DH, SIL and the football match

[Namechanger20183110]

Sorry this is long

Without being too outing, today a big football match was taking place for a team that I support, that was being televised live. I used to be a season ticket holder but can’t find the time after having DD to go to matches. Therefore I like to watch their big games on tv if they are on.

I told DH several weeks ago that he would need to put DD in bed on this day (always me that does it) as I would like to watch the build up to the game for a change. As it happens I ended up putting her to bed as she fell asleep very quickly

When we got home from work/nursery, DH said he’d spoken to his sister earlier, and that he’d asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner this evening.

I reminded him that I’d be watching the match, in the main living room (that’s the only room Sky works in) and that I was not going to be hosting/cooking. He laughed it off and said that he would cook and then sit with SIL in another room to let me watch the match in peace, as he is not into football anyway and neither is she. Fine I thought, I do like SIL and we have a good relationship. We see each other twice weekly at least as she doesn’t live far, so I don’t feel like I have to necessarily have a ‘catch up’ with her everytime she visits, and so I know she wouldn’t have a problem with this either.

Anyway, I put DD to bed, the match starts. DH and SIL are in the kitchen talking and making dinner happily. I have told them I don’t want dinner as I had a late heavy lunch so i’ll just have something light at half time.

They finish making dinner and then eat in the room I am watching tv (where we have a dining table). No problem with this, we are chatting as they eat and I watch tv, I’m not ignoring them and I’m keeping an eye on the match too, so it’s all fine.

After dinner, rather than go to the other room as planned, SIL and DH sit on the next sofa to me, and SiL starts talking about deep issues going on in her life. She starts telling us about a close family friend who has been beaten up. I am talking to her about it and being involved in the conversation, when my team score a few minutes later. As I’m half watching the screen, my instant reaction is to cheer as my SIL is in the middle of talking about this serious situation . I instantly apologised, to which she laughed and said it’s fine, I put the volume up slightly to hear the commentary to the goal, then after 20 seconds when I had seen/heard it properly, turned it back down and carried on talking to SIL and DH about the friend.

Unbeknown to me, DH has text me when I did this with “you just came across as a bellend”. I didn’t see his text until 10 minutes later, and I didn’t reply, I carried on speaking to SIL while trying to watch the match at the same time.

50 mins later (so at half time), SIL gets up to leave. We say our goodbyes. I return to the tv, DH walks in with a look of thunder on his face and says “ignoring my text then?”

I replied that the text was sent almost an hour ago and that I didn’t think it would still be bothering him, and I defended myself by saying tht I apologised to SIL for interrupting her.

He then completely dismissed what I said and called me rude, how I should care more about speaking to my SIL rather than a football team and that he will disrupt my conversations all week for me to see how it feels . He made it sound like I shut her down when all I did was cheer and turn the volume up for 20 seconds.

By this point, I admit I was pretty annoyed as he was blatantly exaggerating, and snapped back that I had explicitly told him I would be occupying the tv for this match today (I rarely watch tv in the evenings) and that he had no business to invite SIL over for dinner without asking me, and then expect me to watch my match while listening to SiL telling us her life stories.

He then flipped and left the room, and we’ve not spoken since.

Who is BU?

Surprised at the divide on this. You explicitly said you were busy, he should've kept out of your way as agreed.

SIL won't bat an eyelid, he's being a dick.

DH was a cf. You were rude.
He was cheeky because you had an agreement that they stayed in the other room.
However, when you started engaging in the conversation, you shifted the boundaries that you had set. You should either have shut the conversation down or given it your full attention. Cheering a goal in the middle of a conversation about someone being beaten is horrible.
Maybe your DH always pushes against any boundaries you try to put in place. If that's the case, you need to be firmer. No fudging by letting them stay in the room and having half a conversation. Just a bright 'hi SIL did DH tell you I won't be joining you tonight because I'm watching the match?' whilst steering them into the other room. You need to say what you want and enforce it.

To be fair, you were a complete bell end, cheering as if you had no self control when she was saying something sad. However dh was a complete bell end to invite SIL over on this special day, assuming you are portraying accurately how little you watch these days and how special the match was.

H was being unreasonable.

However in your position I would have shown them the door the moment they started chat over the match!

Your DH is at fault here. You made it explicitly clear that you wanted to watch the match and he reneged on agreeing to that. I do think you made it harder on yourself by chatting to them though – my OH is a massive football fan and would've politely asked me and whoever to leave the room. Not that I would've gone back on my deal to not disturb him in the first place!

@RhiWrites I find your posts very bizarre. The OP asked an opinion on a specific situation and I offered one. Now you have decided I am being ‘snarky’ about TV in general and implying that I feel that women should have no free time! Please don’t take what I wrote about a specific situation to be proof that there is anti TV,/anti women brigade on these boards!

Your DH is bang out of order.

As is my DP, when he conducts a 15 minute monologue during The Archers. The Archers is only on for 15 minutes, ffs, surely he can stfu for that short amount of time.

Yadnbu dh sounds selfish. Your dh should have respected you enough to give you that time to yourself to enjoy the match. Hardly a massive ask is it .

YANBU, personally I am not into sport but I would never interrupt my DH’s viewing as I know he loves sport, I just decamp to another room and if someone visited I would ‘entertain’ them in the kitchen.
Similarly my DH loathes the sort of tv I like, dramas etc but respects what I want to watch. Your DH should have kept to his side of the agreement.

Off topic but this is why I never understand how ‘open plan’ living is so popular?

Your DH was a total dick and utterly selfish to not only completely ignore your plans but then to behave the way he did when you did not fall into line with what he wanted.

Extremely childish and controlling - it is certainly he who should be doing the apologising.

Sounds quite rude to me, if that were my sister speaking about deep things and my partner did the same thing, even if not involved in the conversation, i’d be livid

Of course you can record it and watch later! Turn off your phone so no-one spoils it for you and you’re fine.

The nasty gobshite that did what the OP's DH did would have certainly made sure that she knew the score before she had a chance to watch the match, guaranteed. He deliberately set out to spoil something he'd known for weeks was important to her, or don't you get that?

These episodes of behaviour (not football specifically), but deliberately spoiling something important to me, were specific markers on my path to divorcing the shit I made the mistake of marrying.

DH was out of order. I guess he doent like football but that's not the point. He spoilt your plans when there was no need.

If it were my sister who I had invited over for dinner whilst my partner had made plans to watch a football match, I would be the one entertaining her and listening to her conversations away from my partner.

Why should the OP record the live match when her plans were clearly laid out long in advance and it was her husband who decided to invite his sister.

OP wasn't rude, her husband was.

Thanks for the diverse opinions, I am taking them on board. I will text SIL later to apologise if I came across as insensitive, but genuinely dont think she is annoyed as after the incident, we were speaking normally and when she left, we gave each other a cuddle like we always do.

I genuinely don’t think DH was on a mission to sabotage my plans, but I don’t think he quite understood how much I was looking forward to this evening, he just doesn’t “get it” as he doesn’t really follow a team.

A few other incidents of the evening that I didn’t put in the OP as I thought it was already too long was that in the pre match build up, after I’d been in the kitchen to say hi to SiL and advise I didn’t want dinner, DH called me back into the kitchen and asked me if I could make their gravy as “SIL likes your gravy” (she’s never tried my gravy I don’t think) - but anyway, I did, and then went back to sit down.

And then before he stormed out of the living room after our argument, he switched off the Sky box from the mains knowing that it would take about 10 mins to re-load .

All v unfortunate.

Your DH is in tne wring, after eating he should have said ‘we need to leave OP to the match’ and gone out.

Had you realised how the conversation would go you could have said ‘can I catch up with you later after the match’ or something , but hindsight is a marvellous thing.

DH probably didn’t realise the cjnversation would get deep and meaningful either, and it had seemed ok that ‘chatting’ could go on during the match.

I would talk to him about it being unfortunate the way it unfolded, but that in tne end you had booked a night in with the match and he had agreed to that.

As for his stupid childish passive aggressive threat to interrupt you all
Week, does he actually behave like that? If so that is a bigger problem.

In any case it’s him that could do with learning what it is to have your special interest activity disrupted, so you could make that threat mutual.

But none of that is a healthy way to behave.

Your dh is a dick.

X posted.

He sounds like a bullying controlling arse.

Based on your update he was definitely trying to sabotage your night. It's bloody obvious!! X

Bullying controlling arse, absolutely!

He did sabotage you, that was the whole point of inviting his sister for dinner.

He is a total dick.

He owes you a major apology.

I agree, it sounds like he was controlling you.

Why did you make the gravy? Why didn't you ask them to leave the room as promised? Do you feel awkward saying no to him?

I think there is obviously a deeper issue here. Is he often like this? Or is this a rare event?

If you were watching football 2 or 3 times a week, he'd have a right to be pissed off. I snapped at my partner the other day for having the football on full volume (he hadn't warned me there was going to be a game on or that he wanted to watch it) when my mother was around for dinner (we both hate watching football, find it incredibly dull and boring but tbh we don't really care for TV full stop). If it was arranged in advance then you were totally in the right. My DP watches his nfl games every Sunday evening under the condition he looks after DD simultaneously (It's on for several hours so it means I can take a bath and have peace and quiet to study in another room). I do kind of see the point about her having an unexpected crisis but they shouldn't have still been in the room after dinner in the first place. Your SIL probably totally understands as you apologised and your DP had no reason to expect you to be listening in on her problems as it's HIS sister. If my SIL kept distracting me while I was studying (the closest thing to a hobby I have atm) and he texted me accusing me of being rude I would have kicked off as soon as she was out the door.

Yep, another who thinks he is a bullying, controlling arse. He went out of his way to destroy your evening and your 'me' time. Come and make fucking gravy, FUCK OFF! And your SIL wasn't talking about deep issues in her own life, she was talking about a mate. Big difference. They should have left you alone. Please show your 'D' H this thread.

And then before he stormed out of the living room after our argument, he switched off the Sky box from the mains knowing that it would take about 10 mins to re-load confused.
Your DH was BU before, but this takes the . He is behaving like a child.