I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

Okay, nevermind, I guess you do get it. I suggest poison? He sounds like an ass, so probably no matter how nicely you have that convo, he'll respond like an ass. Either an obvious ass or a covert ass. I'm guessing covert. So I'd be on the look-out for him to attempt to sabotage you in other ways.

You need your supervisor to understand what's happening, and to be on your side. Hope that is the case!

ohello "Yet another woman who can't tell when a man is being an arsebucket... cos it's all so normalized and the trauma-bonding took care of the rest."

@Ohello you really do need to read this particular thread and not be yet another woman who "only read the (your) comments on the first page"

Perhaps just highlight OPs posts and read those, if you haven't got time to read it all.

You go OP!

This is all about the future, not just this one little incident. Would you allow one of your team to get away with doing the same to you? The answer should clearly be no, so you do need to make it very clear to them face to face that when you say something you expect them to do it and not what they want to do.
You then need to ensure you confirm in writing that there will be weekly call-backs and they need to tell the client that. By putting it in writing you then have some written evidence for when it happens again and you need to start taking some formal action. It will happen again if you do not get a grip now. Frankly it is irrelevant whether they are male, female or something else, this is about running a team properly and ensuring who is boss.

Ask him why he made that promise. Could you tell him as he made the promise then he has to deliver the daily updates as you will only do a weekly update.
I would be factual and cool. Don’t use any emotive language

This ^

He made the promise, it's up to him to fulfil it. If the client gets in touch with you for the promised update, pass the e-mail to your officious colleague, and tell other members of the team to do the same.

He’s also been through my work checking for errors/ stuff not done, never found anything and then tried to make out he was going through it to ‘help because I know how much pressure you’re under’

Thank him for his concern and point out that you are well able to manage your own workload.

1 he’s trying to undermine you
2 he’s trying to windyou up (see above)

you go girl

with relation to your manager - he employed you to sort this shit and not run to daddy to sort the squabble. so dont run to daddy, sort the squabbles, that’s why he employed you. he’s got your back, he won’t if you keep running to him.

again, you’ve got this - OD is pushing the boundaries. put them in place and don’t budge.

you’ve got this, you are doing well, this is a minor test I promise!

When people say "difficult conversation" in a work context they actually mean "attempt to shit on from a great height". I bet you're trying this because you feel threatened by his superior knowledge of the job and don't want him to show you up as lacking

Are you OD Sutree?

Somebody undermined me, and I wish I'd dealt with it the way you are!

But I totally agree with those who say focus on the process, don't make it personal.

I would write an email to your manager and cc your HR Director in a firm and capable tone, saying you have been experiencing this problem (just top-line detail) and FYI these are the steps I’m going to take to solve it. Put in this email, if this approach doesn’t provide a solution then I’d like to meet and discuss what further solutions can be put in place as a wider group. Always do these things face to face, but write the points you want to make down and take them with you. Just be honest. Say, I don’t know if you realise that when you do X it causes Y problem. Don’t be angry, be firm. People do things like this because of an issue they have with themselves. It’s nothing to do with you so you can afford to be magnanimous in your position. It’s much more stylish anyway and he’ll probably find it belittling anyway so you kill 2 of his ‘birds’ with one stone there...

I think the "Stopping you right there" route is the way forward.

If he starts insinuating that what you've said/doing isn't right again pull him right up...

"Stopping you right there. We have a process that is working well. I'm happy with it. Management are happy with it. You just need to focus on what you're being asked to do and stop trying to go off on tangents. I also expect you to not to ask other team members to work in different ways either. I hope this is getting through to you, I feel like I'm having to keep repeating it to you.."

You've been almost too nice to him. You could be a little firmer perhaps??

I think your doing a fab job op, I love the training meeting definitely get back to us all and let us know how it went on.

Please keep us updated next week!

I was just wondering why he asked you to proof read his email in the first place. Proof read is more grammar and spelling. Sounds like his knew his email to client was not policy but he wanted you to see what he was doing or to wind you up!

Witchy
Yes, me too. It was a clear challenge. He doesn’t agree with the changes, sees it as an affront to him and trying to reassert his authority.

@Mummyoflittledragon
Your don't know this for sure though.

I’ve had a similar problem in a previous job and I went about it the wrong way - I didn’t front the person and told my manager who was then disappointed in me for not sorting it out myself, offered no help and told me to go away and sort it, while she wondered if she made the right choice appointing me manager of my team.

So I think I would front him tell him all the stuff he is good at and needed for in your team then I would say you read the email and ask him if he made a mistake in saying daily updates when you said weekly. See what he says and then if it’s feasible can he be responsible for correcting it. I think i would keep a record of your conversation and outcome so that future disciplinarians are easier with this evidence.
Hope this helps. Good luck.

You’re doing all the right things OP. X

Your training strategy sounds a great next step OP and you are doing brilliantly. Keep that indignation fuelling your actions in a professional manner, just as you are at the moment.

However, be aware that from the sounds of it, this may not be the end of the matter. Keep your manager in the loop but ultimately, if OD continues to undermine you and bully your staff into doing stuff they shouldn't be doing in spite of clear instructions then it is your manager's responsibility to sort it. He cannot pass the buck to you because he is this guy's line manager not you.

Rather than a "running to the daddy because I can't handle the confrontation needed" strategy, passing it on to him would be a case of "I've clearly laid out how this business relationship should function - see my previous copy emails - and he is failing to comply. I am not his line manager and so I need you to take action, as this is not just impacting on my time (and therefore profitability) but on my team's."

Also, OD's actions in respect of approaching the least confident member of your team in contravention of the agreed process is close to bullying and cannot be ignored by senior management.

You have handled this brilliantly OP. You sound very much like my manager; quietly capable and always has my back. If I'm ever at a loose end, can I come and work for you?

@SchadenfreudePersonified, I wonder whether you’ve not read this very long thread or have just misunderstood, as your suggestion of asking him to do daily reports to client is just so completely wrong for so many reasons the OP has carefully explained.

Valasca - I know - I can only apologise;ogise.

When I opened the thread it said "one page", and I assumed not many responses, so I jumped in (had to take both feet out of my mouth to do it, obviously), only to find that somehow my number of responses/page quantity had been changed from about 40 to roughly a million.

I admit, when I read on and realised this, my mental reaction was "Oh, crap".

Yeah, every time you write an email to him, stop and reread thinking "Too prolix" (like Pvt Wintergreen in Catch 22) and cut it down.

Remember, you don't need to explain to him or apologise. You are doing your job and require him to do his, no sugar-coating is necessary, he should be doing what he's paid to do.

Agree 99% with what KitKat1985 wrote:
I think OP you need to be clear with this cheeky dick that part of the reason were hired into your current role was to reduce inefficiency in the team as it was costing the company too much money, and therefore you are keen to work to streamline processes where possible and you would appreciate his full support with this
The only adjustment I would make is that the company would appreciate his full support with the streamlining process, rather than you (that's a given but he needs to have it made abundantly clear that it is a decision by the company to improve the processes and not one that you have made.

Best of luck next week!

Just discovered this thread, think OP is amazing!