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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU In wanting to wipe the smug grin off his face?

254 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 17:29

Backstory

I have a friend (A) who I am fairly closewith. A got with her boyfriend (B) about 3 years ago, I always thought he was a bit of a bellend but couldn't put my finger on why.A is also currently 7 months pregnant.

2 Weeks ago
I was leaving my house at about 8.30am, and I see my neighbour kissing a man goodbye at the door and as he starts walking away, we lock eyes. It's B! His face drops, and he looks like he's going to pass out. He quickly rushes past me and turns off the street. I casually asked the neighbour
"Aww is that your new fella?"
She smiles and said "sort of. Just keeping it quiet at the moment though and see where we go."

I phone DH and tell him exactly what I saw and how I always thought he was a dodgy bastard. He must be thick to be shagging a bird who lives on the same street of As friend - he's even been to our bloody house!

DH tries to be the voice of reason, that maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, he surely wouldn't cheat on A. If I go running to A with this information and it is something fairly innocent I would look a twat and stress out a pregnant woman and I can't be getting stressed out being pregnant myself.

That night, guess who knocks on? The neighbour! B had obviously filled her in that he knows me and I'm his girlfriend's friend. Turns out my neighbour knew she was screwing a taken man, and had fell for the bullshit cliche of "I will leave her just need to find the right time"
I asked her did she know he has a heavily pregnant partner at home, she said yes but she has no guilt because B said the child was never planned A basically forced him into the baby, and it's only because of the baby why he hasn't left yet.

I asked her why on earth she would be telling me this, surely she should be trying to play it down and minimise it. Turns out the snakey cow wanted me to give A all the gorey details in the hopes she kicks B out so the neighbour can finally have him!

Me and DH discussed this at length and decided to not saying anything, as I honestly didn't want to stress her out and as people always say stay out of it.

Today

(Saw the twat leaving again yesterday morning) A has come into my salon for a catchup, and she's saying how B has been amazing throughout the pregnancy, how excited he is and they're even discussing marriage. She's in the salon for about 40 minutes before cockhead comes in.

He struts in cocky as hell, and makes the comment "people are gonna think you're following me soon"

A asks what he means, and he mentions how he saw me yesterday leaving a customers house! A just looked really confused at me and went "you never said you saw B yesterday KungFu"

I played it off as baby brain and why I didn't mention it. But never in my life have I felt the urge to inflict so much damage on someone as I did that moment in time.

He's got me over a barrel now hasn't he? I can't say anything because of how long I've left it and he would easily bullshit saying it's a customer (he's a tradesman). The only way I could prove I was telling the truth is letting A meet up with the neighbour, but A honestly doesn't deserve that does she?

Please don't tell me I should have told her 2 weeks ago, I thought I was doing the right thing but in reality I was being cowardly. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Rednaxela · 30/10/2018 17:31

Not sure what benefit you see in covering for this twat.

That poor woman will find out soon enough

MrsJamin · 30/10/2018 17:33

Wow that's quite a situation. You need to put yourself in your friends position, would you need to know? It's not as if she stops being vulnerable as soon as the baby arrives, is it? It'll be a big shock and horrid to deal with alongside a small baby, no sleep etc. I'd tell her ASAP, it's only going to get worse if you don't.

DoingTheBestICan · 30/10/2018 17:35

I would tell your friend, he's a massive cock!

Butterflycookie · 30/10/2018 17:36

Tell your friend now. Why on earth would you keep it a secret? She’s a pregnant woman for god sake and her partner is cheating on her with your neighbour! I think anyone would want to know

ohfourfoxache · 30/10/2018 17:36

You need to tell her. Whatever your feelings are towards him, she needs to know.

ohfourfoxache · 30/10/2018 17:37

Also, the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

frogsbreath · 30/10/2018 17:37

Tell her mum/sister/brother or someone close then go tell her together or perhaps that person will want to tell her.

She needs to know even if she hates the messenger. She'll be angry and it's the worst time for her to know but I'd want to know if I was living a lie.

19lottie82 · 30/10/2018 17:37

A hard one. If you tell her she’s in all likelihood not going to believe you, and/or give you dogs abuse.

If you don’t tell her and then she finds out that you knew, she will be devastated.

I don’t envy you at all OP.

MsHopey · 30/10/2018 17:38

If tell her and explain the first time you saw it you didn't know what to think and didn't want to stress her in her pregnancy but now see it was the wrong choice and you've seen him there again.
I'd want to know the truth, I'd rather be a single mom than with a cheating scumbag.

AdoraBell · 30/10/2018 17:38

I agree with MrsJamin and say that you we’re trying to get your head around it but he has forced your hand.

He will obviously deny it and she might not believe you. Just let her know you will be there for her.

AdoraBell · 30/10/2018 17:40

MsHopey worded it better than me.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 30/10/2018 17:40

I normally advise not to tell her but in this instance how could you NOT tell her.

timeisnotaline · 30/10/2018 17:41

I’d tell her as others advise. If you don’t it will destroy your friendship anyway.
Smug arsehole.

19lottie82 · 30/10/2018 17:42

I like the idea a previous poster had about telling her mum / sister, or maybe even another of her close friends, and seeing how they think you should approach it.

NonaGrey · 30/10/2018 17:42

It’s very difficult but in these circumstances I would tell her. He’s risking her health by sleeping with another woman let alone anything else.

Make sure she knows what kind of man he is before she puts him on the birth certificate.

Oh and I’d personally end any friendship with the neighbour given that she’s lacking any trace of judgement, moral integrity or empathy.

Rebecca36 · 30/10/2018 17:42

She'll believe you if you tell her the other woman came round to see you and spilled the beans.

It will come out sooner or later, far better for your friend to know now, before she has the baby, and she can make some plans.

MrsVietor · 30/10/2018 17:42

Honestly, if you don't tell her you're not a friend. There is no benefit to keeping this a secret.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/10/2018 17:44

You need to tell her. Explain you didn't know how.

I was in same situation. A very close friend of mine had to tell me DP had cheated on me when I was home with 13 month old ds. She hated it but said she'd rather lose me as a friend than lie to me.

He was kicked out and our friendship became stronger

FuckedItAgain · 30/10/2018 17:44

You need to tell her so she can make a decision and sort herself out before the baby arrives. It'll be much easier to do now when she is pregnant than when she is a frazzled mum to a newborn!

Ceecee18 · 30/10/2018 17:44

Tell her! Tell her that at first you weren't sure what to think, but your neighbour has since confirmed it. But as he knew you saw him you thought he would admit it, since he hasn't then you're telling her.

It's better she finds out now and has time to prepare for being a single parent of a newborn, rather than him potentially leaving her on her own with a newborn and having to figure it out.

TwistedStitch · 30/10/2018 17:44

I would tell her for the sake of her health and the baby's. He could have given her diseases that she could pass on to the baby. She deserves the right to know the truth about her life and protect her health.

CantWaitToRetire · 30/10/2018 17:44

On balance I'd probably tell her, but only because he's shagging the neighbour who sounds a complete skank and he could be taking any sort of infections back to your friend and she doesn't deserve that.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 17:45

I know you are all right, I was just always raised with the sentiment never get involved in anyone else's relationships because it always come back on the messenger.

MsHopey I particularly like that idea, it doesn't seem as cut throat doing it like that.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 30/10/2018 17:45

I would tell her. I would say that she deserves to be warned, that you won't mention it again to her, and if she never wants to see you it's worth it as you cannot simply let him do this to her with your knowledge. But if she needs help or to ask any questions, you'll be there.
The longer you leave it, the worse the fallout will be.

harriethoyle · 30/10/2018 17:46

I would tell her, and maybe take your DH - partly moral support, but partly to explain the rationale behind not telling her immediately. Depends really how close she is to your DH. It's a tricky one and I totally understand why you didn't tell her immediately.