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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU In wanting to wipe the smug grin off his face?

254 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 17:29

Backstory

I have a friend (A) who I am fairly closewith. A got with her boyfriend (B) about 3 years ago, I always thought he was a bit of a bellend but couldn't put my finger on why.A is also currently 7 months pregnant.

2 Weeks ago
I was leaving my house at about 8.30am, and I see my neighbour kissing a man goodbye at the door and as he starts walking away, we lock eyes. It's B! His face drops, and he looks like he's going to pass out. He quickly rushes past me and turns off the street. I casually asked the neighbour
"Aww is that your new fella?"
She smiles and said "sort of. Just keeping it quiet at the moment though and see where we go."

I phone DH and tell him exactly what I saw and how I always thought he was a dodgy bastard. He must be thick to be shagging a bird who lives on the same street of As friend - he's even been to our bloody house!

DH tries to be the voice of reason, that maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, he surely wouldn't cheat on A. If I go running to A with this information and it is something fairly innocent I would look a twat and stress out a pregnant woman and I can't be getting stressed out being pregnant myself.

That night, guess who knocks on? The neighbour! B had obviously filled her in that he knows me and I'm his girlfriend's friend. Turns out my neighbour knew she was screwing a taken man, and had fell for the bullshit cliche of "I will leave her just need to find the right time"
I asked her did she know he has a heavily pregnant partner at home, she said yes but she has no guilt because B said the child was never planned A basically forced him into the baby, and it's only because of the baby why he hasn't left yet.

I asked her why on earth she would be telling me this, surely she should be trying to play it down and minimise it. Turns out the snakey cow wanted me to give A all the gorey details in the hopes she kicks B out so the neighbour can finally have him!

Me and DH discussed this at length and decided to not saying anything, as I honestly didn't want to stress her out and as people always say stay out of it.

Today

(Saw the twat leaving again yesterday morning) A has come into my salon for a catchup, and she's saying how B has been amazing throughout the pregnancy, how excited he is and they're even discussing marriage. She's in the salon for about 40 minutes before cockhead comes in.

He struts in cocky as hell, and makes the comment "people are gonna think you're following me soon"

A asks what he means, and he mentions how he saw me yesterday leaving a customers house! A just looked really confused at me and went "you never said you saw B yesterday KungFu"

I played it off as baby brain and why I didn't mention it. But never in my life have I felt the urge to inflict so much damage on someone as I did that moment in time.

He's got me over a barrel now hasn't he? I can't say anything because of how long I've left it and he would easily bullshit saying it's a customer (he's a tradesman). The only way I could prove I was telling the truth is letting A meet up with the neighbour, but A honestly doesn't deserve that does she?

Please don't tell me I should have told her 2 weeks ago, I thought I was doing the right thing but in reality I was being cowardly. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 30/10/2018 19:43

You HAVE to tell her. If you want damage limitation on your friendship, you need to tell her now!!!
If she finds out, he will tell her that you knew and all hell will brake loose. She needs to know and its absolute decency that you tell her.

EspressoButler · 30/10/2018 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cuzcospoison · 30/10/2018 19:45

If (when, given how careless he’s being) she finds out, he will DEFINITELY tell her you knew as a way of making himself look less bad. Tell her as soon as you can.

MondayImInLove · 30/10/2018 19:46

Just pretend you only put 2 and 2 together today and tell her

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/10/2018 19:51

Dont give him 24 hours notice to come up with some more lies.
He has already challenged you to say something right in front of her and smirked at the fact that you were too shocked to say something then and there. He is a liar and he will lie his head off in this situation and he now has a chance to muddy the water with her and confuse her about who is the wrong doer by dragging you into it.
Tell her the whole truth as soon as you possibly can and don't let him know you are going to do it. Tell her that if she has any questions or doubts about what you have said and done she should ask you directly and you will tell her the truth.
Its not your fault that this happened - its his.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/10/2018 19:54

You have to tell her. You also have to do it as soon as possible. Sometimes being a good friend means telling them something you know they wont like.

She will probably be furious with you- shoot the messenger and all that, but if you let her continue on thinking that she has this rosy idealistic future to come, or worse, let her get married to this snake, let him hold her hand and pretend to be a devoted father and partner- she wont just be furious- she will hate you.

If she needs to be mad at you for a bit, then let her. She will realise it eventually.

Its far kinder to tell her now and let her get a different support system around her for the birth etc, than leave her crying with a new baby to look after.

Your neighbour is an idiot. Shes also cruel. Hes telling her what she wants to hear, and they are both relying on your silence.

I would write what you have written in this post in a letter. I would talk to a mutual friend, or her sister/mum and say 'I have to tell A this, shes not going to like it; if she hates me for it, would you please give her this so she can understand why'. Its very easy not to hear things in the heat of the moment.

Just do it ASAP as she needs to be surrounded by people that love her at the moment, not a snake who will be sloping off for cheap thrills at the drop of a hat.

theOtherPamAyres · 30/10/2018 19:59

You will do B a massive favour by spilling the beans.
Personally, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

He really, really wants you to tell A - your neighbour C gave you information about her hopes for a relationship, and B even tried to bring matters to a head himself, at your salon.

B must be desperate for you to act soon, so that he can escape.

Personally, I would say that when you saw B coming out of your neighbour C's house - you didn't think anything about it. When he joked about coming out of the neighbour's house - you were baffled because you'd forgotten about it. It wasn't important enough to remember.

Your only problem is the neighbour 'C' who made sure you were put into an intolerable and unenviable position - and can tell A that you were always aware.

Don't give them the satisfaction of getting involved, unless A is very very close to you and not just someone you know very well. Either way, B and C have got you and you are going to lose A however you decide to jump. So stay calm and do nothing, for the time being.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 20:05

Why's my language appalling Confused

I've had some amazing advice. See I didn't get the impression he wants me spilling the beans, it was more of a control thing if that makes sense. Sort of showing off, the power he has over me.

I like the suggestion of spotting him at neighbours twice but thought nothing of it until neighbour told me. Or should I admit I saw the goodbye kiss?

OP posts:
CrystalMethHog · 30/10/2018 20:09

Just tell her everything you know. Tell her it's taken you 2 weeks because you felt so horrendous about it. You absolutely must tell her. He sounds like a massive ball bag.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 30/10/2018 20:16

I think you should tell her the truth, including that the neighbour's behaviour has made you pause for thought as to whether telling her was the right thing. And maybe that you'd hoped it wasn't true but him being there again and his subsequent behaviour has made you realise that you have to let her know.

DesertSky · 30/10/2018 20:16

OP. Just be honest. Arrange to meet her face to face and explain you’ve been put in a really difficult situation, you feel sick for having to tell her this but you value your friendship and care about her. She has a right to know. Just tell her what you saw, what the neighbour said to you etc. Tell her you’ll support her etc. It’s better she finds out now before baby is here and she needs to check herself out health wise.

Jent13c · 30/10/2018 20:17

Just go round tonight/tomorrow and tell her. If it were me I would come up with a million reasons why I shouldn't (it's been too long, shes so happy, i dont want to stress her out etc. etc.) but there is no happy ending to this story. Hes a cheat and a smug one at that and it will come out at some point, dont let it be someone else to tell her.

Her world will crash around her. She may call you a liar. She may want to distance herself from you to pretend it's not happening. But that's part of the process of grief and something she has to deal with. Just be there for her. Especially when she has the baby because that would be so tough.

Tistheseason17 · 30/10/2018 20:23

OP
You need to tell your friend about-

Seeing him at hers twice
Seeing them kissing
Neighbour's conversation with you

Stop this nonsense or you'll lose your friend. TBH, it sounds like you enjoy holding this info and not saying anything...

Thebluedog · 30/10/2018 20:29

I think unless you tell her you saw them kissing, it’s always her word (the ow), against his if he decides to deny it.

Maelstrop · 30/10/2018 20:29

The smug twat! He must be really convinced you won’t tell her. Please do tell her. I’d never forgive a friend if she knew this and didn’t tell me. She’d be far better off without him.

winterisstillcoming · 30/10/2018 20:36

Get a picture of them if you can.

eddielizzard · 30/10/2018 20:39

I also think don't lie. Tell her the truth from the beginning. And be there for her. Try to engineer the meeting so he doesn't come. Don't know how... When he's at work or when you know he's out?

LtJudyHopps · 30/10/2018 20:52

Tell her about the kiss. Otherwise your NDN will be a crazy customer who made up this story as she’s obsessed with him and he can’t get her to leave him alone.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 30/10/2018 20:52

One of my best friends found out that ex was seeing a man (had no idea he was gay obviously, we'd been together 5 years and had DS) but she never told me.

She admitted she'd known after I found out but said she didn't feel like it was her place to tell me. I don't think I have ever fully forgiven her for that.

Please tell your friend.

Janus · 30/10/2018 20:53

You have to mention the kiss else he’ll come up with some story about it being work and you being confused/jealous/in love with him!

Mivery · 30/10/2018 21:12

He only "has you over a barrel" if you continue to be a coward. Show your friend some respect and tell her what is going on now.

Eatmycheese · 30/10/2018 21:22

You owe him nothing.
You owe your pregnant, unsuspecting friend and her innocent unborn baby to be truthful regardless of the consequences or her reaction.

Ask your husband to back you up. Don't let him make you an unwitting part of his dirty little secret.

ZenNudist · 30/10/2018 21:29

I'd sit alone and tell her now preferably so she can sort her life out before the baby gets here. B is definitely going to abandon her at some point it would be best if was within her control

craftymum01 · 30/10/2018 21:30

As a PP said, take the power back from him. Tell him he's got 24 hours to tell her he is cheating, or you will. My friend was in a very similar situation and she did that. The guy told his gf and that her friend had found out. They split up and the gf thanked my friend for forcing him to be honest with her. I know no situation is the same but if it were me, I'd want to hear it from him I think. good luck, what a terrible position you are in.

KumquatQuince · 30/10/2018 21:38

No ultimatums, no games, no lies, no cover-ups, these could all backfire. Just put her first and tell her.