Aibu to be sick of doing it all and getting sh*t for it

[nc3005]

i need a rant so please bear with me.

What is with people (i.e. my “d”p) who refuse or don’t bother to make decisions, leaving the entire burden on you to do so (talking things like holiday planning, organising budgets, joint savings and other finances, meal planning, even what to do on the weekend) and then they get pissy after the fact (sometimes way after) because you - the one who is always left to actually make the decisions/book the tickets/pay the bills/etc or it won’t happen - are “controlling”, don’t let them have ansay etc.
For the record I used to be indecisive and I think I’m a massive people pleaser. I always feel like I need someone else to “approve” before I book something, etc. For a holiday in the recent past I spent ages researching all possible flights, hotels, itineraries, budgets- repeatedly put them in front of dp hoping he’d opine on what he liked. Always the same vague “they all look good”. It ended up costing about a third more because we had left it so late. It was an amazing holiday but he recently threw it back in a row that I’d “just picked all the hotels/etc I liked” and he hadn’t had a say. He also was presented with a list of about 100 wedding venues in a 2 hour radius of us so we could pick and set up viewings. Again, he picked none. We ended up visiting some, picked a gorgeous one that he really liked. Now it’s all “you took control of our wedding planning, I didn’t get a say”. All of this really feeds my anxiety/people pleasing and lose confidence to plan or suggest anything.

I do accounts for a living, we are now combining our finances and I have recently worked out all our upcoming regular and one off expenses and how much we could afford to save for a big purchase in the next 2 years. Have offered to take him through this spreadsheet several times to see if he agrees with the figures. He either is too tired or not engaged. We are as a result a month behind on our savings target as we have yet to transfer direct debits, get our joint account etc. Whenever I raise the joint savings etc he tells me to stop being controlling, he wants “his say” etc- but he has no interest in crunching the numbers with me. If he ever does take an interest he seems happy and he never disagrees, but will throw back in arguments that I’m controlling everything.

For me, it feels like I can’t win. He is either passive aggressively refusing to engage because he disagrees, or he feels guilty that he never does anything, or he resents being so dependent on me to do the heavy lifting. Or all of the above. I keep asking for input, getting nothing, then down the line getting shit for having made the decisions. Might I add that he generally finds women in charge annoying - his SIL and Mum are “nags”, any assertive woman on tv is “annoying”, etc. His mum advised me to “let him think he’s in charge, men like it”. What is it - the 1950s?!?

I’ve half a mind to stop planning our jointly-wanted nice holiday next year until the next time he brings it up. By which time the prices will no doubt have skyrocketed.

Aibu?!?

You’re not right for each other and you mustn’t get married. I promise you you’ll find a man who is much easier for you to live with and be yourself. Your comment about the television should not have led to him ruining the evening for both of you. He was rude to interrupt your programme and most people I think would have said something. You shouldn’t have to work this hard, change yourself or keep so much inside. He’s not the one for you unless you want to throw your mental health away. Imagine this pettiness with kids to look after. Don’t do it.

Having now been married for nearly 20 years I'll admit some months have been very hard work. However, 90% of the time it's easy, fun, companionable, joyful, giving, caring, loving and a partnership were you want the best for each other. You deserve better.

To borrow your own phrase, all of this is to bring you to heel, all the time. The deliberately contradictory treatment of you is make you constantly insecure, always second guessing what he's going to have a tantrum about.

The nice is a front. If he behaved like an abusive dickhead all the time, you'd leave straightaway. He has to put on the generous, funny act sometimes, so he can reel you back in when you're thinking about chucking the whole thing in.

Can you imagine a lifetime of this? Years of his tantrums when you're struggling with newborn babies and toddlers, and he engineers a row so he can bugger off to bed, leaving you with all the chores and all the child-wrangling?

You're not married yet, if I've understood correctly. You still have an easy escape route. You alluded to the sunk costs fallacy earlier- it sounds like it's time to think about writing off those sunk costs and looking for genuine love and happiness.

Yes, you do sound very confused. It is confusing because you can't work out where you're going wrong, no matter how hard you try. You're not doing anything wrong though. I would have felt confused, embarrassed and angry too. Those seem like completely normal and valid reactions to me.

He's just lying isn't he. Outright lying.

'I didn't have my say' (god I hate that phrase) well, he did have every chance to 'have his say' - he ignored you 'you just chose' - nope, you didn't. He is lying about you. Don't stand for it. Lose your temper if you have to, but do not accept this.

How old is he op? Because he's acting like a stroppy teenager. Wants everything handed to him on a plate, but will also bitch about everything. Can be lovely, but only if you watch your step. Some men never grow up. Do you want to be married to a stroppy teenager forever?

Seriously I don't think he even likes you!

You wouldn't take this crap from a friend so why would you take it from a boyfriend?

That's the leveler.

If you parent get out and cancel the wedding think how much harder this will be when you're married.
Talk to your mum,get out as soon as you can.

Why you feel so crap is he is constantly gaslight ING you..... He is NOT a nice, decent man....

He thinks he can treat you how the fuck he wants... Sadly .

Please find some one who is worthy of your love... Rather than this bastard...

Please know this...You DONT NEED HIS PERMISSION TO LEAVE...

That's pure gaslighting, that thing this evening. You were making a perfectly reasonable request, he went off his nut, and then made out that you were the one going off on one. You feel like maybe, because you know how to not provoke him, that it might be your fault - but for it not to be your fault would mean you have to never disagree with him and never have any needs of your own. That is coercive control.

You feel scared of him leaving because you're in the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - but there is really nothing to be scared about in losing him.

If you're interested in some background reading, the book <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.de/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/289845/why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/9780425191651/&ved=2ahUKEwjg4qehyrLeAhUFJFAKHQZ3BLoQFjAOegQICBAB&usg=AOvVaw1Qhp6mWyQq9kkHB_O4tSeI" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Why Does He Do That is very good on the dynamics of this sort of behaviour.

Thankyou all for all of these posts. Honestly, it has seriously helped me. My original post was off the back of some frustration on budgets and then i suddenly saw links with other stuff in our relationship where, as pps have noted, he acts like a stroppy teenager if he is gainsaid. He think he is entitled to everything- a Mum, a PA, an invincibly smiling girlfriend. Reminds me of that bit in gone girl- “who laughs in a loving, chagrined manner, likes every single thing he likes and never complains”. He DOES want that. We didn’t talk after I got upset last night and I went to bed feeling so rubbish, completely aghast as to how the evening derailed like that. But then than how I felt about wedding planning in the end, and anything else that is “joint”- we can not communicate and it’s not fun to talk about anymore because it’s fraught with minefields. I used to look forward to time with him so much and have fun, now I feel this sense of dread around him because he gets set off by : disagreements/ being too tired/ not being able to work something like a gadget / the cat being too noisy / etc. I tried to tell him in the past I get nervous to bring stuff up with him and he told me that’s how he feels about me!!! Is it possible that he feels all this anxiety and fear and resentment about me too? I feel like I don’t know which way is up anymore. In a relationship I’ve never felt this SCARED. Not of a physical threat just scared of the anger and sulking and tightrope walking.

In a relationship I’ve never felt this SCARED. Not of a physical threat just scared of the anger and sulking and tightrope walking.

Because it's not a healthy relationship in any way. This person is waving more red flags than a Labour convention. This is NO way to start a marriage or live at all. He is manipulative, he has huge potential for emotional abuse. It's gradual. He's ramping up.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter why he acts like he does. The fact he does it, and doesn’t acknowledge it, nor it’s impsct on you, is the important thing. You need to stop worrying about him and put all your energy into yourself. Let it go and all of that.

Please go, please. He is tying you up in knots. He will ruin your self confidence and MH. Surely you see that you can't possibly marry someone you dread being around? The whole conversation this evening demonstrates that wherever you are and however hard you try, he will always, always put you in the wrong. He will literally change course in midstream so you are always wrong.

DH and I have been together 15 years and j still feel nothing but happy and pleased when he comes home. You can't live this way. Please go.

On the positive side, you have learn what 'doesnt work' in a relationship and can avoid those types.

Think about leaving.

Think about having a happy relationship - look for different types of partner. Don't be trapped again.

He may not be doing it deliberately, he may not be, or become, truly emotionally abusive/coercively controlling. However he won’t change and you owe it to yourself (maybe both of you?) to walk away now and not condemn yourselves to a miserable marriage. Good luck.

Thing is we are happy a lot. We have a lot in common, we laugh a lot, we have a lot of adventures together. We want the same things in life and support each other’s careers. It’s just like his emotional abilities in a relationship are stuck at where I remember being when I was at university!! Before me he has not had a live in partner and he has always gone for a string of more casual relationships of (usually younger) girls. However he is over 30 so what’s the excuse! It’s just like - he doesn’t get how teenage his reactions are- sulks, refusing to engage, eye rolling, accusing me of “telling him off”, raising voice when I ask him not to, going “fine! Just tell me how you want me to be then/ fine! I’ll never say anything again then!” It’s so frustrating as I still care about how he feels, about listening to him if he wants to raise an issue, but increasingly I feel like his Mum or his nagging boss. My anxiety has ramped up and I’ve missed a couple of days of work due to just feeling panicked about him leaving which he also threatens a lot.
But I am scared of asking him to leave or leaving myself. I’m financially ok and have a good job but I don’t have many close friends since moving jobs and also don’t tend to do much on my own anymore as he always wants to tag along or if I don’t include him he gets upset or says I don’t want him there (even stuff like meeting a female friend for a catch-up or meeting a family member.) I do think he is just quite needy himself and I wouldn’t mind that but then he doesn’t acknowledge MY needs!!

Throwing back to the original topic- when I was trying to get him to talk last night he told me if I hadn’t “refused to drop it” and “made such a big deal of it”, he would have wanted to talk about our holiday plans!! As if I could have known that as it’s the first time in ages he’s actually wanted to discuss it and now I feel shit that I ruined the opportunity for us to discuss the holiday.

FOG is right. Have begun to read about this more.

Surely you see that you can't possibly marry someone you dread being around?

^ this.

now I feel shit that I ruined the opportunity for us to discuss the holiday

No you didn't he said that to spite you he said that because he knows it will upset you. He's in control and you let him.

And your responce should've been ' well you can plan and book the holiday darling, I'll leave all the decisions to you, let me know what dates to book off work and how much I owe you, thank you that's one less worry for me'

Turn it round!!

Same with anything he complains about - make it his task.

You didn't ruin that opportunity, he's using that as another way to make you feel like shit.

Can you honestly say you want to spend the rest of your life with a man child?

Because that's what he is, emotionally.

You need to get out this relationship. His tactics are to try and ensure you won't feel like you can/should.

You've started seeing through his manipulative behaviour. Keep seeing through it.

Dais's DP is like this, he hates planning things and says it makes him anxious to have set things to do (down to going out for dinner later the same damn day). So, she either never gets to do anything or he says she's stressing him out.

All very odd and controlling. I think it's a form of gaslighting - like they want you to think you're controlling when you're just being a normal human

Really think.... About your last message...

So you have fun??

What proportion of the time are you feeling loving/relaxed around him and what proportion of the time are you being shouted at, 'negged', and generally walking on eggshells..??

Just think about the last 2 weeks for example....
Write it down... Monday to Friday and weekends.... How many of these re you feeling happy on?? My guess is precious few... Or only when things are going EXACTLY his way... And as his trigger for this behavior is set quite low... (You just existing).

Just WHY are you tolerating this??

It's no surprise to me he's had numerous short term casual relationships with younger women... It a classic...

What was he like when you started being together??

wisewoman I have experienced similar because dp says that he finds it hard to understand/read texts about plans/decisions so “talk about it later” but then we never do really talk about it or he’s equally useless when we do talk. He works in a very data driven Technology role (senior level) and has a first in his university degree so it seems hard to swallow that he can’t read or understand texts if they require decision making it’s lkke a delaying tactic. I work in communciations and my field requires extremely clear communication as I work with a lot of non native English speakers so I don’t think my texts are hard to understand..