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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH, SIL and the football match

174 replies

Namechanger20183110 · 31/10/2018 23:18

Sorry this is long

Without being too outing, today a big football match was taking place for a team that I support, that was being televised live. I used to be a season ticket holder but can’t find the time after having DD to go to matches. Therefore I like to watch their big games on tv if they are on.

I told DH several weeks ago that he would need to put DD in bed on this day (always me that does it) as I would like to watch the build up to the game for a change. As it happens I ended up putting her to bed as she fell asleep very quickly

When we got home from work/nursery, DH said he’d spoken to his sister earlier, and that he’d asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner this evening.

I reminded him that I’d be watching the match, in the main living room (that’s the only room Sky works in) and that I was not going to be hosting/cooking. He laughed it off and said that he would cook and then sit with SIL in another room to let me watch the match in peace, as he is not into football anyway and neither is she. Fine I thought, I do like SIL and we have a good relationship. We see each other twice weekly at least as she doesn’t live far, so I don’t feel like I have to necessarily have a ‘catch up’ with her everytime she visits, and so I know she wouldn’t have a problem with this either.

Anyway, I put DD to bed, the match starts. DH and SIL are in the kitchen talking and making dinner happily. I have told them I don’t want dinner as I had a late heavy lunch so i’ll just have something light at half time.

They finish making dinner and then eat in the room I am watching tv (where we have a dining table). No problem with this, we are chatting as they eat and I watch tv, I’m not ignoring them and I’m keeping an eye on the match too, so it’s all fine.

After dinner, rather than go to the other room as planned, SIL and DH sit on the next sofa to me, and SiL starts talking about deep issues going on in her life. She starts telling us about a close family friend who has been beaten up. I am talking to her about it and being involved in the conversation, when my team score a few minutes later. As I’m half watching the screen, my instant reaction is to cheer as my SIL is in the middle of talking about this serious situation . I instantly apologised, to which she laughed and said it’s fine, I put the volume up slightly to hear the commentary to the goal, then after 20 seconds when I had seen/heard it properly, turned it back down and carried on talking to SIL and DH about the friend.

Unbeknown to me, DH has text me when I did this with “you just came across as a bellend”. I didn’t see his text until 10 minutes later, and I didn’t reply, I carried on speaking to SIL while trying to watch the match at the same time.

50 mins later (so at half time), SIL gets up to leave. We say our goodbyes. I return to the tv, DH walks in with a look of thunder on his face and says “ignoring my text then?”

I replied that the text was sent almost an hour ago and that I didn’t think it would still be bothering him, and I defended myself by saying tht I apologised to SIL for interrupting her.

He then completely dismissed what I said and called me rude, how I should care more about speaking to my SIL rather than a football team and that he will disrupt my conversations all week for me to see how it feels Confused. He made it sound like I shut her down when all I did was cheer and turn the volume up for 20 seconds.

By this point, I admit I was pretty annoyed as he was blatantly exaggerating, and snapped back that I had explicitly told him I would be occupying the tv for this match today (I rarely watch tv in the evenings) and that he had no business to invite SIL over for dinner without asking me, and then expect me to watch my match while listening to SiL telling us her life stories.

He then flipped and left the room, and we’ve not spoken since.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 01/11/2018 23:30

I actively hate sports. I still think your Dah was rude to invite anyone over when you made it clear you wanted to set aside some time to watch the game. That he violated that and then didn’t at least host in another room was unfair.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/11/2018 23:53

Ibet that, if you think about it for even just a few minutes, you will be able to come up with quite a long list of other occasions when this prick has deliberately spoiled things that mattered to you. Because his behaviour was calculated and entirely deliberate - and he escalated it throughout the evening, because you weren't sufficiently annoyed or upset.First he invites SIL over, then pesters you to get involved in the cooking, then starts a conversation with SIL across you while you are watching the match, and when you are still not losing your temper, he sends you a shitty text, and when even that doesn't work, he has to pull the plug on your game and threaten to punish you for the rest of the week.

I think his behaviour is going to get worse in future. I think any plans you make will be sabotaged at the last possible moment. I think there might be a few 'accidents' which involve objects being damaged, but they will only be objects which belong to you.
You are being trained to selfless compliance and obedience, but the real 'prize' for him is your distress and anger.

Leannakate · 02/11/2018 04:35

HE is! What a twat! I'd have made them go and sit in the other room, or insisted they went out for dinner, but then I'm a grumpy cow. You were more than reasonable!

Miscible · 02/11/2018 11:34

Not sure what your last post is about. Immaturity? From the poster performing linguistic Gymnastics to call someone a twat?

The fact that you have difficulty following plain English does not make it linguistic gymnastics. If you need it spelt out, the "And you" response is a deeply immature one that demonstrates that you can't think up your own arguments. When, in addition, you adopt someone else's wording to criticise them for using that type of wording, it reduces the level of maturity yet further.

But I'm glad you now admit to what I pointed out in the first place, that you didn't bother to read all the OP's posts before jumping in to contradict and criticise her and other posters.

IStandWithPosie · 02/11/2018 12:26

😂 miscible you called me a twat and I called you on it. Now you’re trying to call me stupid because you’re stinging.

But I'm glad you now admit to what I pointed out in the first place,

Again, I had already pointed that out in my own post stating that I had now seen the dripfeed. But if you feel you need a pat on the back for good reading then you can have one. Well done, you can read.

borderline11 · 02/11/2018 14:01

Yanbu, your dh sounds a bit like mine actually, unreasonable, thoughtless and totally unprepared to admit when he’s in the wrong, and that ridiculous text he sent you wasnt even deserving of a reply. Your SIL was thoughtless too, theres a time and a place for heavy conversations.

I could write a book about the things me and my dh fall out over.

Forgotmycoat · 02/11/2018 14:10

Op can I ask why you didn't ask your oh to go sit in another room with his sister?

Mitzimaybe · 02/11/2018 14:34

DH agreed in advance that he would:

  1. Put DD to bed so OP could watch the build-up
  2. Be solely responsible for meal with SIL so OP could watch the game
  3. Take SIL into another room to chat after eating so OP could watch the game undisturbed

What actually happened:

  1. OP put DD to bed (not clear whether this was her preference or because he just failed to do it)
  2. DH demanded OP make some of the meal
  3. DH brought SIL into lounge and even to sit on sofa with OP while match was in progress
  4. DH then got arsey because OP was watching the game and reacting to it

What DH did wrong: - see "what actually happened" points 1-4.

What OP did wrong:

  1. Put DD to bed
  2. Make gravy
  3. Join in the chat instead of saying "DH, you said you were going in the other room..."

Nothing else.

He owes you a huge apology not the other way round.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/11/2018 14:47

He’s not happy you wanted to do something for yourself. He felt “left out” so invited SIL and then made a point of telling you to make the gravy - that’ll showed you where your place was.

Miscible · 02/11/2018 14:58

IStand, I didn't call you a twat and the rest of your first paragraph is equally fictional. I didn't ask for any pats on the back, I simply pointed out that it would have been a good idea to read the OP's posts before diving in and criticising, and that your "dripfeed" excuse didn't work when you hadn't bothered to do that. For some reason you seem to have got yourself into the most extraordinary lather about that. Do get over it.

Whereismumhiding2 · 03/11/2018 08:27

Great post @Mitzimaybe ! Succinctly put.

OP @Namechanger20183110. . By far majority of PPs are agreeing HWBVU. Hope it's settled now and that you got an apology from your twunk DH.

Ps. @Miscible and @IStandWithPosie - please pack it in. It's like listening to teenagers bicker! Hmm
(However. ... Grin..... Fwiw @Miscible made good original point, so step away now @IStandWithPosie and RTFT next bloody time! Wink )

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 03/11/2018 08:39

Yanbu as you had stated in advance you would be watching the football

IStandWithPosie · 03/11/2018 10:29

Ps. @Miscible and @IStandWithPosie - please pack it in. It's like listening to teenagers bicker! hmm

@Whereismumhiding2 My last post on this thread was at 12:26 yesterday. 22 hours ago! I had long since packed it in. Why are you trying to stir it up again? Hmm fwiw miscible is still confused. And lying. I can see there’s no point engaging with them so I stepped back. If they respond to this comment you have yourself to thank for that where

Glumglowworm · 03/11/2018 10:39

I think you both were

He should’ve taken SIL into the other room (and when he didn’t, you should’ve prompted him)

But it’s also rude to have half your attention on a serious conversation and half on a game on tv, to the extent that you describe. Cheering at her bad news was incredibly insensitive.

Whereismumhiding2 · 03/11/2018 11:58

@IStandWithPosie
I'm glad you have. It's just that the last pages of interesting thread were filled with arguements & being derailed. It's frustrating for those of us reading thread, when this happens, as it can scare off OP whom we do want to hear from.

But point taken. I hope it's not stirred up again. Grin Confused

I was just trying to lightheartedly focus it back in OP, so it wasn't all that was seen on thread.

Anyway, have a good weekend one and all.

TenForward82 · 03/11/2018 20:19

OP, hope you've gotten an apology from your DH...

Whereismumhiding2 · 03/11/2018 22:45

@TenForward82 good post

Glad it's gone back to OP. I hope OP updates us as so many of us are interested and do care X

WhyAmISoCold · 03/11/2018 23:05

YANBU and your DH is a massive wanker. It was all deliberate.

Namechanger20183110 · 03/11/2018 23:08

Hello all

Well after the incident happened on Wednesday we didn’t speak properly until today.

I ignored him on Thursday morning before work, and then while at work I sent him a very long and stern text along the lines of how I wouldn’t be apologising to him but I would apologise to SIL, how he had no right to invite anybody over for dinner and sabotage my plans, how he ruined my match for me and that when the Sky Box eventually switched back on my desire to watch the game had gone.

He replied to apologise and that he completely understands my views . However we then got home and he tried to act normal - didn’t think to apologise in person. So I refused to let him off easily and have been frosty with him for the last 2 days. We had been invited to my friend’s party last night - I told him I didn’t want him to go and I went by myself (and had a great night) . He stayed at home and looked after DD.

He sat me down today to apologise but we didn’t get to speak about it properly as I really wasn’t in the mood. Still plenty to talk about yet.

SIL text me back as soon as I text her and apologised for coming over, she said she’d never have come over had she known i wanted “me time” to watch the match. I told her how her brother reacted and she was not impressed. She is coming over tomorrow to see DD so I’m sure she will say something.

I know I should’ve told him once they’d sat down to take SIL into the other room, but felt like that would be petty? And even if I did, I know he’d probably have said “oh I feel like I watching it as well” even though he usually has no interest Hmm

OP posts:
LetsGoFlyAKiteee · 03/11/2018 23:11

Slightly off the point but if it was the Chelsea Derby game what you missed was completely bonkers.. If not ignore this.

Rainbunny · 03/11/2018 23:17

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow - I couldn't disagree with you more strongly. This was a long planned and anticipated event for the OP and her DH showed no respect or consideration for her just wanting to focus on watching the match. Frankly I thought her SIL was rather clueless and rude to assume that she could just start talking over the TV when the OP was clearly watching it. Why is okay for the DH and the SIL to be inconsiderate but not the OP, does the OP always have to be "available" for the whims and demands of others?

The only problem I see here is that the OP was too nice and accommodating which backfired on her by her DH and SIL feeling entitled to her attention over the activity she was engaged in. I would have been more direct that I was looking forward to the match and would only be focusing on that. As for "why couldn't you record the match and watch it later" so you are saying that an event the OP planned for and was looking forward to watching must always be less important than being available for others on demand. Again, why is the OP's desire to watch an anticipated match in her own home not worthy of honoring?

Whereismumhiding2 · 04/11/2018 00:11

@Namechanger20183110
Super update Flowers lovely that you returned to update all of us that do care X

..I'm so glad all the thread is back on track. And you've been able to listen to fab advice and see if any of it helped you. XXX

You gotta take it a step at a time and have others behind you , supporting your reasonable boundaries . Sounds a fab plan so far if it suits you x

SmileFlowersFlowers

TenForward82 · 04/11/2018 08:47

OP, did you explain to him that this feels like deliberate sabotage? Has he got form for this?

jacks11 · 04/11/2018 09:16

I think you were both in the wrong.

Your DH should have stuck to the plans, as agreed. He was unreasonable not to have done so. He was also unreasonable to be so rude in the way he addressed you- I understand why he was annoyed but the way he spoke/texted about it was rude.

On the other hand you were rather really rather rude to your SIL- who isn't actually at fault here as I doubt she knew about the plans made due to the all-important football match.

If you wanted uninterrupted viewing, you don't join in the conversation. I think you made it seem that you were happy enough for them to stay and chat- so they did. You could have said something after they finished their meal to remind DH to move it through.

I think cheering and turning sound up during the sort of conversation you were participating on was unkind and made it seem like you didn't care and the football was more important (which it may have been but it isn't particularly nice to make this clear to your SIL). I know you apologised but your actions made your feelings clear. In her shoes I'd probably have been a bit hurt that your football match was more important.

Yes, had your DH stuck to the agreed plan it wouldn't have happened but OP can't absolve herself of rude behaviour either.

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