DH doesn't want DD's boyfriend staying the night?

[eglegg]

Hello, struggling with this one. I feel I'm in a very difficult situation. DD is 19 and a student, lives in student accommodation, but obviously comes home a lot. She would like to have her boyfriend stay. We have met him and he's a lovely boy but DH just isn't having it, saying she can go back to uni and have him over to her accommodation if she wants to spend time with him. I said I think it's okay (to DH, not DD, as I don't think it'll go down 1 with us saying the complete opposite thing) and he won't budge on it.

Well it’s a bit odd in an western culture. But that’s my culture, so that’s where I’m coming from in my opinion

Not for Orthodox Jews or practicing Catholics...are they not Western?

@Bicyclethief thank you. The idea that you must let your teenager have a partner spend the night in their bed or you risk alienation is really quite surprising to me. My parents and I get along great, but they were strict and I accepted at home I had to do certain things. At uni and in my own flat I did as I liked!

Brook Shelley exactly the same for us.

Dh stayed in the same bed at 16 both at his gfs house and his own. In fairness he had a “serious girlfriend”. Not that it stopped him from cheating on her, which is why I’ve put serious girlfriend in inverted commas.

It was the exact opposite at my mothers place. Before dh came to stay, I’d had one previous bf there and he had been in the spare room a couple of time I was 19/20 and we were together for almost 2 years.

A year or so after that I was with dh and took him to stay. We’d not been dating for long but he’d moved to live in a different country to be with me. He just flat refused to sleep in a separate bed. Actually I can now see where dd gets her no negotiation stance from. It’s going to be interesting when we reach that point!

But in answer to your question, much as I think 16 is too young, your dd is 19 and living alone. Of course should be allowed to sleep in the same bed.

I do remember at this age I was expected not to sleep over at my bfs house when I came home from university to visit - he was from near my home town. That was ridiculous from my mother (who is very controlling) and no wonder the guy decided he wanted to end the relationship!

More assertive students would just not have bothered to return home! I do agree if your dh doesn’t allow your dd at some stage to sleep in the same bed, she will get the same message as I did that having sex is sordid and I was dirty.

Oh and staying together wasn’t about having sex. It was about being together and learning to be a couple and a unit. To negotiate and transition into adulthood. Looking back it is probably why it worked with dh and not with the past couple of bfs. Dh enabled me to find a voice.

@stillme1 @autumnevening cant remember ever saying that I sponge from my boyfriends family or impose as a partner in his house ... I simply stay there the odd Saturday night and certainly do not expect anyone to make me food. This website has an excellent knack of missing the point.

My DH and I were in our 20's when we got together. I knew my DM's feelings about over night guests so that just happened naturally (she always said she would be fine with it). So at first then BF would stop at mine on a Saturday. After a few months we would alternate and stop at his then mine.

It never occurred to either of us his DP's might mind, he was 25 and I was the first person he had had to sleep over. It was only when now MIL was telling me how SIL had asked of her uni (they were both mature students so actually in their 20's like us) was able to come and visit and she told me that she had said they needed to sleep in different rooms that it made me think maybe they weren't as comfortable with it at we thought.

After just over a year we got engaged and we started spending more nights together, we would spend 3 nights at his house, spend Wednesday apart then 3 nights at mine. I hope I was a good house guest. We always bought our own food so probably only ever ate their cereal. In fact in laws reduced his rent as he was now costing them less!

We are not at this stage yet with our DC's but their partners will be more than welcome. I won't have one night stands or virtual strangers stop but proper relationships will be welcome. I get the moving in my stealth thing and will be watchful of that!

Would your dh allow a 19 year old son to have a girlfriend stay over ? I suspect that would be ok

I wasn't allowed boyfriends over when I lived with my parents and I won't allow it when ds is an older teenager.

Oh my days this thread!!! 🤣🤣

Op I guess you will start to see less of your DD now, but hey, at least your H won't have to provide dinner for anyone.

doesn't want to encourage them to sleep together

I suspect it’s 90% this. Which is ironic as this is the least logical reason of the three - they’re at uni, they’re probably sleeping together every night.

I don't think all parents would be comfortable with them in the same room at 19 but the OP says her DH won't have him over at all and she can "go back to uni" if she wants to see him. That sounds like a sulk to me.

@eglegg

doesn't want to encourage them to sleep together

Have you asked him why not? I think it’s rather strange for a father to be so concerned about his adult daughter’s sex life. Why on Earth shouldn’t she have sex with her boyfriend?

In terms of the other points they could be applied to any guest - do you never have guests?

You’re essentially telling your DD that her boyfriend isn’t Welcome in your family unit. She may well readjust her visiting schedule based on that information.

*Reasons from DH:

• doesn't want to have to cook and provide for someone else
• doesn't want to encourage them to sleep together
• doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in his own home with a "stranger" walking about*

Knowing nothing about your DH, I suspect reasons 1&3 are made up to support reason 2.

I totally get where your DH is coming from and perhaps once the relationship has been established for longer then he may come round.
Re: PP saying you will see less of DD, it'll only be in the hols that she will be back and will probably want her own space with her BF anyway and meet up elsewhere.

Why don’t you overcome his objections by suggesting you book them a nearby hotel. Put your foot down OP! Say I want to see dd and I want to meet her boyfriend. This kind of dad can easily cause family rifts and make your dd feel not good enough. This is your time to stand for her.

I feel it's quite a common reaction from parents - my dad was certainly very against boyfriends staying when I was around that age. His thought process was that I was old enough to get my own place if I wanted boys to sleep over.

When I was about 21 ish that changed (like your DD I was at uni but home in the holidays) and I was allowed boyfriends they'd met to stay over. It didn't last long (I found sleeping with someone with my parents down the corridor a bit weird) and I moved out not long after!

I don't think his opinion is wrong at all - slightly old-fashioned but not wrong. I think a lot of people would be uncomfortable with the whole "morning after" situation too.

Your DH might come to regret this

My dad never let DP stay when we were first together so we stayed at my mums or PILs. Now my DDad constantly reminds me that we are welcome but tbh we don’t feel it and I haven’t stayed with him since being with DP. We still visit during daytimes but he made it clear that it was his home and not mine and we feel more comfortable staying with people who treat us as family and we are much closer to them as a result.

OP ignore anyone who says you’ll see less of your daughter now. If your relationship with her is so fragile then nothing can change that. In my family the child wouldn’t even ask. And there are many that have gone through this stage and see their parents all the time. Rules are rules. If you don’t like them make your own when you have your own place. I for one find it very strange that a young person would ask to have sex (which is essentially what they are asking) with their partner whilst their parents are in the next room. It would make my toes curl. I couldn’t have respected my boyfriend if he had even suggested such a thing. My children wouldn’t ask and I don’t expect to see them any less or have any less of a relationship with them - set boundaries early and make everyone aware of what they are and stick with them.

I find this so sad. I have got so much pleasure from having my children's girlfriends and their friends stay over. They bring fun, interesting conversation and ideas. They are often helpful with the chores and get involved in family tasks like stacking firewood etc. Honestly spending time in their company has restored my faith in the future of humanity ! Opening our home up also means we get to see our children interacting with their peers and get to spend time with and appreciate our newly adult kids. Your DH and you are missing out on so much !

Ten - absolutely agree

I think that's a real shame-

DS's Uni girlfriend stayed with us a lot over the summer-it let us get to know her and was lovely to have around. DS felt a bit shy about staying at hers and it meant we saw a lot more of him.
DS was very appreciative and it was really nice.

I do like all my DC to always know our house is welcoming-and I love hosting- we have lots of DS friends stay here annually as it is near a sporting event DS and his teammates participate in- I love getting them all here- I get so much great chat and really enjoy getting to know them all.

I'd much rather they be here than somewhere else...

I for one find it very strange that a young person would ask to have sex (which is essentially what they are asking) with their partner whilst their parents are in the next room. It would make my toes curl.

Good grief, Gobblebox, a couple can share a bed and enjoy the actual sleeping cuddled up part of it, the chance of talking privately, and just lying together. It's not necessarily about having all the sex, it's the intimacy and comfort of sharing a bed.

I would be ok with it (tho my DD isn't at that age yet) but like your DH mine would also get very huffy and say no. Like PP have said, DD would just stay with her BF's family and I'd see her less! It's ludicrous! As far as I am concerned, post-18, my daughter will be an adult and should be able to express herself as such!

My parents are divorced.

My mum would never let me have boyfriends sleep over - ever!

My dad on the other hand was fine for me to have my boyfriends sleep over.

A bit backwards really

I think the part about having an extra person in the house and cooking for them is strange as surely we all have people coming and going.
But l think , without making a big drama seperate bedrooms are fine. My dcs come and go withh people all the time. We have a very open home . But unless its a very serious committed relationship they just go for separate bedrooms no questions asked. I think people should respect the culture of other families here as surely being open minded is allowing other people have different views and traditions.
Op can you just go with the separate bedrooms until dh gets used to it. Just say the other bits are fine with you. You can't have a home where people aren't welcome as ye will become recluses.