Friend lost her 4 year old for an hour and didn't notice. AIBU to not leave DS with her for birthday party?

[PenelopeA]

This might be seen as extremely bitchy but honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted! She has a daughter who is 4. Was at home "doing bits and bobs" (her words) and thought daughter was in living room on tablet. An hour later police knock on the door saying they had found her daughter wandering around corner shop trying to take sweets for half an hour alone. I don't know the ins and outs of everything as she only told me the story. Apparently she had a big meeting with social services and they said they don't believe she's at risk at all.

DS is due to go there for a birthday party (he's 7 and it's for her eldest son). I'm a bit uncomfortable about it now tbh and don't really want to let him go!!! AIBU? I can't imagine not noticing my 4 year old leaving the house and not being there for an hour.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned for your son. Could you stay at the party I don't think I ever left my kids alone at a party or if I left I was only next door.

When I was a baby my mother apparently looked out of the window and saw me heading up the hill behind our house. I was pretty near the top apparently and close to being out of sight.

I don't think you should worry too much about a seven year old - can't see him wanting to leave a party to wander about outside. It's not that long since seven would have been considered old enough to be on their own outside anyway.

I could imagine how this happened and think you are being a bit judgemental and unfair really. My similar aged children will play happily or watch a film if I'm doing housework or need to make a phone call. I lock the front door but I'm not infallible and if I forgot and they chose to wander off I might not notice straight away!

Thankfully, it's never happened. I can't see why you think your child would be at risk?

I heard a story from a friend - happened in Chester about 20 years ago. A parent left their baby in a pram outside a shop. When they came out, the baby, wrapped in blankets, was on the pavement and someone had nicked the pram.

I left DD (small, nearly 3yo) playing in the hall while I got some stuff together upstairs. Came down to discover she had opened the front door latch (I hadn't thought she could even reach) and was now sitting on the front step. Steps with a 8' drop onto concrete each side, and leading to a main road.
It was a bit of a moment, but I can't imagine I'll still have the heebie-jeebies about leaving her in the hall when she's 7.

Oh thank fuck for the sensible posters.

I'm another one who had this happen. He was 3, he found the patio key, opened it, and my teen hadn't bolted the side gate... so he escaped. I was upstairs breastfeedi g an angry 10 month old who I was desperately trying to feed to sleep. I had to feed upstairs or he wouldn't feed, and certainly wouldn't nap with my 3 year old in the vicinity.
Half an hour later I emerged to find said 3 year old gone. As I ran around the house frantically searching, the house phone rang. I picked it up - it was the hospital. Police had picked him up, and taken him to A&E. Luckily (or unluckily!) One of the staff on duty recognised him as he had been in 2 weeks earlier having broken his leg at soft play. So that's how they knew to ring me.

I also had social services at my door 2 hours later. They were satisfied it was an accident, and that I had taken steps (ordered door sounders and chains, blocked off back gate access, remove keys from child sight) to stop it happening again.

I'm also a HCP.

It can happen to anyone.

Put your judgypants back down.

Go with him if you are worried!

I’m guessing this is the first time it’s happened? If so I’m sure it was a genuine mistake! She didn’t purposely lose her child.

I know several parents this has happened too, it does happen, you can’t be glued to your kids 24/7 and I’m sure you have left yours on their tablet whilst doing housework?

My autistic dd go out of the house one day, she ran off and across the main road in front of a lorry, I was so upset that I wanted to call SS and tell them what a shit mother I am but then several friends told me stories of their children wandering off and I realised it doesn’t happen.

I’m guessing the mother is being extra vigilant as it would have been a huge shock losing her daughter for a hour (even if she hadn’t noticed she had gone until the police returned her).

I think its the circumstances around it that are alarming. Yes there are times when you could loose your child or they could unexpectedly walk out the front door while your having a quick shower or bath, but honestly for her to think her child was down stars and an hour later a police man returns the child!! thats pretty poor tbh. Dont people check on their children? quick shower, putting make up on, digging the garden but not a bloody hour!
I understand your fears but i think my trust would be in my 7 year old! If you were that worried you could offer to stay and give her a hand.

When my sil was little, my mil walked nearly all the way home holding the wrong little girl’s hand! She put her hand down, a child took it and she set off. She was pushing a pram with a crying baby and a toddler, so a bit distracted!

Have you really got concerns about leaving your 7 year old or did you just want everyone to jump on what a bad parent your 'friend' is?

Another one it's happened to. I left my 4 year old playing Barbies in the front room while I went to make lunch. Less than 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door - neighbour and my DD. He'd found her playing on the swings in their garden.

At 7 he's highly unlikely to wander off on himself away from all his friends. You know him - if he's pretty sensible about staying put then I wouldn't worry. Her 4 year old probably wandered off because she was bored, but he wouldn't be bored at a birthday party!

None of us are perfect, but not realising a FOUR year old has left the house, for over an hour - is pissing awful IMO. Maybe a child 8 or older MAYBE, but four. FFS! No I wouldn't leave my child in her care. No way.

YANBU.

I am not saying she is a bad person or a bad parent, but what happened is quite shocking. Can't believe people are defending it tbh.

I think that's quite shocking actually. I have a very sensible 4 yo who sometimes plays in another room. I check on her regularly especially if she's far away in the house. Same with my 6yo. An hour is an extremely long time not to have checked imo. I'm sure she has learnt her lesson.

Having said that, I don't at all feel your ds is at risk! There will be plenty of people there.

I agree zero she wants everyone to judge this mother! Look she hasn’t been back yet

Really surprised at the answers tbh. I wouldn’t leave my child with her.

Ds1 and dd took my mom's dog for a walk when they were toddlers. They got to the end of the drive.
Ds2 managed to open to back gate and toddled down the road and sat on my friends drive. It happens kids are like Houdini.

We had an epic game of hide and seek once when ds1 hid in the shed. I very nearly called the police that time.

Happened to me. My then 3 year old was playing in the garden. A knock came at the front door. I went and there she was with the gardener from two doors down. She was wearing just her nappy and Wellington boots and went for a walk. A part of me died that day. The "what if" played on my mind for years.

i thought you were going to say your DS was 4! I wouldn't leave a 4 year old with her, but 7 is a totally different ball game. YABU.

“It can happen to anyone.“

Not in the circumstances laid out in the OP, no. Entirely avoidable through even the most casual of parental supervision.

My oldest was a terrible terrible person at that age tho, so I wasn’t ever lulled into a false sense of security as she’d be straight into my make-up or emptying out cereal packets if I left her for any time at all.

“I think you are being a bit ott and judgemental”

Bloody hell! I would be judgemental about a mother who hadn’t realised her 4 year old was missing for an hour until the police knock on the door
So flame me!

I thought I was going to be in a minority of one until the later posts on this thread.

I think your 7 year old will be fine.

but who doesn't notice for an HOUR that their four year old isn't in the house!

"None of us are perfect, but not realising a FOUR year old has left the house, for over an hour - is pissing awful IMO. Maybe a child 8 or older MAYBE, but four. FFS! No I wouldn't leave my child in her care. No way."

This

I think sometimes on here everyone falls over themselves to be the 'cool' parent. Of course it's shit to have failed to notice your 4 year old had left your house an hour before ffs.