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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD go to school in socks tomorrow (she says she will freeze and be miserable)

251 replies

jackieChansBedPan · 31/10/2018 22:57

She’s not 5 years old-she’s 12
She and her siblings have a few chores they have to do- you’d think I force her up chimneys the way she moans.

Anyway

She has 5 school shirts, 7 pairs of tights etc

Almost every other night or actually in the morning she will come in moaning about where are my tights/PE shorts/school shirts

She’s been known to shove clean ironed stuff in her dirty clothes hamper to avoid putting it away-

Yet again she’s come bolting down the stairs at almost 11pm asking where her tights are and can I put a wash on with ONE pair of tights ????

I’ve refused and told her she can wear socks and she’s raging.

Her dad has said I’m being too hard on her- I asked him to wash her tights by hand (he’s gone strangely silent and appears to be nowhere near a sink and a bottle of Persil)

I’m not being reasonable am I?

If she’s cold it might be the bolt up her bum she needs to look after her stuff

I’m hormonal

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
jackieChansBedPan · 01/11/2018 07:50

CarolDanvers- your post comes across as so bitchy

Yes they do have to check actually- and part of their chores are to take out lunch boxes, through out food and clean their utensils-

I’m not going to micro manage DD is she tells me she’s checked and has things for the next day- I’m not going to double check

No more late night washing and panicking here again/

Although she’s distraught this morning and has I think put dirty socks on-it won’t kill her

I have other DC and they all cope Fine and organise accordingly

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 01/11/2018 07:53

At 12 she’s old enough to sort out her own uniform. I’ve not looked at my dc’s uniform since they started secondary school, sometimes if I’ve got half a load I’ll ask if they want to pop they’re clothes in to make up a full load.

Both dc wash their own uniforms on a Friday, sometimes frantic washing and drying occurs on a Sunday followed by ironing if they’ve ‘forgotten’. I don’t tend to pay attention.

I think I must be the minority on here tho. And regarded as a terrible mother.

diddl · 01/11/2018 07:55

"If your DH thinks you're being really harsh, how come it isn't harsh for him not to do it for her?"

I wondered that also.

I don't go out to work so most things fall to me.

However,I still don't wash what isn't in the wash box nor would I feel that I should do this for her either.

She could do it herself or her dad could if he felt that she "deserved" it iyswim.

Put a wash on for one pair of tights-I'd be disappointed at her for even thinking of it, let alone suggesting it!

steppemum · 01/11/2018 08:02

I’d have washed them for her but I would have checked long before now that she had clean anyway. Uniform is taken off, checked and hung up on arrival home from school, check for clean tights, bag repacked for next day. Maybe good habits haven’t been instilled in the first place.

sorry, but YOU are the one not instilling good habits.
At 12, every child should be taking some responsibility. OPs child has the responsibility of putting her dirty clothes in he hamper. Natural consequences of not doing your job = no clean clothes.

If you take their uniform off them, clean it and return it to the cupboards, you are NOT teaching them how to look after themselves of their clothes, or take responsibility for their actions.

If YOU need to check/double check that they have clean clothes for Monday, then why should they bother to check for themselves?

It is not being supermum to be super efficient so your child never goes without clean uniform. It is removing from your child the need to learn about looking after themselves.

And, guess what, most teens do not get this message until something goes wrong, and they end up in dirty tights for one day. Then, suddenly, Mum's nagging about making sure your dirties are in the wash on Friday night makes sense .

I'm afraid mums who do everything for their kids at this age are the parents of the teens who arrive at university and haven't got a clue how to do basic self care eg washing, cooking, cleaning etc

I say mums, not because it is their job, but because they are usually the ones who fall into this trap.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 01/11/2018 08:08

It would be completely unreasonable of you to make her go out in socks and bare legs in this weather. But you haven't. She had choices. She could've worn a dirty pair or given them a quick rinse through, with a quick go on the hair dryer or radiator this morning if still damp.

I'd have been having some choice words with DP too, if I were you. She's an adolescent. Being foot stampy and selfish is what they do. He on the other hand, has no such excuse. But still thought you were being mean not to stay up til midnight washing an item he could've done for his child, by hand, in five minutes. That's a dickish attitude.

Lolololololol · 01/11/2018 08:16

**He attempted to take the day off school Monday morning so she locked him out of the house in his dressing gown with his crumpled smelly uniform and his school bag

Oh my goodness, this sounds so harsh. I understand it's annoying when teenagers won't take responsibility (DS is 14 and a nightmare) but locking your son out the house in his dressing gown is just cruel and borderline abusive imo.... ☹

WomanOfTime · 01/11/2018 08:17

I'd have shown her how to handwash the tights if she hasn't ever done it before. Yes, it's obvious - but not if you're 12 and unfamiliar with it.

From 12 I was doing the laundry for my whole family. School uniform was the one thing I'd always chase everyone up for because I felt it reflected badly on me if younger siblings were going to school in dirty crumpled clothes because they hadn't been bothered to put them in the basket. (which I know is not what the OP is suggesting!) In this weather I'd say knee socks are fine but not ankle socks.

Rhumba · 01/11/2018 08:21

I had a similar discussion with my DD this am although it was the other way round. No clean socks so she had to wear tights. I did a sock wash at the weekend so should have been 5 pairs waiting for her unless she had some dirty ones stashed in her room!

steppemum · 01/11/2018 08:22

It would be completely unreasonable of you to make her go out in socks and bare legs in this weather. But you haven't. She had choices.

exactly

RiddleyW · 01/11/2018 08:26

I think I must be the minority on here tho. And regarded as a terrible mother.

Why do you think this when you're saying what nearly everyone else on the thread has said?

DaphneDiligaf · 01/11/2018 08:31

Another one here who's school did not allow tights until 4th form. I survived. And I'm quite hardy too.

JoeElliotsMullet · 01/11/2018 08:38

YANBU
She's old enough to take responsibility for her own clothes. You're not the laundry fairy.

Beamur · 01/11/2018 08:41

When the kids were at Primary School, I did their laundry - would encourage them to put worn clothes in the laundry basket (but not throw a fit if they didn't)
Secondary school, rule changes to not in laundry basket = doesn't get washed. I won't pick stuff up off the floor or decide if something needs washing or not.
Aged about 14, they are responsible for ironing their own uniform.
Older kids now perfectly able to organise clean clothes for themselves.
I think the natural consequences of not following simple household rules is the best way to learn. My DD (Yr7) prefers socks for school and so far she's not been cold enough to wear tights (or a coat..) most days.

Cloglover · 01/11/2018 08:42

Well done for sticking to your guns with your daughter and your husband.

jarhead123 · 01/11/2018 08:44

Sounds fair. A good lesson and harmless really

teelhing · 01/11/2018 08:49

Is everyone forgetting that they had these children? People are talking about their children as if they owe them something. Ridiculous.

Original poster
jackieChansBedPan · 01/11/2018 08:54

How do you mean Teeling?
Would you have been washing tights and socks at midnight (and not for the first time by the way)

And YES I do ask at roughly supper time- to all the DC-
What are you doing tomorrow-what do you need- have you put that out for the night in readiness

Have you checked it off your list-

I don’t feel my kids owe me anything other than basic good manners and decency- treating me and others well and not inconsiderately

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 01/11/2018 08:55

Teel, at what age would you expect them to take some responsibility for themselves then?

Things like this teach them life skills. I've seen way too many young adults who have just left home, who are incapable of the simplest tasks. I'd be embarrassed.

ReverseTheFerret · 01/11/2018 08:58

Dear God - my 5 and 6 year old help with doing the laundry (they enjoy doing it - there's hell on if I put the washer on without their assistance!) they put the clothes in the machine, one of them gets the laundry tablet and puts that in with my assistance, the other puts the fabric conditioner in the drawer and then I check it and turn it on... and then they pair up all the socks when it comes out. Start 'em early - they're also dab hands at stacking their stuff in the dishwasher and the eldest knows how to set that to the right programme, tell me if it's complaining for salt or rinse aid and turn it on.

By 12 I was expected to do my own ironing as a kid - didn't do my own laundry, purely because my mum knew I was the sort who'd put a full wash on to get one clean top, but I was expected to iron it and put it away (or live off the floordrobe and look crumpled to hell).

LuvSmallDogs · 01/11/2018 08:59

teelhing, you don’t half sound wet. “If you want me to wash your clothes, put them in the dirty laundry basket or tough” is hardly thinking a 12 year old owes you something.

They have to gradually learn how to manage themselves before leaving for uni/their own place, unless you want them to be the one flat mate who gets taught how to function by the rest of the household.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 01/11/2018 09:05

Your dd or dh should have washed them if they felt so strongly about it. Especially Angry at your dh on your behalf. What a lazy bastard.

Fwiw, I often wore socks to school in winter and played hockey in socks and a skirt. Not to mention cleaning our horses’ stables all day in the depths of winter with a pair of wee jodhpurs a shirt and a body warmer and it was fine. We ate lunch in the tack room with no heating. Completely fine. I loved it in fact.

Jesus, reading that back, I think I’ve somehow morphed into my grandmother Shock.

MyBrexitIsIll · 01/11/2018 09:06

OP you are doing more than I have done with my two dcs.
I wouldn’t check with them in the evening if they had check if they need x and y.
If she has 5 shirts, 7 pairs of tights etc... then regular washing will ensure that she has everything she needs for the week.
If my dcs are missing something, it’s because they haven’t looked after their own stuff. Their issue and theirs to sort out too.

At 12yo, children are totally able to put dirty washing in the basket and to tidy up clean stuff.
If she is putting clean stuff in the laundry bag, her issue. That means not enough clothes to wear for the week and up to her to sort it out. (For my dcs, it means, they’ve been rewearing some clothes, esp PE stuff or done some ironing for shirts or trousers)

Your DH is a CF and the i woud pull him up on that too. You dint get to critics and make someone feel bad when you are not prepared to do said thing yourself.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 01/11/2018 09:06

Out*

BitOutOfPractice · 01/11/2018 09:07

No I wouldn't send my12 yr old to school inappropriately clad

@tiredgirly you make her sound like a tower block with you overly officious language to prove your perfect parenting point "inappropriately clad"

I can assure all of the people worrying about the cold that OP's DD will not be worried about the cold but about her appearance. Besides it's not exactly arctic everywhere you know, 12 degrees here at school run time. She'll live.

OP you did the right thing.

And if I were you, I'd be having stern words with your DH. How come you're "harsh" to not wash them, but he's not harsh, even though he didn'yt wash them? Arse!

Juells · 01/11/2018 09:20

HRTFT. Make her wash her own clothes. You're not the family skivvy.