To think I didn't make her homeless?

[Wheyv]

DD's college seem to be quite concerned here and I'm actually really worried now. DD's behaviour was absolutely horrendous, words such as "I wish you were dead" and "you're a cunt" were thrown around and I just couldn't bare to have her here. She refused to stay out of my sight and so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left. It hit around 9pm and it was getting dark, I told elder sister to suggest she could go stay in her flat... eldest sister texted her and said she could go stay there (eldest is visiting) so DD did. DD didn't know it was my suggestion, but I knew she was safe and told the college this. But apparently they're still concerned and were blabbering in about how I have parental responsibility... she is 17 for gods sake! AIBu?

I am sympathetic too OP.

It sounds like a stupid argument that got out of hand and really would have gone nowhere unless one of you had removed themselves from the situation and given each other a chance to calm down.

When you told her to get out did you tell her to get out and never come back or did you just mean get out now and expect her to come back later?

I don't think you made her homeless - you arranged somewhere for her to stay. I get why the college called you but presumably they deal with teenagers the whole time and wanted to know both sides of the story.

You obviously regret what happened - does she? Maybe its time to sit down and talk it through more calmly. If you have made her an offer of a phone she can hardly complain.

Can I also suggest you try Voxi for the phone - costs £10 a month and for that all your social media is free. Maybe you could pay some and she could pay the rest.

I’d kick her out too

Just wondering whether, if it happens again, you could just leave the house for a while - bit of a pain but avoids homelessness accusations.

I don't know but I do think you are playing a dangerous game, kicking her out, have you ever spent a night out on the streets ? It's a frightening, lonely and very vulnerable place ! No wonder her tutors are concerned. You lost control and now she is paying the price. Yes, you realised there was a handy place for her to stay after you'd given her the boot, but what if there wasn't ? what if she refused to go ? What if sister refused to let her stay ? Don't care what anyone says, I think she's still a child. She can't yet even vote ! Where is she now ? What happened for things to get so bad.

?

When you told her to get out did you tell her to get out and never come back or did you just mean get out now and expect her to come back later? Like I said, dangerous game !

@daffodillament read again. OPs DD was never in any danger. She slept in her sisters flat. Hopefully the shock made her realise that she in fact owns nothing and that she needs to be a bit nicer to the people who find her entire life.

@daffodillament neither did OP's daughter. And yes she's back home. Always helps to actually read the whole thread,or at least OP's replies. She spent one night in her sister's flat because she was being a dick.

daffodillament

Really ffs!!

Dangerous game? Maybe the daughter should have modified her behaviour, been grateful for the offer of the iPhone and stopped abusing her mum?

If she had ended up on the streets for the night it would have been her fault.

I

About 18 months ago I broke down while on the phone to dd’s school. Poor woman, I just sobbed and sobbed. She arranged for intervention in the form of Early Help, which are part of SS. They were brilliant, despite the fact that dd refused to engage with them, the support was invaluable to me.
The official heading of their concern?
Parental abuse.
Very common apparently.

Op I think you did the right thing, your dd needs to know there is a limit to how much abuse you will take. At 17 your dd needs to know there are real life consequences to her abysmal behaviour.

Have you had chance to talk to her since this happened?

I would be very interested to see the responses of saying YABU if your DD was a DS.
Just because she is female does not mean that what she was doing was not abuse.

Wow that certainly was a massive overreaction on your part OP.

As far as your DD was concerned, you DID make her homeless. You need to meet up with her today so you can have an adult conversation about why all this happened and to work out a way forward. I have had rows like this with my 17 year old DD (minus the name calling) which have been resolved with a bit of space - in the house! - and a chat a bit later on. Perversely, the yelling usually comes from a feeling of security (they know you'll continue to love them no matter what), so when that's threatened the next stage can often be NC.

You need to sort this out ASAP OP before it escalates to this.

Sometimes because of our own experiences we tend to view teenagers, especially girls, as vulnerable and powerless.
This is not always the case. The Early Help professional told me that cases where the teenagers ARE the abusers are not unusual at all, but it is hard to switch your thinking, it took me a while.

17 year olds are as big and physically threatening as adults, but I suppose being followed room to room and verbally abused as you try to remove yourself from an argument is ok as long as the person doing it is a month or two under 18?

OP, hopefully this will wake your DD up to the fact that actually, very soon if her behaviour doesn’t improve, you can chuck her out and leave her to it for longer than a night.

A decent iPhone with £X credit a week is a nice thing to have for free when you’re old enough to earn money and pay for something better yourself if you really want to. Don’t give in to her and get her another contract.

I love mumsnet at times

Your husband so much as give a you a dirty look. Advice - he's an emotionally abusive bastard and you need to LTB

Your 17 year old can follow you around the house calling you a cunt and telling you die over a phone contract you aren't willing to pay for. Advice- look up pay as you go sims for her and just ride it out she's just a "child"

I wouldn't dream of saying that to my parents at this age, and I'm not my mum's biggest fan.

You told your 17 year old daughter to get out, and told her you didn't care where she went? At 9pm?

Horrors, a 17 year old out of doors at 9 p.m.! Like, um, thousands of other 17 year olds every Saturday night.

You telling her to stop talking to you and following you has the opposite effect and makes her angrier in my view.

When a teenager has reached the point of following her mother around the house and screaming at her, virtually any reaction short of outright capitulation will make her angrier.

@Rhiannon13 How was OP supposed to give the situation some space when her DD was following her around being abusive?

I'm sure you have a fantastic answer.

But. .. she is midst college, studying and her 18thbirthday happens to fall early on in that year. She doesn't suddenly get a cash windfall as a result, or govn'm't income! . Unless she has a part time job, how is she going to pay for her phone contract

She has a month to find a part time job, and at this time of year that really isn't that difficult. Or she could take the contract that OP is offering her and moderate her use of the phone.

Got to remember your the adult, 17 is old enough to know better but not emotionally mature at all so whilst her language is NOT acceptable, I can remember and understand being unable to control extreme emotional outbursts sometimes at that age.

Sounds like you need a serious sit down chat with dd about what happened.

And IMPORTANTLY you both need to have personal space so you DO NOT go in her bedroom unless invited in by her and vice versa. That's a biggie!

(And I would still pay for her phone as long as she is in education, make that the condition)

I haven't read the whole thread,but I think you need to let your daughter know that you cared for her, that even when you were so angry you could scream, you made sure she had somewhere safe to stay, i.e. with her sister.

*@Rhiannon13 How was OP supposed to give the situation some space when her DD was following her around being abusive?

I'm sure you have a fantastic answer.*

I'm sure none of my answers are 'fantastic'. I was trying to be helpful. When this has happened to me I've had to resort to going out for a walk and once had to shut myself in my bedroom. Neither of which are ideal, obviously. I just find that preferable to chucking my DD out of the house.

You told your daughter to go
You told your other daughter to take her in.
That is a very autocratic style of parenting, your first DD may well have responded really well to that, your second DD may not.
To be honest the way you post on here, and what you have written of her behaviour you do seem to have a lot in common with how you handle situations so have a think about how people you get on best with relate to you, and how your mum related to you and use that as a foundation to start building bridges.

Also you are grieving deeply the loss of your mum, but you don't seem to acknowledge anywhere that your DD is as well.
I don't condone your daughter's behaviour, but you need to take a loot at yours as well.

@holdingonbarely your posts this morning are fucking awful! Telling someone they are an awful parent when you only know one small thing about them? Surprised they've made it this far? Cruel and unnecessary.

There is a difference between normal teenage flare ups and living with an abuser.