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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not re-invite children?

133 replies

Twork · 30/10/2018 09:34

DD handed out invites to her 8th bday party. She made the mistake of handing out 3 of the boys when they were together. One of the boys is 9 and started doing the usual "ewww girls. I don't want to go to YOUR party" and ripped the invite up. The other 2 boys who are 7, copied and also said nasty things about DD's party. DD was v upset and I was furious.

The mums of the 7 year olds have since asked to come. One texted to say "he lost the invite" and the other said "he accidently ripped it". DD doesn't know. They had my number from previous parties.

My first reaction is to text back "DD said he ripped up the invite and said he didn't want to come and said some things with made DD cry. DD was v upset about how he responded so I don't think it would be a good idea if he came. Thanks." I don't want to get into the he said/she said but want them to know what happened. Although they were just being 7 they need to know the consequences, even if they were jyst copying each other.

BUT I think if I asked DD she would say she wanted them to come. And truth be told, we've not had many yes replies.

If my DD did that, I would not expect her to be reinvited.

So, should I ask DD and do what she wants or should I just say no?

OP posts:
NWQM · 30/10/2018 10:34

I'd be explaining what happened gently and saying you will ask DD. She has already been embarrassed. The boys were unkind but if they were friends enough to be asked then it doesn't sound like being unkind to your DD is a regular thing. Presumably they are all friends. There is a danger that a momentary daftness becomes a big thing. Crux is what does your DD want? If she wants your support to say no, don't now want you then I'd say fine but if she wants to forgive and forget then 'bravo' to her I say.

Tinty · 30/10/2018 10:41

My DD had a party at 8 and invited a lot of the girls in her class, she also invited two boys who were her particular friends. Two other boys who she was friends with but didn't necessarily hang around with asked if they could come too Grin. These are the types of boys I would want my dd to be friends with. They all came and had a great time. Smile

I would definitely tell their parents, I would be really cross with my DS if he had behaved like that. Luckily boys and girls play quite happily together at my DC's schools.

supersop60 · 30/10/2018 10:42

Tell the parents. Awful behaviour.
Hi the invites weren't lost or ripped they were torn apart and both boys told DD girls parties are rubbish
This ^^ and then add on the end if you are going to re-invite them or not.

klondike555 · 30/10/2018 10:43

After reconsidering, I'd send a much firmer text than the one you originally posted.

'After ripping up the invitation in front of DD, and saying some nasty and upsetting things to her, I know you will understand why the invitation has been cancelled'.

astoundedgoat · 30/10/2018 10:44

"Hi - DD told me that [your son's name] & [other boy] deliberately tore up in the invitations in front of her and said some very mean things about girls' parties. She was very upset. They may have been showing off in front of [9yo] who was definitely leading the way in this, but after all that I don't want to tell her that they are coming after all and she just has to suck it up when people are mean to her. I don't want this to make things weird between us though! Are you going to the class drinks next week?"

(Obv you can leave out the last bit if you think the other Mum is a bit of a bint anyway.)

I don't think you can really tell the other Mum to make her child apologise to get re-invited - that should come spontaneously from her. Has the child had a chance to apologise yet?

I think by re-extending the invitation without an apology you are telling your DD that deliberate cruelty is something she has to accept and quietly move on from with boys/men. It's never to early to teach girls not to be doormats (and boys not to be cruel).

If the birthday numbers are low, then you can adjust what you had planned to suit a smaller number, which might give you a better budget per child anyway. Silver linings etc.

Juells · 30/10/2018 10:44

I wouldn't invite them, no, and I'd tell the parent what they did. Why is so much slack given to boys who go 'ewwww girls'?

Why allow your daughter to believe that her feelings don't matter, and that there are no consequences for boys who are nasty to her, she just has to accept it? Boundaries are set up when people are children.

Tinty · 30/10/2018 10:48

OP I would also tell the parent of the 9 year old she invited, as he was the one who started it all.

WitchesBritches · 30/10/2018 10:49

How about a slight variation to what you said?

*DD was really hurt that he ripped up the invite and said he didn't want to come to a ‘stupid girl party’. He also said some other horrible things that made DD cry. However, if he wants to apologise to DD and ask if he can come I have no objection and I think DD will probably say yes as before this happened she did really want him to come’.

eddielizzard · 30/10/2018 10:53

Your response is fine. Kids need to know there are consequences to mean actions and your DD was hurt. Your DD also has to learn that she has control if people are mean to her and she doesn't have to accept it.

AdamNichol · 30/10/2018 10:54

I'd be honest with their parents, but re-invite if DD wants them to be there (maybe not the 9yr old though?). It can be hard for younger boys to admit to liking something if an older boy will mock them for it - its a type of bullying that can have serious longevity. The younger boys are only 7 and not too adept at thinking things thru.
For context, my DS is 7. His best friend at school deliberately refused to invite him to party initially, leaving DS to 'earn' a place there. The mum was pretty infuriated with her son, but none of us thought that forcing the matter would help. Stuff worked out eventually.

MadameButterface · 30/10/2018 10:57

I'd text them the facts of what happened. I wouldn't say anything else, I'd leave it up to them how to respond. I would definitely want to know if my ds was being a little shite like this.

Likeshyt · 30/10/2018 11:01

I’m with 7yo7yo

TheBlueDot · 30/10/2018 11:04

I’d ask DD first if she wanted to reinvite them. If yes, AmIRights message is a really good one to send. It lets the parents know what happened but allows a way forward.

If not, I’d send a message saying ‘I’m not sure if you heard from X and X (both boys names) about what happened when DD handed out the invitations. She was upset that they ripped up her invitations so I think it’s best they don’t come this time round.’

RoboticSealpup · 30/10/2018 11:07

What WitchesBritches said! I'd send that.

PlateOfBiscuits · 30/10/2018 11:08

I would still re-invite the younger ones (not the instigator).

But I would tell the mums what had actually happened too.

DaysOfCurlySpencer · 30/10/2018 11:08

Tell them that the boys ripped the invites up and that you have filled their places as they didn't want to take part.

Help them learn how to behave.

BangingOn · 30/10/2018 11:10

Do tell the Mums what happened. DS is only 4 but came out with some nonsense about boys not being allowed to play with girls and I was very grateful to be told so we could have a little chat. It’s peer pressure but that’s no excuse, it’s horrid and I’m sure the parents would want to be aware.

DamsonGin · 30/10/2018 11:12

Have the boys apologised? (for upsetting her, rather than because they're missing a party)

TidyDancer · 30/10/2018 11:17

I wouldn't reinvite. I think the boys need to understand the consequences of their horrible behaviour. Pack mentality yes, but that doesn't excuse it.

BlingLoving · 30/10/2018 11:17

I very much doubt the parents know what happened so as far as they're aware, their kids know they were invited to a party but have lost the invite. I'd ask DD if she still wants them to come or not. Then tell the parents what happened, in an unemotional way, as well as DD's decision on whether or not the children can come.

DS is 7. I can imagine him copying older boys to do something similar and feeling bad about it later. I would expect him to apologise before he could go to the party, but also that he might lose out if the original child decides she didn't want him there.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 30/10/2018 11:24

If you have not had many positive responses and your DD would still want them to come, then I would tell the other parents what happened.

DD wanted to invite your son and was looking forward to having him at her party. However, his behaviour when he received the invitation upset her. I think she and I would need reassurance that he will not behave in a similar way at the party, having stated quite clearly that he did not want to go.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 30/10/2018 11:26

One option might be to ask the parents if they are sure that the boys wish to come to the party, because they had told your daughter didn't want to come

However, whilst everyone SAYS that they would want to know if their children were misbehaving, I think in reality, most parents don't respond well to their children being criticised. If your daughter wants to invite them to the party, I would let them come, but keep an eye on them and make sure they don't stir up trouble

Thehop · 30/10/2018 11:29

Oh, no, it wasn’t an accident. He tore it up in front of her, laughed about how gross girls parties were and made her cry actually. Perhaps check that he does want to come. If he does, then I’m sure dd would appreciate an apology and his attendance

drspouse · 30/10/2018 11:29

9 is much too old to be behaving like that - I can see the 7 yos being easily led but at 9 they should be more mature and definitely shouldn't be instigating it.
I'm with the others who say ask DD if she really wants the 7yos there, and even if she does, explain what happened.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/10/2018 11:31

They made her cry. Just because you haven't had many replies, why teach her to take the scraps?
Teach her to have standards.