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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU In wanting to wipe the smug grin off his face?

254 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 17:29

Backstory

I have a friend (A) who I am fairly closewith. A got with her boyfriend (B) about 3 years ago, I always thought he was a bit of a bellend but couldn't put my finger on why.A is also currently 7 months pregnant.

2 Weeks ago
I was leaving my house at about 8.30am, and I see my neighbour kissing a man goodbye at the door and as he starts walking away, we lock eyes. It's B! His face drops, and he looks like he's going to pass out. He quickly rushes past me and turns off the street. I casually asked the neighbour
"Aww is that your new fella?"
She smiles and said "sort of. Just keeping it quiet at the moment though and see where we go."

I phone DH and tell him exactly what I saw and how I always thought he was a dodgy bastard. He must be thick to be shagging a bird who lives on the same street of As friend - he's even been to our bloody house!

DH tries to be the voice of reason, that maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, he surely wouldn't cheat on A. If I go running to A with this information and it is something fairly innocent I would look a twat and stress out a pregnant woman and I can't be getting stressed out being pregnant myself.

That night, guess who knocks on? The neighbour! B had obviously filled her in that he knows me and I'm his girlfriend's friend. Turns out my neighbour knew she was screwing a taken man, and had fell for the bullshit cliche of "I will leave her just need to find the right time"
I asked her did she know he has a heavily pregnant partner at home, she said yes but she has no guilt because B said the child was never planned A basically forced him into the baby, and it's only because of the baby why he hasn't left yet.

I asked her why on earth she would be telling me this, surely she should be trying to play it down and minimise it. Turns out the snakey cow wanted me to give A all the gorey details in the hopes she kicks B out so the neighbour can finally have him!

Me and DH discussed this at length and decided to not saying anything, as I honestly didn't want to stress her out and as people always say stay out of it.

Today

(Saw the twat leaving again yesterday morning) A has come into my salon for a catchup, and she's saying how B has been amazing throughout the pregnancy, how excited he is and they're even discussing marriage. She's in the salon for about 40 minutes before cockhead comes in.

He struts in cocky as hell, and makes the comment "people are gonna think you're following me soon"

A asks what he means, and he mentions how he saw me yesterday leaving a customers house! A just looked really confused at me and went "you never said you saw B yesterday KungFu"

I played it off as baby brain and why I didn't mention it. But never in my life have I felt the urge to inflict so much damage on someone as I did that moment in time.

He's got me over a barrel now hasn't he? I can't say anything because of how long I've left it and he would easily bullshit saying it's a customer (he's a tradesman). The only way I could prove I was telling the truth is letting A meet up with the neighbour, but A honestly doesn't deserve that does she?

Please don't tell me I should have told her 2 weeks ago, I thought I was doing the right thing but in reality I was being cowardly. Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Needsmorebeans · 30/10/2018 18:18

Her world will come crashing down no matter what you do, but at the moment she has no choice in any of this because she doesn't know what has happened and she needs to know. I don't envy you one bit in telling her. She will be angry and may well believe him but I still think you have to do it.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 30/10/2018 18:18

I would distance myself from both of them...this would depend obviously on how much of a friend she is..if its a deep friendship then its different but if its a casual one I would back off and let her come to you ...you are as I see it in an impossible situation...you are going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't...You are stuck really OP cos I have been in a similar situation with a friend...I was blamed totally for not saying anything one minute,he grovelled for forgiveness she accepted it then blamed me cos my interfering nearly caused them to break up...What???!!!! still bemused now...Only said friend only wanted to hear what suited her...her and shit split up about 3 months later anyway as he just couldnt keep his pants up...either way the only person who got a headache out of all of it was me!! Its a tough one and I don't envy your situation bless you ...like I say it does depend on your level of friendship ..not easy ....

Storm4star · 30/10/2018 18:20

I also think you should tell her. To be blunt, if you were my friend and I found out afterwards that you knew all along, then I could never forgive you. Better to risk the friendship on the truth than on a lie. She may be mad/upset at first and yes, you might get caught in the crossfire but in time she will see you had her best interests at heart. If you don't tell her then you are complicit in the affair.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 30/10/2018 18:20

Davon Wow, thanks for your well thought out response. Hmm

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 30/10/2018 18:21

I think it's rather quite a stroke of luck that this has landed exactly at your door step. So many women drive themselves insane suspecting cheating or something untoward without having clear cut evidence and increasing doubts. You have an open shut case of cheating here. Tell her and ride out the ensuing storm knowing you have done the right thing.

AsleepAllDay · 30/10/2018 18:23

You have to tell her. As a friend your loyalty is to her

Yonijust · 30/10/2018 18:24

Tell her OP. Hes probably got a load of excuses though.

Turquoise123 · 30/10/2018 18:26

I think he has put you in the position that need should tell - very odd of him . Does he want you to tell ?

Jlynhope · 30/10/2018 18:27

This situation sucks for you and her. Tell her. It will suck and she might be mad at you but you know the other woman is happy to verify it, and it is the right thing to do.
There is an innocent baby about to be brought into this situation and your df deserves better.
I say all of this as the daughter of a serial cheater and narcissist.

incendio · 30/10/2018 18:27

Definitely tell her OP. It's a terrible situation but she'll find out eventually and I know it would break my heart to know that a friend knew about something like this and kept it from me.

Just tell her you didn't tell her straight away because you didn't want to rush in without knowing the truth for certain and say that you've since spoken to your neighbour about it so now you know 100%.

drinkygin · 30/10/2018 18:28

You should absolutely tell her. I don’t envy you though...such a shitty situation to be in.

OhLemons · 30/10/2018 18:29

I think he wants you to do his dirty work for him. He hasn't got the guts to tell her himself.

Sparklesocks · 30/10/2018 18:30

Just think about it you found out your partner was cheating on you. Devastated, you confide in your best friend about your heartache - her response? Oh yeah, I knew months ago.

You need to tell her. It’ll be hard but nowhere near as hard as when she (inevitably) finds out down the line.

Also he’s essentially told the other woman he’s only staying with her for the baby. Don’t you think your friend deserves to be with a man who loves her? Not one who doesn’t, and plays away with no regard for her at all.

Also god knows what STIs he might pick up - she has a right to know.

Pfingstrose · 30/10/2018 18:31

How awful. You poor friend, and poor you.

Vegetablegarden · 30/10/2018 18:32

Tell her. She needs to know it’s her whole life he’s betraying. And she doesn’t even know.

MissionItsPossible · 30/10/2018 18:32

The fact that, after he got caught and realised you were her neighbour, he went back knowing he was at risk of being seen again shows he doesn't care about her or give a fuck that he'd be at risk being seen again. Not that it would make any difference of course but if he felt guilt or shame over it then he wouldn't have gone back or met her somewhere other than her house knowing you could see him.

Tell her. You need to. Not just for your friendships sake but for her own sake.

mama17 · 30/10/2018 18:33

You really need to tell her. She deserves to know

Vegetablegarden · 30/10/2018 18:33

Also sti check - it could harm her pregnancy. He’s such an asshole.

HashTagLil · 30/10/2018 18:33

Unfortunately, you need to tell your friend OP.

Tistheseason17 · 30/10/2018 18:35

Is she a close friend?
If yes, then tell her.
And soon. The longer you leave it the worse it will get.
She is actually better off without him, even being pregnant - I bet this is not the first time he has cheated.
I would actually phone her, personally. Then leave her to make her own mind up. She may choose to stay with him and you will have to grin and bear it - and gloat on neighbour, obviously.

EK36 · 30/10/2018 18:35

I would want you to tell me. You know you need to tell her so do it.

Solenti · 30/10/2018 18:37

For her sake, tell her now. God knows how many other people he has been shagging on the side, she is at risk of catching something from him.
Be honest -I was scared to tell you and upset you. I would understand that if I was your friend. I don't think you have a choice here. She is going to be devestated, but more devestated in six month when she has a brand new baby and her "supportive partner" fucks off and everyone knew he was getting his end away while she was pregnant.

Blanchedupetitpois · 30/10/2018 18:37

I can’t believe you haven’t told her already and you really need to do so now.

Miyajima98 · 30/10/2018 18:37

Please stop worrying about rocking the boat. If she chooses to take offence and not believe you that is ultimately her choice. You know what you have seen and what is going on. She will either be ready to hear it or not, but you can't control that.
I think its clear you need to tell her and do so asap. To alleviate the chance of him turning up, perhaps you say you want to discuss something personal to you and invite her round, or better still engineer it to pop round to hers? In any case you need to arrange this asap.

As has been said, he is endangering her sexual health, not to mention her mental well being at this crucial time.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/10/2018 18:37

He definately hopes that you are the bearer of bad news ( shoot the messenger) . You tell her, she throws him out, he's the 'injured party' and moves in with your NDN.
As far as he's concerned , he wins Hmm .
But it means you'll have him living in the same street as you !

And the OW isn't necessarily hoaching with the clap, she might be practicing safe sex so your friend hopefully won;t be at risk.