Aibu to be sick of doing it all and getting sh*t for it

[nc3005]

i need a rant so please bear with me.

What is with people (i.e. my “d”p) who refuse or don’t bother to make decisions, leaving the entire burden on you to do so (talking things like holiday planning, organising budgets, joint savings and other finances, meal planning, even what to do on the weekend) and then they get pissy after the fact (sometimes way after) because you - the one who is always left to actually make the decisions/book the tickets/pay the bills/etc or it won’t happen - are “controlling”, don’t let them have ansay etc.
For the record I used to be indecisive and I think I’m a massive people pleaser. I always feel like I need someone else to “approve” before I book something, etc. For a holiday in the recent past I spent ages researching all possible flights, hotels, itineraries, budgets- repeatedly put them in front of dp hoping he’d opine on what he liked. Always the same vague “they all look good”. It ended up costing about a third more because we had left it so late. It was an amazing holiday but he recently threw it back in a row that I’d “just picked all the hotels/etc I liked” and he hadn’t had a say. He also was presented with a list of about 100 wedding venues in a 2 hour radius of us so we could pick and set up viewings. Again, he picked none. We ended up visiting some, picked a gorgeous one that he really liked. Now it’s all “you took control of our wedding planning, I didn’t get a say”. All of this really feeds my anxiety/people pleasing and lose confidence to plan or suggest anything.

I do accounts for a living, we are now combining our finances and I have recently worked out all our upcoming regular and one off expenses and how much we could afford to save for a big purchase in the next 2 years. Have offered to take him through this spreadsheet several times to see if he agrees with the figures. He either is too tired or not engaged. We are as a result a month behind on our savings target as we have yet to transfer direct debits, get our joint account etc. Whenever I raise the joint savings etc he tells me to stop being controlling, he wants “his say” etc- but he has no interest in crunching the numbers with me. If he ever does take an interest he seems happy and he never disagrees, but will throw back in arguments that I’m controlling everything.

For me, it feels like I can’t win. He is either passive aggressively refusing to engage because he disagrees, or he feels guilty that he never does anything, or he resents being so dependent on me to do the heavy lifting. Or all of the above. I keep asking for input, getting nothing, then down the line getting shit for having made the decisions. Might I add that he generally finds women in charge annoying - his SIL and Mum are “nags”, any assertive woman on tv is “annoying”, etc. His mum advised me to “let him think he’s in charge, men like it”. What is it - the 1950s?!?

I’ve half a mind to stop planning our jointly-wanted nice holiday next year until the next time he brings it up. By which time the prices will no doubt have skyrocketed.

Aibu?!?

What saddens me about your situation is that you're looking at you and I can see the cogs in your head internalising what you need/Can do to make things better.

The truth is you can't. My exh was similar, very needy and clingy and gaslighted me constantly.

This person doesn't care about you or what you want. They are only interested in their own wants, needs and desires.

It's not easy to make the decision end a relationship but it's a lot harder to divorce.
Please give yourself a chance to be happy and free.

Imagine yourself six months down the line in your own place, nobody interfering with what you want to do, arranging meet ups with family and friends by yourself and planning holidays as and when you want to.

Don't hold onto the fear of being alone or lonely. You deserve more!

Devilsavocado when we got together he was very keen to talk stuff through, reassure me, help quell my anxiety etc. He was actually the most supportive emotionally in touch partner I had had! How ironic! Now it’s like he has no patience or even contempt for me. It’s awful when I think but this now extends to pushing buttons he knows really hurt me. Like I confided in him about my shit childhood with my dad always leaving my mother and coming back and now whenever we argue he threatens to leave.

now I feel shit that I ruined the opportunity for us to discuss the holiday

You didn't. There was never a chance for you to discuss the holiday and he never intended to. He just pulled out this line because he knew it would hurt you and put you where he believes you belong, permanently in the wrong.

I think you're so deep in this you don't see how bad it already is. Missing work, not being able to go anywhere without him. This is deeply, deeply unhealthy. I know it's terrifying to think about leaving, but thank God you still have time to rethink the wedding. Please, please think about postponing it. If these issues get worked out you can reschedule it. But don't marry him. We can handhold you through putting things on hold.

This man is incapable of realising he is wrong. If anything goes wrong, his immediate instinct is to fnd someone to blame - you. " It's nc's fault that happened, not mine. It has to be her fault because if it was mine that would be too awful to contemplate! I'd be wrong!! I'd be..." - what? Humiliated by a parent? A teacher? His inner judge? "Poor me, she is always making bad things hapen that might looks as though they are my fault. It isn't fair. I'm going to tell her off, she gave me a fright. Ohmygod that was close though, I'm quite scared."

Just one possible interpretation, but the clear impression for me is that he CAN'T be wrong, for whatever reason. Which may be why he won't commit to any decision - in case it's wrong and he is blamed (by you, by himself, by the scary judgy world?)

If he is scared, then he will probably be nasty. Or - he may just be nasty! who knows?

OK so enough amateur psychoanalysis, I may be miles off and it isn't your problem to solve anyway, I'm just trying to describe what a difficult situation this looks like to an outsider. But you clearly cannot cary on like this, walking on eggshells and second-guessing every interaction with him. That's madness.

And sorry to say this, but would you wan a dad like this for your kids?

Aaagh, just seen your last post. He is nasty.

nc, no one would get with an abuser if they showed their true colours at the start. That's why this type of abuse is so insidious. They reel you in and then over the years start chiselling away at you with a penknife.

The truth is I feel so so ashamed we have invited everyone to the wedding, paid for stuff, I felt like I had that elusive happy ending after a fairly tough relationship history and he was like my perfect partner but then prob over the past 6-8 months things have got so hard. I get so so upset and anxious when we argue because it’s like he is able to switch off his affection that is so OTT the rest of the time. I feel like I never know what is real- the love or the anger. I would be really depressed if we split, I’m bad at being alone and I know my brain would twist it into my fault and I would prob even beg him to come back! What a failure I would feel.. engaged in this seemingly perfect life then throwing it away and starting again. It’s huge

My anxiety has ramped up and I’ve missed a couple of days of work due to just feeling panicked about him leaving which he also threatens a lot. But I am scared of asking him to leave or leaving myself. I’m financially ok and have a good job but I don’t have many close friends since moving jobs and also don’t tend to do much on my own anymore as he always wants to tag along or if I don’t include him he gets upset

You are unhappy because he is controlling you. It’s emotional abuse. You didn’t cause it and your can’t fix it.

Are married already ? If not then please put all arrangements on hold.

Have you joined finances yet? Ditto.

Please don’t get any more committed than you are already, it will only make your life worse.

You need to leave him.

The more I read about this man the worse it gets...

He’s your ‘a’ typical emotional abuser. When you tell him you’re scared to talk to him due to the backlash, he turns it round on you, and tells you he feels the same. That’s a typical reversal tactic, to not resolve the issue and make you doubt yourself. I bet once he says that, you never resolve the issue. What any normal person would say is ‘ok, sorry you feel that way, how can we sort this out’

He’s starting to alienate you from your friends and make it difficult for you to make new friends. He’s tagging along, gets stroppy when you want to go out by yourself and sounds like he’s generally making you feel bad about your friends in general. How you feel about bringing up issues, scared, is how you’ll start to feel about going out with friends - this will get a whole lot worse after your married and unbearable if you have kids, he’ll want you to be a sahp am shave no social circle at all.

Next time he says he’s leaving, say to him ‘ok, do you want help packing’? And let him go, life is too short to deal with this shit

This is awful OP - I honestly don’t understand why you’re still there.

You have a good job, no children - nothing ties you to him.

You’re fearful, upset, undermined on a daily basis.

If you got really ill tomorrow, could you trust him to care for you? Support you?

Would he go out of his way for you?

This is a nasty man - especially as he’s changed - his mask has been discarded as he feels like he’s got you where he wants.

My DH never had a live in partner before me. Never had a girlfriend more serious than a few months.

He’s been basically the same since we got together 13 years ago, as am I. In essentials we are unchanged. Your partner has done an about face, just keeping enough of the fake him so you keep the hope he’ll go back to the ‘real him’ they way he was before.

What you have NOW is the real him. So can you deal with this for forever? Even another two weeks would be a big fat no from me.

If you'd rather be in a miserable, emotionally abusive relationship than there's not much one can do to convince you that this relationship is a losing game that will eventually destroy you. Huge is the fact that you'd rather marry an emotionally abusive person than be alone.

You’re depressed NOW!

This fear of being alone will push so many women into these awful marriages - it’s so sad.

You would not be depressed, you would feel a massive weight off your shoulders. Yes, it would be tough, but not as tough as condemning yourself to a marriage and the rest of your life with this man, surely? Money is only money, don’t give it a second thought.

Do you have friends or family in real life in whom you can confide?

If you can’t just walk away, at the very least you need to be 100% clear with him and say that you are thinking of breaking off the relationship. But just beware of him trying to placate you with empty promises.

X posted, I see that you are not married yet. Good.

It’s not a perfect life at all, you are so anxious and stressed that you are missing work. And this is supposed to be the easy and fun time in a relationship, plenty money and free time, no kids or elderly relatives to care for. Holidays, going out with friends, having amazing sex.

This is the very best it will ever be with him.

How much of you anxiety is down to him? How much is he causing?

A decent man would left you up not put you down.

If this started when you set a date and booked the venue he's panicking and doesn't want to commit

You need to think seriously

Throwing money away and saving yourself is not a waste

Yes it would be a big deal to break up. But if the situation makes you doubt your feelings and take time off work you are so anxious that’s not very sustainable either.

Half a man is not better than none.

Don't feel at all ashamed or embarrassed about telling people the weddings off - it's neither here nor there, fundamentally he's not nice to you and doesn't behave in a loving way to you, and for that reason you shouldn't marry him. He's not a nice person.

What would you think if a friend told you they'd called off their wedding because their partner to be was horrible to them? You wouldn't judge, would you, except to think well done for dodging the bullet! Your friends and family love you and would want the best for you sweetheart, not for you to be unhappy and dealing with this crap. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL who can support you?

engaged in this seemingly perfect life then throwing it away and starting again. It’s huge

It is a big thing - but it is the RIGHT thing. Have a look

A friend of mine called off her wedding within weeks of it, not even for such compelling reasons, just that it wasn’t right for her.
She is now happily married with children to the right man, with no regrets.
That could be you. Nobody whose opinion is worth caring about will judge you.

I feel like I never know what is real- the love or the anger.

In this one sentence, right here, you summed up an emotionally abusive relationship. Everything you've described is textbook - the early "love bombing", the slow reveal of the real face, the abrupt shifts between being loving and contemptuous and cold, the turning it around on you and telling you you're the unreasonable and abusive one until you don't know which way is up.

Please seek out and read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It might really help you. Emotional abuse is real abuse.

I know the thought of being alone is scary but it's better than being with a man like this. It really is. You are being boiled like the proverbial frog right now, which is making you believe you would struggle alone, when in fact you'd be better off without someone undermining and criticising you.

I sometimes confide in my mum or even his Mum who I am quite close to. His mum can see his faults but she advises me that he’s always been someone ruled by moods and insecurities and how to manage him. My mum is of the view that my financial future is much better in a couple (my dad eventually left and cut us off for what seemed like years and we struggled so badly, my mums got tunnel vision about not wanting that for me, she herself is very good at minimising abuse and I don’t really talk to her bout this stuff anymore because it leaves me feeling in a way more helpless.) my best friend “broke up with me” over a work issue (we were colleagues) this year and I still miss her and think she would have good advice but I can’t just call her up and expect her to help me!) I am not very close to other family members and would say I have few close friends but a lot of non close ones irl. Prob because I spent a lot of time developing this relationship and always thought he was my best friend. I have thought about calling eg women’s aid to talk to someone!

Women's Aid sounds like a good idea tbh. Or the Samaritans are a good listening ear but Women's Aid can advise you.

I don't think you have anything to lose in sending a message to your former best friend do you? Long term it would be good to build your support networks again, but I don't think you'll be able to do that until you get away from him.

I'm not suprised you don't have any friends off he tags along all the time.

Please don't marry him. He doesn't even seem to like you.

Don't give a thought about cancelling the wedding, it happens all the time for all sorts of reasons.

Do you have somewhere else you can stay for a few months while you make sense of it all?

That's exactly what woman's aid is for...

Please call them...

Your comment re reality the anger or love... Is a massive red flag... Sadly you're already moving down the horrible path of an abused partner....please save yourself!!
youre doubting yourself, you're endlessly analysing his behaviour, you're telling yourself being with this abuser is better than being alone... You're slowly but surely accepting that you are 'at fault' for his appalling behavior....