I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

Because of this thread, my brain shouted ‘NOT TODAY, SATAN’ and I interrupted him with ‘just stopping you there, I’m fully aware how to do this thanks and don’t need a run down. You can let the client know it will be with them shortly’

😂 Can't remember where but I've seen someone in similar situation saying "I'll just stop you there..." and letting that stand. No further explanation about knowing the stuff already. People do this fucking explaining to put you down.

When I was younger I'd listen politely when someone would go into long lengthy explanations of the most banal stuff that everyone understands. Now I cut them off with "FFS, only morons would need that explained to them". It's fucking insulting.

Do make sure you keep the rest of that week day free, op, in case he suddenly gets dreadfully busy and can't make the meeting.....

... I feel like gathering my knitting and sitting at the guillotine...

Brilliantly played OP... Give this knob enough rope...

I've worked with several men like this over the years... Theu just can't stand that a woman is their boss and knows more and outperforms them... Idiots... At least 2 of them left under 'please leave or we'll sack you' clouds

This is my favourite thread ever. OP you are rocking it!!

I really hope the OP manages to channel the "drone of insufferable tedium" that all of my uni lecturers seemed to be experts at - 10 minutes of that and he'll be wondering if he can suffocate himself with his own tie!

I think I love you OP.

Watching this thread to 'see' the inevitable destruction of this odious misogynistic condescending arse.

Cheering you all the way

You rock

You said he’s a facilitator and so is he facing off to a business / client? This is important because if a business area needs daily reporting and you are a second line / support function then you have to tell them directly why you can’t do it.

And if they say tough you have to just get it done

Cherries the client has no requirement for daily reporting, OD promised it for no reason what so ever which is why I kicked off. If the client required it I’d set up a reporting dashboard they could check in on anyway, not send them a 20mb excel file which crashes computers every morning which is what he was after!

Would it be better when you are delivering the training to have some other members of staff present? Then you can make the reporting lines very clear. Also OD can't say that he wasn't given the right information/training.

As far as your boss gives you the position,make your own rules and don’t ask for help unless you really need.
You get paid to order the stuff.
Hopefully it will help if you get what I mean.

Well, it's like he feels more important than he is. You must nip this in the bud immediately. Don't even ask why what when. I would certainly not try to alienate him however, you don't need to be his next best friend. Looks like he isn't going to be supportive of anything you do. I would certainly meet with his senior and express your disappointment in his behaviour get some back up and support. Put it in writing so it's official. I suspect he feels he has been overlooked in terms of promotion and is trying to prove he is better than you. Never are you going to change that, but you do need to deal with it or he will always undermine you. Good luck and I wish you well, you should be enjoying your new role not having to prove yourself.

ps: meant to say in my reply, "what TF does facilitate mean in todays world, in mine putting a loo roll in the toilet makes me a facilitator of users being able to have a crap.

OP, this guy is not your friend. He's only there to nit pic and find ways to drag you down. I only ready your comments on the first page and could tell that.

Go to his supervise and explain that your colleague is making promises on behalf of other people that is detrimental to efficiency and therefor profit margins. Really not sure why anyone would be expected to tolerate that. His supervisor needs to deal with this and you need to shut him out of your work (and life) as much as possible.

Go back and read your comments on the first page. THIS GUY IS REPEATEDLY CAUSING YOU PROBLEMS. Yet another woman who can't tell when a man is being an arsebucket... cos it's all so normalized and the trauma-bonding took care of the rest.

If it is possible for you to get this away from you/your team and OD and on to "The Business" you might get a bit further.

Think about starting with the statement " I assume you (OD) understand that it is the primary role of every employee is to Keep The Business SAFE.

Wait a second then carry on, so as you understand that basic principal (ever so nicely ) OD

"Can you explain to me "In WHAT WAY the email you sent to a client committing THE BUSINESS to work you are AWARE puts The Business in a Vulnerable position/under undue pressure is the best way of Keeping the Business SAFE ???

If you make your conversation about "The Business" if moves you away from an out and out pi**ing contest.

He might have b*lls but if you are a woman you already have bigger ones (just in a different place) to get where you are - don't let the OD rob you of that fact.

Consider thinking of him as an ineffectual 5 yr old while you're having the conversation while you stay as a grown up.

Also consider think of the strongest person you know (Margaret Thatcher - love her or hate her I bet she'd deal with OD without breaking a sweat) and then act like them - sort of Fake It till you Make It kind of thing.

Good Luck and much success in you future.

I think OP you need to be clear with this cheeky dick that part of the reason were hired into your current role was to reduce inefficiency in the team as it was costing the company too much money, and therefore you are keen to work to streamline processes where possible and you would appreciate his full support with this.

IMO you have done exactly the right thing by arranging the training. Make him sign to confirm attendance and understanding and then when he inevitably crosses the line again, it becomes a disciplinary rather than capability issue (as well as the underlying indirect sex and age discrimination that is going on)

Oh my.. I absolutely LOVE this Thread.... it's great.. Good on ya OP

You've got this, OP.

OP did you have a problem with a shart goblin in your previous role?

Brilliant strategies, OP. I am beginning to wonder if senior management are actually aware of all this and hoping that you will annoy OD so much that he storms out without them having to sack him - or that he does something so tiresome that they can safely sack him.

A good friend of mine once advised me to start a conversation like that by saying that I was confused as to why they had done what they had done. This way he has to do the explaining and try to justify his actions.

OP, as someone probably old enough to be your mother, I have gone from wanting to put my arms around you and protect you, to being rather scared of you (in a good way).

You have come such a long way, in such a short time, thanks to the wonderful advice of those who know better than me and your own strength and determination. WELL DONE!

"this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis."

Sounds like he feels he has a management role. Does he?

Dianaz
Saying I’m confused can be used as a polite wtf. Eg “I’m confused as to why you did x” = “what the fuck did you do that for, are you mad?” Or “ you’re a dickhead / stupid”. Totally appropriate under this circumstance but not in all, you know that right?