tea sets...and the toddler must have been missing for a good hour too.

Thank god it all worked out and no children were harmed during the making of this incident.

I lost my son in the Natural History Museum. He was 5 and was going up and down in a lift.

Losing a child is hideous and frightening. It's not something you tell people either because they immediately think you're a terrible, irresponsible mother.

Give your friend a big hug, be happy that no harm has come to anyone. It might happen to you one day too.

I think I know this person! Recently had a premature baby? I wouldn't leave my kids with her...

That's nice of you! Did she have a preemie on purpose, do you think?

I lost my son when he was 18 months

We were at home and I'd gone to the loo. I couldn't force him to stay in the bathroom with me. On this occasion he'd succeeded at climbing over a baby gate (he'd never even attempted it before to my knowledge, but succeeded on his first try!), made his way down a flight of stairs to the front door, unlocked it (key was in the lock), walked down our street, crossed a road... all to get to our local playground, while I spent 10 mins in the loo thinking he was still in the living room watching Thomas & Friends!

I got back from the loo and saw he wasn't in the living room. Searched for him and found him nowhere. Then the frantic panic set in when I realised he wasn't in the house. Then I saw the front door open and ran outside barefoot screaming out his name in tears, utterly beside myself. It was the longest few seconds of my life. I've never felt fear quite like it.

Then I spotted him at the end of our street, in the distance, now attempting to scale the playground gate!

I spent the rest of the day in tears So angry with myself, feeling so unbelievably guilty and ashamed. From that day on all keys in outer doors were removed and placed out of reach after being locked.

But several years on, looking back, I realise sometimes these things happen. It doesn't mean it's bad parenting. It's IMPOSSIBLE to constantly have eyes on your child 24/7. And kids aren't daft, they know when to take their opportunities! (Like when mums constipation is causing her to spend longer than usual amounts of time on the bog!)

Your DS will be perfectly fine at the party.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

How strange... No, neither of us did.

Still doesn't change how much she was laughing about how she'd been in the garden for 20 minutes drinking in the middle of the day and forgot her kid wasn't at nursery!

My next door neighbour years ago shouted over the fence and asked if her 3 year old was in my house. He was sat on his own playing in my front room. The only reason she realised was because my 5 year old was playing on his own in her front room! They'd swapped houses!! 😂

We’ve all had the child that goes missing in a public place, happened to me when DD was about 3. That’s thinking the other parent has their eye on them, but to not check on a 4 yr old for an hour isn’t right esp if it’s quiet. Just call out if nothing else. I’d still send a 7 yr old to a party though as at that age they’re not as vulnerable and it’s a party with prob more than one adult supervising.

I let DS go to a friend's house ( had got to know the Mum in the playground, and had had small friend to ours once or twice) to play when he was about five. Went to collect him - only to find DS and his small friend playing cricket - after a fashion - on the grass verge outside the house, yards from a busy road and completely unsupervised. Mother thought I was mad and couldn't see that they might run after the ball, or worse might happen, as they had 'been out there for an hour and they were fine. No, YANBU!

I was in the kitchen cooking once and my husband came home and left the door ajar because he was unloading stuff from the car, My then two year old slipped out unnoticed and made it down to the bottom of the road before a neighbour spotted him and brought him back.

It wasn’t an hour before I noticed mind, but it was dark, winter and he only had his Pj’s and no shoes on. Thankfully he was safe but stuff happens. I’m not a negligent mother, you can’t watch your child 24/7 and it’s not that weird to assume your child is safe and sound in their own home if that’s where you left them and not wandering the street.

I found a small child before wandering the streets. The police quickly came and took her home. It does happen. Give your friend a break. She didn't intend for it to happen, it just happened. Kids being sneaky! I'm sure your 7 year old won't sneak out! He is old enough to know better and the mum has learnt her lesson.

I think your concern is justified. I am far from being a perfect parent, but I did ensure (among other safety issues) that none of my children could access the outside doors. It was easy to purchase covers to fit over the door handles and child proof locks for the windows. This was especially important to me, because as I had more children, I couldnt necessarily watch all three at the same time. I'm not judging the woman in question (or other posters) as every situation is different, but I have to say I would be concerned, especially with lots of kids at a party, it would be easy enough for one to wander off.

Yes YABU: you describe yourself as a friend, it’s a 7 year old at a party & as u can see, it happens. I too had a terrifying moment like this with DS “I wasn’t lost, I always knew where I was”, but as a parent that feeling is indescribable & doesn’t leave you. She considers you a friend as she confided in you. As others have said, stay and help at the party.

I don’t think your concern sounds genuine. More an attempt to be smug! I sometimes have to work from hone when my kids are home and they get to watch a movie in the other room. Our front door is stiff as hell and my 5 yo can’t open it. My 8 yo can though, but I trust him not to wander off. Your “friend” made an error. SS think there’s no risk. The 7 yo party will be supervised by adult(s) I would imagine. Unless you think she’s just gonna hand them a tablet and wander off into the garden with a bottle of gin and leave them to it. I’m sure you don’t actually think that, just as I’m sure you know the children will be fine at the party. You sound very judgemental and I’m glad you’re no friend of mine!

One of my dds at only 2 1/2 decided she wanted to go and see daddy - we were living on a big construction camp in the Middle East, where the offices were quite a long walk from the housing. The first I knew was when dh brought her back.

Of course I felt awful, having not missed her, but the thing that amazed me most was that she'd apparently gone straight to his office - had remembered where it was was in a positive maze of them.

These things can happen, no matter how careful you think you are..

YANBU. What bad parenting.

Imagine having the police show up at the door with your small child that you didn't know was missing?

I would have been mortified. Imagine if people find out? I would never show my face in public again.

Your son is probably safer there than many places - she's going to be really vigilant.

I think people are being unnecessarily hard on the OP, to be honest. Most of the examples people are giving of momentarily losing their children are much less extreme than not checking on your four-year-old for an hour!

YANBU. What bad parenting. Imagine having the police show up at the door with your small child that you didn't know was missing?I would have been mortified. Imagine if people find out? I would never show my face in public again

That would seriously be your first concern?! What people might think of you? That's what I call bad parenting!

Come on. Of course children can go off and disappear any minute, as soon as you turn your back, and you can't keep track of them absolutely all the time, of course not.

But we're talking about ONE HOUR. How on earth don't you notice that your four-year-old is gone in ONE HOUR?

That's a heck of a lot of time not to pay any attention to a small child, if you are alone with them.