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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How reliant are you on your partner?

134 replies

purplelass · 29/10/2018 11:23

Another thread has got me thinking - how much do you rely on your partner and how much reliance on another person is OK?

I'd shared a home with my ExH for 23 years so suddenly being a single mum to a teenager was a bit of a shock! However, it turned out that I am as strong, clever, stubborn and brave as I need to be. I very rarely need to ask my now DP for help with anything, which may be partly to do with the fact we don't live together, but I really enjoy my independence and love the sense of achievement I get from doing things for myself!

I'm concerned when women post on here that they are so reliant on their DP / DH for anything - you never know what's around the corner and having been there, done that, I do believe that independence is so important, even in a loving mutually supportive relationship.

OP posts:
HRTpatch · 29/10/2018 11:25

I am totally independent. I dont rely on him for money or tangible things.
However I value his emotional support.

Sitranced · 29/10/2018 11:26

I'm totally independent. However, DP dependant on me.

Stephisaur · 29/10/2018 11:29

I can't say that either of us are dependant on the other financially.

We have a joint account for the bills, but each have our own personal current and savings accounts.

I drive and pay for my own car. DH doesn't drive, but is capable of getting around without me.

The only thing I really depend on him for is carrying heavy things and reaching high items at the moment. Even that is only because I'm 7 months pregnant otherwise I'd do those too!

My Mum was utterly dependant on my Dad though when they were married, so she's always cautioned me not to be like her. It took her 18 years to be able to leave, and she's never wanted us kids to be stuck like that.

frasersmummy · 29/10/2018 11:31

I have very recently been widowed and left with a 12year old. If you had asked me 12 months ago how reliant I was on DH I would have given you a very different answer
I have surprised myself by how much I can do ..both physically and mentally

I think all of us are more independent and or stronger than we realise

ShanghaiDiva · 29/10/2018 11:31

I consider myself pretty independent - go on holiday on my own, manage all our finances. We have been expats for a very long time so while life for him is pretty much same office, different view I am the one that has learnt the new language, sorted out schools, visa paperwork, helped the kids to find clubs etc.

My mil, by contrast, does nothing on her own, cannot drive and completely relies on fil - it does worry me how she will manage if he dies first.

treaclesoda · 29/10/2018 11:32

I am financially dependent on him if I want life to continue exactly as it is.

However, I would be able to survive on my own, I'm not completely dependent on him. I could live in a different area, smaller house etc, increase my hours at work, find a better paid job if I needed to. I'm not trapped.

flamingofridays · 29/10/2018 11:33

I would say I am quite independent, I would be fine if we split up. Enough money etc

I do all the "life admin" though to be honest, so I think it would hit him more than me. Don't think he'd know where to start!

Flower777 · 29/10/2018 11:34

I’m quite lazy so I do rely on him for various things but I could do everything if I had to.

Haggisfish · 29/10/2018 11:36

We depend on each other to enable the other to have time to themselves. We could easily survive well on our own, though. There is nothing either of us do that the other one couldn’t ifswim. We each earn a salary that could enable us to survive independently.

Original poster
purplelass · 29/10/2018 11:37

Good to see plenty of strong independent ladies here Smile

I wasn't really referring to finances though, I mean more the little things, like changing a light bulb / putting the bins out / mowing the lawn / fixing the car or even putting petrol in / leaving the house when it's dark / the list is pretty endless for some people!

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 29/10/2018 11:38

Totally independent and was for the 8 years before we met.
I can survive on my own.

Babdoc · 29/10/2018 11:38

I’ve been widowed for nearly 27 years. I used to rely heavily on DH for emotional and social support, as I’m autistic and had toxic parents.
However, as PPs have said, you always find you are more resilient than you thought. I’ve raised two children alone from babyhood, had a career as a hospital doctor and am now retired. However, I still miss the love and companionship of my soulmate.

ErickBroch · 29/10/2018 11:38

Not financially dependent at all, but his emotional support is invaluable to me as I have quite GAD. I hope (and think) he would say the same about me!

SoyDora · 29/10/2018 11:38

At the moment I am financially dependent on him (as a SAHM), but things are arranged in a way which means that if anything happened I’d be absolutely fine financially, plus I have kept up my qualifications and professional body membership.
Everything else... well things are easier with him doing his share but I could manage it on my own.

Mrskeats · 29/10/2018 11:38

You can get a handyman you know!

ilovesooty · 29/10/2018 11:39

My ex didn't do any of the things on that list. He was pretty lost when I left him though.

Pissedoffdotcom · 29/10/2018 11:40

Not at all. I was a single mum for five years prior to meeting him; i managed my finances, ran my home, changed my own lightbulbs. Now he is around he has taken over the maintainence side of things, including the cars...but if he left i would just revert back to how it was.

We had a blip a year ago where he left for a few months, and when he came back i reminded him that i had coped. I love him, i want him around & i miss him when he isn't here...but i don't need him.

Original poster
purplelass · 29/10/2018 11:40

You can get a handyman you know!

I'd much rather learn to do things for myself though - YouTube in one hand and a tool box in the other, I must save myself a fortune!

OP posts:
5BlindMice · 29/10/2018 11:41

Financially I’m completely dependent on him, we’re married so wouldn’t be completely up shit creek if we split up, and he has life insurance should he pass away suddenly. Nothing I can do to change that though as I can’t work.

Health wise I’m not dependent on him but I’d struggle a lot more as a lone parent.

He’s also my best friend (I have zero other friends) so I guess I’m very dependent on him.....

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 29/10/2018 11:42

Not at all dependent. Have my own income, go on my own holidays, live my own life just fine. although he is much better at fixing my bike than I am so I tend to get him to do it as I hate it. But I should probably try a bit harder.

Blanchedupetitpois · 29/10/2018 11:43

Not financially or practically, but we both depend hugely on each other for emotional support. I think that’s one of the reasons to have a partner - someone who has your back completely and is there for you.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 29/10/2018 11:44

I am completely independent as I was a single mum to three children before we got together and had another baby. He helps financially and does certain jobs around the house that I would rather not do, though I would be able to do if I had to.

stegosauruslady · 29/10/2018 11:45

I'm pretty independent.

I just keep him around for sex Wink

spidey66 · 29/10/2018 11:47

Not dependent financially.
Emotionally, to a degree.
Practically-I don't drive, but I live in London, so not dependent on him for this day to day. He's much better at diy than me, but I can afford to pay someone to put shelves up!

noworklifebalance · 29/10/2018 11:48

I mean more the little things, like changing a light bulb / putting the bins out / mowing the lawn / fixing the car or even putting petrol in / leaving the house when it's dark

Totally independent unless there are slugs involved.

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