To think I didn't make her homeless?

[Wheyv]

DD's college seem to be quite concerned here and I'm actually really worried now. DD's behaviour was absolutely horrendous, words such as "I wish you were dead" and "you're a cunt" were thrown around and I just couldn't bare to have her here. She refused to stay out of my sight and so I told her to get out, she then said well where am I supposed to go? And I said I didn't care and for her to just get out, she left. It hit around 9pm and it was getting dark, I told elder sister to suggest she could go stay in her flat... eldest sister texted her and said she could go stay there (eldest is visiting) so DD did. DD didn't know it was my suggestion, but I knew she was safe and told the college this. But apparently they're still concerned and were blabbering in about how I have parental responsibility... she is 17 for gods sake! AIBu?

“FFS I cant believe people on here who are saying that a 17 year old is a CHILD - I was working from age 15 and at age 17 I was married and running my own home”

So? Do you want a medal Oldsu?
Unless this was a long time ago wouldn’t you have been at school at 15? And why were you married at 17?

There is always one on threads like this who smugly say that they were completely independent at an unusually young age. It is completely irrelevant and unhelpful to the OP.

I suggest that you try and understand that most people are not you. A bullied teen, for example, with anxiety is not going to have the same resilience and independent spirit as you did.

So... You told your 17 year old daughter to get out, and told her you didn't care where she went? At 9pm?

Yes, you then asked an older daughter to put her up for the night, but 17 year old didn't know that.

I'm not surprised she told her college about it! You told your still-a-child to get out of the house, and that you didn't care about them!

You have parental responsibility for her! I'm sorry, but whatever she did to "deserve" being thrown out, your behaviour was similarly awful.

OP
I have had a difficult teenager dd. I asked for help because I was at my wits ends but I never ever thought about throwing her out. You are lucky she complied and went to her sister. What if she got really angry and decide to sleep rough to punish you?

You could be one of those mum trailing the streets with a poster of her now.

I asked for professional help and I was told I needed help not her.
I learnt I had switch off completely when she was shouting and trying to feel compassion for her as she must have been in a lot of pain, her feelings and hormones all over the place and I was the safe punch bag to release the emotions. This was a cry for help.
I stopped retaliating and answered with kindness to her abuse. Acknowledging her feelings of anger and how could I help.
It wasn’t easy, but we seem to have come to the other side now and she’s able to articulate how she feels rather than screaming her feelings out.

You telling her to stop talking to you and following you has the opposite effect and makes her angrier in my view.

You telling her to get out is telling her you have given up on her, her own mother rejecting her.

Try to understand her feelings. Not all teenagers are the same I know but some feel “stronger” than others and don’t know how to deal with their feelings.

It is your job to teach her that. If you lose it yourself nobody is learning anything and it’s quite harmful for your relationship.

She will be grateful in the future to know that you put her feelings before yours.

Not easy I know at a conscious level. You can only acknowledge it to start with within yourself and you can see that slowly you will become detached and focus only on her emotional well being rather than yours.
And it’s so rewarding...

I assume that the daughter has a job to pay for her phone?

Everyone's emotional wellbeing within a family is important, not just the childs/young adult.

I also don't believe there has to always be underlying issues such as anxiety or depression either, but mnetters love trotting that one out

I'm not arguing about whether or not you were right to chuck her out. But staying with a relative who doesn't have parental responsibility and had no legal obligation to let you stay is still homeless

She stayed 1 night. Shes back home now, shes not homeless!

LoniceraJaponica

I assume that the daughter has a job to pay for her phone?

If she hasn't, she needs to get one.

I think there's been plenty of advice re homeless and colleges response in here.

I wanted to pick up on
I can't keep affording her phone bill. She is 18 at the beginning of December (when it runs out) and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to have to pay for her own phone :/

DD was abusive and intimidating to get her own way, and in no way do I confirm that.

But. .. she is midst college, studying and her 18thbirthday happens to fall early on in that year. She doesn't suddenly get a cash windfall as a result, or govn'm't income! . Unless she has a part time job, how is she going to pay for her phone contract? It'd be different if she was in an apprenticeship or working FT, or at uni and receiving a grant, but she's studying as a child still.

By all means downgrade her to a cheap SIM only for £7.50/month or PAYG and little data, but I wouldn't cut off her mobile.

What I meant to type was...

DD was abusive and intimidating to try to get her own way, and in no way do I condone that....

But...

Oh I've suggested she can have my iPhone as soon as my contract runs out (January) which is one iPhone higher than hers and I'll put a small amount of credit on it. Apparently the credit amount wasn't enough. Then she said she doesn't want a credit phone, hence we even ended up in the situation of me telling her when the contract will end.

I have no idea how I deal with her. I honestly believe I parented both girls the same... so idk what to do.

Chocolate Rainbows
Agreed but as the adult we should know better. But agree that oftern adults have their own emotional baggage and not great parental model so the history repeats itself

Since when is it normal teen behaviour to call your mum a cunt?

Fwiw OP my MIL had and still has this exact same issue with my BIL who is now 25. I met my DH when my BIL was 16 and I saw some of the things he did and said. Very manipulative person and often lied about others to get himself out of trouble. She paid for everything for him until he was far past 18. He was verbally abusive to her and still is.

He has a partner now and a baby on the way and he sent her some awful messages the other day calling her a fat bitch and a useless mother.

To have my MIL crying on the phone because of the depression this has caused over the years is awful. She wishes now that she had given him a short sharp shock far earlier and maybe now he wouldn't be still treating her like this.

Their dad left her when they were going and has never really played a part in the hard times so she was on her own. She took the road that other posters on here are saying. He's a child it's teen strops blah blah. Well now he's 25 and still acting that way.

Never at any age is it acceptable to call your parents names. That disrespect is vile and I would be devastated if either of my girls called me a name like that. I'm hoping that they will have mutual respect when they are teens and if they ever did it would be dealt with in whichever way me and dh see fit as parents

I assume that the daughter has a job to pay for her phone?

Agree with a PP that she'll need to get one.

However, if she doesn't it isn't actually the OP's responsibility to ensure she has a phone.

I think we forget these days that a phone is a luxury item not a necessity and I wouldn't be paying out for luxuries I couldn't really afford for someone that thinks it's appropriate or acceptable to behave the way OP's DD has behaved.

I pay for both DD's phones but they'd be one of the first things to go if I couldn't afford them.

Does she have a weekend job op?

Don't give her your phone, it doesn't teach her anything! She wants a phone she should work and pay for it

I can understand how infuriating your daughter was, but you need to be the adult.if you needed to put some space between you, you could gave gone out for a walk or to your DDS flat

Op I'm completely on your side. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that level of abuse in your home. You were right to calm the situation, protect yourself and give everyone time to breathe.

Your daughter is manipulating. Stand your ground. Hopefully she had a nasty shock that your universe does not revolve around her and all her nastiness will get her is outside alone. Hopefully she realised how little power she really has.

Tell her that your earlier offer of your old phone and a small amount of credit is now gone in light of her being a bitch so rude.

That her only option of keeping a phone is to get a job.

I think you need to move past that accusation of making her homeless. Your fixated on the wrong thing. In December should she want better than your offering phone wise she will have to self fund like young people have for years. How has she been since she got home

However, if she doesn't it isn't actually the OP's responsibility to ensure she has a phone. I think we forget these days that a phone is a luxury item not a necessity

TBH I would feel uncomfortable if DD was out and about without a phone of some sort. I would want to know that she could get in contact if she felt unsafe. Don't forget, public payphones are as rare as hen's teeth these days.

She spent one night in her sister's flat after refusing to stop abusing her mother and following her around. After blackmailing her that she'll only stop if mum keeps up contract. After being offered options that she just didn't want.

She was not bloody homeless. She isn't homeless now. She's a spoilt,entitled brat.

Ffs in a month's time the DD is 18 so hardly oh my god she is a defenseless child.

Anyway has she learned her lesson has she apologised to you op? Do you think maybe your oldest daughter could have a few words with her or play mediator between you both. I think now that both of you had time to cool off it would be good to clear the air and work on her behaviour as well.

A 14 year-old is considered responsible enough (in law) to babysit small children for several hours. I can't see why a 17 year old isn't considered capable of looking after herself in a safe environment for a night or two.

You did right to ask her to leave OP - it gives you both some breathing space.

I am surprised that she is so entitled and resentful that she has gone to the college claiming to be "homeless". This is attention-seeking behaviour, It is obvious from the way she has behaved towards you that she doesn't respect you and is being totally selfish - it's not as though she is afraid of you.

I think that she is well aware that she can come home at any time - all she needs to do is apologise and behave like an adult. But she would rather try to force you into letting her return, because that would give her the upper hand.

Don't let her - stand your ground until she at least says "Sorry".

I would have actually been dead if I ever said such a thing under my parents roof, you made sure she wasn't on the streets, I think you were being reasonable. I moved out at 16, nearly 17 years old so I don't really see a problem.

I found out that my son was not only lying about very important things but stealing from me. It wasn’t the first time and. I was literally at my wits end. I told him I was putting him out, he was 16. Don’t think he believed me. I actually got in touch with sw and said I was still putting him out. Because of his age they actually organised b&b for him and sent a taxi to collect him. I would never have put him out without making sure he was safe. He was on the phone the next morning begging me to take him back. His dad phoned sw and they said if we didn’t take him back he would be put in a hostel away from home, where he would be living with druggies etc. We did take him back, but let him stew for a few more hours. The reality check did help.

TBH I would feel uncomfortable if DD was out and about without a phone of some sort. I would want to know that she could get in contact if she felt unsafe. Don't forget, public payphones are as rare as hen's teeth these days.

I completely get that, but at almost 18 OP's DD is perfectly capable of getting a job in order to fund her own lifestyle choices such as having the latest model phone.

OP has offered her DD a perfectly acceptable alternative which the DD has refused as it's not good enough & in response thought it was appropriate to call OP a cunt.

Hannah I know of similar situations. I think a short, sharp shock when you are being abused is sometimes necessary. How much abuse should you be prepared to take? She should be treated in the same manner she treats everyone else.

As for the college I would suggest they make arrangements for her if they are that concerned. No way would I put up with abuse.