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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not re-invite children?

133 replies

Twork · 30/10/2018 09:34

DD handed out invites to her 8th bday party. She made the mistake of handing out 3 of the boys when they were together. One of the boys is 9 and started doing the usual "ewww girls. I don't want to go to YOUR party" and ripped the invite up. The other 2 boys who are 7, copied and also said nasty things about DD's party. DD was v upset and I was furious.

The mums of the 7 year olds have since asked to come. One texted to say "he lost the invite" and the other said "he accidently ripped it". DD doesn't know. They had my number from previous parties.

My first reaction is to text back "DD said he ripped up the invite and said he didn't want to come and said some things with made DD cry. DD was v upset about how he responded so I don't think it would be a good idea if he came. Thanks." I don't want to get into the he said/she said but want them to know what happened. Although they were just being 7 they need to know the consequences, even if they were jyst copying each other.

BUT I think if I asked DD she would say she wanted them to come. And truth be told, we've not had many yes replies.

If my DD did that, I would not expect her to be reinvited.

So, should I ask DD and do what she wants or should I just say no?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/10/2018 09:36

I'd just let them come if you think your dd wants them there.

Isitweekendyet · 30/10/2018 09:37

I would invite them but also reiterate to their mother’s what happened. I would be appalled if my son did that; copying someone or not I would want to know.

Fatasfook · 30/10/2018 09:38

Ask your dd if she wants them there, 7 year old boys aren’t known for their maturity

MatildaTheCat · 30/10/2018 09:39

I would have a chat in person with the other mother and explain what happened. Say that DD doesn’t know but it made you feel really sad. Unfortunately the younger boys were probably just being silly and trying to impress the older boy, they probably really want to come.

Maybe. With the help of both you mothers the boys could learn something about kindness and treatment of girls at this early stage?

Maybe I’m an eternal optimist! Smile

I hope she has a lovely party.

Unicornandbows · 30/10/2018 09:40

I would stick to my guns with a firm no. Don't want anyone who would make DD cry at her bday party.

Underpressureidiot · 30/10/2018 09:41

Definitely tell them what they really did. Outrageous behaviour that’s very mean.

ScreamieMum · 30/10/2018 09:41

My first instinct would be exactly the same as yours! I also think the parents should know how their children have behaved and upset your DD, even if it's blown over now as it sounds like they don't know the truth. It is your DDs party though so I would discuss it with her and ask her why she wants them to go when they behaved so badly.

hellojim · 30/10/2018 09:42

I think I would tell the parents that the boys are welcome to come, if they want to be there, and explain the reason why they don't have their invites anymore. I would just text the details and not rewrite actual invitations.
If the boys do attend I would keep an eye on them if you think they could lead each other astray!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/10/2018 09:42

I'd let them come, if they want to and your DD wants them to.

I would say something along the lines of 'of course they can still come, it's a nice surprise that they want to tbh as the story I'm getting is that after seeing x boy do the same, they ripped the invites up and said they didn't want to come to a girls party. Hopefully it will be a nice way for them to all make up, as DD was upset at the time'

I think at 7 they probably wouldn't have thought about the consequences and there is a lot of pressure to follow older kids at that age

ScreamieMum · 30/10/2018 09:43

PS - age is no excuse for bad behaviour. They may only be 7 but they knew what they were doing.

klondike555 · 30/10/2018 09:44

Definitely don't re-invite them. Why risk them doing something else horrible at the party and upsetting people.

Definitely do let the parents know exactly what happened.

Your planned message sounds good, but I'd drop the 'thanks'.

GreenTulips · 30/10/2018 09:44

Text
Hi the invites weren't lost or ripped they were torn apart and both boys told DD girls parties are rubbish.

I'm happy to reimburse them but perhaps an apology for their behaviour would help smooth things over?

GreenTulips · 30/10/2018 09:44

Re-invite

Pfingstrose · 30/10/2018 09:44

I'd explain the situation to the parents and tell them that if the boys are genuinely keen to come then you'll chat to your daughter to see how she feels about it.

Hopefully your daughter will get an apology, the boys will learn a lesson, and they will all have a lovely time celebrating DDs birthday.

lulu12345 · 30/10/2018 09:44

I'd ask your DD what she wants but either way let the parents know what happened. Your proposed wording comes over a bit passive-aggressive though which might annoy the mothers.. (sorry just reflecting my immediate reaction) My guess is that they'd be horrified to know what their boys did and want to know so they can take action and so shouldn't be "punished" by you in the language you use to relay what happened.

ShadyLady53 · 30/10/2018 09:45

I would definitely tell the parents what happened and say that your daughter would still like them to come but you’d appreciate if they spoke to their children about how hurful their actions were.

BarbarianMum · 30/10/2018 09:53

Both my ds' have been to girl's parties (ds2 has been the only boy invited on several occasions), and had they ever reacted like that at being invited I would be very cross. If they had, I would have appreciated being told (they tore it up, are you sure they'd like to come?) so they could bloody apologise and ask nicely to be reinvited. And I wouldnt blame your dd if she said "no"!

dustarr73 · 30/10/2018 09:54

I would twll the parents,if that was my son i would want to know.

And letting them come,i would leave that to your dd.Its her party

Ifoundanacorn · 30/10/2018 09:55

I would think twice about inviting them, if the boys were that rude about the invitations then how will they be at the party! They may well spend the whole time running it down very very loudly and spoil your dd's day.

If you have only had a few yes replies, I would switch to a much smaller version of her party and reply and tell them you are having a small party this year and hope to have a bigger party in the future.

No point falling out with the mothers, but I would not want boys at my dd birthday party that were going to be rude and disruptive.

Lesson learned for the boys I think. You rip up invites and make others cry there will be consequences.

7yo7yo · 30/10/2018 09:57

Text them back saying
I’ll have to discuss it with (DD) she was really upset over their behaviour. It was rude and unkind and made her cry, especially when they ——-.
Wait for their response to make your decision.

RoboticSealpup · 30/10/2018 10:05

I think you should absolutely let the parents know what their sons did. I would want to know if my child had behaved that badly and I would want them to apologise. However, while I completely understand why you would want to send that text, it kind of closes the door or any reconciliation. The boys have behaved really horribly and they owe your DD an apology.

contrary13 · 30/10/2018 10:07

I was in the same situation as your DD, when I was that age, too - new school, October birthday 5 weeks into what's now Yr3, whole class party... two boys ripped up the invites in front of me and said some awful things about the party, girls, and me in particular.

My parents didn't issue another invite to them. They spoke to our class teacher, instead, who told the boys parents what they'd done... and on the Monday after my Saturday party? When the rest of the class were talking about what a great time they'd had at my 8th birthday party (my parents went all-out and hired entertainers, which for the 1980s was extravagent!), those two boys sat on their own and learned the valuable lesson of choices having consequences. They made the deliberate choice to be mean... the consequence was that they missed out on something everyone else enjoyed, and weren't able to join in any of the chatter concerning it both prior to and after the event.

Today, many, many years later, those two boys (now kind and gracious men) and I are friends. But, on my part, it took a bit to forgive them for what they said to and about me/my family. We've never spoken about my 8th birthday whole-class-bar-them party, but I do remember them being a little kinder to everyone in our class afterwards (and it taught me the etiquette of not being encouraged to hand out invites in front of others who perhaps haven't been invited). Perhaps they were told off by their parents, or perhaps it was just the fact that my parents had my back and refused to reinvite them... I don't know. But I do know this: if I were you, OP, then I would be talking to your daughter's teacher and firmly standing my ground on not allowing the boys to my child's party. One day, the lesson which they'll learn from this act of nasty, spoiled brat behaviour they exhibited towards another child, may well stand them in good stead. Don't engage directly with their mothers - talk to the school. It happened on school property, during school hours... let them deal with what can only be described as an act of bullying on the boys part.

I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday with people who want to be there. Flowers

FishCanFly · 30/10/2018 10:11

Little shits. DO NOT re-invite

Frogscotch7 · 30/10/2018 10:17

Please tell their parents the facts of what happened if it was my son I would want to know so I could teach him that is totally unacceptable.

I’d wait and see how the parents react to what happened before deciding whether or not to send the details of the party. I hope your dd has a great day - even if only a few people come at least they won’t be people who have been downright horrible to her.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 30/10/2018 10:25

Sorry but I'd have to say.

That is horrid behaviour and why should they be rewarded for it?