I need to have a difficult conversation with a colleague today.

[TheWifeofRequirement]

I’m 6 months into a role where I’m an expert in charge of a team of slightly junior experts.

My colleague used to be a junior expert under another ‘head of’ who had the role before me, but before I was given the job my colleague took a sideways step into a facilitation role which, although requires him to have some knowledge of my area, no longer requires him to get involved in the day to day.

Anyway, since I started, this colleague has struggled to maintain distance from the specialism and is dictating to me how to do said specialism on a daily basis.

It all came to a head over the last 2 days. He asked me to proof read an email and give feedback before it went to a client. I read it, and asked him to make a minor change because he was promising something in the email I’m not prepared to deliver. It was a minor thing: basically he promised to report to them daily which would be untenable from a commercial perspective and would put pressure on my team for no additional benefit. I asked him to change this to weekly reports and adhoc check ins with the client, he argued back and I clarified that as it’s my team delivering this, it will be weekly not daily.

He sent the email promising daily reporting.

I feel patronised, undermined and really bloody cross.

His role is to facilitate, not to dictate to me how to do my job and I’m now going to have to phrase this in a way that’s diplomatic and I’m struggling.

WIBU to basically tell him to back the fuck off and let me do my job? If so, how on earth do I phrase this??

Op has been publicly praised for all she has achieved.

Him and his time wasting: detailing every action, back to the Client.

She's addressing that. And being praised for doing so.

And then this dick asks her, can I sell this for 50 pence. And she says no. The price is £1.
And he completely ignores her. And tells the client 50 pence. 😮
It's absolute defiance.

She just needed to deal with that issue.

And that was what I was shocked at.

But I guess it sounds like she is now addressing it, which is good.

Not sure Oblomov is on the same planet as the rest of us.

I think the manager basically has utmost faith and confidence in you OP and thinks you are well able to deal with this OD.

OP you’ve done the hard bits so well done. You might feel bruised but you need to fake it til you make it. Don’t hide away, be visible and a reminder to other such as him that this is your patch. He won’t be the last dickhead you have to deal with and I’m afraid you are right that you need to work on your resilience.

I agree you should be clear with your team about creep in requirements, that they should be pushing back and that you are to be made aware of any issues with facilitators. From how your work has been received you clearly have the mandate to keep things effective.

I get why it feels like a kick that your manager gave it back to you but from experience I think you did go in too early. Part of being more senior is that you have to unblock things yourself and only escalate when you really can’t. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make him aware that there have been issues so they are on his radar but make clear you’re owning them.

Do you have a mentor? If not I would think about looking to get one who you can talk this kind of stuff through with after the event.

I know it feels challenging now but believe me one day you’ll look back in what you’ve learnt from this. If nothing else it will be a good response on competency based questions!

Lonicera
No I'm not the other guys wife!! 😁

I'm actually agreeing with you.

"She also doesn't suffer fools gladly. As a manager she gets things done and is very much respected. She was a breath of fresh air when she joined our department."

This is what my Dh is like as a manager.

And what I was recommending OP did.

People have told me that my husband was the best manager they've ever had.

But he's no nonsense.

He wouldn't have accepted such defiance.

That was all I was saying to The OP.

I clearly misunderstood you.

No. I am Tenforward

Which bit of what I've said are you actually disputing?

She's always been addressing it, @Oblomov18. She's a young woman who was struggling with a very difficult man at work and wanted to talk things through, that's all.

Your ability to communicate is poor, Oblomov. You made it sound like the op was dealing "terribly" with things and needed to address the defiance, which she said all along she was going to. Then you do a 180. Strange.

I’ve had emails back and forward from OD all day, he’s been cordial and hasn’t sulked too much which I’m pleased about.

Hopefully this will be the end of it.

I do need a mentor, but I need someone good!

No actually that's not true. I'm not back tracking at all.

Or that wasn't how I read it. the first few posts talked about saying to him that they needed their roles redefined.

Which is true.

But before you deal with that, you deal with the initial/core problem of defiance.

And promising a client something you were told not to do. and can't meet.

Best I leave it. Sorry if I didn't express it well OP.

it isn’t because I’m good at my job it’s because an idiot could have seen where the problem was.

Fgs, stop putting yourself down.
The previous manager didn’t manage to see those obvious things and I’m pretty sure you would t say he is an idiot.
You’ve been praised by management because there is a very good reason. What you’ve done is AMAZING.

And yes CF probably doesn’t quite appreciate to see that
1- a woman, younger than him!, is doing so well
2- that what he is doing actually was the root of the problem.
Not your problem though.

Op on mentors you say you need someone who is “good”. What you need is someone who is good at the specific things you need to improve on. So maybe think about who you know in your organisation who you think would have been a pro at handling this situation. They don’t necessarily need to be extremely senior or someone who you’d want to replicate all over. You don’t have to have them as a mentor forever. Or if you don’t want that you can always ask someone to have a coffee with you so you can ask their advice. Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good.

he’s ‘noticed things’ that make him feel like things ‘might’ start to slide.

The cheeky fucker! He hasn't noticed things, he's gone snooping about looking for anything that might not be 100% perfect. And it's not his place to monitor your team's performance or go looking for problems in someone else's team.

I'd be watching him like a hawk and speaking to his manager about his meddling attitude.

Well done you. You handled that great. It probably is not over but have confidence in you and what you do.

I've come across similar OP. The only way is to show him who is the boss by not only thwarting his attempts to undermine you but to make sure you mark your territory firmly. Don't allow him to get into a single inch of your space. Stop it at the first attempt and give him free guidance from time to time which should keep him away from you.

OP I have enjoyed this thread as I am also fairly new in management and at times would like some direction, I am not in a place where there is a lot of direction so this taught me quite a few things too.

Hope you find he backs off now.

I’ve just discovered from talking to one of the managers I manage, that about 20 mins after our conversation he messaged him trying to dictate how he should do a particular task

My team member didn’t have the confidence to challenge him so has been working on this ridiculously convoluted way to do it all day

It’s a 45 min task ffs!!

He clearly hasn’t listened to a word I’ve said, but decided that because he can’t poke me anymore he’ll bypass me and poke my team instead.

I’m not having that. Firmly on the warpath. How bloody dare he.

There she blows!! Go girl!

Actually, this is good. He has blatantly ignored you and undermined you immediately, and gives you a really good opportunity to go in for the kill. Don't hold back.

It will be easier to fix now.

Get him in your sights op! It's even with your manager's blessing, which is gold

Firstly, amazingly well done for keeping a cool head and being brave even when you felt challenged.
Secondly, I’m a director-level woman in financial services/transformation, and if that is in any way related to your field, I would be happy to mentor you - if you would like to discuss, PM me and i’ll share more of my specific qualifications and experience to see if you feel like it would be a good fit.

He picked the least confrontational, ‘easiest’ member of the team like a pissing shit missile.

I’m furious. Absolutely apoplectic. So much so I’m going to have to wait until I’ve slept, eaten and had a shag before I tackle this one because without that, it’s likely I’ll scorch earth and there will be no coming back from it.

How dare he reassert his ego by bullying one of MY TEAM into wasting a whole day doing something completely irrational.

I didn’t let on to the team member that I’m angry, but I did tell him to come to me immediately in future if he’s briefed tasks that are bat shit.