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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU In wanting to wipe the smug grin off his face?

254 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 17:29

Backstory

I have a friend (A) who I am fairly closewith. A got with her boyfriend (B) about 3 years ago, I always thought he was a bit of a bellend but couldn't put my finger on why.A is also currently 7 months pregnant.

2 Weeks ago
I was leaving my house at about 8.30am, and I see my neighbour kissing a man goodbye at the door and as he starts walking away, we lock eyes. It's B! His face drops, and he looks like he's going to pass out. He quickly rushes past me and turns off the street. I casually asked the neighbour
"Aww is that your new fella?"
She smiles and said "sort of. Just keeping it quiet at the moment though and see where we go."

I phone DH and tell him exactly what I saw and how I always thought he was a dodgy bastard. He must be thick to be shagging a bird who lives on the same street of As friend - he's even been to our bloody house!

DH tries to be the voice of reason, that maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, he surely wouldn't cheat on A. If I go running to A with this information and it is something fairly innocent I would look a twat and stress out a pregnant woman and I can't be getting stressed out being pregnant myself.

That night, guess who knocks on? The neighbour! B had obviously filled her in that he knows me and I'm his girlfriend's friend. Turns out my neighbour knew she was screwing a taken man, and had fell for the bullshit cliche of "I will leave her just need to find the right time"
I asked her did she know he has a heavily pregnant partner at home, she said yes but she has no guilt because B said the child was never planned A basically forced him into the baby, and it's only because of the baby why he hasn't left yet.

I asked her why on earth she would be telling me this, surely she should be trying to play it down and minimise it. Turns out the snakey cow wanted me to give A all the gorey details in the hopes she kicks B out so the neighbour can finally have him!

Me and DH discussed this at length and decided to not saying anything, as I honestly didn't want to stress her out and as people always say stay out of it.

Today

(Saw the twat leaving again yesterday morning) A has come into my salon for a catchup, and she's saying how B has been amazing throughout the pregnancy, how excited he is and they're even discussing marriage. She's in the salon for about 40 minutes before cockhead comes in.

He struts in cocky as hell, and makes the comment "people are gonna think you're following me soon"

A asks what he means, and he mentions how he saw me yesterday leaving a customers house! A just looked really confused at me and went "you never said you saw B yesterday KungFu"

I played it off as baby brain and why I didn't mention it. But never in my life have I felt the urge to inflict so much damage on someone as I did that moment in time.

He's got me over a barrel now hasn't he? I can't say anything because of how long I've left it and he would easily bullshit saying it's a customer (he's a tradesman). The only way I could prove I was telling the truth is letting A meet up with the neighbour, but A honestly doesn't deserve that does she?

Please don't tell me I should have told her 2 weeks ago, I thought I was doing the right thing but in reality I was being cowardly. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
HippoLatte · 30/10/2018 18:43

If he works then ask her last minute while you know he's working. It's a shit situation to be in but you can't let her stay in the dark.

Jux · 30/10/2018 18:43

Involve your dh, so he can distract B while you got off to do make up, hair, look at baby things with A, then take her off somewhere distant and tell her. If your neighbour comes round again record it if you can.

alwayslearning789 · 30/10/2018 18:43

"Another concern is I know I would have to do this face to face. If I say let's meet up, she could invite him (which she does lccassionally) or tell him, which could alert him."

He knows that you know
The neighbour made sure of that, coming over to see you and telling all.

Not telling her would be a greater crime than telling her - Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

So sorry OP that you have been inadvertently drawn into this situation.

Absolutely shocking behaviour on his part.

Susiesoop · 30/10/2018 18:52

I'd handle it slightly differently...I'd let him know that you can't keep this a secret from your friend. Give him a time period (short ie 24 hours) that he needs to tell your friend, otherwise you have no choice to let her know. Inform him that this will be happening as other people know, your husband etc so that he knows that he's well beyond 'this is between us'. Assuming he doesn't tell her you need to let her know swiftly, stick to the facts as you've observed them and get it done. Then it's back to being sorted between them from a relationship perspective. Let anyone concerned know (ie neighbor) that you'll neither lie for anyone nor cover anything up. And then be there for your friend.

theredjellybean · 30/10/2018 18:52

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread and someone might already have suggested this.
I'd tell him that he has 1 week to tell ndn it's over, and he tells friend and begs forgiveness or he tells your friend their relationship is over and he leaves to be with ndn or you are telling her.
I wonder if what ndn said was truly what he has said.... Ndn might be hoping you tell your friend and she gets him by default. I wonder if he has no intention of leaving your friend...

toxic44 · 30/10/2018 18:53

I would want someone to tell me, wouldn't you, OP? If nobody told me, once I found out, (which she will), I'd be asking, why on earth didn't you tell me the truth? It would feel like a betrayal.

CrazyToast · 30/10/2018 18:54

It will likely end up with her falling out with you, however that doesn't mean you shouldnt do the right thing.

Could you contact him via the new GF and say to tell her himself in the next week or you will?

Even if she doesn't believe you, you have done what is right.

tolerable · 30/10/2018 18:55

Go see littlemissheartless neighbour/stik a note through door ask bellend to give yours a knock/unless you have his number.Tell him he has an hour to tell friend that hes humping your neighbour or you will. BUT-its not a bluff. you really have to do it.

PussGirl · 30/10/2018 18:56

You must tell her.

What a shit he is Sad Angry

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 30/10/2018 18:59

You could of said to him “ yes I saw you leaving that house early yesterday too” then watch him squirm. Shithead

HollowTalk · 30/10/2018 19:01

Be a good friend to her and tell her.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 30/10/2018 19:03

Dies he know that the neighbour’s been to see you? They’re clearly at crossed purposes - he wants it kept a secret, she doesn’t.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 30/10/2018 19:04

There is no way I would keep something like this from my friend and if I were in her shoes and found out down the line that you knew but kept it from me we would no longer be friends. IMO knowing but keeping quiet makes you complicit in the lying and making a fool of her.

Oh and she will find out, of course she bloody will! In fact a dick like him might take pleasure in letting her know that her friend knew all about it but preferred to turn a blind eye Hmm. Of course nobody wants to be in this position but you are and if you have an ounce of loyalty you'll tell her.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/10/2018 19:06

If tell her and explain the first time you saw it you didn't know what to think and didn't want to stress her in her pregnancy but now see it was the wrong choice and you've seen him there again. I'd also tell her the neighbour confessed in the hope you'd tell her so she'd kick him out. Hopefully A can find a way to ensure he's burned his bridges there before she dumps him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2018 19:08

I would tell her. The sooner the better. He sounds that much of a snake that he is possibly thinking up a story right now to discredit you.... before you divulge his infidelity.

Angelf1sh · 30/10/2018 19:10

Seriously, tell your damn friend, what’s wrong with you? You absolutely should have told her two weeks ago but you didn’t and you can’t undo that but don’t compound your mistake by colluding with the shitbag to help him cover it up and make a fool of her. If you don’t tell her, you’re as bad as them and you’re not her friend.

Givemeallyourcucumber · 30/10/2018 19:11

If you tell your friend she may get upset with you, if you don't tell her and she finds out later down the line that you knew she may get get upset with you.
So if she is going to be upset with you about anything it should be because you told her the truth.

Weebitawks · 30/10/2018 19:17

Tell your friend. You can say you saw him lesving, then the neighbour came and told you everything so not to act like you are covering it up. The longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

YearOfYouRemember · 30/10/2018 19:19

I don't think he deserves 24 hours notice to confess.

Rayn · 30/10/2018 19:22

This happened to me. A friend knew about my Ex Husbands affair and did not tell me as she did not want to get involved as she did not think I would believe her and I would fall out with her.
However I did find out and when I found out she knew I could not be friends with her any longer.
The irony is I would have believed her if she told me and I would have been so grateful that she had told me! Do it!!!

Ruby55n · 30/10/2018 19:26

Your language is appalling!

confusedmomm · 30/10/2018 19:28

Such a shit situation OP, but best she finds out sooner than later

Soubriquet · 30/10/2018 19:29

As horrible as it is to be the bearer of bad news, you need to tell her

If it does come out, the last thing she needs, is him telling her you’ve been covering for him

JheronimusBosch · 30/10/2018 19:39

There is no way I would keep something like this from my friend and if I were in her shoes and found out down the line that you knew but kept it from me we would no longer be friends

This. Any friendship would be well and truly over.

OP, if she chooses not to believe it, and swallows his lies about it being a customer's house or whatever, that's her decision. You should still tell her. Anything she decides to do after that is on her, not you.

Gitfeatures · 30/10/2018 19:43

You are prioritising not wanting to give him the satisfaction of not having to break the news himself over your friendship. He is not the one that matters in this situation, your pregnant friend is.