Aibu to be sick of doing it all and getting sh*t for it

[nc3005]

i need a rant so please bear with me.

What is with people (i.e. my “d”p) who refuse or don’t bother to make decisions, leaving the entire burden on you to do so (talking things like holiday planning, organising budgets, joint savings and other finances, meal planning, even what to do on the weekend) and then they get pissy after the fact (sometimes way after) because you - the one who is always left to actually make the decisions/book the tickets/pay the bills/etc or it won’t happen - are “controlling”, don’t let them have ansay etc.
For the record I used to be indecisive and I think I’m a massive people pleaser. I always feel like I need someone else to “approve” before I book something, etc. For a holiday in the recent past I spent ages researching all possible flights, hotels, itineraries, budgets- repeatedly put them in front of dp hoping he’d opine on what he liked. Always the same vague “they all look good”. It ended up costing about a third more because we had left it so late. It was an amazing holiday but he recently threw it back in a row that I’d “just picked all the hotels/etc I liked” and he hadn’t had a say. He also was presented with a list of about 100 wedding venues in a 2 hour radius of us so we could pick and set up viewings. Again, he picked none. We ended up visiting some, picked a gorgeous one that he really liked. Now it’s all “you took control of our wedding planning, I didn’t get a say”. All of this really feeds my anxiety/people pleasing and lose confidence to plan or suggest anything.

I do accounts for a living, we are now combining our finances and I have recently worked out all our upcoming regular and one off expenses and how much we could afford to save for a big purchase in the next 2 years. Have offered to take him through this spreadsheet several times to see if he agrees with the figures. He either is too tired or not engaged. We are as a result a month behind on our savings target as we have yet to transfer direct debits, get our joint account etc. Whenever I raise the joint savings etc he tells me to stop being controlling, he wants “his say” etc- but he has no interest in crunching the numbers with me. If he ever does take an interest he seems happy and he never disagrees, but will throw back in arguments that I’m controlling everything.

For me, it feels like I can’t win. He is either passive aggressively refusing to engage because he disagrees, or he feels guilty that he never does anything, or he resents being so dependent on me to do the heavy lifting. Or all of the above. I keep asking for input, getting nothing, then down the line getting shit for having made the decisions. Might I add that he generally finds women in charge annoying - his SIL and Mum are “nags”, any assertive woman on tv is “annoying”, etc. His mum advised me to “let him think he’s in charge, men like it”. What is it - the 1950s?!?

I’ve half a mind to stop planning our jointly-wanted nice holiday next year until the next time he brings it up. By which time the prices will no doubt have skyrocketed.

Aibu?!?

Of course he wants to join finances, he's then absolved of any responsibility!

Do no merge your money. Do not arrange travel to his family. His family = his responsibility. In short, just stop.

I agree with PP - he's gaslighting you and comes across like a whiny brat. He's a misogynistic manchild.

In your position I would be thinking very carefully about an exit strategy.

I definitely wouldn't join money with someone who's shit with it. That never ends well.

He calls you bossy? He can fuck right off. Its a sexist word used to keep us in our place. We shouldnt show any initiative or leadership - those qualities are for men. We're supposed to go along with it and support.

As pps have said this isnt a partnership. You are bearing the mental load. This will not improve with marriahe and will get worse when children enter the equation. Could you trust him to look after a baby properly while you go out? Or will he ignore your instructions, harm the baby in some way and then leave you to deal with the consequences.

Please leave him. Because you sound really lovely and thoughtful, and you deserve someone equally lovely who will participate in a partnership with you.

Could you just accept that maybe for one year there will be no holiday, no home visit?

Tell him (it would be great if it was in written form too) that because he thinks you are controlling, you are leaving x, y and z for him to arrange and will have no input. Then leave him to it - no reminders or memory jogs (tell him you won't be reminding him either). Sit back and watch him flounder - and STILL try to blame it on you.

If he does arrange something tell him it's shit

What’s happening is that he gets you to do everything, ensure he gets what he wants, but with no responsibility. So he gets his nice big wedding, but if it doesn’t pan out the way he thought it would, or the cake is shit, or people complain the booze is too expensive, he can shift all the blame onto you..

The flights were too expensive (because he didn’t give you the info you needed to book them early enough) therefore it’s your fault, and if you’d done it differently they would be cheaper.

You really do need to hand it over to him. He wants to go somewhere at Xmas - there you go dear, I’m making an effort not to be controlling so you sort it this year.
He’s a grown man and I bet a pound to a penny he’d be capable of doing it himself if you weren’t around
Sorry but if anyone said I was controlling I’d not be marrying

If you didn't feel anxious about him bringing up the controlling bit afterwards he would have no power over you. So when he starts that bullshit just let rip saying cut this right now..you dithered and dithered..dont put your stuff on me....back off right now. Then he may realise his accusations get him nowhere and he is wasting his breath. You are not controlling so he doesn't get to decide you are.
Its a horrible habit he has got into so once he sees it gets him no where he may quit.
This Christmas do not mention going to his family. Let him plan. If he brings it up just say..l'm sure you will sort it ...no other comment. Keep your comments simple do not go into big explanations .
And keep your money separate. Do not go into big explanations just say l think its best for the moment.

I'm exhausted just reading your posts op. How much better would your life be without this lazy, entitled, selfish, ungrateful man who bullies you and makes you feel like carp for just getting on with things that would otherwise not be done? I don't mean to sound today, genuinely interested. He is sucking you dry emotionally and financially.

You're not married yet! I missed that, please don't marry him!

Sending you hugs and strength, you're a stronger woman than I. I would have stopped doing ANYTHING for him LONG ago.

Please save some energy for YOU. Stop doing things for him.

Oh yeah, don't marry him op!!

Just stop doing stuff. No need to have a big strop about it, just don't do things and if he says he'd like to do anything respond with a vague 'that sounds lovely' or 'great idea' and wait for him to do it or not. If it doesn't happen and he asks why, just say you were waiting for him.

It may wake him up, it may not, but at least you can have the debate then without being called controlling.

He is setting you up to fail every time OP, he is absolving himself of any decision making, any adult responsibility for finances and then when things do not go as he imagined it is your fault! I would guess that this is a line he spins his family also, "Oh we would have done x,y,z only NC was not organised/lazy/unwilling.

I was with someone like this and he used me as an excuse to avoid whatever he did not feel like doing, all the time breaking down my confidence as anything I did was "wrong". For the love of everything do not join finances with this man, you have already said that he is hopeless managing his own money, so what is he going to be like when he has access to yours? He will not suddenly become responsible with your money while mismanaging his own.

My advice is let him handle his family obligations, trips, flights whatever, then when not done it is on him, step back and delay your wedding and give serious consideration to your future here, do you really want to be married to a man who resents you stepping in to carry the weight of the work he refuses to do, being married to an overgrown petulant child get tired fast.

You sound like me. I have been in two relationships with similar issues.

One, she never wanted to make a decision about anything e.g. quiet night in, it was always on me to pick a film as 'she didn't mind'. Occasionally I would suggest lets go for something she has picked, I would push a bit but she would refuse over and over. I even suggested once I pick a few movies I wouldn't mind seeing and then she could make the final choice (because surely there would be one she would prefer to see or think she'd enjoy a bit more). This stemmed across everything - restaurant choices, whether I came over, when to sleep. It's not nice to always have the pressure of being the one to make all the decisions so I understand your pain.

The other, she was just not a planner whereas I like to plan, she preferred to just wing things - which I don't mind to an extent but you at least need to agree if we are going to X we should get up at Y and try to leave by Z so we have time to do this one thing we def want to do and then we can do whatever else. It was a struggle to even do that and often found we were later than I hoped and didn't always get everything we wanted to do done.

In both cases, with time it just proved we were incompatible. I would suggest you two may be as well. You need to have an upfront discussion about this behaviour, its potential causes and how he would see a better process for decision making going forward. If this is unsuccessful I would consider cancelling the wedding. You would be much happier with a partner who enjoys planning and the benefits that brings (less stress, lower costs, more efficient, getting everything you want to do done or as perfect as possible).

OP, the post where you say you just want to know why reminds me the diary I kept during a very bad relationship with a man: pages and pages detailing all his unreasonable behaviour towards me and asking why?. Reading it later it was obvious that the answer was that he was using and abusing me, because he could. There was no more satisfactory answer.
I agree with PPs that you should seriously consider whether it's a good idea to marry this man.

My DP doesn’t do this (just in case he is reading) but he does sort of just not do stuff which need arranging (like jabs/school places/lunchboxes/arranging parties/seeing family etc) and he does moan if I ask and jokes that I haven’t given him a choice etc. So I started to delegate. For example he does all of the car stuff, financial stuff around the kids (child allowance, tax free childcare, applying for free hours, paying for school trips/nursery fees etc). He enjoys doing it and it HAS to be done. Not like a holiday etc which is optional. Can you give him some task which he can’t get out of? Then he is taking control of it?

The deal is you don’t ask about it. Let it go, as they say.

OP can I tell you a story about my dad? my mum was emotionally abusive to him (and me) all through their marriage - a lot of it with my dad was achieved through indirect methods of sulking, triangulating with other people ("so and so saw you at the pub last night and he was laughing at how drunk you'd been" - when he'd had three beers, that sort of thing), gaslighting, throwing up 300 obstacles any time my dad wanted to do something she didn't like - but abuse it was, and these days you'd call it coercive control. When I was an adult, whenever I saw my dad he would complain bitterly and at length about her latest outrage and I'd agree with him that she was unreasonable... and I think what would happen was that he was so relieved to have his own version of reality validated, that he just sort of enjoyed the feeling of relief and never took it the next step further to actually leave. He never did leave - he got lung cancer nearly 10 years ago and died in his bed at home with my mother creating her usual punch and judy show all around him.

I think you posted about the flights situation last year didn't you OP? It sounds familiar. But you're still there and it's not got any better. Do you want to still be doing this in five years' time? But married, and possibly with kids? Really? Please don't let your sense of relief at being in the right lull you into thinking that it's going to get better. It'll get worse.

This man isn’t for you, you need to leave this relationship. Do it while you still are in this frame of mind as I suspect he will just turn on the charm if he thinks you are considering leaving, just for long enough to reel you in again and make you doubt your own mind and remember all his good points. Don’t worry about the money spent on the wedding, it’ll be cheaper than a divorce and all the therapy you’ll need if you stay with him.

Rows, weapons, eggshells, calling you bossy, turning your wedding plans into a battleground....

OP, these are all signs of a relationship that is not working at all. A couple about to get married should be enjoying the planning, really want to make each other happy and not be slinging insults like”bossy”. I had a relationship in which I felt continually on edge like you, but I thought he was amazing...fortunately it ended and it was only when I got together with DH that I realised how relaxing and nurturing a relationship with the right person can be. I think before that i sort of thought relationships had to be hard and worked at. They really don’t. You deserve better. Get out now.

Ok, I don't normally shout but...

DON'T MARRY HIM.

This is not a normal relationship. You are basically his home secretary who then gets criticized for doing her job. If it were an actual workplace job, you would have a case for bullying and constructive dismissal.

Step back, put the wedding on hold, keep your finances separate and have a good think about what you get out of this relationship. Because it really won't get better.

Jesus wept! You are not compatible. At all. He's a gaslighting, sexist twat and you'd be an utter fool to ever marry him, join finances with him, depend on him financially or the like. You probably won't listen, and will wind up on the Relationships board in a couple of years because you were so desperate to have kids you married an arsehole and now it's gone tits up. He delegates all responsibility to you so he can blame you for everything. He's at heart an immature, irresponsible sexist. Marry an adult! If you want a child or two and no man is on the horizon, use a sperm donor. It's better than being married to a git. His mothers words, repeat them to yourself over and over.

He walked out a few weeks ago to bring me to heel.said the rows etc were “destroying him” I panicked and begged him to stay but tbh now I’m out of the hysterical bonding mode I realise the only time he ever gets angry and only time we really ever row is because I’ve challenged him on something and he literally cannot believe it. Easy way to keep the peace with him is just agree always and never ask him for anything (input, time, money unless he thought of it) or these will be stored up as bitter resentments that cause a fight eventually as he’s “bottled up how he’s felt for so long” and I’M(!!) the cause of our problems because he never wanted that wedding, never wanted that flight, thought we should have spent x more on Xmas presents, ad nauseam — but never said it at the time in the context of a normal joint decision making process!! I do feel used and abused! Last time we rowed it was because he’d agreed to drive to the rubbish tip with me (as I couldn’t stand tripping over a broken appliance in our hall for another 3 months!!) but he revealed on the day he had never actually wanted to go to the tip (I can’t drive so really needed his help on this occasion) and thusly i “treat him like a silent partner”.

Urghhhhh

Such a shame you let him back. It will only get worse and you really shouldn’t be arguing this much even before you’re married. I bet if you dare question him he turns it all back on you “yes I’m useless”, “yes I’m a rubbish partner” etc etc until you can’t face doing it anymore and he gets to continue being a useless shitbag.

LEAVE HIM!

This is my first EVER LTB....

Just DON'T marry him/OR live with him... He wants to bring you to heel?? Fuck that...

Have you thought of an alternative reality?? One with a man who doesn't argue over every tiny decision that he refuses to make... So he can blame you.... Ad nauseum...

It's coercive, its shit, it's not a life you deserve...

If you marry him... Do you seriously, honestly think, he'll change?? (PS the answer is no!)... Ever??

Do you really want your life to continue like this?? Really?

"To bring you to heel" YOU ARE NOT A DOD!! Please, please don't let anyone treat you like this. He sounds sounds controlling, and nasty tbh.

Dog, obviously!