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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make DD go to school in socks tomorrow (she says she will freeze and be miserable)

251 replies

jackieChansBedPan · 31/10/2018 22:57

She’s not 5 years old-she’s 12
She and her siblings have a few chores they have to do- you’d think I force her up chimneys the way she moans.

Anyway

She has 5 school shirts, 7 pairs of tights etc

Almost every other night or actually in the morning she will come in moaning about where are my tights/PE shorts/school shirts

She’s been known to shove clean ironed stuff in her dirty clothes hamper to avoid putting it away-

Yet again she’s come bolting down the stairs at almost 11pm asking where her tights are and can I put a wash on with ONE pair of tights ????

I’ve refused and told her she can wear socks and she’s raging.

Her dad has said I’m being too hard on her- I asked him to wash her tights by hand (he’s gone strangely silent and appears to be nowhere near a sink and a bottle of Persil)

I’m not being reasonable am I?

If she’s cold it might be the bolt up her bum she needs to look after her stuff

I’m hormonal

Thank you.

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesarebest · 01/11/2018 11:08

Jackiechan, you are doing the right thing.

When my DCs went to university they were all horrified to realise that they were living with people who had never shopped, cooked or done laundry for themselves. In my opinion it is more important that children are taught these life skills than passing gcse exams.

Jutz · 01/11/2018 11:11

My washing machine has a 15 minute wash for this sort of thing. You can only put about 1kg in but it will wash one or two items very quickly as needed. Tumble dryer would have got most of the wet out in 5-10 mins and hang overnight.

TheGoddessFrigg · 01/11/2018 11:16

She needs to learn. As a teenager, I used to wash the crotch area and feet of the tights in the hand basin. Then dry them off with the hairdryer. Grin

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 01/11/2018 11:35

Me too @TheGoddessFrigg! Sometimes frantically ten minutes before leaving! Grin I only asked once before getting my own system in place Wink

BatFacedOK · 01/11/2018 11:38

I don't make my nearly 12 year old DS do washing - although I know it's the fashion on Mumsnet to not do a single thing for your children once they turn about 7 

I'd have more than 7 pairs of tights if this was me. But that's not helpful to you I know. I'd have just said ' come on then, let's wash a pair and pop them on the radiator to dry for tomorrow' because I can't see myself getting worked up about this. Mind you, I'm organised when it comes to uniform and I always make sure every day is covered with a fresh set of everything. Not because I consider myself super mum but because it makes life easier

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/11/2018 11:56

"She’s been known to shove clean ironed stuff in her dirty clothes hamper to avoid putting it away"

Ds3 did that on a few occasions - we just refolded the clean, ironed stuff and gave it back to him!

I have to agree with the posters who say that it is not good parenting to do everything for your children - it fails to teach them the skills they need to be independent adults.

When ds3 started senior school, and needed school shirts rather than polo shirts, I did a bit of basic maths and realised that a clean shirt every day for him and his two brothers, plus a clean shirt every day for dh meant 20 shirts a week, needing ironing - and I decided it was the perfect time to teach them the life skill of ironing! I said they each had to iron their school shirts - so 5 shirts each, at the weekend.

They had a confab, and decided they'd prefer to have a three weekly rota, and iron 15 shirts - which seemed barking to me, but they were happy with the idea, so we ran with it.

Dh and I were happy to do the laundry (as long as dirty stuff was put in the basket), and the rest of the ironing was done by him or me, but we did make sure they knew how to iron trousers.

All three have more or less left home now - ds1 lives and works down in England, ds2 lives and works in the Borders, and ds3 is at university - and all three have no trouble keeping themselves clean, smart and well fed - frankly, if they couldn't do these things, I would consider I had failed them.

When my father started at teacher training college, one of the students in his Halls had been micromanaged by his mum, right up until he left home - she told him when to bathe, when to change his clothes, and did all his laundry for him. Pretty soon after he arrived at college, the other men noticed he was getting smelly - no-one had told him to change his underwear or his shirt, or to have a bath - so he hadn't!! They sat him down and explained what he needed to do, and why, and helped him draw up a timetable, so he knew what days he needed to do things.

I'm sure his mum thought she was doing the right thing by caring for him - I am sure she loved him - but she sent him out into the world unable to care for some of his most basic needs.

steppemum · 01/11/2018 11:59

Mind you, I'm organised when it comes to uniform and I always make sure every day is covered with a fresh set of everything

so at what age does your dd learn to become organised?

You really miss the point that all the time the organiser is YOU then the kids don't learn. To help them, you start by taking a step back from being the organiser.
Most people are not talking about the 12 year old doing her own washing. We are talking about her taking responsibility to put her dirty clothes in the basket, and also to put her clean clothes in her room, not dump them back into the washing basket, because she is too lazy to put them in the cupboard.

Making life easier is not the goal of parenting! If it was, I would do everything for them. But funnily enough, I think it is important that they are part of the process.

It isn't a weird mn idea. Go to any year 7 parents induction and the school will say - please, stop doing stuff for them, make them pack their bag and get their uniform out, make them THINK about what they need, books, pe kit etc, stop spoon feeding them. And if they forget their homework DON'T bring it up to school for them (unless exceptional circumstances).

It is amazing how all the mums who do everything think they are nice and loving to their kids and that those of us who don't are somehow cold and uncaring.

Love does not mean doing everything for them

If they are not involved in putting their dirty clothes in the wash (and I still can't get my head round why not, my kids have done this since they were tiny, it really is pretty basic) then what are they involved in? Do they tidy their own rooms? Change sheets on their bed? Lay/clear the table? wash up? Not necessarily all of those, but some, please tell me they do one or two.

BatFacedOK · 01/11/2018 12:04

Thanks for that @steppemum - I also have a 20 year old at uni so I've got the line organisation thing covered

I just don't subscribe to the MN view that they reach a certain age and then that's it - shouldn't even be washing tights for them

Ridiculous

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/11/2018 12:06

I agree completely, @steppemum. When ds 1 went up to senior school, he went through a phase of forgetting vital things, and ringing me up to get me to bring them to school for him, so he didnt' get into trouble.

On the third occasion, I met him at the School Office and handed over whatever it was he'd forgotten, and the Secretary came out and told me very firmly that I was not allowed to be on school premises during the day. She then packed ds1 off to his next class, and told me she was giving me an excuse for not doing this any more - she said she was sure I had better things to do than running around after a forgetful boy, and he needed to learn - and telling me off was just an act!!

I learned my lesson from this - and I really appreciated what she did.

Knittink · 01/11/2018 12:07

So, both your dd and dh think you're being unreasonable, but neither of them is willing to spend a few minutes handwashing the tights themselves? They can't think it's that important then, can they?

MsJac00 · 01/11/2018 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

steppemum · 01/11/2018 12:13

I just don't subscribe to the MN view that they reach a certain age and then that's it - shouldn't even be washing tights for them

but no-one has said that they reach a certain age an you stop doing everything for them, they have said that at 12 it IS time for her to learn a few very simple lessons

  1. she has to put her dirty tights in the wash
  2. she has to put her uniform out before 11 pm
  3. that her mum (or dad) is not about to wash tights at 11pm, and if she is that bothered to do it herself.

Of course you can step in and wash them
and then again next week
and the week after

It is NOT ridiculous. The idea of a 12 year old being incapable of wearing a pair of socks because she forgot her tights. Now THAT is ridiculous

Knittink · 01/11/2018 12:13

I just don't subscribe to the MN view that they reach a certain age and then that's it - shouldn't even be washing tights for them

No of course not. But the OP does do the washing, by the sound of it. All the dd has to do is put her dirty stuff in the basket. But she consistently can't be arsed to do so. It's her own fault she has no clean tights, but she still expects the OP to wash her a pair specially! Handwashing one pair of tights once isn't going to kill the dd!

Lethaldrizzle · 01/11/2018 12:17

I'd pretend to wash them for her. Just spray them with something and air them somewhere. Job's a goodn.

Sisgal · 01/11/2018 12:19

@batfacedok. Ah so your the kind that breeds little shits incapable of doing anything for themselves cos mummy does it all.

BatFacedOK · 01/11/2018 12:21

@Sisgal I've got a DD at Cambridge so not sure if she's a 'little shit.' I'll ask her later 

No, I just parent my children properly. You're free to parent as badly as you want of course.

Sisgal · 01/11/2018 12:26

Ooohh how very posh, youre proud of yourself eh hahaha aye you do that then

BatFacedOK · 01/11/2018 12:42

Oh dear. You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder. Sorry about that. Like I said, parent in your own way.

Lolololololol · 01/11/2018 12:49

How rude to assume because some people like to do things/mother their children that they are raising "little shits?" Why are people so judgemental on MN? 🤔

Almondio · 01/11/2018 12:50

You'll be doing her, and you, a favour by showing her the washing machine and leaving her laundry up to her from now on.

I got to the stage recently with a house full of teen/pre teen boys when I was so fed up of clearing/tidying/cleaning/washing up after them that I stepped back, told them what the expectations were and that I was no longer going to run around after them as much. They stepped up, help out, no more stress, arguments and way less work for me.

steppemum · 01/11/2018 12:50

No, I just parent my children properly.

no you don't

because that suggests that your way is the only one.

You parent differently.
Fine, we can agree to differ, but no, you don't have a monopoly on good parenting.

(and being at Cambridge may reflect on her brains, her general loveliness and brilliantness and so on, but doesn't tell us anything about her ability to look after herself, especially as students who live in at Cambridge get their food and cleaning done for them...)

steppemum · 01/11/2018 12:52

I am not in anyway endorsing the 'little shits' comment by the way, don't agree with that

shitholiday2018 · 01/11/2018 12:53

Yep, another one here saying she can hand wash her own at That age. A sloosh in some soapy water and done. Imagine it will only happen once, when she realises the maid service is a limited one.

BatFacedOK · 01/11/2018 13:10

@Lolololololol oh it doesn't bother me. Sisgal et al's comments don't have an impact on me because, well, I'm secure in how I choose to parent

Re the comment about her being at uni but that not saying how she copes with washing etc etc. Err fine? I've not asked her. I was doing all her clothes washing aged 11 and 12 though and I'm doing exactly the same for my son right now. Of COURSE he has to do bits and pieces in the home but meh - I'm cool about him not hand washing some tights right now 

CarolDanvers · 01/11/2018 18:22

sorry, but YOU are the one not instilling good habits.
At 12, every child should be taking some responsibility. OPs child has the responsibility of putting her dirty clothes in he hamper. Natural consequences of not doing your job = no clean clothes.

I think you have misunderstood. Dd does all this herself when she gets in from school. I check her drawer for tights every couple of days. That's the sum total of my input to her getting herself ready for school. She comes in empties her bag, either hangs up uniform or puts it the laundry basket, rinses put her packed lunch box and then checks her timetable and repacked her bag for the next day. I don't see it as a massive chore to check her drawer and make sure she has tights.