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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to end friendship over

168 replies

Littlejayx · 29/10/2018 18:25

Everything to do with our children being made into a competition?

My best friend and I have lived very close to each other since we were teeny and have just happened to do everything at the same time, buy houses, meet partners, buy cars etc etc. She has always made comparisons to EVERYTHING.

For example, I bought my first car (ford ka ugly purple colour) was as proud as punch as I had saved for months and months, she got a brand new bmw (on finance) then my car was for ‘peasants’ (jokey but still hurt my tiny fragile soul)

My partner has a manual job (works bloody hard and I’m super proud) , hers in finance (also very good job) bring about the same money but DP is ‘rough’

My house is a end terrace and quirky and we saved (while I was pregnant living with mother in law) quickly for it. My friend says we bought a shit house and she doesn’t like it and hers is more classy.

Weddings, I chose small (tiny family many dramas) it was my taste she said it was nothing to hers and I should have put more money into it

All this pisses me off, but I know what she’s like and this is just how she handles her issues by taking it out on other people. I love her apart from all this competition.

BUT

our babies have four months between them, my daughter is my world, but still isn’t the best sleeper and still breastfeeds so the sleep deprivation is stressing me out.

As a friend I would expect abit of love, I just get ‘My daughter has slept through since 3 months’ ‘you always have the worse luck’

My daughter started walking at 14 months and I was over the moon, hers at 10 I was super proud of them both and cried (over emotional) when I saw them walking together. ‘See MY daughter is a lot cleverer and advanced’

My daughter is very chatty, hers not so much ( every child does things different times!) apparently that’s not as important as physical attributes 😩. And my daughter is behind.

She also won’t take her daughter to her assessments because ‘there’s no point she will smash them’

How do I tell her that I don’t want this part of our lives to be like this too?!

OP posts:
Vampiratequeen · 29/10/2018 20:30

Wow. Well she is obviously very insecure, my guess is she doesn't want to take her DD to her assessment because she doesn't think she will do very well. I would tell her to stop, that your DD is going to understand soon what she is saying and you don't want her to feel self conscious.
Also in regards to the no socialization until 3, what a load of crap. My LB is 13 months old and we go to a baby group every week and he has come on leaps and bounds since we started going and I am talking in 4 weeks. He plays lovely, doesn't snatch as much etc. Also my DD started Nursery when she was 12 months, never hurt her, she was advanced in most areas, she is friendly and happy, she is also very loving and cuddly, but can also play independently. All babies need socialising it is how they learn, so don't let her make you feel bad for that.

SallyWD · 29/10/2018 20:31

I have a childhood friend a little like this but your friend sounds a thousand times worse! I'd be so hurt and resentful if someome said these things to me. My friend often makes mean remarks but I if I challenge her and say "what do you mean? That's not fair" she always backs down and looks a little sheepish. I think you should tell her exactly how you feel and if she doesn't change then end the friendship.

QueenofallIsee · 29/10/2018 20:35

Op, I have a friend of 20years. She is my biggest fan, would throat punch anyone who ran me down, has stepped in when I have been low, bigs me up when I have moments of low self esteem. She tells me when I am being silly or unreasonable but would support me anyway if it came down to it. CAN YOU SAY THE SAME? That is what female friendship is supposed to be like my love, bin her off and make friends worthy of the title

AuntMarch · 29/10/2018 20:35

I have not read it all get but would you be friends with this person if you had met her more recently or is it just a sense of duty now.

Do NOT let her make you feel guilty about child care. I never used to like the idea of such young children in nursery, but since working in nurseries for the last 15 years (had to count and check that. Feel old now) and seeing the progress that is made in a good nursery through being around other children and in a stimulating environment I think they can be wonderful. Opposite of isolating and great for social skills! sounds like the best of both worlds for your little one

amprev · 29/10/2018 20:36

Sounds toxic to me and best avoided. Tempting though it may be to tell her how she makes you feel, I would probably take the easier option of slowly phasing her out of your life. I've got distant school gate mum friends who sound more supportive than this nasty habit of a friend.

Maelstrop · 29/10/2018 20:37

Typical frenemy. She basically keeps you around to make herself feel good.

Have you ever tackled her on anything she says or do you just nod meekly and allow her to rubbish your life/partner/child?!

ainsisoisje · 29/10/2018 20:40

It’s so annoying and childish. Me and my mate did this a lot, both grew up in competitive families and were quite insecure. I’d try and say something to show she’s being a knob. Something like, well I liked that car, my house etc. A look won’t do it. Unchecked it just gets worse and she might even think she’s just ribbing you and not realise how hurt you are. In fact I bet she has no idea how you feel. Not that any of this is your fault she’s stuck with a old bad habit. Or she’s just a cow.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 29/10/2018 20:45

She's an arsehole and you need to go and tell her to go and fuck herself. Hate people like that.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/10/2018 20:55

I would ask her “Why would you say something so unkind?”, in a mildly baffled tone of voice, every time she makes one of her digs. If she says it wasn’t meant to be unkind, ask her to explain exactly how what she said was a compliment because you can’t see how it could be one.

Or say “That’s it. I have had enough of your nasty comments. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t bother coming back. Bye bye.” And show her the door.

Accountant222 · 29/10/2018 21:15

That's no friend

Rayn · 29/10/2018 21:32

It sounds like she is insecure and is using this and 'you' to feel better about herself. It sounds like she has some issues she needs to deal with but I would stick up for myself.
The nursery issue I would say my child my choice!! Quite firm to make her realise you are not gonna put up with it.

See how the friendship goes or maybe it's have a heart to heart and say it is not a competition!!
Xx

WhyAmISoCold · 29/10/2018 21:37

Yes YABVU. Because you refer to her as a friend. This bitch is no friend of yours. It doesn't matter how long you have known her. She really is a poisonous cow.

noworklifebalance · 29/10/2018 21:45

Leave the"friendship" asap.

Soon she will be getting in your daughter's ear, belittling her, eroding her self confidence and taking her self worth...and you will be enabling her.

You need to role model to your daughter your own self worth, self respect and respect for your family.

Original poster
Littlejayx · 29/10/2018 21:54

Thanks for all the advice.

I’m going to see her tomorrow for a hour and am going to wait until the jibes start, breathe in and out then calmly explain how this is making me feel.

Looking back on this I do think she’s being intentionally mean but I think it’s when things get bad in her life.

Like now is a super hard time for her and I have been there helping her deep clean a house before she moved out etc etc when things are good she’s fine.

Do you think I’m just one part of her life she can judge when she looses control???

OP posts:
category12 · 29/10/2018 21:59

OP, she doesn't get to use you as an emotional punchbag, whatever hard time she's going through. Boundaries.

Rebecca36 · 29/10/2018 22:01

I hate that sort of competitiveness and never got sucked into it.
Your friend sounds like someone I wouldn't befriend. She's stupid.

I expect she is like that with other people too and hopefully they will drop her or tell her and she'll get the message.

Mummblebee · 29/10/2018 22:12

I had a childhood friend like this aswell for over 20 years.

I cut her off Completely with no explanation. Blocked her and moved on with my life.

I've known her long enough to know she will never change and I will always be used as a punching bag to make her feel better about her own life. Even as kids as the age of 6 or 7 I remember her saying "look at your shoes and look at mine". My shoes were worn hand me downs from an older sibling polished up by my mum and hers were lovely new trendy pumps.

Sometimes I think I may have been a little harsh in not bothering to discuss it with her but I know she won't change and would somehow belittle or dismiss my feelings making me question myself.

When I had my daughter I decided I did not want to have a close relationship with someone who can't help but put me down. It had always been our dynamic and it had to stop. I tried distancing myself a few times but when someone has been in your life for such a long time it is very easy for them to weasel their way back into your life repeating the same old narrative.

I'd say the season of your friendship is over and its in your best interest to move on.

I wouldn't be surprised if this friendship is the root of a lot of insecurity and low self esteem. You may think you are in control of this situation and make excuses for her but one day you might resent letting someone speak death into your life and circumstances.

You rock. She's petty and shallow who clearly has different values and priorities.

She's going to drag you down. Damage control and get her out! You will meet new friends.

cushioncuddle · 29/10/2018 22:17

The purpose ,which is subconscious to her, is to justify her decisions , choices and to make her feel less insecure.
She probably finds making choices hard and slagging an opposite choice off is trying to reaffirm that her decisions were for the best.
However like a bully in school it only stops the insecurity for the split second they do it then it's back to feeling rubbish.
You accepted her behaviour , I did too once and it has now become the norm.
Ask her why she criticises everything you do. When she says she doesn't give examples. Then just say it needs to stop. She probably knows it needs to deep down.
Looking back I can't believe I allowed myself to take the insults and feel an idiot for it. But now the relief is immense that it's stopped.
I cut ties after a while even though she had stopped as I was too cross with her. I feel so much better she's not in my life.

maplebaconbun · 29/10/2018 22:17

I couldn't deal with stuff being said about my DC. That would be the end of it for me ! She can't be a good friend if she's putting you down all the time . I would start creating some distance too as PP have said.

Ellie56 · 29/10/2018 22:22

Why do you think she is your friend when she thinks she is better than you and puts you and everything you have, down all the time?

I would dump her. She sounds a right bitch.

KC225 · 29/10/2018 22:32

Just seen your update and what a shame, after 4 pages you begin to make excuses for her ....... Its a hard time for her and I don't think she intends to be mean etc.

You know what will happen if you tell her her how the jibes hurt you. She will accuse you of being over sensitive and if you persisit I bet there will be a few tears and you will end up comforting and apologising to her and it will continue.

Why you would put with those comments, what have your parents, DH, other friends said about this woman? A few posters above have mentioned your DD. Not that she should not see her Mother being treated like that, but what if she was on the receiving end of those comments during all the big ticket moments of life.

Back away, use this time to make new friends at college at nursery. This friendship has run its course.

April2020mom · 29/10/2018 22:39

Honestly she sounds insecure and I recommend taking a step back for a while. She’s a bully no doubt about it. This is not going to end well for either of you guys either.
Please do something about it now before it’s too late for reasonable action. You’re not being overly sensitive here. Far from it in fact. This is not healthy. At all. Also she seems uncultured and rather childish. What are your options for ending the relationship with your friend?
Be mature.

HollowTalk · 29/10/2018 22:40

I think if you look back you'll find she's nice when you're doing something for her. She's not daft - she knows that if she was nasty to you while you were scrubbing her floor, you'd get up and go.

I can't think of one reason why you'd want to stay friends with this awful woman.

BackInRed · 29/10/2018 22:44

You're not her punching bag, please stop allowing her to make you that. Lots of people go through rough times without treating their supposed friends like shit.

She sounds more like a frenemy then a genuine friend.

BeautifulPossibilities · 29/10/2018 22:45

She's making herself feel better by comparing herself to you. Her comparisons are ridiculous and she's a judgey cow. Tell her to fuck off, ditch her as a friend and live your life. How fucking dare she.