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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH, SIL and the football match

174 replies

Namechanger20183110 · 31/10/2018 23:18

Sorry this is long

Without being too outing, today a big football match was taking place for a team that I support, that was being televised live. I used to be a season ticket holder but can’t find the time after having DD to go to matches. Therefore I like to watch their big games on tv if they are on.

I told DH several weeks ago that he would need to put DD in bed on this day (always me that does it) as I would like to watch the build up to the game for a change. As it happens I ended up putting her to bed as she fell asleep very quickly

When we got home from work/nursery, DH said he’d spoken to his sister earlier, and that he’d asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner this evening.

I reminded him that I’d be watching the match, in the main living room (that’s the only room Sky works in) and that I was not going to be hosting/cooking. He laughed it off and said that he would cook and then sit with SIL in another room to let me watch the match in peace, as he is not into football anyway and neither is she. Fine I thought, I do like SIL and we have a good relationship. We see each other twice weekly at least as she doesn’t live far, so I don’t feel like I have to necessarily have a ‘catch up’ with her everytime she visits, and so I know she wouldn’t have a problem with this either.

Anyway, I put DD to bed, the match starts. DH and SIL are in the kitchen talking and making dinner happily. I have told them I don’t want dinner as I had a late heavy lunch so i’ll just have something light at half time.

They finish making dinner and then eat in the room I am watching tv (where we have a dining table). No problem with this, we are chatting as they eat and I watch tv, I’m not ignoring them and I’m keeping an eye on the match too, so it’s all fine.

After dinner, rather than go to the other room as planned, SIL and DH sit on the next sofa to me, and SiL starts talking about deep issues going on in her life. She starts telling us about a close family friend who has been beaten up. I am talking to her about it and being involved in the conversation, when my team score a few minutes later. As I’m half watching the screen, my instant reaction is to cheer as my SIL is in the middle of talking about this serious situation . I instantly apologised, to which she laughed and said it’s fine, I put the volume up slightly to hear the commentary to the goal, then after 20 seconds when I had seen/heard it properly, turned it back down and carried on talking to SIL and DH about the friend.

Unbeknown to me, DH has text me when I did this with “you just came across as a bellend”. I didn’t see his text until 10 minutes later, and I didn’t reply, I carried on speaking to SIL while trying to watch the match at the same time.

50 mins later (so at half time), SIL gets up to leave. We say our goodbyes. I return to the tv, DH walks in with a look of thunder on his face and says “ignoring my text then?”

I replied that the text was sent almost an hour ago and that I didn’t think it would still be bothering him, and I defended myself by saying tht I apologised to SIL for interrupting her.

He then completely dismissed what I said and called me rude, how I should care more about speaking to my SIL rather than a football team and that he will disrupt my conversations all week for me to see how it feels Confused. He made it sound like I shut her down when all I did was cheer and turn the volume up for 20 seconds.

By this point, I admit I was pretty annoyed as he was blatantly exaggerating, and snapped back that I had explicitly told him I would be occupying the tv for this match today (I rarely watch tv in the evenings) and that he had no business to invite SIL over for dinner without asking me, and then expect me to watch my match while listening to SiL telling us her life stories.

He then flipped and left the room, and we’ve not spoken since.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
flintfoxy · 01/11/2018 10:13

I can't believe posters are saying yabu - your husband was especially petty to do that to the skybox and he owes you an apology op

Whereismumhiding2 · 01/11/2018 10:13

@AdalindShade puts it very well, as do other PP.

Your DH is a controlling, passive aggressive selfish twunt. How dare he turn the Sky Box off?! How dare he speak to you like that? He is the one BVVU and his sister too for talking when she knew you were watching the match. It could have waited. She has plenty of other opportunities to talk to you about those things, not during the one match you'd arranged to watch.

DH deserves to be on the sofa for a week or giving you a grovelling apology!

I also think you should book more time in for yourself so that he pulls his weight a bit more. PP's suggestion of going to the pub to watch match next time is genius. Selfish DH won't be able to sabotage your one evening next time as you'll be with "your people"!

HolyMountain · 01/11/2018 10:16

Do not show him the thread, will he really be bothered that Internet randoms know he’s a twat?

It won’t make your life easier.

He’ll sulk, strop and belittle you for telling an Internet forum full of strangers about his shitty behaviour.

Have a row and get your feelings about this out in the open.

Fuckertyfickfack · 01/11/2018 10:17

Your DH was being unreasonable about not doing as he had agreed and interrupting your evening.
But can I also point out that a) SIL was also rude to interrupt your evening as it was clear what you were trying to do. b) If you had done what he did to you everyone would be screaming about controlling behaviour. It's blatantly clear he wanted to sabotage your evening and pick a fight. He can't even put your child to bed? ridiculous!

SalemBlackCat4 · 01/11/2018 10:27

Many OPs have shown their other half threads before and the other half has seen the light, apologised and so on, so once again, I reiterate that you really should show him the thread.

IStandWithPosie · 01/11/2018 10:34

The nasty gobshite that did what the OP's DH did would have certainly made sure that she knew the score before she had a chance to watch the match, guaranteed. He deliberately set out to spoil something he'd known for weeks was important to her, or don't you get that?

No I don’t “get that”. No more than I get that OP deliberately cheered to piss off her SIL. I don’t think OPs behaviour was deliberate and I’m not sure her DHs was a deliberate sabotage either. They were both in the wrong. And no I don’t think he would have ruined the result for her if she had paused the game when they sat down to chat. I know there is a tendency on MN to assume all men are bastards and spend their days planning how to ruin their wive’s lives but I’m not buying it on this occasion. Sometimes two people can both be in the wrong without either actually meaning to be.

musketeersmama · 01/11/2018 10:36

I loathe football but I'd never do this to my DH who is a massive fan. How hurtful for you OP.
I second @Mrs.TerryPratchett - buy the season ticket.
And stop putting your DD to bed exclusively, your DH needs to share this responsibility both for his own and your DD's sake...it's special bonding time.

IStandWithPosie · 01/11/2018 10:38

And then of course I see the massive drip feed! 😂

PhilomenaButterfly · 01/11/2018 10:44

It's like I never get to watch Christmas Dr Who because that's when dinner's happening and I have DC talking to me. I'd have had trouble restraining myself from thumping him (not condoning this).

Miscible · 01/11/2018 10:48

IStand, how could turning off Sky when OP was in the middle of watching it be anything other than deliberate sabotage?

IStandWithPosie · 01/11/2018 10:57

See my last post.

HiHoToffee · 01/11/2018 11:01

What about not going into the other room after dinner as agreed, was that not deliberate you think?

EdisonLightBulb · 01/11/2018 11:04

I hate football, but I am with you OP. Your DH dismissed your request for a peaceful uninterrupted game then allowed his DSIS trivialities to trump your perfectly reasonable request the game.

Sexnotgender · 01/11/2018 11:06

Your ‘D’H is totally in the wrong.

You made plans.
He agreed to plans
He shits all over plans
Apparently you’re in the wrong

His logic is shit. He owes you an apology.

Whipsmart · 01/11/2018 11:11

Your DH is a twat. You booked your football night well in advance and all he has to do is put dd to bed and let you watch in peace. He does none of that!

It's nice that you're not angry at your SIL but she's a bit to blame too. When he called you to the kitchen to make the gravy she could have said "don't be silly, we can make it ourselves". And what kind of idiot starts having a deep and meaningful conversation with someone who's watching a football game?  Maybe subconsciously she wanted to support her brother in his obvious stance that you shouldn't really get a "night off"?

The whole thing sounds like a deliberate (and successful) attempt to stop you enjoying the match.

SimplyPut · 01/11/2018 11:14

Is he always so spiteful?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 01/11/2018 11:14

I genuinely don’t think DH was on a mission to sabotage my plans, but I don’t think he quite understood how much I was looking forward to this evening, he just doesn’t “get it” as he doesn’t really follow a team.

I really disagree with you here and I think you need to open your eyes to his controlling, passive aggressive behaviour. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like football or doesn't "support a team", you do and you had plans that he should respect. A good relationship understands that the other half likes or does things that the other doesn't, and helps and supports them in doing so as it's part of celebrating what makes them the wonderful unique person they are and that you love.

Instead, he didn't do anything he had agreed to and went out of his way to sabotage your evening and then acted like a spoilt, selfish child in a deeply controlling way when it came to a head.

SandAndSea · 01/11/2018 11:20

Your DH's clearly out of order here. He repeatedly ignored your agreements and expected you to go along with his wishes. He sounds disrespectful, controlling and manipulative to me.

I would still apologise to your sil, but make it clear that you had agreed things in advance with your dh and are sorry that she was caught in the cross-fire.

Next time, message your guest in advance to explain the situation. I think you need to make your wishes clearer.

strawberrisc · 01/11/2018 11:22

@IStandWithPosie

And then of course I see the massive drip feed! 😂

Oh here we go. Through in a 'stealth boast' and some 'gaslighting' and you can call house!

Alfie190 · 01/11/2018 11:29

You DP is a nasty, spiteful, controlling bastard. And he knew exactly what he was doing, spoiling your evening because you dared to put yourself first for once. He didn’t need to invite his sister around at all and then why did they have to join you. Only one reason, to put you in your place.

I don’t like football, but it is easy to see and understand that many people are passionate about it. My husband supports a team that are not on TV often and if they were and he made plans to watch and to give me notice, I cannot imagine a world in which I would set out to ruin his evening. They did not walk in and join you by accident.

puzzledlady · 01/11/2018 11:29

How immature does he sound!!!! Bloody awful.

Miscible · 01/11/2018 11:30

IStand, the "drip feed" excuse really doesn't work if the relevant information was post one and a half hours before your post. If you can't be bothered to read all of OP's posts, you take the risk of sounding like a twat, and you will sound even more of a twat if you try to blame her for that.

LightDrizzle · 01/11/2018 11:32

Next time, go to the pub to watch it and don’t put DC to bed first.
He was being a total twat.
It would have been better had you spoken up at the offer of dinner, telling SIL “I don’t know if DH told you but there’s a big match on tonight so I’m being antisocial and monopolising the TV! I hope you don’t mind, it was arranged before he asked you over.”
Your failure to say anything doesn’t make you unreasonable, but it might have nipped it in the bud.

IStandWithPosie · 01/11/2018 11:39

Oh here we go. Through in a 'stealth boast' and some 'gaslighting' and you can call house!

Oh yawn, it was a drip feed. Posted the next day.

IStand, the "drip feed" excuse really doesn't work if the relevant information was post one and a half hours before your post.

I had read as far as a post that had quoted me which I was responding to. That post was made before the OPs post with more information.

If you can't be bothered to read all of OP's posts, you take the risk of sounding like a twat,

I did read all her posts, that’s how I saw the dripfeed. Do you know you sound like a person who is a twat who thinks they’re smart when you write personal attacks in a way to avoid being deleted. Everyone sees right through that. Even HQ. Don’t worry though, I won’t report, I’m happy for your name calling to be seen by everyone.

and you will sound even more of a twat if you try to blame her for that.

Nope, not blaming OP for me not seeing her post. Nice try though.

BackInRed · 01/11/2018 11:46

Sounds like he purposely sabotaged your evening.