Aibu to be sick of doing it all and getting sh*t for it

[nc3005]

i need a rant so please bear with me.

What is with people (i.e. my “d”p) who refuse or don’t bother to make decisions, leaving the entire burden on you to do so (talking things like holiday planning, organising budgets, joint savings and other finances, meal planning, even what to do on the weekend) and then they get pissy after the fact (sometimes way after) because you - the one who is always left to actually make the decisions/book the tickets/pay the bills/etc or it won’t happen - are “controlling”, don’t let them have ansay etc.
For the record I used to be indecisive and I think I’m a massive people pleaser. I always feel like I need someone else to “approve” before I book something, etc. For a holiday in the recent past I spent ages researching all possible flights, hotels, itineraries, budgets- repeatedly put them in front of dp hoping he’d opine on what he liked. Always the same vague “they all look good”. It ended up costing about a third more because we had left it so late. It was an amazing holiday but he recently threw it back in a row that I’d “just picked all the hotels/etc I liked” and he hadn’t had a say. He also was presented with a list of about 100 wedding venues in a 2 hour radius of us so we could pick and set up viewings. Again, he picked none. We ended up visiting some, picked a gorgeous one that he really liked. Now it’s all “you took control of our wedding planning, I didn’t get a say”. All of this really feeds my anxiety/people pleasing and lose confidence to plan or suggest anything.

I do accounts for a living, we are now combining our finances and I have recently worked out all our upcoming regular and one off expenses and how much we could afford to save for a big purchase in the next 2 years. Have offered to take him through this spreadsheet several times to see if he agrees with the figures. He either is too tired or not engaged. We are as a result a month behind on our savings target as we have yet to transfer direct debits, get our joint account etc. Whenever I raise the joint savings etc he tells me to stop being controlling, he wants “his say” etc- but he has no interest in crunching the numbers with me. If he ever does take an interest he seems happy and he never disagrees, but will throw back in arguments that I’m controlling everything.

For me, it feels like I can’t win. He is either passive aggressively refusing to engage because he disagrees, or he feels guilty that he never does anything, or he resents being so dependent on me to do the heavy lifting. Or all of the above. I keep asking for input, getting nothing, then down the line getting shit for having made the decisions. Might I add that he generally finds women in charge annoying - his SIL and Mum are “nags”, any assertive woman on tv is “annoying”, etc. His mum advised me to “let him think he’s in charge, men like it”. What is it - the 1950s?!?

I’ve half a mind to stop planning our jointly-wanted nice holiday next year until the next time he brings it up. By which time the prices will no doubt have skyrocketed.

Aibu?!?

Have you read many threads on the Relationships board?? I think you will learn a lot there about controlling partners and emotional abuse. Good luck x

Finally divorced, I thought I could change him, he was just like this, except I'd budget to the bone making my money stretch then he'd splash out on big gesture gifts, whilst i wondered why we were so skint every month.
Since the divorce, i make collaborative decisions where appropriate with the children, and I haven't used more than £25 of my overdraft for months.
Do not marry him, please. Keep your money separate, and for heavens sake don't have a baby with him.

Just say to him that you don’t want him to feel like he doesn’t get any say so from now on he can present you with a few choices that HE likes and you will offer your opinion. Sounds like you’re doing a superb job that a worthy partner would appreciate you for!

I would hold off joining finances for a bit, as someone upthread said, take out two accounts and put money in individually.

As for holidays, next time he brings a subject up and says you’re controlling tell him (not ask), that you’re sick of putting choices in front of him, him not making a decision and you being accused of being controlling, and as such he’s now responsible for booking the holiday. Then let the fucker moan when he doesn’t get a holiday.

Have you spoken to him, separately of any discussion about a specific discussion and given examples of his behaviour? What would he say if you showed him this thread

I'd sit down when you're both relaxed and getting on and explain you don't feel like you both communicate well when it comes to decisions and you feel upset when he isn't engaged but then criticises your choices. That you feel frustrated he doesn't appreciate the effort you go to to organise things for both of you. Give a few examples. Say he doesn't seem happy with the final outcome and ask him what you can both do to make him happier with the outcome of joint plans and decisions

I think how he reacts to this will be very telling. If he suddenly realises how bad he's acting and apologises and asks you to point out when he's doing this behaviour or he promises to have more input or take joint responsibility then fair enough. If he starts calling you a nag just for having this discussion then he is a twat who just wants someone to moan at and it will never end.

Next holiday or whatever I'd get him to sign something saying he's happy with all the choices and thanks for organising them and then whip this out when he starts moaning

Sounds shit OP.

Is he the same everywhere? Eg are you the one who has to instigste affection/sex as well?

I have to say I totally agree with how WhiteVixen put it earlier up the thread..he does know what he is doing,he does know how upsetting it is for you to feel insecure and worried and he is fine doing this to you,It is awful controlling behaviour OP...he is keeping you dangling and messing with your mental health,It is this now but what could it all become?

My ex was a bit like this except he waited til he fucked off with ow and then blamed it on me for treating him like a child and making all the decisions. Moving house I specifically remember doing all the legwork, researching etc but made a point of asking him point blank if he did or did not want to move to x house and that we wouldn't if he said no. He said yes, liked it more than me in fact and we did. Couple of years later I had 'nagged' and pushed him into it. If we watched a film, I got in the habit of choosing one of 'his' because if it was a 'me' type film he'd just fall asleep in ten minutes (including at the cinema). There are lots of other examples but you get the idea. It's draining and soul destroying, even more so when kids are involved and it's all down to you to research / choose the buggy, car seat, method of weaning, school etc and then be criticised because they aren't right. Please have a serious think / Talk before progressing this any further.

"This is all for you to handle now, Darling..."

And refuse to do any of it. What does he actually do OP?

Also Op "he is loving, supportive, generous" no... no... no... he is not.

You are clearly not suited but branding him as the bad guy is unproductive.

My ex used to be like you. Where are we going on holiday? Choose the place, look at the hotel, book the flights, what do you want to do at the weekend, you still haven't decided what we are doing for Christmas. - etc etc. It is exhausting. I felt I was constantly pressured to choose, to plan, to do something. It had to be planned and decided and organized. Leave me alone!!! I don't want to think about bloody Christmas - I want to relax - see what happens, live life as it comes.
Of course some planning has to be done. ( I had a job and a home and two kids) - but not everyone wants to live the way you do. He is not gaslighting, (word of the moment), or evil, any more than you are controlling. You are just different. Find someone who shares your love of making plans and you'll be happy.

Mrsreacher I take your point. But I don’t know what went on in your relationship, however I can say that sometimes planning or not planning is the difference between being able to do something and not. Case in point his family live abroad and he always wants to go there around Xmas. Flights there at Xmas get expensive very fast, we are talking you need to book at the end of summer. Fine but every single time it falls to me to check the flights, check the car hire, ask his input on dates/booking time off work/etc on a few different occasions, watch the total price creep up by £200 yes this is what really happened last year.) We finally booked and while there had a big row because he “really” wanted to go earlier, and I had “forced” him into the dates “I” wanted. When all along he had had the different options and if it had really been up to me I’d have booked way earlier and saved a chunk of cash!

Also, he does have big ideas that he wants to see come to fruition. He wanted a big white wedding literally three times the size of what I wanted. This informed the choice of venue, budget etc. None of which he bothered to put input into, except to tell me in a later row that I had gone and picked the venue “I” wanted (all I had wanted was a registry office ceremony!) furthermore he had no idea how we were going to save and pay for this wedding becahse despite high salary he has almost no savings, every time I broached a savings plan I was “controlling” etc. While the months ticked by and we had wedding expenses mounting up. For a big wedding HE wanted!

Yes, maybe some people don’t like to plan too much, want to “see what life brings” but he is someone who actually wants the end result without making any effort towards it and then taking it out on the person left to make it happen, in defiance of the facts. I mean I guess I could just stop planning next years holiday or our Christmas present budget but those things will still be expected to work out by him. They just will cost us both a hell of a lot more for no reason.

I guess what I really want to know is: why? Why does this get used as a weapon against me whenever we have a row? He is someone who leans so heavily on me and yet seems so deep down angry about it. Why doesn’t he just get involved when he wants to? Why can’t he be my partner? Or at least, like previous posters have said, just be glad that someone else is picking up his slack?
Why would anyone “control” in this way? Isn’t it counter productive since he presumably doesn’t want to stop being lazy/me to stop doing stuff for him/us, but he is fast making me too nervous to do it anymore.

I think the more pertinent question is why you are with him and why you married him. He sounds like an exhausting gaslighter.

He's delegating responsibility to you vecause he's lazy and entitked....then picking you apart.

He's a grade A fucknugget, and you need to assess this relationship very carefully. This will not get better once you are married. It'll get worse becat it'll be your 'wifely responsibility'. What next after arguing? It's almost a step down the lane to DV really, isn't it? Woman makes "wrong" decision and gets a black eye for it. Just because it's not physical doesn't mean his behaviour is acceptable.

Run. Make plans and find an actual grown up to marry.

My ex was a bit like this too, passive in the extreme but he seemed to resent me for having the gumption to make things happen. I used to be a people pleaser too. In the end I realised I was going to get it in the neck anyway so I might as well just do whatever I wanted!

In the end what I wanted was to get rid of a 10 stone deadweight.

I think there are three options:

1. he is deliberately breaking down your confidence.

Or

1. He likes you doing the organising but is afterwards ashamed of his laziness so lashes out and pretends he didn’t need you to

Or

1. He would actually prefer to not plan stuff and just go with the flow but he’s too spineless to say so.

My moneys on 2. I don’t think many men are as calculating as 1.

Ultimately though it doesn’t matter why if he’s not interested in changing. I wouldn’t marry him or join finances.

You are looking at it all wrongly op. The question is not why does he do that? Because that is how he is and has shown you to be all along. He will not change. This is the true character of the man you say you love.

If you want a successful marriage the question you should be asking yourself is: how can I change MYSELF so that I don't get upset by him?

Think about it. You have entered into a deeply dysfunctional dynamic with someone who is so unreasonable he will have the capacity to make you doubt yourself and your sanity.

He is so toxic to your mental health you are on the path which could well plunge you into depression and erode your self esteem.

Start by changing the dynamic. Leave any admin that involves him to him.

That way you cannot be blamed. Keep calm and do not engage.

Whatever you do do not have achild with this man. It is a toxic enough dynamic already without making yourself even more vulnerable.

He has the capability to bring you down so you need to find strategies which don't allow him to do that. Be on your guard. There are lots of self help books out there for women in your exact same position.

Good luck

I think whether or not he's consciously aware of what he's doing doesn't really matter.

You say you're becoming too nervous to do anything. This is what happens. Everything you do is met with negativity, you become confused and unsure, constantly questioning your decisions to the point where you're unable to make one. It's like living in a box that reduces in size all the time until you can't move in any direction without hitting the wall, so you learn to just stand still.

For your own sake, start looking into how to stop being a people pleaser.

I hope you can look at him through a different non rose tinted lenses op.

He is seriously toxic to your mental health whether by design or accident.

Visualise being ready in your full suit of armour and decontamination suit whenever you have any dealing with him so that you can emerge unscathed.

Start by keeping a diary and record every single incident with dates and keep a chart of your feelings just so that you can keep objective to how he treats you.

Otherwise you will be a shadow of your former self without even realising it.

Start today.

Have you told him that the things he says are making you want to tiptoe around him and how it makes you feel?

Tell him and also tell him that it stops now. That he is doing the organising from now on. Don't join finances just yet, there just is no need. I've been with husband for nearly a decade and we've never done it. There are other ways to save.

I'd be very careful. If you let this continue, you'll end up unable to make any decisions without being told you are controlling. My ex was like this, left me to make every decision then moaned about my choices. Gradually, he complained more and more that I was controlling - he never felt like our flat was his home as I chose everything for it (and paid for it!) and so on. If I'd waited for him to decide things, they'd never get done, he's such a procrastinator. This escalated into him verbally abusing me, telling me it was his turn to decide things now, making me out to be some kind of monster and basically becoming very controlling himself. Eventually I had no say in anything and he had taken over all the finances. If I complained I was trying to abuse him and was turning into my awful mother.

Assuming your situation isn't as serious as mine, I would document every discussion you have about every decision. So email or text questions about holidays etc and log these. Then when he claims he's not had a say, you can show him exactly when you asked for his input and what his responses were. Seeing it in black and white may help.

What made you leave him Roomba? (So glad you did).

He was actually the one very keen to join finances. Despite not having done any legwork into a potential joint budget, etc and any budgets I suggested were met with irritation and the claim that he’s not “getting his say” on how much we should spend/save (despite never looking at any figures!!) and uncomfortable procrastination about committing to things like switching direct debits to a joint account, starting a joint savings account, etc. But he was pushing for joint finances and as soon as I got on board I was this controlling person. He is so bad with money, no idea what things cost and reckons he is underpaid (his compensation is about £90k). Now I am so sick of suggesting a joint plan that I have decided not to join finances totally. I will continue to save what I think I need to save and (as I have done the math) I know crucial wedding costs are covered. Still rankles me since I didn’t even want this big wedding. I think I need to educate myself about sunk costs..
This thread is helping me get angry. Before I was just second behaving myself.

*second guessing