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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not re-invite children?

133 replies

Twork · 30/10/2018 09:34

DD handed out invites to her 8th bday party. She made the mistake of handing out 3 of the boys when they were together. One of the boys is 9 and started doing the usual "ewww girls. I don't want to go to YOUR party" and ripped the invite up. The other 2 boys who are 7, copied and also said nasty things about DD's party. DD was v upset and I was furious.

The mums of the 7 year olds have since asked to come. One texted to say "he lost the invite" and the other said "he accidently ripped it". DD doesn't know. They had my number from previous parties.

My first reaction is to text back "DD said he ripped up the invite and said he didn't want to come and said some things with made DD cry. DD was v upset about how he responded so I don't think it would be a good idea if he came. Thanks." I don't want to get into the he said/she said but want them to know what happened. Although they were just being 7 they need to know the consequences, even if they were jyst copying each other.

BUT I think if I asked DD she would say she wanted them to come. And truth be told, we've not had many yes replies.

If my DD did that, I would not expect her to be reinvited.

So, should I ask DD and do what she wants or should I just say no?

OP posts:
Ginazon · 30/10/2018 11:32

I think I’d be talking to dd about whether someone that behaves like that can really be considered a friend. Like a pp said, make it a smaller party for the children that can come. Teach her to walk away from people that are mean to her.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/10/2018 11:37

If my DS did this I would want to know OP. Please tell the parents what actually happened.

llangennith · 30/10/2018 11:38

7 yo boys copying an older boy without really thinking it through. Later on when they did think about it they knew it was wrong so made excuses as to why they didn't have their invitations.
7 yo boys do silly things. Unless they're horrible boys anyway, and they're probably not as your DD wanted them at her party, explain to their mothers, in person, what happened. Not by text.
You could also explain to your DD that they were foolishly being led by an older boy and regret it now. No more drama.
I hope your DD is over it now and enjoys her party.

SezziBaybee · 30/10/2018 11:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

diddl · 30/10/2018 11:42

I'd be tempted to go with "your son declined the invitation when it was offered".

I agree with a pp-your daughter needn't be bothered about "quantity over quality".

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 30/10/2018 11:43

I wouldnt.

Kids need to learn stunts like this arent ok.

toomuchtooold · 30/10/2018 11:54

Agree with the PPs above - smaller party, maybe doing something a bit more expensive as your numbers are less? Tell the mums what happened, in person, be pleasant about it but tell them exactly what happened. If that were one of my kids I would want to know and I would be glad they had their invitations withdrawn because it's good for them to learn the consequences of their actions when they're this age, rather than continuing to be rude into adulthood and then wondering why they have no mates.

Cherries101 · 30/10/2018 11:59

I would tell the parents what they did in front of your DD and say that you assumed that meant they didn’t want to come and so have now planned accordingly.

Allthewaves · 30/10/2018 12:01

I would text back that they ripped the invites up infront of dd, said mean things and she was really upset - parents more than likely don't know what happened. Then see how they handle it.

MorrisZapp · 30/10/2018 12:07

All the people saying they'd like to know if it was their son who did this, I'm a bit cynical. I've never known any parent say thanks when told about the poor behaviour of their kid. If you tell the parents, you're taking the path of lifelong playground awkwardness.

Yes they should get a row etc but in the real world, the easiest path is probably just to invite them. Parties dry up soon anyway and your kids look after all their own socialising. Can't bloody wait.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 30/10/2018 12:09

Another onne saying I'd want to know. I would use it as a learning opportunity for my ds

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 30/10/2018 12:10

In person though...

BumsexAtTheBingo · 30/10/2018 12:18

Fuck that. Sometimes young kids will accept being treated badly but you need to step in here to show you won’t accept it.
I’d just say that dd said that they told her they didn’t want to come and ripped up the invitation on purpose. The mother who has the ripped invitation will know this anyway. If it’s ripped to the extent that she can’t read the details it clearly wasn’t an accident.
The parents will either accept it and the child can learn their action has had a consequence or they may be made to apologise.
Do you really want kids who behave that spitefully at your dds party anyway? What if they decide to ‘be silly’ and upset her on the day? It’ll be much nicer to have a small gathering of nice kids.

blueskiesandforests · 30/10/2018 12:23

Have most of the people replying to this thread never met a real 7 year old human child?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2018 12:24

I like what Forgivenessisdivine wrote. Perhaps something slightly shorter. Anything you say should be without emotion or judgement. Just fact otherwise you will cause an argument with the parents.

DD came home very upset and informed me your ds ripped up the invitation and laughed at the idea of attending a party for girls. I think she and I need reassurance that he will not behave in a similar way. I will ask dd if she is still ok for him to attend.

Their response will tell you whether or not you want the children there.

dustarr73 · 30/10/2018 12:27

All the people saying they'd like to know if it was their son who did this, I'm a bit cynical. I've never known any parent say thanks when told about the poor behaviour of their kid. If you tell the parents, you're taking the path of lifelong playground awkwardness.

I would genuinely like to know.How else are we going to put things right if nobody tells us.

HagueBlue · 30/10/2018 12:28

I have a real 7 year old human male child and I'd be horrified if he behaved like that. I'd be very grateful to be told and probably wouldn't be allowing him to come anyway.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 30/10/2018 12:29

I had a human 7yr old boy not too long ago and while he was no more perfect than the next child I would have been horrified if he’d been deliberately mean like this. I’ve never known of any other child tear an invitation up either and have had 2 through primary school.
The kids are 7 not 2! Even if they were inspired by the older boy they are themselves old enough to know they were doing a really unkind thing that would upset their friend.

MorrisZapp · 30/10/2018 12:29

Asking for reassurance they will behave would cause me to have a horrible spasm of anxiety, and never being able to look at the other mothers again. Christ how ghastly. It's like that book Little Lies. Just don't let them come if you don't want them there.

hmmwhatatodo · 30/10/2018 12:31

I’d invite 3 other children.

MadameButterface · 30/10/2018 12:31

Have most of the people replying to this thread never met a real 7 year old human child?

two actually, and neither of them behaved like this. sorry your experience is different.

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/10/2018 12:33

That's a shame Morris, where I live most parents would thank you. There are a couple who think their kids do not wrong and there's no talking to them, but the rest are pretty good about it taking a village.

Sexnotgender · 30/10/2018 12:35

If my child did that I’d definitely want to know.

I wouldn’t let him go to the party but I would make him buy a present.

Such bad behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded.

Original poster
Twork · 30/10/2018 12:36

Thanks for the replies.

Unfortunately the party is a minimum numbers thing and it was all DD wanted to do and we've paid a deposit now. Can't really reorganise. It's stressing me out a bit and making me feel guilty that I don't have any friends who have kids I can invite as back up.

I used to speak to one of the mum's regularly (s). They both went to the same nursery and they were quite close for a while. He's been round to play etc. She's never been invited to his thoigh. About a year or so ago they were both at another party. I had to take an urgent call and apparently DD pushed another child so s told her off. I've no problem with that. S spoke to me to tell me what happened and I said something like "if she needed telling off, then fine" and obviously I then took DD to one side as well. S has been really odd with me since and now practically blanks me. DD and her son naturally grew apart a bit so I was a bif surprised she invited him anyway.

The other boys I don't really know.

DD doesn't know whether she wants them there now. I'll reply to the mum's once DD has decided. Either way, I'll tell them that the boys ripped up the invites and made DD cry.

OP posts:
vicviking · 30/10/2018 12:38

If your dd wants them there I would simply explain what that they tore up their original invitations and said they didn't want to come and re-invite them. They will get told off and everyone can move on. Unless there is some back story about these kids I don't think it is worth further drama. 7 year olds don't always think through their actions.