DH doesn't want DD's boyfriend staying the night?

[eglegg]

Hello, struggling with this one. I feel I'm in a very difficult situation. DD is 19 and a student, lives in student accommodation, but obviously comes home a lot. She would like to have her boyfriend stay. We have met him and he's a lovely boy but DH just isn't having it, saying she can go back to uni and have him over to her accommodation if she wants to spend time with him. I said I think it's okay (to DH, not DD, as I don't think it'll go down 1 with us saying the complete opposite thing) and he won't budge on it.

I HATE having houseguests. I’m a grumpy introvert who is reluctant to share my space.

I welcome DS’s girlfriend here any time. He sleeps downstairs while she has his room. He loves showing her where he comes from, she loves it too.

Part of having older kids is doing what is right for them, surely?

Maybe give your DH time to come to terms with this. We have also been old-fashioned about this, but we both agreed on the issues involved. Our own parents would have tolerated such liberal views.

We have known other parents who were comfortable with occasional stays and later ended up with DCs partners who practically moved in rent free by stealth. Those who tried this were definitely takers. Parents need to be able reclaim their own home when a bit of peace and quiet is needed. Supporting young people from another family who cannot contribute in any way, is a potential problem for many parents.

Our DD is mid twenties and has a really great BF who seems to genuinely care about her so much. He is hard working, does not take hospitality for granted and has clearly been taught to behave with good manners, a real credit to his own parents. If he stays and needs to be out early for shifts at work he leaves very quietly and always posts the spare key back through the letter box. This indicates that he behaves like a well mannered guest and we appreciate this.

We often invite them for Sunday dinner and he will stay over, but doesn't take the piss. My DD stays at his parent's home and observes the same rules. Both of them are the youngest child in the family, still living at home and seem to understand the unspoken rules.

My DD is a massive Daddy's girl, but because the current BF treats her well and DH gets on really well with him, thinks he is a sound bloke, the rules have simply changed. They plan to move in together in the new year when she finishes uni and already has a good nursing post to go to.

Ugh. I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I am still not allowed him to stay over if my parents are home and my mam always said she couldn’t get her head round why my boyfriend’s mother allows me to stay over. Apparently it’s “disrespectful”

Ultimately it just meant that she saw less and less of me because in order to spend time with my boyfriend I had to go to his, which meant I wasn’t around. It would have been nice if he could have came to stay but it would have felt very uncomfortable. My parents have always been the type of people to hate having guests (never wanted to host sleepovers when I was younger etc)

It’s quite shit. I know I don’t own this house but it is my home and to feel comfortable and be able to have my boyfriend over to stay now and then would have been nice, and it would have meant I got to see my parents too and didn’t have to go away and stay at his house.

Thankfully we have just bought our own home, this was one of the main motivators for why we decided to do so. Was sick of feeling seedy.

It was the moving in by stealth that made me be very strict about not having boyfriends to stay over. The boyfriends in question did not work and my DCs did work but paid nothing into the house. I worked part time and it would have been impossible to keep a load of adults and with all the increase in bills on a part time salary.
This actions of stealthily moving in was tried on various relatives on all sides. It was just sponging.
My DH never stayed over at my DP's house. I stayed twice at his DP's house, the first time before we were married and I shared a room with his sisters. After we were married we were allowed to sleep in his old room! I respected his parents as decent people.
It is about respect and decency. If a DD or a DS falls out with parents because they don't let a boy/girlfriend stay over then there is no respect for the parents and their home.

@Scuzzlet

I got married in early twenties, we had our home after this. There is nothing like having your own space, with the freedom to come and go, just as you please. As a young couple we loved this freedom.

When my DDs BF stays over on a Saturday night, after a night out, I will get up and make brunch, with the foods that they like. I just don't like having to feel it is expected every single weekend. Some weekends we will "invite" them for Sunday dinner and I will go to a special effort to ensure they get the food that they enjoy. If myself and DH decide to go the cinema on Sunday evening, we don't want to be committed to doing this. They can make tuna and pasta or something instead and there is always plenty of food in the cupboard.

Now that you have your own home and your own space, imagine your parents decided to come and stay at yours whenever it suited them. Up early making a noise on a Sunday morning, insisting everyone got up for a cooked breakfast, when you just want to chill in bed and read the papers online?

It does work both ways.

@Stillme1

Totally agree about the "sponging" element.

Many young people are keen to escape the restrictions imposed by their own parents, but seem quite happy to impose as "partners" in other households. This usually means living there with no financial contribution to the household. No, nein, non, not on your nelly!

"doesn't want to have to cook and provide for someone else" bullshit!
"doesn't want to encourage them to sleep together" she's 19 her sexuality is NONE of his business! And it's frankly creepy he thinks it is!
"doesn't want to feel uncomfortable in his own home with a "stranger" walking about" I assume she's long been having female friends stay over that he didn't give this bullshit excuse for?

You're right - he's being ridiculous! Not only will you end up seeing much less of her as a result he risks permanently damaging their relationship! Tell him to grow the fuck up and get over himself!

The problem is your DH , he wants to be the Alpha male in the house !

its all about him , not your daughter or the boyfriends problem

remind your DH this is the 21st century not 1950 !

@AutumnEvenings You have made me smile with your No etc!
It is tough going trying to cope with such entitled people.
Love your response to @Scuzzlet. I can just see that causing trouble when parents pull the same stunt back at the kids.

@Stillme1

To be fair, our kids have gone along quite well with our "old-fashioned" views.

My adult son has recently moved to London for a new job, he would have a fit if we decided to turn up for a weekend in the city and expected to stay with him, then tried to dictate how things should run. If the boot is on the other foot, it is not surprising how the situation changes.

We would stay in a Travel inn and respect his privacy.

When I was 18 I visited my dbf' home and stayed in his bedroom, his DM never said anything (no DF) 25 odd years later we still get on pretty well, have taken her on holiday with us several times, she is always welcome at Xmas and Easter. What kind of long term relationship do you want with your DC and their partners. Your DH's reasons sound rubbish.

Was sick of feeling seedy

That's a very good way of describing how parents can make their adult children feel about a perfectly, healthy relationship. DD is 15 so not been in this position yet but, when she is at university, and in a proper relationship (if that happens), I have no intention of being "cool" mum but her boyfriend will be welcome here for limited visits. Because I want her to feel that this is her home for as long as she needs to.

I loathe having guests but do let her have sleepovers because I think I've got to accommodate her needs (forming friendships). There is a lot of compromise in being an adult and this applies to both parent and child as they get older.

I'm waffling but hope some of that makes sense!

It’s totally a fine attitude if he wants to not really see much of his daughter anymore.
Happy homes are just that, open and welcoming.
To all that say I don’t like people being in my home? What did you think would happen as your kids got older? It’s never always going to be the nuclear home.
You either welcome people in lovingly and don’t give a flying crap about being “geust mode” or you remain uptite and alienate your kids.you gives a fuck if they see you drinking a can of special brew and watching Jeremy Kyle

Your H sounds like a prize bellend. Does he strut around at home behaving like an entitled knob? Does he have inferiority issues? Is he worried he will have to rein in his entitled behaviour? I can never understand people who don't want their children's friends or partners to feel welcome. He sounds like a throwback to the 70s.

Its difficult really, especially if your husband is of the old brigade so to speak,, but to most people this boyfriend visit would be quite ok.

Its no laughing matter of course, but it made me laugh a bit, as when I was a youngie, my Mother would not let any of my many boyfriends in the house even, as in 17, 18,19 years old. She didn't think I was a Bad girl, she just hated that I was going out with lads,or men.

When my two offspring were at uni many years ago, I was quite free and easy with their boy/girl friends staying over at this age, but everyone feels differently about this issue.

If this was a thread about mums and bubs and interfering mils, I suspect the most of the advice given would consist of ÿour DC your rules".

In this case, I guess I have to say "His house, his rules".

Personally, if I had a DD who had been in a long term relationship, I would let the boyfriend stay over occasionally, but men are grumpy old buggers most of the time who like their own space most of the time.

Maybe they can get a B and B close by and he can pay for it.

God I’m so glad my parents were chilled out folk. Who invited all into their home and gave them food and wine and laughter.

Reasons why I have always welcomed my kids girlfriends (no boyfriends yet):

• Our house is our kids' house too- they will always be welcome here no matter what, and their friends have always been welcome

-I love getting to know their friends, especially now that they live away from us most of the time, and I don't have so many chances

-I really want their girlfriends to like us and feel comfortable with us; one of those girlfriends might turn into a wife and/or mother of grandchildren!

-I hate the idea that sex is seedy, shameful, something to lie about. I want my kids to be comfortable and not feel bad about having a girlfriend

-My sons' girlfriends have been so lovely, and, after staying with us many times, have become like friends to me, chatting, helping me cook, telling me about their lives, bringing me little gifts sometimes, sending me pictures and thank you messages after a visit

At the same age my mum would always invite my boyfriend along when I went home, they did the food shop together and everything I love that my parents were so welcoming. It meant that I could go home and see my lovely family and introduce my boyfriend to everyone and include him in things. I felt less torn between uni life and home life, definitely meant that I wasn't put off going home.

Your DH needs to be accommodating, I don't believe they should be in separate rooms at 19 years old - that would be treating them like children. You wouldn't ask your friends to split up when they're staying over, it would be ridiculous.

I think you're lovely to want to invite him 

You don’t have a right to sleep with your boyfriend in your parents house - I don’t think anyone thinks that it is, some people just think that it’s stupid, and, in this case quite hostile to deny a boyfriend an overnight stay, I personally also think it’s a twattish, macho thing : ‘doesn’t want to encourage them to sleep together’ - ugh massive eye roll from me.

Some people's beliefs and values guide them to find this unacceptable. Calling it "twattish" and "hostile" is needlessly harsh. As I said, DH and I come from cultures (different ones entirely in terms of religion and part of the world) where you would never ever dare to bring a boyfriend/girlfriend home to sleep in your bedroom.

Brookshelley exactly, in some cultures this is unacceptable for either male of female children. This were my parents and their relationship with DH is great. I'm not sure how I feel about this when it arises with my children. I think it would be less if s problem if it was a long term partner.

Well it’s a bit odd in an western culture. But that’s my culture, so that’s where I’m coming from in my opinion

My parents are from a western culture!

I just said it was odd

To you but not if you were brought up like this and in many cultures in the west this was the norm only a few generations ago. I guess in Britain it's not been the case.

The point is, it's not about being inhospitable Or you never saw your children or that you then went on to have a bad relationship with your in-laws as some are suggesting.