How reliant are you on your partner?

[purplelass]

Another thread has got me thinking - how much do you rely on your partner and how much reliance on another person is OK?

I'd shared a home with my ExH for 23 years so suddenly being a single mum to a teenager was a bit of a shock! However, it turned out that I am as strong, clever, stubborn and brave as I need to be. I very rarely need to ask my now DP for help with anything, which may be partly to do with the fact we don't live together, but I really enjoy my independence and love the sense of achievement I get from doing things for myself!

I'm concerned when women post on here that they are so reliant on their DP / DH for anything - you never know what's around the corner and having been there, done that, I do believe that independence is so important, even in a loving mutually supportive relationship.

I don't work because of chronic illness, and haven't in ages. I don't get benefits, so rely on DH financially. It's not a position I like being in, what I also don't really know what to do about it. I could probably work for a bit if he disappeared, but most likely that would cause my illness to get worse gradually, and I'd end up in a worse position I started in.

At times when I've been more ill, I've depended on him in many other ways, too, as he's acted as my carer and advocate and emotional and physical support. Luckily that's not really necessary right now, and I can get on with most things on my own.

Otherwise I wouldn't call it dependance, just a normal partnership where we both help each other. I have friends and other social connections and am able to learn to do anything I need to around the house etc.

I can be completely independent. If he died tomorrow I'd be devastated, but I'd cope - I'd need to downsize (we make financial decisions based on two incomes) and I'd need to outsource some of the tech support he gives me, but most DIY, financially etc I'd be ok. I value his emotional support and being able to split the household tasks and I doubt I'd take on another renovation project but I'm not reliant on him for anything completely.

I don't do slugs. Other than that I can do most things maintenance/mechanically inclined if needs be - but to be honest, if he's 6 foot 7 and likes to be a smug bastard about his height - he can therefore do all the ceiling cobwebs, lightbulb changing, painting ceilings and tops of walls - just because he doesn't have to faff about getting anything to stand on to reach.

He's forever taking my car and using it for local trips since his is parked at the end of the street so since he uses the petrol in it, he can top the bugger back up.

There's independence and then there's outsourcing the jobs I can never be faffed doing but can do myself if required.

Financially I am 100% fine. Emotionally? Nope

Why shudder at ‘life partner’?
I’m a divorcée remarried to a widower. We know what people mean by life partner. We’re allowed to hope! Don’t shudder on my behalf, thanks!

So, now you can do most things without asking your new boyfriend, who you don’t even live with. So you’re still asking him to do some things, whilst telling us we all need YouTube and a toolbox? OK.

Err... the only things I ask him to help with are two person jobs like building a greenhouse! Just like I helped him carry furniture upstairs when he moved house.

Hmm wonder if this has anything to do with the thread I started. I don't think it's fair if you use last night as evidence that I'm dependent on my dp. I was wanting to be spoilt slightly whilst in agony (btw this is often reciprocated).

We are both high earners but when I manage to get pregnant (which hopefully will be soon) I will take time off from work for a few years. We have saved well to make that a possibility.

I have quite severe mental health issues, so at times very dependent on him, the main thing going to the shops, phone calls and dealing with people.

However, I can do the majority of the DIY in the house, when we had a car, could do a large amount of work on that.

We compliment each other though, stuff that I am not so good/know a lot about he does and vice verse.

Having said all that, over the last few months, we have been through a really stressful time, that I have mainly dealt with and the rest of this year and next year, I am going to be dealing with my mental health issues and hopefully get better enough to at least start volunteering and best case get myself a job again, so as not to be so dependent on him for simple things like buying milk, but it has been a long journey to get this far

I'm dependent on my dh of 24 years.

I have a neurological illness and severe recurring depression and he is a doctor - even as my past profession as a teacher I can only earn or

I rely on him for sharing parenting and housework, for reaching things, anything requiring muscle and for diy. And companionship of course. But if he weren’t here I’d manage , I’d step up in some areas, plan holidays and pack differently so not so much heavy luggage carrying , and book a monthly handyman to whiz around and do things I’m not interested in.

I am pretty dependent in terms of the way you phrased your question the second time, as we live on a smallholding and I need his greater physical strength for things like shifting fallen tress etc. But God almighty, he is useless with the animals! "Do we really need fencing there, can we not just put on earth bank in?" Yes, my darling, it's cheaper, but no deterrent then to seven native ponies who will stroll over it and fuck off across the countryside, whistling "born free" He is bewildered handling them and they know it and tend to gang up on him. Actually, if you asked him, he would probably tell you he is more dependant on me as I do all the DIY, decorating, gardening, cleaning and seem to be the only one who knows where the food is!

I rely on him to arrange the kids, make pack med lunches and keep the house ticking along.

He relies on me to do al finance stuff and keep the money coming in.

If he wasn’t around I could pick up everything he does, I’m lucky I have a job flexible enough where I can do school drop offs if needed.

Oh I do rely on him to change the batteries in the smoke alarms because we have very high ceilings and I can’t reach even with the stepladders

I mean more the little things, like changing a light bulb / putting the bins out / mowing the lawn / fixing the car or even putting petrol in / leaving the house when it's dark

Ooh, I've had an independent day then I reset the fusebox and changed a lightbulb when it blew this morning (in the dark) put the bins out (in the dark), fixed the petrol cap on the car (with wd40), then put petrol in it. And I mowed the lawn at the weekend. Also emptied the rat traps and reset.

I am financially reliant on my DH as i don't work, but i could get a job easily if i needed to.

We are both emotionally reliant on each other.

There are some things we rely on each other for in practical terms but nothing we couldn't learn to do if we needed to.

My DH is away with work a lot so i can crack on with my life no bother without him being around.

When I was with my ex, I dug up and paved the garden, built raised flowerbeds, moved sheds/wardrobes/beds cut and laid Lino, carpet and laminate flooring.

For money and security I am not reliant on DH nor he on me. We would be okay without each other.
Emotionally I rely on him a great deal, he's my closest friend.

I think we're interdependent and I'm completely comfortable with that - what's the point of being together otherwise?

In terms of jobs we play to each other's strengths: I'm a really good cook, he's just OK. I can put a shelf up but it'll take all day, require much swearing and youtubing while he'll do it in .3 seconds and then we can go to the pub. I think in any team you divide the work in a way that makes sense, surely?

I chose ‘life partner’ as not everyone has a husband, some have wives, some have boyfriends, girlfriends, partner etc etc it was intended as a ‘cover-all’ expression.

And it was you who said that you were ‘concerned’ when people were reliant, and that independence was ‘so important’.

Both of us are reliant on each other financially, in that we would struggle to pay the mortgage and bills alone (though we each manage to pay for a smaller house). And both of us are reliant on each other emotionally, in that if one of us died, the other would be devastated. Sometimes I think we're a bit co-dependent.

My mother won't do most of the "little things" on your list, but suspect it is won't not can't. To be fair she can afford to pay someone to mow her lawn. She absolutely adores asking for help and I have accidentally caught her out pretending to be "hopeless" with technology and then managing perfectly well when she thinks nobody's looking! A few years ago after a few glasses of wine she came out with the gem that people like feeling needed so she makes a point of asking for help to give people something to feel goid about - I could cheerfully have thumped her as I'd spent the day juggling 3 preschoolers while trying to sort out her computer problems for her while she pottered about doing not a lot...

I think it'd be relatively rare to find a woman under perhaps 70 who actually couldn't (unless due to disabilities which is totally different obviously) do the little things on your list.

Certainly these days few people go from living with parents to their newly wed home, most women will have lived alone or in a flat share at some point.

We're very independent of each other. Wouldn't have it any other way to be honest.

Emotionally totally dependant. However i suffer from anxiety which also means i depend on him to often do daily things that when im struggling i can't manage. I also can't drive (ive tried) so often need him to chauffeur me.

That said im practically independent and would just about manage financially. Quite happy to roll up my sleaves and follow a google tutorial.

In a crisis its often me that steps up but then some days im so crippled ny anxiety that i can't load the dishwasher!

Sex and companionship. Otherwise completely independent. We would likely meld our finances and responsibilities a bit more if we had kids, but we only have pets, and they chose their allegiances quite early. If we split tomorrow, he would leave with a few suitcases of stuff and a cat, and I would have everything else. If I needed something doing in my house that I couldn't do myself, I'd pay someone, like I did for the ten years I lived on my own before meeting him.

Not at all. We both work but I earn more. Of our savings and assets, I brought 80% in to the relationship. I do all DIY, if it's something I can't do I organise and pay someone to do it. We both sort out our own cars. I deal with bank, real estate agent, tradespeople, etc.

I even move the furniture and lift anything heavy, even though he lifts weights and works out.

I'm glad I'm independent but I sometimes think it would be nice to have something done for me, for once. But I won't hold my breath!