WIBU to end friendship over

[Littlejayx]

Everything to do with our children being made into a competition?

My best friend and I have lived very close to each other since we were teeny and have just happened to do everything at the same time, buy houses, meet partners, buy cars etc etc. She has always made comparisons to EVERYTHING.

For example, I bought my first car (ford ka ugly purple colour) was as proud as punch as I had saved for months and months, she got a brand new bmw (on finance) then my car was for ‘peasants’ (jokey but still hurt my tiny fragile soul)

My partner has a manual job (works bloody hard and I’m super proud) , hers in finance (also very good job) bring about the same money but DP is ‘rough’

My house is a end terrace and quirky and we saved (while I was pregnant living with mother in law) quickly for it. My friend says we bought a shit house and she doesn’t like it and hers is more classy.

Weddings, I chose small (tiny family many dramas) it was my taste she said it was nothing to hers and I should have put more money into it

All this pisses me off, but I know what she’s like and this is just how she handles her issues by taking it out on other people. I love her apart from all this competition.

BUT

our babies have four months between them, my daughter is my world, but still isn’t the best sleeper and still breastfeeds so the sleep deprivation is stressing me out.

As a friend I would expect abit of love, I just get ‘My daughter has slept through since 3 months’ ‘you always have the worse luck’

My daughter started walking at 14 months and I was over the moon, hers at 10 I was super proud of them both and cried (over emotional) when I saw them walking together. ‘See MY daughter is a lot cleverer and advanced’

My daughter is very chatty, hers not so much ( every child does things different times!) apparently that’s not as important as physical attributes 😩. And my daughter is behind.

She also won’t take her daughter to her assessments because ‘there’s no point she will smash them’

How do I tell her that I don’t want this part of our lives to be like this too?!

Eventually this will wear you down if it hasn't already. Take it from one who's been there.

Slowly reduce contact, don't do the inviting out anymore, make an excuse here & there not to do stuff, just generally fade it out. No dramatics or anything. And play out with nice people instead - there are lots of them around. You don't need this in your life xx

Can you cope with years and years of competitive parenting - what book are they reading? What instrument do they play? What sport do they excel at? Omg!! Would drive me mad- you sound lovely and she sounds like a friend from hell to me

She's batshit.

"I love her apart from all this competition." Not sure what else there is for you two if she makes it into a competition.

You deserve better friends than someone who constantly puts you and your family down. I would get rid of her!

I think I would have ended it well before this point.

If I'd been willing to let the peasant comment slide, unlikely but I see how it happened; her calling my hard working much loved DP "rough"would have been the end.

I suspect she keeps you around for the purposes of having you in your place as long as your place remains beneath her and she can neg you often.

Comparison is the thief of joy etc and this will be the rest of your life if you don't nip it now.

Instead of ghosting, or ending it why not be up front and let her know you know exactly what she is doing and that enough is enough if she wants your friendship.

If you do carry this friendship on, make sure your DD goes to a different school and has different activities or this will be her life too.

Can you put up with her child doing this to your child in the years to come?

As that's what you have to look forward to if you don't tell her to fuck right off with her superiority complex. You're being far too kind to her. Many people go through hard times without being an ass to their "friends".

I had a friend like this. Note had.
I’d known her for 17 years when we had dc two days apart !
She’d always been annoying, but once dc were involved it stepped up a level and tbh was more insulting.

Every time I said oh my dc is going to this club she’d sign them up to a bigger better version. It was hugely annoying. Imo, life’s too short. I went NC. She got super annoying after this but then she left me alone and told everyone it was all my fault were no longer friends. I didn’t even care by this point.
She even tried to measure my dc height one day when mine had grown taller than hers and she tried to say maybe it’s their shoes having different heights soles. Oh god makes me cringe just thinking about it. The dc were 3 at the time.

DTB (ditch the bitch)

Next time she starts, I’d say ‘ there you go on the put-downs again (laugh). I think I should be getting a bingo card soon so I can tick all the put-downs off (laugh, laugh). Keep it light, but let her know you’ve noticed.

My dd had a friend like that in primary school. One day dd took a toy into school and laughingly told me "I bet A* has two much bigger and better ones"

She also won’t take her daughter to her assessments because ‘there’s no point she will smash them

This is what stood out for me. She isnt going because she doesnt want to be told that her child isnt in fact super talented or gifted. She takes her self worth from comparisons with others, you or your child, and simply cannot cope with evidence that proves she is not coming out on top.

She is clearly very troubled but frankly this isnt your fault. I wouldnt bother trying to salvage it, she wont change as this is too ingrained. But I would be telling her in no uncertain terms why I was ending the friendship.

I have a friend who is similar, she isn't rude, but has to have the best of everything. She gets upset if someone has something better than her. She is very busy keeping up with everyone, doing everything and posting everything on FB.
Her funny thing is if she can't one up someone, she tries to convince them not to get the house/car/outfit.
I have found that it's easier to focus on her good qualities and just limit the time we spend together.

A friend lifts you up when you are feeling down
A friends helps you out, even when you dont ask
A friend points out the good and wonderful in you, when you are feeling useless and inadequate
A friend laughs with you, not at you
A friendship is one of give and take. Not just give or take
A friend will tell you when you are out of line, but in a way that builds you up
A friend will love and be proud of your kids like they love and are proud of their own.

It sounds like you are a friemd, but is she?

She sounds a terrible friend... you would be much better off without her. What does it say about your self esteem if you let her talk to you like that?

Beautifully put "SeatoSki*

Sorry OP, I know long friendships are hard to let go of, but her going through rough times is no excuse. You're not being sensitive, you're listening to your gut feelings and those feelings are telling you to need to cut your ties with this woman.

The relationship you have with her is not a true friendship, it's toxic and you need to leave it in the past where it belongs.

Her going through rough times is no excuse. You're not being sensitive, you're listening to your gut feelings and those feelings are telling you

YWBVVU to allow this bully to continue to belittle and insult you and your precious baby girl! Please don’t allow this women to put you and your daughter down, especially in front of your baby!

She is NOT a friend! She never has been!

I’m Autistic/ Aspie and my daughter and son are too. We are vulnerable to ‘friends’ like this, because we struggle to spot negative intentions and often Aspi’s have few friends and struggle socially so we are more likely to put up with the poor behaviour of our friends.

Is it possible that like me, you struggle socially and have not recognised the cruel side to your friend properly, until she has started putting your baby down!? I found that I became much more alert about the behaviour of ‘friends’ after having my children! I have still been hurt several times and have become more protective of myself and my children. I take no crap now!

You have a lovely life by the sound of it, I would be willing to bet that she is jealous of you in some way (be it your looks, your happy relationship, your intellect or something else), she clearly feels insecure around you which is why she is constantly putting you down!

I would stop her in her tracks and say

‘I have overlooked your superiority and spiteful comments for years now, thinking that our friendship is more important than pulling you up on your awful behaviour! You have taken this too far now! I will not listen to your nasty comments about my baby girl! This ‘friendship’ is over! A true friend would never belittle and rubbish her friend and especially not an innocent baby! You can find someone else to put up with your nastiness because I am out! Please leave now, you are no longer welcome in my home’

Then I would block her on all social media and phones!

I bet your family and husband will be delighted that you are free from her spiteful behaviour!

She is probably lying about the assessments tbh.

My friend says we bought a shit house and she doesn’t like it and hers is more classy

You know what's classy? - not a being a nasty, toxic bitch. She's not your friend.

babies don’t need socialising until they are 3
She also won’t take her daughter to her assessments because ‘there’s no point she will smash them’
Toxic woman sounds dumb as dogshit.

I do think she’s being intentionally mean but I think it’s when things get bad in her life.
Stop making excuses for her! Of course she's saying these things deliberately. She's insecure, nasty and vile.

Get rid of her before your DD picks up on all the venom spewing out of this woman's mouth. Do you really want your child being subjected to them and possibly affecting her self esteem as mother and daughter become a toxic double act as the girls get older?

Think UnderTheSleepingBaby has given some really good advice, but I would just distance myself and be unavailable / forget to call etc. Had a similar friend at school - fine when the two of us were together, but then there were these nasty little digs at me said as a "joke" when any other friend joined us. Took another friend to point out that she was putting me down to make herself look good in front of the other person. When I realized, I just became an acquaintance rather than a good friend and eventually it fizzled completely.

OP, you just need to find another friend to spend time with and with a small child at playgroups and in the school playground you should soon make new friends. Good luck

*I’m going to see her tomorrow for a hour and am going to wait until the jibes start, breathe in and out then calmly explain how this is making me feel.

Looking back on this I do think she’s being intentionally mean but I think it’s when things get bad in her life.

Like now is a super hard time for her and I have been there helping her deep clean a house before she moved out etc etc when things are good she’s fine.

Do you think I’m just one part of her life she can judge when she looses control???*

Honestly, OP!! This is such a frustrating read.

Do you think so little of yourself and your family?

You were deep cleaning her house?!
You are her skivvy that whenever she clicks her fingers you go running. She keeps you down so you never leave and feel like you have a purpose.

Tell me I am wrong and that she helped you move, clean your house, was excited about your wedding, whooped with joy when you had a baby, put an arm round you when needed it, picked you up when you felt low?

Stop focusing on her needs and start focussing on your daughter's needs and the fact this woman should never be seen or heard by your DD for the sake of your DD's future mental health.

I had a friend a bit like this. She was always negative and covered it up by saying she was "honest". No she was a bitch and I was so much happier when the friendship ended. I can't see what you're getting out of this friendship. It may be 20 years long, but where are the positives for you? I can see what she gets out of it but not you. She's not really a friend, real friends don't treat eachother the way she treats you. You seem far too grounded and nice to keep being someone else's doormat.

Good luck with your meeting with her today. I hope she takes your points with grace but I doubt it.

She's an arsehole, and definitely isn't a friend by the standard definition.