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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not re-invite children?

133 replies

Twork · 30/10/2018 09:34

DD handed out invites to her 8th bday party. She made the mistake of handing out 3 of the boys when they were together. One of the boys is 9 and started doing the usual "ewww girls. I don't want to go to YOUR party" and ripped the invite up. The other 2 boys who are 7, copied and also said nasty things about DD's party. DD was v upset and I was furious.

The mums of the 7 year olds have since asked to come. One texted to say "he lost the invite" and the other said "he accidently ripped it". DD doesn't know. They had my number from previous parties.

My first reaction is to text back "DD said he ripped up the invite and said he didn't want to come and said some things with made DD cry. DD was v upset about how he responded so I don't think it would be a good idea if he came. Thanks." I don't want to get into the he said/she said but want them to know what happened. Although they were just being 7 they need to know the consequences, even if they were jyst copying each other.

BUT I think if I asked DD she would say she wanted them to come. And truth be told, we've not had many yes replies.

If my DD did that, I would not expect her to be reinvited.

So, should I ask DD and do what she wants or should I just say no?

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 30/10/2018 12:41

Madame Hmm

Kids do odd things on the spur of the moment. 7 is peak "opposite sex smells like poo" age for a lot of kids of both sexes.

The kids were immature because they were kids, the DD cried because she was upset. All fairly understandable. The level of adult over reaction on this thread is daft.

Boys and girls who go "yuck" at the opposite sex at 7 are no more nor less likely to be friends with members of the opposite sex by 14 than ones who don't go through that phase.

Ripping up the invitation wasn't nice but it was undoubtedly done without engaging brain if the boys regretted it afterwards and still wanted to go.

Mayhemmumma · 30/10/2018 12:42

I'd say no. Presumably they'll be dropped off to party so you'll end up supervising them and their behaviour sounds dire. I'd be quite shocked to see my 7 yos classmates act that way, they are a nice bunch.. ripping up and invite and making someone cry strikes me more of a horrible teenager.

Also mum's should have been straight in with an apology. It doesn't matter who started it.

blueskiesandforests · 30/10/2018 12:43

Exactly vicViking

BumsexAtTheBingo · 30/10/2018 12:43

Is it minimum numbers in that you’ll have to pay for 10 even if 7 come or something or would the activity not work? If it’s the former I’d just pay for the spaces and let the other kids have an extra bit of pizza or whatever.
If any of the children coming have a sibling you could invite them to stay?

jarhead123 · 30/10/2018 12:45

Kids can be twats :( I'd probably re invite but I'd tell the Mum what happened

Original poster
Twork · 30/10/2018 12:46

To those of you saying you'd want to know... I have just realised I have the details of the 9 year old's mum. We've never had much to do with each other or the kids. She wouldn't expect me to have her number although she would know why I do.

As much as I would genuinely want to know if DD had done this, I'm not sure I would appreciate being told by a relative stranger over text.

I won't see her or any of them in person at any point.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2018 12:47

I don’t have a 7 yo boy but I did look after a friends ds one afternoon after school for a few years so I know what children can be like.

My dds friend (then 9) told her she was going to get her stepmother to beat me up and kill me. It wouldn’t affect some children but it did dd as I am pretty unwell. Another time dd came home and told me a few boys, aged 8/9 were chanting a song about an adopted girl “your mum and dad you never, never had”. I emailed school about both so they could deal with it.

Obviously these examples are of yr 5 children so older than 7 but these boys were copying the 9 yo. From my experience what the 7 yo boys did was more the sort of action I’d expect from an 8/9 yo. Kids tend to need more guidance as they get older.

Personally I wouldnt write off children for actions like this. Yes it was horrible at the time and the children were distressed and if the parents use this as a learning experience they will know better and do better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2018 12:48

Cross post. Are you going to contact the mother? I would not be reissuing the invitation to him.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/10/2018 12:50

Don't re-invite - you're teaching her that popularity (having a busy party) is better than sticking up for yourself.

Although I promise I would absolutely 100% want to know about this if I was one of their parents so please do let the parents know why.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 30/10/2018 12:51

If they are going through an ‘eww girls’ phase they will likely be a pita at the party as well.
I don’t think the other parents can complain. It was their kids who said they didn’t want to go! They don’t get to change their mind after being cruel to your dd. Maybe next time they get an invitation they will engage their brain which will be no bad thing.
If I got a text saying my son had done this your dd would get an apology and a present and I would be clear that I still didn’t expect an invitation. Why would you want to teach your kid that behaviour like this is acceptable? If the parents are cheeky fuckers though be prepared for a reply saying that their darling child would never do such a thing and that your dd is lying and that their child slipped over and accidentally ripped the invitation to shreds or some other cock and bull.

Baffy · 30/10/2018 12:53

That really wasn't nice behaviour and like you say, definitely tell the Mums what happened so that they can speak to the boys.

But if you're struggling for numbers and dd decides she wants them there then I'd say invite them. Otherwise everyone gets punished over two 7 year old boys copying an older boy - which is entirely normal at that age even though it's not ok.

I'd hope their mums do address how nasty it was though...

Original poster
Twork · 30/10/2018 12:54

It's a team thing. Happy to pay for minimum numbers even if we don't have that many kids but I'm not sure how well it will work.

Minumim number is 8 so 3 people doing this and a couple of no's/no response has made a HUGE difference to how well the activity will work.

She's v disappointed about the whole thing but desperately wants it and won't be persuaded to do something else.

She/we don't gave a huge amount of friends. Growing up my mum always made me feel like a failure for this and I don't want her to feel that way so I'm struggling to not make a big deal of it while getting her to understand we'll still do it but it will be different to how she planned.

OP posts:
llangennith · 30/10/2018 12:55

I wouldn't bother telling the mother of the 9yo as he's not invited anyway.

I'm sure by now your DD has got over it, unless you're still making a drama about it. Speak to the mothers but don't keep talking to your DD about it.

Jlynhope · 30/10/2018 12:56

I wouldn't contact the mother of the 9 yo but do be honest with the mom's who have already contacted you.

blueskiesandforests · 30/10/2018 12:57

It's fair not to reinvite, it's also fair to factually tell the mothers what happened without ott emotive language along with reinviting. Either is fine. I'd go with DD's wishes either way.

The drama in some of the responses on this thread is ridiculous though.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 30/10/2018 12:57

I would only contact the parents who have contacted you tbh to let them know what actually happened to the invitation.

KC225 · 30/10/2018 12:57

I would be modified if my children had behaved like that at 7. It was rude, at that age rightly or wrongly, parties are a bit of a currency and children take them seriously. To make a child cry is bad behaviour and they have also lied to their parents- ripped up by mistake, lost.

Ask you DD if she still wants them there and then text the parent telling them.waht really happened and that the incident had made your DD cry then add but she would still like them to come or she has changed her mind.

Paddingtonthebear · 30/10/2018 12:59

I think I would mention it to the mums and then decide from there whether to still invite them.

Yes they are young but they won’t learn any life lessons if people (parents) don’t give guidance and pull them up on poor behaviour. I probably wouldn’t want them there but it’s probably your DD’s choice.

My DD invited a notoriously badly behaved boy from school to her 6th birthday party. He was rude and aggressive (bit my DD, punched another child in the stomach, pushed kids off bouncy castle etc) and afterwards my DD said that he had ruined her party a little bit. I felt sad for her and sad for him but it was ultimately her choice to invite him.

Hopefully your DD will see these boys are not kind and go off the idea of inviting them.

tiredgirly · 30/10/2018 13:03

The thin is it is not a case of reinvitin them or not, it is a case of havin to tell them they are now uninvited.

blueskiesandforests · 30/10/2018 13:08

MummyofLittleDragon death threats are far worse than ripping up an invitation - there's no comparison Shock

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/10/2018 13:09

Even with the low numbers I'm not sure 2 would make much difference, so I wouldn't be extending the invitation again!

I hope your DD has a lovely party.

Original poster
Twork · 30/10/2018 13:14

Thanks all.

Right, won't contact the 9 year olds mum.

Will wait for DD to decide about 7 year ols and will tell the mums what happened either way. You are v right about needing to teach her standards and her worth and to not accept poor behaviour from others.

I'm not making a fuss about this. I gave her a hug and reassurance when it happened as she was v upset and told her that she would have to much fun to care. It's only now they've texted that it's come back up.

OP posts:
Knitwit101 · 30/10/2018 13:15

Kids parties are so stressful. I hate organising them. I hope it all works out.

I would re-invite the younger boys if it makes for a better party for your dd. I probably wouldn't bother telling the parents what happened. But then I'm an avoider of anything unpleasant. Just tell dd that sometimes nice people can behave like idiots and move on.

Missingstreetlife · 30/10/2018 13:22

They should apologise, then she can decide whether to invite again. Not the 9 year old

pippa999 · 30/10/2018 13:23

Erm NO. They don't get to be re-invited.

Why would your daughter even WANT them now?

As has been said, they do not need to come just because your daughter has not had too many people accepting.

Better that there are only 5 kids there who your daughter likes (and who like her,) rather than 20 kids who are twats and are only there for the free food and party bags! (And as has been said, you can bet these little shits will be nasty at the party too!)

But I would be contacting the parents of these boys and saying they cannot come - and WHY they can't come. So they are 'only 7...' So what? The sooner they learn treating others like shit is unacceptable, the better.

This reminds of when my friend's daughter had a party when she was 8, and she invited 7 girls and 5 boys. 3 of the boys laughed in her face with a 'urgh! GIRLS yuk!' kind of thing. One of them said 'errr you're fat no!' And the other 2 laughed as they ran off.

Her uncle worked for a football team at the time, and much to the delight of the kids who DID turn up, a famous footballer from a team in the Premier League came to the house as a surprise. (The birthday girl was a massive footie fan!)

The 7 girls and 2 boys who DID turn up (in addition to the birthday girl,) still have their photo with him! The 3 boys who were so nasty and didn't come to the party, never got over the fact that they missed out on meeting him LOL! Grin