DH doesn't want DD's boyfriend staying the night?

[eglegg]

Hello, struggling with this one. I feel I'm in a very difficult situation. DD is 19 and a student, lives in student accommodation, but obviously comes home a lot. She would like to have her boyfriend stay. We have met him and he's a lovely boy but DH just isn't having it, saying she can go back to uni and have him over to her accommodation if she wants to spend time with him. I said I think it's okay (to DH, not DD, as I don't think it'll go down 1 with us saying the complete opposite thing) and he won't budge on it.

Can’t he come & stay but in separate rooms?

What’s his issue? They’re adults.

You can expect to see less if her then. Is your DH aware of that?

What is his problem though? Has he articulated it to you. It seems ridiculous for him simply say no without any compromise.

Reasons from DH:

• doesn't want to have to cook and provide for someone else
• doesn't want to encourage them to sleep together
• doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in his own home with a "stranger" walking about

Ridiculous reasons really

Can't they stay in separate rooms? Then work through his daddy's girl issues from there? Your husband might need to work through his feelings and life's realities in stages.

Is he a 'not under my roof' kind of DDad?

Yes it was a fair few years ago but there is absolutely no way my parents would have allowed this nor would I have dared to have asked at this age while away at university at 19.

The only man I’ve been in a relationship with who has ever slept under their roof has been my DH, and that was well after we were married, living away, and visiting. Likewise I’ve never stayed at another man’s family house.

Despite how it sounds I’m not at all old fashioned in most ways and I realise that the done thing on MN is to say she’s an adult, etc etc, but it wouldn’t fly in my family home and it certainly wouldn’t fly in ours if our child was a 19 year old! I’m with your DH on this one- but you do sound like a lovely mum!

Your DH is entitled to feel as he does, but I'd find it hard to have any sympathy for his feelings. Your DD is an adult and refusing to allow her boyfriend to stay over will presumably mean you just see less of her.

So, boils down to, he's no interest in getting to know the boyfriend, he's inhospitable and doesn't like the fact that his dd is a sexually active adult.

I married my uni boyfriend and so did many friends.... I think he is being shortsighted here!

But long term future aside it will cause a rift with your DD if he keeps this up. At what point will he think it’s okay, 25? 35?

Reasons from DH:
- doesn't want to have to cook and provide for someone else
Inhospitable. Get a takeaway.
- doesn't want to encourage them to sleep together
LOL! Does he think she’s chaste away from home? But see also separate bedrooms.
- doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in his own home with a "stranger" walking about
Didn’t you ever host sleepovers? Also, see inhospitable. If your DD will never get to bring a DP to stay then you won’t see her much as an adult.

My parents never would have allowed this. DH stayed over when we were just dating and this was when I was in my 20s and living on my own. My DM insisted on separate bedrooms.

You don’t have a right to sleep with your boyfriend in your parents house. In mine and DH’s culture it’s totally unacceptable to even ask this.

How long have they been together? Does the dh have to accept boyfriends sleeping over of any length of relationship? Perhaps when she comes home he wants things to go back to how they were when you were all at home together. If he came to stay in a separate room while you got to know him, that could be a start. I had to sleep in a different bed at my (now) pils, I didn't like it but it was their home.

When DD2 had her first serious boyfriend and wanted him to stay over, my first reaction was no. She was 17 going on 18. Then I thought more about it and agreed, because I would rather she had had sex in a safe place than in some back street somewhere. He did come and stay, but he wasn't keen to have sex in our house, which was fine. I never slept with my fiance at my parents house before we were married - as it was, my DF asked me how I had become pregnant...

But long term future aside it will cause a rift with your DD if he keeps this up. At what point will he think it’s okay, 25? 35?

Presumably it's only in university holidays for three years that this is going to be an issue.

*Reasons from DH:

• doesn't want to have to cook and provide for someone else
• doesn't want to encourage them to sleep together
• doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in his own home with a "stranger" walking about*

So what's he going to do if they get married? Because most of those reasons will apply equally then.

Even if your DH hates having guests and 'strangers' to stay it would be nice if he could put up with it for your daughter's sake. My parents have never liked having guests but did always allow my then boyfriend (now fiancé, as a pp pointed out could happen) to come and stay in the holidays, even though they really didn't like having an extra person in the house (no thing to do with him personally)

Didn’t you ever host sleepovers? Also, see inhospitable. If your DD will never get to bring a DP to stay then you won’t see her much as an adult.

There's a difference between a child spending a Saturday night for a few nights a year and an adult possibly moving in for several weeks at a time.

So what's he going to do if they get married? Because most of those reasons will apply equally then.

You're assuming a married couple will live with the bride's parents?

Oh gosh he doesn't want to stay here during the whole holidays for uni, just once so they see each other. I wouldn't have him move in for weeks at a time.

They have been together 8 months.

How long have they beeen together? Does that matter?

You don’t have a right to sleep with your boyfriend in your parents house - I don’t think anyone thinks that it is, some people just think that it’s stupid, and, in this case quite hostile to deny a boyfriend an overnight stay, I personally also think it’s a twattish, macho thing : ‘doesn’t want to encourage them to sleep together’ - ugh massive eye roll from me.

I think you're DH might have to accept that his little girl is a adult!

Regarding not encouraging her to sleep with him that ship has probably sailed!

It's probably not casual given that you have met him. Yes he can stick to his rules but making her bf not welcome will probably lead to her spending less time at home and potentially resenting your DH for not accepting her bf.

I would probably ask DH if he is prepared for that and the long run of it? It might make him think again.

Would she be allowed to have a female friend to stay over, or a platonic male friend?

doesn’t want to cook seriously?
And they are obviously sleeping together so it won’t be encouraging them will it?
They are adults. As others have said expect to see a lot less of her.