Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH, SIL and the football match

174 replies

Namechanger20183110 · 31/10/2018 23:18

Sorry this is long

Without being too outing, today a big football match was taking place for a team that I support, that was being televised live. I used to be a season ticket holder but can’t find the time after having DD to go to matches. Therefore I like to watch their big games on tv if they are on.

I told DH several weeks ago that he would need to put DD in bed on this day (always me that does it) as I would like to watch the build up to the game for a change. As it happens I ended up putting her to bed as she fell asleep very quickly

When we got home from work/nursery, DH said he’d spoken to his sister earlier, and that he’d asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner this evening.

I reminded him that I’d be watching the match, in the main living room (that’s the only room Sky works in) and that I was not going to be hosting/cooking. He laughed it off and said that he would cook and then sit with SIL in another room to let me watch the match in peace, as he is not into football anyway and neither is she. Fine I thought, I do like SIL and we have a good relationship. We see each other twice weekly at least as she doesn’t live far, so I don’t feel like I have to necessarily have a ‘catch up’ with her everytime she visits, and so I know she wouldn’t have a problem with this either.

Anyway, I put DD to bed, the match starts. DH and SIL are in the kitchen talking and making dinner happily. I have told them I don’t want dinner as I had a late heavy lunch so i’ll just have something light at half time.

They finish making dinner and then eat in the room I am watching tv (where we have a dining table). No problem with this, we are chatting as they eat and I watch tv, I’m not ignoring them and I’m keeping an eye on the match too, so it’s all fine.

After dinner, rather than go to the other room as planned, SIL and DH sit on the next sofa to me, and SiL starts talking about deep issues going on in her life. She starts telling us about a close family friend who has been beaten up. I am talking to her about it and being involved in the conversation, when my team score a few minutes later. As I’m half watching the screen, my instant reaction is to cheer as my SIL is in the middle of talking about this serious situation . I instantly apologised, to which she laughed and said it’s fine, I put the volume up slightly to hear the commentary to the goal, then after 20 seconds when I had seen/heard it properly, turned it back down and carried on talking to SIL and DH about the friend.

Unbeknown to me, DH has text me when I did this with “you just came across as a bellend”. I didn’t see his text until 10 minutes later, and I didn’t reply, I carried on speaking to SIL while trying to watch the match at the same time.

50 mins later (so at half time), SIL gets up to leave. We say our goodbyes. I return to the tv, DH walks in with a look of thunder on his face and says “ignoring my text then?”

I replied that the text was sent almost an hour ago and that I didn’t think it would still be bothering him, and I defended myself by saying tht I apologised to SIL for interrupting her.

He then completely dismissed what I said and called me rude, how I should care more about speaking to my SIL rather than a football team and that he will disrupt my conversations all week for me to see how it feels Confused. He made it sound like I shut her down when all I did was cheer and turn the volume up for 20 seconds.

By this point, I admit I was pretty annoyed as he was blatantly exaggerating, and snapped back that I had explicitly told him I would be occupying the tv for this match today (I rarely watch tv in the evenings) and that he had no business to invite SIL over for dinner without asking me, and then expect me to watch my match while listening to SiL telling us her life stories.

He then flipped and left the room, and we’ve not spoken since.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 01/11/2018 09:20

What a massive wanker!

The gravy thing and the sky box switch off is particularly pathetic beyond words.

I would not forget that behaviour for a very long time, utter twat.

HolyMountain · 01/11/2018 09:21

Do not show him this thread, it serves no purpose and is very bad advice.

IrmaFayLear · 01/11/2018 09:25

Usually I think people are often too quick on here to trash a dh, but in this case he was out of order.

Football is often a passion, and when people don't understand or wilfully sabotage your enjoyment it is more than frustrating.

I am a football fan (used to be a season ticket holder for a team) and once during a World Cup dh invited the pil over to watch an England game. Mil had no interest and kept trying to talk about something else. I was going, "Hmmm, yes, hmm..." and not engaging, and mil had a fit and demanded to go home as she thought that "Irma was going to sit with me and chat in another room".

I think that women liking football is a problem for some other women (and men). They think it is somehow false .

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/11/2018 09:25

I actually just feel really sad for you. What a nasty selfish man you have married. Full of spite and self importance and doesn't care about what you want.

sonandhelpneeded · 01/11/2018 09:26

@Namechanger20183110 if you were watching and supporting Chelsea the YABU! If not then YANBU!

Only kidding your OH was a knob!

Unihorn · 01/11/2018 09:31

I assume you're a Derby fan in which case he is definitely BU because it was gripping til the end!!

EK36 · 01/11/2018 09:32

I think tell him from now on his sister is absolutely welcome in your home any time except when the football's on. You don't ask for much and the football is important to you. He knew he was supposed to go in the other room!

WinnieFosterTether · 01/11/2018 09:32

You say he wasn't trying to deliberately sabotage your plans and then give the gravy example. Of course, that was about sabotaging your plans. I said in my earlier post that I wasn't sure if he was one of those people who constantly push against your boundaries. Your other examples prove that he is.
The question is, what do you want to do about it?
I'd suggest reading 'Boundaries' and telling him that you see what he is doing and you want him to respect your boundaries from now on. Every time he tries to push them back. Tell him you see what he's doing and reassert them. He's stamping all over your boundaries currently and then stropping when you try to enforce them.

LannieDuck · 01/11/2018 09:33

You'd 'booked' that evening in advance. He decided he wanted to do something different and tried to force you to join in. It's completely out of line.

I see the events that followed after that as being his fault too - you were trying to salvage what you could of your planned evening.

Why does he think he can overrule your plans? Did he forget about your football viewing when he invited DSis?

AdalindShade · 01/11/2018 09:33

YANBU at all! I'm a huge sports fan. There are some events I will actively plan my life around and I would be really unimpressed with anyone interrupting it. Your DH was out of line for

  • asking you to make gravy
  • sitting in the living room with his sister after saying he wouldn't
  • texting you when you were in the same room
  • threatening to interrupt your conversations
  • switching the sky box off.

In short, he's a massive dick who clearly doesn't respect that you have actual interests of your own. Cheering when your team scored was insensitive, but it is often instinctive. I also think your SIL was rude for not respecting that your match was on and thus it was not an appropriate time to start a deep and meaningful conversation!

MsJolly · 01/11/2018 09:38

Your DH is a twat and owes you the apology. He is also a controlling wanker and did all of this on purpose to fuck with your evening. Make the gravy my arse!

TheDodgyDunnyOfDoom · 01/11/2018 09:39

Christ OP I think you have a massive dick for a husband. He couldn't bear you having one bit of time to do what you wanted could he? He has used his own sister as a tool to get to you. Time to open your eyes to all the other times this sort of thing has gone on. What a twat !

badirene · 01/11/2018 09:40

So you saw your sil in law at the weekend, on Tuesday and then your DH invites her for dinner on Wednesday when you had plans for a bit of you time, he didn't put dd to bed as agreed and took over the one room in the house that you can do your activity in, then calls you a bellend for not totally allowing him to take over your evening. He does not sound like a very considerate partner at all.

What is his reaction like at other times when you are doing stuff that just you enjoy? Are you expected to be all about your DH and DD with no time for yourself? I could understand him being peeved if your SIL had travelled and you met up rarely but it sounds like you are always chatting and visiting, so really how much could she have to chat about on your third visit together in one week.

Miscible · 01/11/2018 09:41

You need to have a conversation with your brother about how he was being the bellend for spoiling an evening he well knew you were looking forward to. The difference is that he carried on being a bellend, and a childish one at that, for switching off the Sky receiver and saying he was going to start interrupting all your conversations. Is there anything that particularly interests him that you can use as a starting point to show how inconsiderate he was? No matter how much his sister wanted to unload, if she needed your input there is no reason why she couldn't have waited a couple of hours or an extra day.

klondike555 · 01/11/2018 09:41

YANBU

Your husband is a nasty, spiteful, controlling arse.

before he stormed out of the living room after our argument, he switched off the Sky box from the mains knowing that it would take about 10 mins to re-load
I have no words.

I told DH several weeks ago that he would need to put DD in bed on this day (always me that does it)
Why do you always do it? Is he too lazy and/or hands off to bother? I can't imagine having to tell my spouse weeks in advance that he'd need to do a normal, routine part of childrearing as they'd just automatically do it if I was busy.

eddielizzard · 01/11/2018 09:42

Shock WOW! He really tried to sabotage your evening didn't he? What's he like normally? Is this indicative of how he usually behaves?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 01/11/2018 09:52

Good grief he really is a petulant child isn't he? Little aggressive texts, deliberately trying to interrupt your evening, the childish threats, and finally switching the box off. Is this how he always acts?

llangennith · 01/11/2018 09:52

YANBU. I don't like watching football but I can totally understand that for those who do it's a big deal to watch the action live, as it happens.
Your DH was very selfish to invite his sister over when you'd specifically asked for exclusive TV time. He could've met her elsewhere.
Don't be defensive, shift the bad behaviour claim right back at him.

KeiTeNgeNge · 01/11/2018 09:53

what a bastard. Does he do this for other events important to you?

Jaxhog · 01/11/2018 09:55

No question - your DH is the CF here. Firstly, it was very disrespectful to invite ANYONE over, knowing you had a special footie night planned.

If your SiL wanted to talk to you about something important, then why didn't she ask you herself? If it was so important why didn't her brother i.e. your DH listen instead? He invited her! Unless it was an emergency situation that required the OP right there and then, then she was also pretty disrespectful to interrupt your footie watching.

It's all very well people saying that the OP should have been more sympathetic. But this was her special night which she had pre-warned her DH about. What was she supposed to do, lie on the floor while her DH and SiL walked all over her?

Windgate · 01/11/2018 09:59

HIs behaviour was deliberate and controlling.

diddl · 01/11/2018 10:00

"I genuinely don’t think DH was on a mission to sabotage my plans,"

And yet he did!

He could have gone to SIL's, gone in the other room with her, stayed at the table.

He sounds really pissed off that you didn't respond to his text-even though if it was as written it didn't need a response.

He really does seem to have been spoiling for an argument.

Also, why couldn't SIL have spoken just to her brother about the family friend?

Do you know them?

If you don't, I'm not sure why she would continue to tell you in depth about it when you have already shown that you weren't really listening.

SalemBlackCat4 · 01/11/2018 10:10

OP you said: "I genuinely don’t think DH was on a mission to sabotage my plans"

then said: "DH called me back into the kitchen and asked me if I could make their gravy as “SIL likes your gravy” (she’s never tried my gravy I don’t think)....

And then before he stormed out of the living room after our argument, he switched off the Sky box from the mains knowing that it would take about 10 mins to re-load"

Um, the evidence is very clear right then. He did it on purpose to sabotage your plans. Add in the sitting in the loungeroom with his sister and talking with her, then texting you during the game to distract you and wanting a response during it.....

It is so clearly obvious what he was doing, it sticks out like dogs balls! And yes, I stand by what I said, you really do need to show him this thread. Because he won't just believe you, he needs to see what others see.

7yo7yo · 01/11/2018 10:12

Well he’s a cunt then.
Question is op, what are you going to do?

Shoxfordian · 01/11/2018 10:12

Your husband was really out of order
Give him a red card!