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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD go to school in socks tomorrow (she says she will freeze and be miserable)

251 replies

jackieChansBedPan · 31/10/2018 22:57

She’s not 5 years old-she’s 12
She and her siblings have a few chores they have to do- you’d think I force her up chimneys the way she moans.

Anyway

She has 5 school shirts, 7 pairs of tights etc

Almost every other night or actually in the morning she will come in moaning about where are my tights/PE shorts/school shirts

She’s been known to shove clean ironed stuff in her dirty clothes hamper to avoid putting it away-

Yet again she’s come bolting down the stairs at almost 11pm asking where her tights are and can I put a wash on with ONE pair of tights ????

I’ve refused and told her she can wear socks and she’s raging.

Her dad has said I’m being too hard on her- I asked him to wash her tights by hand (he’s gone strangely silent and appears to be nowhere near a sink and a bottle of Persil)

I’m not being reasonable am I?

If she’s cold it might be the bolt up her bum she needs to look after her stuff

I’m hormonal

Thank you.

OP posts:
Hadenoughofallthis · 02/11/2018 18:21

Anyone else wondering quite what the relevance of Batfaced's dd being at Cambridge is to the thread?

And am laughing at the idea of kids being unable to wear socks in November. Most of the boys at my school insist on wearing shorts the whole year round, even with snow on the ground. Long trousers are apparently for wimps. And you have to stand by the door and force them to go back for a jumper/coat in cold weather.

SpottingTheZebras · 02/11/2018 18:23

I’d have washed them for her but I would have checked long before now that she had clean anyway. Uniform is taken off, checked and hung up on arrival home from school, check for clean tights, bag repacked for next day. Maybe good habits haven’t been instilled in the first place.

And this is exactly why so many children grow up to be adults who cannot function in the real world.

OP, you did the right thing.

Purplejay · 02/11/2018 18:26

I would hand wash for her. Make her watch and say if it happens again she will have to do it.

Mishappening · 02/11/2018 18:29

I am very puzzled that she is unable to wash her own tights and put them on a radiator to dry for the morning. I can't see what the problem is. If she can't be bothered to do that, then she will have to wear whatever she has that is clean - if it is socks, then so be it. I can't see the need to involve OH at all - she is 12.

Rebecca36 · 02/11/2018 18:48

I can't believe this thread has made so many messages! Are we all brain dead?

However, the tights have presumably been washed and dried by now and plenty put by for Monday.

Where has young girl's self respect gone I wonder that some still want their mums to wash their personal bits? Maybe the OP's daughter is still a little girl, I have acquaintance who has a very little girl of 13 and that is fair enough - but a lot that age are coming up to puberty so need to learn to wash their smalls. That is something that has been passed down from mother to daughter for aeons.

However this thread is about one pair one tights that need washing - not a big deal and why was it not done by whomever without fuss?

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 02/11/2018 18:54

Anyone else wondering quite what the relevance of Batfaced's dd being at Cambridge is to the thread?

I suspect many of us who attended the ancient universities are well aware there are little shits present there, as everywhere!

PennyArcade · 02/11/2018 19:03

How do some people manage when they have a real problem?

Dilemma - 12 year old DD is throwing a strop because she has no clean tights to wear tomorrow and will "freeze" in socks. I can't be arsed to wash tights tonight.

Answer - Show DD where the sink is and where the washing powder is kept.

eddiemairswife · 02/11/2018 19:08

I'm assuming most people here have a washing machine; so why in some families is everyone expected to do their own washing?

toxic44 · 02/11/2018 19:11

You are not being harsh at all. She is old enough to wash her own clothes and certainly old enough to put clean things away. Time she learned to share the work; she doesn't live in a hotel.

YoThePussy · 02/11/2018 19:28

Back when I was at school (when dinosaurs roamed the earth/1970s) I had 2 shirts for the week, one was cotton and the other was nylon. I was so glad when my older sister left school and I could have her cotton shirts. Yes shock horror I wore hand me downs too! Beige knee socks were another feature of our uniform. My Mum told me when she was little they had clean knickers once a week.

Young gels don’t know they’re born these days.

Ifeelsuchafool · 02/11/2018 19:49

Ok, skim read most of this because I know you get shot on Mumsnet if you don't rtft Hmm but the question that sprang to my mind immediately on reading the OP is exactly the same as youngestisapsycho's Where are the other six pairs of tights? If she has no clean tights why would you be putting a wash on for one pair of tights? Put all seven in perhaps? Then bung a pair in the dryer for 10-15 minutes in the morning while she has breakfast? Not ideal I know, global warming/household budget and all that, but as a one off? Then tell her if it happens again she'll be in socks. I wouldn't put a kid of that age in socks, especially in this weather, without more warning; "this is the last time and I mean it" kind of thing. And yes, I am aware that the drama was a couple of nights ago and the school day in question was yesterday. Grin

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 02/11/2018 20:08

I thought your post was going to be about her having lost her school shoes and you sending her in shoe-less! Haha

Obi73 · 02/11/2018 20:12

I’ve got a DD 19 - don’t wash them!

Mishappening · 02/11/2018 20:27

Don't wash for her, check her uniform is ready for the next day, make her packed lunches - she is quite old enough to do all these things for herself. My DDs always did. It was simply no big deal.

CarolDanvers · 02/11/2018 20:47

Uniform is taken off, checked and hung up on arrival home from school, check for clean tights, bag repacked for next day. Maybe good habits haven’t been instilled in the first place.

For the second time, all of the above is done by dd herself. I just make sure there are clean tights (and undies) there for her to use. So she comes in, gets changed, hangs up or puts uniform in the laundry, washes out her packed lunch box, repacks her bag for the next day. Why is this so confusing? Why would I be talking about instilling good habits if I was doing all this myself? 

kateandme · 03/11/2018 02:06

if my mum or dad told me to wash my tights.i might have had the strop or no tights please wash them palava but if they then said "no kate go now and wash them" I would do as im told.even I was being a moaning twat about it id still do as I was told.it doesn't havr to be the option of shes not done it punish and let her do without.its telling her what to do. and for kids to do what parents then tell them.

Teacher22 · 03/11/2018 06:48

Your problem is two fold, firstly with a daughter who is challenging boundaries and secondly, but much more importantly, with a DP who is disobeying the parental law that one parent supports the reasonable decisions of the other without exception. Your DP is behaving like a kid himself if he chooses to back up an unreasonable child, especially when he sanctions her desire to infringe the school uniform rule and will not fulfil her naughty orders to wash her tights because she was too idle to put them through the laundry but expects you to do it.

Have two separate talks with both parties where you set out your expectations calmly and reasonably. You need to have back up sanctions for the DD and the DP if and when they fight back as they will. For the DD it could be removal of possessions and privileges.
For the it will be harder as male pride and male selfishness will make him dig in his heels. Let him know that you are in the right, that things cannot continue thus and that you will NEVER give way on something where you are in the right. Give him a fall back/ sulking period to allay his pride and keep on insisting that the laundry rules be followed. Keep it up until you win. Don ‘t talk to anyone or do anything for them until the situation is resolved.

Teacher22 · 03/11/2018 06:50

Sorry, ‘For the DP....’ etc. No proper edit button!

svalentine60 · 03/11/2018 07:52

During the time you spent to write this post about your 12 year old child you could have quickly washed a pair of tights by hand and they would have been dry by morning. She's the child and you're the parent and often kids don't work on logic or prepare ahead. YABU and i suggest you pick your battles because this one is petty.

Kokeshi123 · 03/11/2018 08:17

Yes, but if she had caved and washed the tights herself her daughter would have got the message that it is fine to leave this kind of thing to her mother.

Original poster
jackieChansBedPan · 03/11/2018 08:30

S valentine et al read the thread properly- it’s not a one off it’s repeat offending and then treating me like a skivvy.

And for those moaning about how ridiculous a topic this is to warrant to many pathetic answers-

You added to the thread Grin

Not all threads can be about East Timor’s political situation-

OP posts:
Studentwife · 03/11/2018 08:36

This thread has really made me giggle.

We have always had ‘rules’ in our house, with four kids and both of us working it needs to be like this. One particular rule in our house is that when you reach 14 (boys as well as girls) you have to do your own ironing.

One day my 14 year old son came out of the utility room and said ‘All my ironing’s done’ just as my mother in law walked in the house. She looked extremely puzzled and asked ‘What did he say?’ I repeated what DS had said. Her response way ‘But I still do SIL ironing and she’s 44!!!!!’
I just shook my head and replied ‘Well who’s the bloody idiot then?’🤣🤣🤣🤣 I don’t think she was too impressed!

Another time my then 8 year old DD left her swimming things at home and school called for me to drop them off. If happened 2 weeks in a row, the second time I dropped them off I told her if she forgot them again I wouldn’t take them into her. (They were right by the street door so no excuse at all). Anyway the following week came and she ‘forgot’ them again. She cried at the school gate and her teacher (who is a close friend) told me I was mean as she’d have to sanction her If I didn’t get them and then she’d feel mean (😱). Anyway to cut a long story short, I DID NOT go and collect the said swimming stuff and DD NEVER forgot her stuff again. Her teacher and I are still close and she went on to use my strategies for her own 3 children!!

Three of my 4 are now fully grown adults and can cook, clean, ironing and take care of them self so I know my teachings hit the mark.

OP you are definitely not being U. Too many children these days are not self sufficient. Independence is learnt through act of ‘kindness’ such as yours and mine.
You’re doing a great job, keep it up.

Angiemum24 · 03/11/2018 11:32

She’s old enough to wash and iron her own stuff.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 03/11/2018 11:43

Yeah much better to punish a child by making them cold.
If the op had bothered to have her child in bed at a reasonable hour then the issue of the tights would have come up earlier and the child could have washed them themselves. But it’s unreasonable to expect them to do that at 11 on a school night.
Obviously some people think 12 yr olds should be responsible for their own bedtime as well as their own washing...

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/11/2018 13:00

@BumsexAtTheBingo - did you miss the OP’s update where she said that her dd wore the socks and said she wasn’t cold and was going to wear socks the next day - hardly a punishment!

Plus the dd has two parents - why are you blaming only the OP for her dd’s bedtime and for not washing the tights? The OP and her dh were both privy to the discussion, and the OP told her dh that, if he really thought she was being cruel, he could hand wash the tights - and he didn’t think it was enough of an issue for him to get off his bum and do that. But hey - let’s just blame the mum - it can’t be anyone else’s fault. Hmm