To insist dh declines his work jolly starts this weekend and he can fly out on Monday instead

[rantingmother]

Omg I think I’m just having a rant but anyway I need to vent before I implode or something.

Dh travels a lot. It’s pretty annoying and I’m always saying can he try get a job that doesn’t require travelling but he half pretends to job search and then tells me there’s no jobs out there.
His travelling has annoyed me endlessly. When he took this job on, there was no travelling. Now he is abroad at least once a month and normally more than that.

The toll it’s taken on our family has been massive. Even though we had a nanny when I worked, once dc started school the pressure on me and my job got so great as I was the only parent available most of the month I ended up stopping work because I found it so stressful managing the home and dc and my job. He’s always saying he’s tired and just wants to rest.

It’s only when I stopped work I realised what a fool I was. Now I realise that it’s actually allowed dh to travel whenever he wants without even having to check because there’s no paid childcare only me. I now work one half day a week on Sunday (wfh), he normally looks after dc for the 5 hours I work, he said dc can just watch tv instead this Sunday and obviously I’ll be there Saturday. My dc still wakes in the night is very full on and I don’t enjoy being a sahm!

Anyway he just phoned me from work to say all his colleagues are going to USA on a Saturday he’ll probably fly out on Saturday as well. I said that’s nice for his colleagues but there’s really no need for you to go away Saturday is there. He said all the rest of them are going and I said oh well perhaps they don’t have families. He then said they do so I carried on with that’s nicceee...

Aibu to insist he flies out on the Monday knowing full well it won’t affect his job at all. I’m so pissed off. I am here 7 days a week and he’s jollying about whenever he feels like it.

I want to go back to work but feel utterly trapped. The nanny is long gone and i don’t think after a gap (wfh is not related to career) I’m going to get a job that affords the nanny now and even if it did dc is at school so don’t need full time care. I phoned all the Childminder’s in our area to see if anyone can collect dc from school and none do. I have no family or friends to help me. After school care is dire and finishes at 4:30. I’ve applied for any part time work career related but had no luck.

Im on the verge of sending his CV off myself to prove he can get work without travelling. We work in same industry. No way does he have to be in a company that travels this frequently.

He just called saying his printer broke so he’s staying late

There's only one printer? Yeah, OK.

I don’t have access to any statements but I can see what was paid out of the joint account where his salary comes from but unfortunately won’t have any listing of items.

Are you able to see which companies he is paying?

A nanny is a joint family expense not the woman's alone.

The bigger issue though is that it sounds like he's cheating.

• Suddenly travelling at every opportunity.
• Wanting to go on a business trip earlier than needed.
• No longer prioritising your family.
• Not wanting you to meet him upstairs in his office.
• You've never met any of his colleagues.
• Money vanishing into a black hole.
• You don't have access to your joint credit card statements.

Then there's the controlling behaviour regarding your finances and you working.

I don’t have access to any statements

LITERALLY

WHY do women do this?!

Mandarine. Stop showing off.

@Baccus2 "I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. I often fly to the US for work commitments and you absolutely have to fly out on Saturday evening at the latest to have some time to ground yourself before starting work on Monday morning."

I have spent years working for multinationals and travelling to the US offices and I have never needed to fly out on a Saturday night. I have taken overnight flights and gone straight from airport to office as have many colleagues.

My husband occasionally travels overseas for work, if he had the opportunity to add an extra couple of days I would be ok with it as a one off but not if he were travelling all the time. He can travel Monday morning and with the time difference can still put some hours in the office, nobody has ever required a 9am start when someone is flying in.

To OP, I don't think it is right for you to decide that your husbands career should go no further, that is for him to decide. You can decide what you do with your own career / working life however and should focus on that. I also have a background in working for very large multinationals and I can confirm, that a man asking for part time or flexible working would be viewed in a very dim light. A woman not much better to be honest.

I'd be interested to know what large company he works for that allows employees to pay for and claim back travel and hotels? Most large companies have a set provider that you have to book rail, hotel, flights etc through. You have no choice, it's a duty of care from the company.

Appreciate expenses such as lunches and taxi's get paid for then claimed back but not travel and hotels.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. I often fly to the US for work commitments and you absolutely have to fly out on Saturday evening at the latest to have some time to ground yourself before starting work on Monday morning.

Surely that is why a companies pays for business class? You travel the day before and wake up refreshed as you can sleep on the plane etc.

Mandarine. Stop showing off.

😂

I have read the whole thread now and some things do sound a bit odd. One that does not sound odd to me is that the husband told OP not to come up to his office but to stay in reception. This sounds totally normal to me. It sounds like my working life is similar to the husbands, in working for very large multinationals and no of course spouses or family members are not allowed to wander the building! They need to stay in reception!

Yeah, she's focusing on the wrong thing. Totally.

He just called saying his printer broke so he’s staying late

^^

This is a very, very bad excuse.

Ah bollocks OP it doesn't sound good but I admire your fighting spirit.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. I often fly to the US for work commitments and you absolutely have to fly out on Saturday evening at the latest to have some time to ground yourself before starting work on Monday morning.

So what happens if you need to be there on Thursday morning? Does your employer give you a couple of days off so you can fly out earlier and "ground yourself"?

"Whilst I appreciate that your are not feeling valued at the moment, making the decision on your husbands career path is extremely inappropriate."

With all his travelling, though, HE is making the decision on his WIFE's career path, i.e. that she can't have one because she has to be home to mind the children. Is that not also extremely inappropriate?

OP, the more you write, the worse it sounds. He is a high earner and yet you can't have any spending money. You can't use the credit card because he has put work expenses on it - but if/when the work expenses get reimbursed, he doesn't announce that you now have lots of money to fritter away however you want.

This is just all wrong. Please start to look out for yourself as he sure as hell isn't doing.

@Alfie190 Mine office is the same, unless pre-arranged with a manager to get access. You can't just waltz in, security would not let you unless a manager pre-cleared you and came down to reception to meet you.

Regarding the bank/credit issues, why does the OP not set up online banking to be able to view the statements? I presume she knows the account and credit card numbers.

Thanks for the replies. I’m trying to sort everything out now
Good to know there may be genuine reasons for what I find odd as well.
I know a number of men who have had affairs whilst travelling. Tbh an affair hadn’t really crossed my mind. He seems so bored of everyone all the time I’d be surprised if he could run off with someone else. But I feel like I could be being very naive now!
Re the printer he said he didn’t know the code to print from any other printers and was printing off personal stuff so had to stay until he sorted it?! I don’t know.

I spoke to my friend today. Funnily enough she said she thinks he’s a dick and she will lend me the money to see a solicitor if I don’t have any. Didn’t see that one coming everyone’s always been nice about him to my face!

I can’t get access to his credit cards because they’re his unless there is a way, he can see everything I spend as the joint card is in his name. I am a little worried about the apparent complete lack of money. My salary gone did leave us with less money each month but when we worked out me not working we worked out there should be £2k left over after all bills and a healthy amount of monthly saving. I would never have quit if it meant leaving us with nothing every month. He’s saying there’s nothing most months now.
Today I said I want him to spend time looking for the ‘black hole’ in our finances. To be fair he said he’d try work it out, it does seem strange there’s no money left.

I’m trying not to get too carried away in my head now. He’s telling me he’s no idea when he’s going to US now and he hasn’t booked his flights. I actually believe this as I overheard him on the phone earlier saying he still needs to book his flights. I feel like I don’t want to go snooping. Ive always felt like what’s the point. I do feel sick about it all now though.

Do you have a joint current account? If so, then refuse to use the credit card and start using that. Dh and I have a similar set up in that cc can only be in one name but you can have two cards; but we also get paper statements and have a joint current account I can access on my phone. It's not snooping - it's your joint money

OP, you really should be able to see his statements even if they’re ‘his’ cards. My DH has a spare CC that is only in his name (they refused to make it joint for some reason) but I can just ask him what the balance is and he’ll load the online statement. The secrecy around these accounts is really strange to me (also a SAHM with a DH earning a decent wage).

If anything, possible affair aside, this is sounding like financial abuse. Ask to see all your accounts. Offer to be the one who tries to find the black hole. If he refuses, ask why you can’t see them if your money is meant to be joint. It could be gambling, excessive drinking...maybe he’s playing high roller to friends and colleagues and covering meals and drinks while you’re playing skint at home. You have a right to know!

“stop showing off”

I came on to give a slightly alternative view that just because a DH travels and his wife may not have full clarity as to financial matters, this does not mean he is necessarily having an affair!

I think people are far too quick to come on and make sweeping statements like, “This screams affair”. Based on what? If a man is having an affair, he doesn’t need to go to NYC it do it fgs. It’s actually very unhelpful when the OP is feeling anxious and frustrated to insinuate such things, especially when nobody in here has clapped eyes on this DH or been able to gauge his character at all in real life.

Well he may have an OW, he may be a serial gambler, he may be anything, but so might anyone. How must the OP feel when she reads posts like, “One word...OW...sorry.”

When I read the OP and she describes her DH travelling “at least once a month”, I thought that was quite minor tbh. My DH used to be away most weeks, sometimes his “hobbies” or “hospitality” were tacked onto the end of trips and I would say this is a very common set-up for many many people.

The money situation does sound a bit weird, but the OP needs to ask him to explain in the first instance, before everyone jumps in suggesting sinister motivations. I admitted I don’t know exactly where all our family money is because it changes all the time - this does not spell “affair”. Trust is a different matter.

Regardless of all this, the OP clearly isn’t happy and needs to focus on getting back to work because this is what she posted about. Even if the DH stops his travel, she would still not be happy as a SAHM by the sounds of it, so posting here and recognising this is an important step.

Like mandarine my DH travelled a lot when our DC were small, often at short notice, and getting a phone call saying “guess where I am, it’s (insert somewhere exotic)” whilst up to my oxters in nappies wasn’t always welcome. Nature of that particular business, and travel ramped up as he developed his career.

However, we always had complete financial transparency - he used a separate CC to book flights and hotels and all work expenses, but I could always see the bills and all his pay and expenses was paid into a joint account that I managed online.

In your position I would definitely be checking all the finances, even if that meant digging out his CC bills.

@Mitzimaybe unless I have missed something....

• OP can have one and did until she chose to resign.
• OP choose not to work full time as only saw the kids on the weekend and she felt that was not enough.
• He did not tell her she had to quit to support his career.
• Option to have nanny was there.

Faithlulu It wasn't just the weekends. It was the fact that she always had to be the one that left early and before her team and do anything else related to childcare. This isn't fair. If both people work fulltime and want a good career it should be shared.

OP, it is ridiculous that you feel that investigating your families finances would be "prying". Why on earth have you asked him to look at the black hole in the family finances. Tell him you want to do it as you have time and need to get to the bottom of things. There is no good reason for him to not give you the passwords (he can change them to mutually agreed ones if necessary). If he won't do this I am afraid it demonstrates that he has something to hide.

Sorry I must have missed the post where she mentioned that she asked him to do the above and sat down with him and had a conversation, he said “ni it’s your responsibility”....