DH doesn't want DD's boyfriend staying the night?

[eglegg]

Hello, struggling with this one. I feel I'm in a very difficult situation. DD is 19 and a student, lives in student accommodation, but obviously comes home a lot. She would like to have her boyfriend stay. We have met him and he's a lovely boy but DH just isn't having it, saying she can go back to uni and have him over to her accommodation if she wants to spend time with him. I said I think it's okay (to DH, not DD, as I don't think it'll go down 1 with us saying the complete opposite thing) and he won't budge on it.

At Uni age stayed at my boyfriends some w/e but had to sleep in with his sister. He didn't ever want to stay at mine as we lived in the sticks. In my 20s had boyfriends stay but separate rooms. By the time I met my now Dh & were almost living together was late 20s n we were finally put in same room when we visited. But it was different time my parents practicing catholics so never was an issue. They were always welcoming though.
Both of us no issue with gf/bf staying in their room once over 18ish. Not one night stands & just for the odd w/e visit though not all the time! Your Dh is being a twat & those saying they cant bear to have a other human outside their immediate family visit well that's another issue.

I moved away from my parents early 20s. They never allowed friends to stay over , ever. Yes it does have consequences. If my partner and I visit, we stay in a hotel.

Rules are rules.

Yes they are. And if they are made simply in an attempt to control another adult’s relationship, it’s unsurprising if that adult chooses to distance themselves

My now husbands family where like this. (No issue when SIL done it but that's a different story) it built a lot of resentment that has not gone away. She is an adult and wants to introduce her boyfriend to the family and make joint memories. It could be that if they stay together through uni that they get married one day and both of them will remember the treatment they received. Would your husband still do this after they get married where is the line. All it does it show that your daughters boyfriend is not considered as family.

My Mum was similar when I visited with a boyfriend when I was 29! She put him in her bedroom, I slept in my old room and she was on the couch, bf was really uncomfortable taking Mums bedroom and volunteered to have the couch but Mum wouldn’t consider swapping. I had been living away from home for 5 years at this point, had been married and separated from my (cheating) husband so I’m not sure what she was thinking!

Your DH is old fashioned and unreasonable OP.

Was he like this or would he be like this with female friends as well? Did your daughter used to go to friends houses more than they came to yours?

If so then it sounds like he is one of those people who feels like their home is their sanctuary and can't completely relax in it with someone else there (though you think he would put up with a couple of days for a one off). If not then it's just about his daughter growing up / having sex but sounds like he doesn't want to admit it!

Either way I think he needs to try and get over it if you don't want to push your daughter away. The relationship may last or it may not but assuming he doesn't change, he's never going to have a great relationship with any future son in law if he is so unwelcoming and therefore will make it awkward for your daughter in the long run

how often? How long?
Is he her only and long-term boyfriend or she has had numerous ones?

i'm very hospitable and I enjoy guests but they do put a strain on family life, and disturb the routines.

@brookshelley - well OP didn’t say ‘our religious beliefs find sex before marriage reprehensible’ that would be a different matter as OPs daughter would reasonably expect her parents to be put out by having to host her boyfriend. Seeing as culture/religion hasn’t been mentioned it comes across like op’s dh is BU. Also? The hostile bit is him not wanting to have someone else in his house or cook for them- sounds like he just doesn’t want him there at all which is stupid

The separate rooms yes, but not wanting to cook for someone for a few days seems unreasonable.

When I opened this I thought the DD was going to be still at school. She's 19 and away most of the time - surely it'd be lovely to have her at home and also to welcome her boyfriend?! Your DH needs to adjust to the fact your dad is an adult and now into the 'coming and going' stage of early adulthood. I think (speaking as a daughter rather than a parent here) that parents can get a bit lost with how to support kids and what boundaries are reasonable at this stage. Please try to be supportive and welcoming and to stay involved with her life! Very stingy to not want to provide food to student boyfriend for a day or two once in a while.

Your daughter should respect the rules - at that age my boyfriend stayed over as he lived in another county but on a spare bed, not allowed in mine and we weren't allowed to sleep in the same room at my grans until we were married. It's fine, it's her rules and I was happy to respect them as to me it was just one or two night.

I would hate to make someone I cared about uncomfortable in their own home 🤷‍♀️

Frankly cultures that would have a problem with this tend also to be ones that consider it unacceptable for women to express their sexuality generally and label women disgustingly for daring to have a sex life! They're not known for their good treatment of women generally.

"Would your dh allow a 19 year old son to have a girlfriend stay over ? I suspect that would be ok" exactly! I suspect you're right - at heart this is a misogynistic stance.

It is NOT just or even primarily about sex anyway. It's about having time together - as they're at uni I'm guessing they don't live very near each other, don't have spare cash for lots of travel and hotel rooms so are naturally wanting to stay in touch and nurture the relationship during holiday periods AND get to know each other's families too.

I still think he is being utterly ridiculously controlling of an adult woman. He really needs to get over himself!

His house, his rules. He doesn't need a reason to say NO

Doesn't OP get a say? Presumably its her house too.

I've had DD's BF stop here a few times, he's here tomorrow. It's her home too.

Frankly cultures that would have a problem with this tend also to be ones that consider it unacceptable for women to express their sexuality generally and label women disgustingly for daring to have a sex life! They're not known for their good treatment of women generally.

This is quite offensive honestly. Caribbean families normally wouldn’t allow this. Ever seen the dancing in those cultures? Not exactly anti sexuality is it.

Don’t go making silly assumptions if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

But how are women who openly have pre-marital sex or many partners or casual sex treated in those cultures?

Not sure what dancing has to do with it

At 19 they are probably shagging, show her a bit of respect, welcome this nice boy

@Graphista you made a sweeping statement that any culture that doesn't agree with boyfriends/girlfriends spending the night in bed with their adult child MUST be one that punishes female sexuality. You are wrong on this and frankly it's offensive.

Caribbean culture as one example does not suppress female sexuality, and in fact there is a lot of single motherhood on those islands, and yet they still hold to some values regarding parental authority that would not agree with these sort of overnight stays.

Just because people do some things differently from mainstream British culture doesn't mean they're wrong or that they're on some extreme end of anti-sex anti-woman attitudes.

Like I said - DH and I are from different cultures but neither would accept this. Somehow still managed to meet and have sex and have lives. Just not at home with mum and dad - which past 18 was only in uni holidays and past 22 was basically never.

I can understand him wanting separate bedrooms but not to not be welcoming at all. Honestly I think that's a bit rude. I was married at 20 and live 250 miles from family so if my parents had been like that they wouldn't have gotten to know my husband.

Would he have the same issues if your DD was a DS?
I understand he's uncomfortable with it, and it is your house so your rules, but his little girl has grown up now. He'll have a better relationship with her if he knows and welcomes her friends.

I made no such definitive statement ie MUST I said TEND, that's been my personal observation based on friends aged 20's - 60's who are from certain cultures where such actions would be frowned upon.

The cultures my friends are from include Caribbean, Muslim, middle eastern, sub-Saharan Africa, south east Asia, South American, fundamentalist Christian, strong Catholic cultures (I was born and raised Catholic myself, well supposedly my parents kinda cherry picked the aspects they adhered to).

Both from knowing and speaking to my friends of Caribbean origin/background 2 of them their mothers were single mothers and the attitude towards single mothers was a large part of their motivation for leaving.

Several posters have noted it would not be surprising in a strongly religious household to hold such views and most religions in my and many others opinions are deeply patriarchal and misogynistic.

Also as posters have noted it tends to be a view more likely to be held by older people, but i don't think it a coincidence that previous generations also tend to be more likely to follow a religion.

In secular, arguably westernised (although I'd argue again that certain christian denominations can be equally misogynistic) cultures where the sexes are GENERALLY treated more equally as a whole this is less of an issue.

I've certainly got a few friends where the parents - predominantly the father - has been fine with a son having a girlfriend stay over in same room but has barred the daughter from doing so - in a few cases even though the daughters were older AND the boyfriends more long term "serious relationship" whereas the sons gf were fairly new at points where the sons were allowed to have them stay over in their room - blatant sexism.

Notice too throughout the thread it is mostly fathers that object.

It's at heart about men not in a romantic relationship with the adult female thinking they have the right to comment even CONTROL that adult woman's sexual activity, sexual expression and sexual relationships.

That's absolutely not on.

Some posters have asserted "his house his rules" but have also acknowledged that the daughter can vote with her feet.

Such a defensive even hostile attitude to a daughters partner is not going to lead to warm and fuzzy feelings between dad and dd it's likely to cause resentment and potentially a rift.

Graphista - fine that's your experience. Neither my brother nor myself nor any female/male relatives in my family have ever had a romantic partner spend the night in our bedrooms. It's equally applied.

Unless there is evidence of a sexist or patriarchal application - in this case we have none by the way - then I find the assumptions about the father's opposition totally unnecessary.

When my children reach that age their boyfriend/girlfriend will be welcome to stay in the spare room or on the sofa.

She's 19 ffs...an adult!! Daddy has issues. I don't get this sex prudishness at all.

Why separate rooms at 19? Just why? That's just weird. The age of consent is 16.

It's a bit too Oedipus complex for me. Daddy dosnt want his 19 year old ADULT dd to grow up.

Husband was a ‘not under my roof ‘ Dad.
When they had been together for over a year and both were over 18 I broached sharing a room. Boyfriend had stayed in spare room until then.
DH wanted to run it past my mother, thinking she would back him.
Mum’s response “ well they are both adults in a committed and loving relationship, why not share a room’
Husband ‘s face was priceless.
Now together 4 years and still going strong.
She studies and works, he has apprenticeship working towards common goals.