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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not re-invite children?

133 replies

Twork · 30/10/2018 09:34

DD handed out invites to her 8th bday party. She made the mistake of handing out 3 of the boys when they were together. One of the boys is 9 and started doing the usual "ewww girls. I don't want to go to YOUR party" and ripped the invite up. The other 2 boys who are 7, copied and also said nasty things about DD's party. DD was v upset and I was furious.

The mums of the 7 year olds have since asked to come. One texted to say "he lost the invite" and the other said "he accidently ripped it". DD doesn't know. They had my number from previous parties.

My first reaction is to text back "DD said he ripped up the invite and said he didn't want to come and said some things with made DD cry. DD was v upset about how he responded so I don't think it would be a good idea if he came. Thanks." I don't want to get into the he said/she said but want them to know what happened. Although they were just being 7 they need to know the consequences, even if they were jyst copying each other.

BUT I think if I asked DD she would say she wanted them to come. And truth be told, we've not had many yes replies.

If my DD did that, I would not expect her to be reinvited.

So, should I ask DD and do what she wants or should I just say no?

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 30/10/2018 13:43

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy and explain to your daughter what that means. The most important thing is that she enjoys her birthday party with the people who do show up and actually want to come. If you can afford to, strongly encourage your daughter to make other plans. Help her come up with new ideas. She will need you to hold her hand through this.

drspouse · 30/10/2018 14:13

Will wait for DD to decide about 7 year ols and will tell the mums what happened either way.
I would not be telling your DD that the mums are now making excuses - just say "you know X and Y, just checking you still don't want them to come" or similar.

GreenTulips · 30/10/2018 14:42

Why would your daughter even WANT them now?

7 year olds can be very forgiving. It takes till year4/5 for them to stand up and refuse to be friends with the mean kids.

Most parents would want to know apart for 'oh my Toby would never ....' parents who then discover Toby has no friends in high school

Best the parents know and the boys are given a chance to apologise

FapandSnart · 30/10/2018 14:56

I have a 7 year old DD. If I found out this had happened to her I would be furious.

This is good opportunity for you to teach your Daughter that she should not have to accommodate other people’s bad behaviour.

These little sods are old enough to know better. 7 year olds are old enough to know how to behave. They do not deserve to come to this party. Please do not ask your daughter if she wants them to be reinvited. She will likely think she has to. Instead I would mention the parents have been in touch and the boys have clearly lied about the invites and because of how they upset her, you think they should not be reinvited.

Worriedmummybekind · 30/10/2018 14:59

If my son had done this I would want to know because I’d want to talk to him about why and address how it would make your DD feel and also that he was now missing out, which is what happens when you dismiss peopke. You miss out on the pleasure of their friendship.
So I would t reinvite and I would like to know as the parent.

Worriedmummybekind · 30/10/2018 15:00

Wouldn’t - that was meant to say

Pickupthephone · 30/10/2018 20:18

I know I’m in the minority here but I just don’t think this is that big a deal. And I think a lot of posters are letting unresolved experiences from their own childhoods colour their view (the ‘then I had the best party ever and they were sorry’ stories!)

7 year olds do daft things, particularly when influenced by older children. It doesn’t make them hideous human beings. Kids are also more resilient than you think. You risk allowing your own distress at your daughter’s upsetting experience to ruin her birthday.

This is about your little girl and what she’ll enjoy on her birthday. Ask her whether she wants to forgive the boys and have them at the party, stressing that she doesn’t have to have them if she doesn’t want to. If she says yes, reply to the parents and re-invite, telling them what you understand happened with the invites.

llangennith · 30/10/2018 21:47

Finally someone who agrees with me!

toomuchtooold · 30/10/2018 22:15

I've never known any parent say thanks when told about the poor behaviour of their kid

Morris I'd find it a horribly awkward conversation and it'd probably take me about a year to feel the gratitude but I would still rather know.

BewareOfDragons · 30/10/2018 22:29

I would definitely tell the parents of the children what they did. They are all old enough to know better, and completely understand and 'get' how they would have felt had children done that to them.

That said, sincere apologies will likely be forthcoming, and if your DD still wants them to come after they've apologised, then I do think that might be the right thing to do. Children who know better still do crappy things ; it doesn't mean they they be punished forevermore for it if they understand what they've done and try to make it right.

OF course, I also understand that they must have lied to their own parents about what really happened... so they know it was wrong... they need to apologise before being reinvited

RoboticSealpup · 31/10/2018 13:31

7 year olds do daft things, particularly when influenced by older children. It doesn’t make them hideous human beings.

No but they might turn into hideous human beings if they never get taught not to hurt other people's feelings. And I think "daft" is a pretty big understatement. I remember being 7 and "friends" being unkind. It hurts.

dorisdog · 31/10/2018 18:00

I actually wouldn't ask my seven year old child what they want to happen? She might feel obliged to be kind and forgiving. For what my opinions worth, I'd tell the other parents what happened, very factually and unemotionally, and see if an apology is forthcoming without a prompt. If the apology arrives from the other children, I'd explain to my child that everyone messes up, but because they've apologised they can come. If no apology comes I'd leave them uninvited, in a fuss free way.

Personally, that the kind of life lesson I'd be showing my child. ie people mess up, they need to find a way to make amends and make it ok again. Not that I necessarily think other people's suggestions are wrong, that's just how I would do it.

YouDancin · 31/10/2018 18:30

@contrary13 Flowers I am glad your parents stood up for you and the boys turned out to be good adults.

Hector2000 · 31/10/2018 18:51

In my experience, raising an issue direct with parent is usually a disaster, however tactful you try to be. Having said that, my son wanted two friends at his 10th party (paintballing) who then chucked food around and made spiteful comments. I did not mention it to the mothers when they came to collect, but wish I had in retrospect, because after several more incidents it was clearly a pattern of behaviour. But I knew if I mentioned it, it could make life trickier for my son. In the end, I asked him what he wanted me to do about it - if anything, and followed that.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 31/10/2018 19:05

DD was really hurt that he ripped up the invite and said he didn't want to come to a ‘stupid girl party’. He also said some other horrible things that made DD cry. However, if he wants to apologise to DD and ask if he can come I have no objection and I think DD will probably say yes as before this happened she did really want him to come’

I like this response.

Leapfrog44 · 31/10/2018 20:48

You MUST be honest with the mothers about what happened. If you don't tell them there is no chance to correct the behavior of these little shits.

Ask your daughter about whether she wants them and respect what she says.

BUT OP TELL THE MUMS WHAT HAPPENED!

Kingk1 · 31/10/2018 21:18

Ask DD if she wants them to attend if yes invite them but I would be telling their mothers how they reacted when given invite. They sound like horrible boys, if my son done that he would be grounded for a week and made to apologize for been so rude and disrespectful!

Catsinthecupboard · 31/10/2018 21:24

Took a household poll of my young adults.

Dd: no! Absolutely not!
Ds: they ripped up an invitation? (Obvs he wouldn't have. He has dyslexia and was bullied so he is very kind) If they did it to his sister? Not a chance.

Me: I would give them a second chance bc it was impulsive. But tell the mothers and let them stew a bit.

However. Sometimes it's good to learn that a smallish party with good friends is much better than people who simply want to join in bc they don't want to be left out.

Finally, as a mother who has weathered many storms, it is good to think long term. If these boys are the type to hold a grudge, it would be prudent to keep fuss to minimum. Let 7yo but not 9.
I hope she has a wonderful partyFlowers

PinkPanther27 · 31/10/2018 22:16

The first thing I would do is find out if your daughter wants them there, if she did I'd let them come. Either way I would talk to the parents about what happened so they can have a discussion with the boys and try to kerb any gender stereotyping etc and talk to them about respect for friends and not being afraid to be different.

Rachel0Greep · 31/10/2018 22:18

I wouldn't bother with the nine year old. Just leave that as is. The two younger lads, I would probably let them attend. I wouldn't go overboard with elaborate texts, I might say something like 'oh what I heard was x tore up the invitation' and leave it at that.

Hope your daughter has a lovely day.

pollymere · 31/10/2018 23:03

Contact them and explain what happened. I think given their age they should be told dd was upset and given the chance to say sorry. Invites could then reappear once this happened. Explain to the Mums and tell them details but that they probably need to apologize first.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/10/2018 23:13

I’d probably say ‘I’m glad he’s changed his mind, DD was upset when he copied 9 year old’

Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/10/2018 23:14

The boys essentially need to learn to use their own brains and not be sheep

anniehm · 31/10/2018 23:28

Let them come, they are little kids - but ensure their parents are aware of the influence the older boy had on them so they can explain to their sons how rude it is for future reference

littlemisscomper · 01/11/2018 00:10

Random idea OP, but do you have a woman's refuge in your area? I'm wondering if there are any children of a similar age to your daughter staying there who would be grateful to fill the spaces?

Personally if I was one of the boys mums in this situation I would very much want to know!! I would insist they write an apology card and buy a thoughtful birthday present with their pocket money, and they wouldn't be attending even if invitation was reissued. Yes they're only young but their behaviour crossed the line into absolutely unacceptable. Real friends don't deliberately hurt each other.