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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to end friendship over

168 replies

Littlejayx · 29/10/2018 18:25

Everything to do with our children being made into a competition?

My best friend and I have lived very close to each other since we were teeny and have just happened to do everything at the same time, buy houses, meet partners, buy cars etc etc. She has always made comparisons to EVERYTHING.

For example, I bought my first car (ford ka ugly purple colour) was as proud as punch as I had saved for months and months, she got a brand new bmw (on finance) then my car was for ‘peasants’ (jokey but still hurt my tiny fragile soul)

My partner has a manual job (works bloody hard and I’m super proud) , hers in finance (also very good job) bring about the same money but DP is ‘rough’

My house is a end terrace and quirky and we saved (while I was pregnant living with mother in law) quickly for it. My friend says we bought a shit house and she doesn’t like it and hers is more classy.

Weddings, I chose small (tiny family many dramas) it was my taste she said it was nothing to hers and I should have put more money into it

All this pisses me off, but I know what she’s like and this is just how she handles her issues by taking it out on other people. I love her apart from all this competition.

BUT

our babies have four months between them, my daughter is my world, but still isn’t the best sleeper and still breastfeeds so the sleep deprivation is stressing me out.

As a friend I would expect abit of love, I just get ‘My daughter has slept through since 3 months’ ‘you always have the worse luck’

My daughter started walking at 14 months and I was over the moon, hers at 10 I was super proud of them both and cried (over emotional) when I saw them walking together. ‘See MY daughter is a lot cleverer and advanced’

My daughter is very chatty, hers not so much ( every child does things different times!) apparently that’s not as important as physical attributes 😩. And my daughter is behind.

She also won’t take her daughter to her assessments because ‘there’s no point she will smash them’

How do I tell her that I don’t want this part of our lives to be like this too?!

OP posts:
KeiTeNgeNge · 30/10/2018 09:54

Good luck - hope she sees reason

JellyBears · 30/10/2018 09:58

I think it’s time to say goodbye!! She doesn’t sound much like a friend to me. I find people like that see usually very insecure and unhappy with their own lives.

HolyMountain · 30/10/2018 10:05

No way in hell would I stay friends with a woman who spoke to me the way this woman does to you.

So she has periods of unhappiness that result in you getting the shit end of her tongue and anger?

Bollocks to that, 20 years of friendship or not.

Pulipatchouli · 30/10/2018 10:16

I don't agree with any of those responses.

If she is otherwise a good friend, get very her feedback.

If she says something dodgy, respond with
'that is a very rude thing to say' then see how she reacts.
You could try 'i think it is mean to criticise house/wedding/whatever.

She obviously thinks it doesn't upset you because you have just absorbed it before.

When she REALISES she upsets you she will either apokogise, or defend herself. Then you 'll know for sure if she's a proper mate .

Gingerlover2 · 30/10/2018 10:20

Sometimes we grow out of friendships. This is quite toxic and clearly not making you feel respected and happy (which is what friendships are meant to do, amongst other things) time to distance yourself.

Or alternatively you could sit her down and explain calmly how she makes you feel but she doesn't sound particularly mature, so be prepared for it not to work.

BlueStockingUK · 30/10/2018 10:26

OP my longest friendship lasted 22 years, I loved her & her children. For many reasons, I began to step back and ended our relationship via a series of texts. I have NO regrets whatsoever. I grieved our relationship during our friendship. The amount of times not included, secrets, snide comments, her secret affairs. From the brief snippets I've seen/heard her life remains fabulous. I remain devoted & faithful & happy.

ohfourfoxache · 30/10/2018 10:34

Doesn’t matter WHAT she’s going through - it’s no excuse for being a bitch.

This woman ain’t no friend.

HellenaHandbasket · 30/10/2018 10:35

Nah. You can't just not realise that behaving like this isn't cool

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 30/10/2018 11:05

OP, do you have low self-esteem? I wonder if that's why you have been willing to tolerate someone treating you so badly. Rather than trying to persuade your "friend" to behave in a more reasonable manner, I suggest you work on your self esteem and find some nicer people to hang out with

Let me guess – does she also say things like "I tell it like it is", and "I like to be honest, people know where they stand with me"?

Or my personal favourite –"I'm a Marmite person, people love me or hate me"? (in that case, most people will hate her).

Sometimes, people get away with treating others badly because no one dares to confront them. The phrase "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" springs to mind

It's not your job to teach her how to be a nicer person. Better to protect your own interests and move on. In your shoes, I wouldn't bother confronting her. I would probably drift away gradually, becoming slightly less available

Original poster
Littlejayx · 30/10/2018 13:02

Hi all, thanks for all your messages!

I don’t have low self esteem and I wouldn’t say I’m a push over but I sometimes do let things slide because of her hard times.

I am heading over to hers and I’m going to bring it up now.

She has helped me through horrible times and been a amazing friend (lived with her when homeless, was first to the hospital after baby with everything I needed, been on holiday with both of our families) so I don’t want this bitchy behaviour to end that.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 30/10/2018 13:07

When she REALISES she upsets you she will either apokogise, or defend herself.

Why would anyone not be upset by these kind of comments?

I have excellent self esteem, I don’t particularly need validation from my friends but these comments are dreadful.

A good friend being rude about your new cushions/lampshades/jumper might be something you can laugh off as a matter of differing tastes but this woman has been rude about the OP’s DH, DD, home and wedding.

Not only that but she has unfavourably compared them to her own DH, D.C, home and wedding.

That’s not acceptable between any friends, in any circumstances.

“I didn’t realise you don’t like me saying your child is behind mine” isn’t really going to cut it.

KittyMcTitty · 30/10/2018 13:09

Let the friendship go - if you write it in a letter she will feel the need to defend - ultimately only have things in your life that bring you joy and this certainly is not bringing you joy!

Some of the things you mention are nasty - the childcare thing -you shouldn't have to justify it - you aren't leaving your child with knives on the street!

You could give it one last go - next time she says something just call her on it - "Do you relaise you always have to put me down and it hurts my feelings" she probably doesn't even realise she is doing it (not that that is ok) and if she carries on it's the way she is and take some time to find new kind friends - friends should make you feel good about yourself and support your decisions.

I am letting a long term friendship slide as she always makes little comments and digs, and we have been friends for about 18 years but that doesn't mean I need to put up with that and find myself having unkind thoughts and preparing myself to defend myself before I see her - feel much better now! No big showdown just respond a little slower to messages and not commit to meeting up.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/10/2018 13:13

A friend lifts you up when you are feeling down
A friends helps you out, even when you dont ask
A friend points out the good and wonderful in you, when you are feeling useless and inadequate
A friend laughs with you, not at you
A friendship is one of give and take. Not just give or take
A friend will tell you when you are out of line, but in a way that builds you up
A friend will love and be proud of your kids like they love and are proud of their own."

@SeaToSki - what a perfect definition of friendship - you are so eloquent.

tattyheadsmum · 30/10/2018 13:17

I ended a 15 year friendship for exactly the same reasons OP. I’d put up with the digs about me/my husband/family/house for years but the second she started on my son I cut her dead.

I blame myself as I should have picked her up on her “advice” a long time before, but I don’t miss her.

Good luck.

MrsVietor · 30/10/2018 13:53

Good luck OP. You sound much, much nicer than your friend!

CoraPirbright · 30/10/2018 18:04

How did it go OP? Hoping she took on board what you said and apologised (but I doubt it).

Original poster
Littlejayx · 30/10/2018 20:30

Hi all,

Thank you for all your wise words!

I spoke to her today, I was around hers for a brew and catch up, I brought it up first. Just explained that she makes me feel low when she is making these constant comparisons between our lives.
I told her that no two people have the same taste in men, houses, or cars and none are better than the other.
And comparing our babies makes them sound like little tiny objects not tiny humans.

She got abit defensive saying she never would say anything like that blah blah then I wasn’t expecting it but she completely broke down. I mean full tears (ugly crying face that we both share).
She said she sometimes does throw money at things, it’s her way of faking happiness? I don’t know if that is a thing
And she has no partner now as has left and she is starting fresh, she has a lot of debt and she may come across nasty but she’s really not sure how to handle things.
She had also had another similar conversation with her mother about this.

About the children comparing, she said she sometimes worries about some things her daughter can’t do and picking at things she does do makes her feel better

It was hard to be firm because i Just wanted to hug her and tell her everyone goes through a hard time and the people around you help you through it. But I half firmly (think panacotta) said ‘ these little competitions and comparisons are affecting our friendship, It doesn’t stop I won’t be here to help you through all this’

We left it there and she hasn’t contacted me since as I said a little space was needed.

I hope I haven’t been nasty but I couldn’t let this carry on 😩

OP posts:
hiddeneverything · 30/10/2018 20:32

She sounds like a horrible person

Orchiddingme · 30/10/2018 20:33

Wow, you sound amazing. Compassionate but firm. Hope this is a turning point for your friendship, and if not, you know you have options.

Santaisgettingbusy · 30/10/2018 20:37

Well done op!!

RavenLG · 30/10/2018 20:47

You did what you needed to for your own sanity OP. Hopefully this is the shock she needs to address her toxic behaviours and change, for her own (and her daughters) sake.

brighteyeowl17 · 30/10/2018 20:49

I had a friend like this. We were friends from age 11 to 32. I then friend ‘divorced her’ as I realised everything she said to me had a backhanded insult attached. I got tired. No time in life for all of that. She is probably jealous of you!

QueenOfCatan · 30/10/2018 20:55

Well done op, with friends like that you Don tneed enemies! I'd be very careful going forward as I expect she'll 'behave' for a while and it'll all start up again. At which point you should just drop her because so needs that negativity in their lives?

PawneeParksDept · 30/10/2018 20:56

Bravo OP

category12 · 30/10/2018 21:00

I feel sorry for her now. I hope she comes back to you in a positive way and you patch it up. I think her mum also bringing it up will have leant weight to it. Hopefully she'll make an effort and change.