Friend lost her 4 year old for an hour and didn't notice. AIBU to not leave DS with her for birthday party?

[PenelopeA]

This might be seen as extremely bitchy but honestly I'm a bit flabbergasted! She has a daughter who is 4. Was at home "doing bits and bobs" (her words) and thought daughter was in living room on tablet. An hour later police knock on the door saying they had found her daughter wandering around corner shop trying to take sweets for half an hour alone. I don't know the ins and outs of everything as she only told me the story. Apparently she had a big meeting with social services and they said they don't believe she's at risk at all.

DS is due to go there for a birthday party (he's 7 and it's for her eldest son). I'm a bit uncomfortable about it now tbh and don't really want to let him go!!! AIBU? I can't imagine not noticing my 4 year old leaving the house and not being there for an hour.

If you think this justifies not sending your 7yo to a party, don't send him. You can't ask us to advise, but I'm guessing you want us to say YANBU.

YABU at all

I think you are being a bit ott and judgemental. Poor woman was probably devastated when she realised. Everyone makes mistakes and shes not the first parent to leave, forget or lose a child.

^The woman didn’t even know her child was missing until the police knocked at the door!

Children get lost, they wander. It happens. I’ve lost both of mine and it’s a heart stopping moment.

However how can you not notice your 4 year old isn’t in the house for an hour? An hour is a long time. I can’t leave the room for five minutes without my 4 year old shouting me.

@Thismustbemydream

Oh thank fuck for the sensible posters.

I'm another one who had this happen. He was 3, he found the patio key, opened it, and my teen hadn't bolted the side gate... so he escaped. I was upstairs breastfeeding an angry 10 month old who I was desperately trying to feed to sleep. I had to feed upstairs or he wouldn't feed, and certainly wouldn't nap with my 3 year old in the vicinity.

Half an hour later I emerged to find said 3 year old gone. As I ran around the house frantically searching, the house phone rang. I picked it up - it was the hospital. Police had picked him up, and taken him to A&E. Luckily (or unluckily!) One of the staff on duty recognised him as he had been in 2 weeks earlier having broken his leg at soft play. So that's how they knew to ring me.

I also had social services at my door 2 hours later. They were satisfied it was an accident, and that I had taken steps (ordered door sounders and chains, blocked off back gate access, remove keys from child sight) to stop it happening again

I'm also a HCP. It can happen to anyone. Put your judgypants back down.

Errr no it DOESN'T happen to anyone and everyone. It happened to YOU and that's why you're so defensive!

And because you're a HCP - your opinions are views are more valid and 'correct' than others are they?

'Sensible' is looking after your INFANT child and taking care of them and their welfare. Not noticing they are gone and having to have the POLICE bring them back, is slack and careless parenting at best. Neglect at worst.

How long would it have been before the woman noticed the child missing? An additional hour? An additional 3 hours? The child could have been 200 miles away by then!

Unbelievable. I have no idea where you did your training for whatever your 'HCP job' is, but you need to book yourself onto a LOT more health and safety and child safety courses!!!

And as a few posters have said, damn RIGHT I am fucking judgemental. What happened is appalling!

When I was 3 years old I woke up on a Saturday morning, got my 2 year old brother dressed and told him I was taking him to my playgroup. It was a mile walk up the road and my parents were asleep. I have a vivid memory of my mother walking down the street towards me and asking where my brother was...I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn't know. They found him on the field at the school where they playgroup was, next to a pond. These things can happen. I'm sure the parent was mortified.

Oh do check your tone butterflysugarbaby.

There are multiple other posters on here saying it happened to them (including another HCP shockhorror).

In your haste to get your judgypants up as far as you can, you decided to re-write the part where I said it can happen to anyone.

You also decided I think my opinions are more valid based on what exactly.

I already pointed out I was looking after my infant child, I was breastfeeding and putting him down for a nap. My pre-schooler was settled on the sofa watching tv. Like many many many other parents would do.

I really hope you don't have to eat your own words one day .

A friend’s daughter, aged about three, woke up before everyone else and took herself off to the park ! This was the source of much worry for me when mine were tiny. Sometimes children do unpredictable things. Although I agree that not checking on a four year old for that length of time is unusual .

so those who are relating - do you often leave your 4 year olds on their own for an hour at a time and not even check on them?

Because I don’t see anyone fessing to the same sort of neglect the OP described.

@Thismustbemydream

Oh do check your tone butterflysugarbaby

Er, no I don't think I will be taking ANY orders or advice from the likes of you thanks!

I woke up one sat morning to noise outside. I looked out my window to see my 3 and 2 year old cycling their bikes/trikes up and down the path in their pyjamas. They had cleared 2 stairgates, opened a front window with an allen key and passed the bikes out the window. She was the brains and he was the brawn.

I'm in the minority here but I don't think YABU at all!!
Me too. No, I wouldn't be letting my 7 year old go to the party. I am in a similar situation where someone has invited my dd but tbh, she is very lacks with her parenting and wouldn't allow my dd to do half the things she gets up to.

Well OP if your 'friend' sees this thread you may well find yourself and your child uninvited and your alleged 'dilemma' will be solved.

Except I don't believe for one second that you are genuinely worried your child will be in any risk at the party. That was a flimsy excuse to have a bitch about your friend under the guise of being 'concerned' about your child.

Nothing to worry about. Poor Mum!

I think you are over reacting. Some kids wander. Most don't.
Mine sit and play and watched tv, for hours happily while I pottered around. Other kids you can't leave for a minute!!

This thread shows you that it happens. Other posters have proved it. Don't be so judgmental.

I admit to mislaying one of mine for several heart stopping minutes in M&S. It was the most terrifying few minutes of my life.

However, mislaying a 4 year old child for an hour when you're both in house seems a bit extreme. Would anyone leave a 4 year old alone for that amount of time without checking on them? Well, clearly some people would.

I remember arranging to meet a relation outside her child's nursery one day years ago. I turned up at the gate - gate was wide open - only to see a very small person walking down the street all by himself.

Fortunately he was fine about taking my hand and walking back with me to the nursery where I returned him to a, not particularly shocked, nor imo, sufficiently embarrassed member of the nursery staff.

Maybe it's not unusual in some people's worlds for small children to go walkabout.

Depending on the sensibleness of your 7 year old OP, I imagine he'll be okay. Although, I can understand your reluctance to leave your child in her care. And if you think he's at all likely to get up to mischief or be led to by others I'm not sure I'd be willing to leave him with her.

My parents lost me for a few hours when I was 6 and on holiday in America. I'm not traumatised or anything. This seems more like you want to stick the boot in and make your "friend" feel worse. Accidents do happen, whether you admit to ever making one or not.

This is why I always lock the door when I'm in the bath or doing things not in the same room as my kids. My OH is also meticulous about locking the door when he leaves us for work at 6am. It's just not worth the risk. I think her reaction would be how I would choose to progress.
If she was suitably mortified and put plans in place to ensure it would never happen again then that would be fine with me. If she just laughed it off then a definite deal breaker

A policewoman I used to know when ds was much younger was upstairs running a bath for her ds(2) who she left downstairs starkers playing. She went downstairs to get him and the front door was open with no sign of him.

She ran out the house around the corner and found him starkers in the play park with a rather worried looking male dog walker watching on to make sure he never wandered off on the phone to his wife because he didn't know what to do!!!

I don't know how a 4 year old could be unknowingly missing for a full hour, but your 7 year old should be sensible enough to know not to leave the house.

I was a teeny absconder. I walked two miles from our village into the next when I was three and got bored playing in the garden. The local police drove past me ambling along the street alone and asked me where I was going. “To see auntie Margo.”, was the reply...as my aunt lived there. They took me home where my mum had never noticed I had gone!
She wasn’t a negligent mother, she was wonderful, loving and attentive. She got caught up in the kitchen and lost track of time as well as me.
These things happen.
Leave your friend alone!

None of us are perfect, but not realising a FOUR year old has left the house, for over an hour - is pissing awful IMO. Maybe a child 8 or older MAYBE, but four. FFS! No I wouldn't leave my child in her care. No way

^Exactly, none of us are perfect. But we have minimum standards!

I would just stay at the party.

I lost DS1 when he was 3 at London zoo once. We were sitting near a bouncy castle and his cousins had just climbed onto it. DS trotted after them and I assumed he was on it with them. But he got lost on the 15 m walk and ended up in some butterfly tent. Apparently he accosted a keeper and said, 'Man! Man! take me to my cousin!' He came marching back to us, keeper in tow, completely unbothered. But we had noticed he'd gone when the cousins came back after 10 mins and we were panicking. An hour seems a bit laid back.

That is not something that will occur again!

Years ago my neighbours little boy got out around the back of the house while she was doing some housework, he was found around the corner in the playground of his sister's school, wearing only a vest! He was two.

She wasn't a neglectful mother, things happen.

Your daughter will be fine at the party. If anything the child's mother will be hyper vigilant from now on.

I'm surprised this has happened to so many people.

I knew a little boy who used to go out in his jamas and wellies ( unlocking the door stood on chair to do so). He would walk to the corner shop and the man would say hi and give him sweets or a drink.
He was 4. It was a round trip of a mile. He did it at 6am.
When his parents found out they were absolutely flabbergasted.
The man in the shop thought the parents had sent him. That's what he told him! LOL

Yanbu

An hour is slightly too long to not check on a 4yr old.

Different if they are having a nap in their bedroom but downstairs alone surely you would pop in to check what they are doing every so often.

Can understand about children escaping. My 3 yr old unbuckled his car seat, the back has childlocks which are always on so he climbed into the front and opened the front car door from inside and let himself out of my car at a petrol station.

Luckily I saw him just as he opened the door or he would have run off.

I think 7 is old enough to know not to leave a party alone but you just never know with kids.